As they turned the corner she gaped at the open room of the lobby. Like the insides of some great Viking hall, the room rose for many stories upward. Hannah started to veer toward the obvious check in counter, seeing a line of exhausted parents and sun burnt children, long past their bedtimes, begging to be held while their mothers and fathers waited to check in.
“We will be going this way Ms. Glen” she turned and saw Doug motion her toward a set of elevators. Hannah and Doug and the silent bellman went inside and rose to the sixth floor. The elevator was as elegant and plush as the downstairs had been. As they exited the elevator, Hannah could see out over the same open hall they had just come from. Doug led her to an oak table with large leather cushioned seats. He pulled the chair out for her and she unceremoniously sank into it. Doug sat across the table in one of his own while the bellman continued down the hallway after referring to a paper that Doug had on a clipboard.
“Did you have a nice flight here?” Doug smiled at Hannah while arranging some papers in a large folder.
Hannah never knew how to respond to small talk. Did she tell him about the rude flight attendant, or the fact that the engine seemed unnaturally loud, or that she practically passed out during landing because she was holding her breath?
“Fine,” was what she finally settled on.
“You will be staying in room 614. It has a wonderful view of the park. I understand that you will be speaking downstairs tomorrow. Here in the folder we have an itinerary of the convention and where you will be located. The room will be set up with microphone and a media center for you to link your laptop to for your power point.”
Hannah’s eyes began to glaze over; she hadn’t prepared a power point.
“If not,” Doug jumped in, reading her discomfort, “do you need anything else in the room?”
“Is there something I can write on?” Hannah decided once again that she really had no idea what she was doing here.
“There will be a document camera of course.”
“Is there perhaps something like a dry erase board?” Hannah’s throat felt like it had shrunk to the diameter of a straw.
“We can arrange for a large writing tablet and easel to be available. I will also make sure there are different color markers and some tape so you can hang pages on the wall if you need. Would this be better?”
“That would be perfect.” Hannah relaxed. He was speaking a language she now understood.
“The concierge lounge opens at 6:30 for breakfast. It is available throughout the day with refreshments, and there is wine and cheese available in the evening. You just need your room key to access it. If you need anything at any time, someone will always be available here at this desk for you. In this packet are the maps of the hotel and parks as well as your park hopper pass.”
“Oh, I won’t need those….” Hannah began, until she saw Doug’s reaction. Apparently people didn’t come to Disneyland and then not go into the amusement parks very often.
“Well, I will keep them in this packet in case you decide you have time. If you would like, we can arrange for you to have a tour of the parks or provide you with a guide.” He then got a genuine smile on his face. “The parks are magical you know. That is why they call it the Magic Kingdom. Pretty amazing things happen to people who go there.”
“Thank you, I will keep that in mind.” Hannah obliged him.
“Well, you must be tired. Unless you have any other questions, I will let you sign the registration card and show you to your room.”
Hannah collected her purse after signing the card, seeing that the expenses were already billed to Sheila’s company. She began to look around for her bags then remembered they had already made it down the hall to her room. She followed Doug’s lead through what seemed like a maze, surprised at the sound of children’s voices coming from open doors. She hadn’t expected to hear such rambunctious noise in a place with this much ambience. But, of course, this was Disneyland, and she didn’t mind it. At the room marked with a 614 on it, Doug opened the door with the keycard and then handed it to her as he held the door open.
“Again, if you need anything, please do not hesitate to pick up the phone and call. I wish you the most magical of times while you are here at the Disneyland Resort.” He paused to make sure she didn’t indicate that she needed anything and then quietly closed the door, leaving her alone in her room.
Hannah turned toward the center of the room, lit dimly for the evening. The curtains to the windows were still open and her first view was of a majestic mountain, lit in blue lights, off over the park. Hannah barely registered the room as she walked over to the window, looking out at the wonder below. The “mountain” she realized was not real, it was a replica of one, in the image of a giant bear. The view was a menagerie of colors, reminding her of the fireworks she had seen on the drive coming in. Hannah could see an enormous Ferris wheel off in the distance, and a huge building that appeared to be a ride of some sort. Looking down, she could see people milling about, doll sized from the perspective of her window. Nothing from this view appeared to be real. As if everything were part of a diorama like she had made when she was a little girl in elementary school. It was beautiful in a way, not unlike the way she thought of her mountains back home, but altogether different as well.
Hannah reluctantly pulled the curtains closed across the sight, feeling her exhaustion building and knowing that she needed her energy for the next day. She then turned to take in the room. It was filled with tasteful furniture of a woodsy theme. The characters she saw were not of the typical Mickey Mouse/Donald Duck variety, but included chipmunks and other woodland creatures. The king sized bed had been turned down; on the pillow was a chocolate and a small card. Hannah crossed the room, and, picking up both, read the card while un-wrapping the chocolate one handed. “A dream is a wish your heart makes” she read out loud, popping the chocolate into her mouth.
Hannah set the alarm on her cell phone, even though she didn’t need to speak until ten o’clock in the morning. She wanted to be sure to have plenty of time to prepare ahead of time. She was too tired to unpack, and rummaged through her bag to find her toothbrush, hating to erase the wonderful flavor she had just experienced. After she was done in the bathroom she stripped off her clothes and donned an old t-shirt, one that had been her father’s that she had kept. She wore it whenever she needed extra comfort and tonight was one of those times. Then she slipped into the bed, the sheets feeling cool and incredibly luxurious beneath her tired body. The bed enveloped her after she reached to turn out the light. She lay there for just a moment, not worried about anything, just wondering about how comfortable she felt. And in an instant, she was sound asleep.
Hannah’s alarm jolted her awake and for more than a moment she had to think about where she was. She had slept the entire night, an unusual event for Hannah, and didn’t even remember having dreamt. The bed was what finally alerted Hannah to her surroundings; the enormous, amazingly comfortable bed. She had not an ounce of stiffness, and felt like she had slept for a week, not just a night. Hannah’s eyes adjusted to the dark room. She had set her alarm for six thirty and knew that the summer morning would be quite light already, but the heavy curtains across the window kept the room plenty dark. Hannah swung her legs over the bedside, scrunching her toes into the plush carpet, reminding her how much she disliked the coldness of the wood floors of her home. She stretched and stood reluctantly, not wanting to leave the comfort of the bed, but very much wanting to look out the window again. Hannah pulled the curtain aside, regretting it immediately as she was blinded by the brightness of the outdoors, able to see nothing but colored dots even when she turned back to the inside. She blinked multiple times trying to clear her vision, squinting until her eyesight returned. Then more slowly, Hannah turned around again, waiting each moment for her eyes to adjust more before continuing her turn. At last she was able to look outside and yes, there it was, the huge mountain shaped like a bear. A small giggle slipped past h
er lips before the requirements of the day interrupted her thoughts.
At that the day seemed less brilliant and Hannah immediately became an efficient machine, busily unpacking and laying out her outfit before heading for the shower. She thought about making her bed, her typical routine in the morning, but allowed that this was probably not necessary, though it bothered her to see it unmade. Her focus lessened slightly as she picked out small details in the bathroom. The wallpaper had figures drawn into it of different characters and the soap was shaped like an acorn. The shower was hot and had plenty of pressure and Hannah allowed herself the luxury of staying under its spray long past the time that she was clean.
As Hannah dried and dressed, she practiced the talk she had prepared. She carefully dried her hair, trying to tame the burgundy frizz that seemed worse than usual. “California humidity!” she thought, though this seemed odd given that she was in a climate controlled environment. Then Hannah carefully applied makeup. Oddly, this was a habit that she had never given up, despite the infrequency that she spent around other human beings. One of Hannah’s favorite memories as a little girl with her mother was practicing putting makeup on while her mother did in the morning. She was never allowed to wear it past the time her mother took to get herself ready, but it always made her feel like they were in a special club together. Then as Hannah got older, her mother had shown her how to apply makeup so it looked natural, not the heavy look that most of the teenage girls resorted to. When Hannah was in college she didn’t like to leave her room without makeup, liking the confidence it gave her. By the time that Hannah was alone in her world she had become so used to what she looked like with makeup on that she couldn’t bring herself to go without it. So each morning this was part of her routine, a little piece of her mother preserved. Hannah finished applying lipstick and then looked once more in the framed mirror. She saw the other Hannah looking back at her. Sometimes she saw a more confident person in the mirror; someone who could go out into the world and overcome it. But this other Hannah also looked down on herself, reminding the one that was on the world side of the mirror that she had no real skills, nothing that was actually of any use. And so she turned away from herself, feeling small and insignificant.
Hannah went to her laptop bag and pulled out the notes she had written for the day. But the words blurred together and she couldn’t bring herself to focus. Instead, she glanced at the brightly covered folder that Doug had provided her with. She opened it up and pulled out the first piece of paper inside, titled “Concierge Lounge”. Hannah remembered that Doug said that breakfast was served at six thirty a.m. She looked at the clock by the bed. It was just past seven fifteen. She had plenty of time to go get something to eat before heading to the key note speaker at eight thirty. The speaker was a well-known author whom Hannah didn’t actually know much about.
Hannah grabbed her room key and notes and headed back down the maze of hallways. Some bleary eyed parents were being dragged by their children toward the elevators and Hannah noted at least one set of bleary eyed children being dragged by their excited parents. They walked by her as she paused at the door to the concierge lounge. She slid her key into the lock and for one stressful moment worried that somehow her key wouldn’t work. But of course it did, and she entered into a room filled with every good smell and sight a person could imagine. It was like a buffet of forbidden foods. And coffee! She looked around to see who to pay and for the prices, but there was no register. She nearly embarrassed herself by asking, when it dawned on her that families were taking what they wanted and heading for the door.
“This must come with the room,” she thought, and Hannah grabbed herself a mug, filled it with steaming black heaven, then placed a muffin on a plate and went to sit for just a moment near a window.
She looked out over the street below, filled not with cars but with shops and people all hurrying in one direction. But they weren’t hurrying like the people in the cities hurried. There wasn’t that feeling of stress and worry and dread on their faces. People skipped and laughed and held hands as they went. It was wonderful to observe. There were families of all kinds; typical families with two parents and any number of children, but also extended families with grandmas or grandpas and numerous other possible combinations. And for a moment, Hannah wished she was one of them, comfortable and happy to be swept along with the crowd.
“May I take your plate?”
The voice startled Hannah out of her reverie.
“Oh, yes,” she responded dimly.
Hannah looked at her watch, it was nearly eight and her heart started to pound. It was almost time to go down to hear the keynote speaker, and then…. Hannah suddenly wished she hadn’t eaten, or had coffee. She wished she were back home, safe within the four walls of her cabin. She wished she could disappear. Hannah concentrated on what one of her few and unproductive therapy sessions had taught her to do, which was to try to breathe. Often this was counterproductive; however, and she felt like the more she tried to breathe the less she was actually able to. Pulling herself together, she stood and walked to the door. It took every ounce of her will power to turn right towards the elevators versus left toward her room.
Hannah passed by the oak desk that she had sat at the night before and was disappointed to see a woman sitting there instead of Doug.
“Oh well,” she thought, “I guess he deserves to go home for the night.” Still, she couldn’t help but feel a little jilted. It was Saturday, and she wondered if he had the weekend off. She had begun to think of him as part of the hotel package – room, concierge lounge, and Doug.
Hannah slowed her speed to allow the group climbing into the elevator to push the down button and have the elevator doors close before approaching them for the next available one. It came in just a moment and she stepped in, immediately pushing the first floor and then the close arrow button so that the door would close right away, limiting the possibility that anyone would get on with her. As the elevator sank to the lobby Hannah found herself beginning to relax. She stared at the intricate wooded patterns in the floor and listened to the piped in new age jazz playing. Hannah smiled briefly, lucky to make no stops along the way. Too soon she heard a ding indicating that she had reached the first floor and she geared up again to make herself actually get off the elevator. So intent was Hannah in getting off the elevator that she nearly walked straight into Doug, who was getting on.
“Good morning Ms. Glen, I hope you had a nice rest.”
“Yes, thank you.” Hannah was relieved, for some odd reason that he was here. She smiled to herself at the absurdity of that. “I have one person I know in California.”
Hannah found her way past the main registration desk and down a new maze of hallways, following, as directed, the signs for the ballrooms (“Well I suppose of course there would be a ballroom.”), convention rooms, and theme parks. Everyone seemed to be following the same path and, sure enough, as she was just about to pass under the sign to Downtown Disney and the theme parks, she saw a sign posted directing participants to the Southern California Authors Convention. Hannah noticed that her presentation room and book signing table were just off the main hallway. Her throat tightened some and she hurried past the room, not yet ready to think about her turn. Hannah signed in at the conference registration desk, receiving her presenter’s packet along with the schedule of events. Holding these tightly to her chest, she entered the main conference room, which was filling rapidly with people. Hannah found herself a seat in the back on the left side aisle, a place where she could make a hasty escape if she needed to. She stared straight ahead, her ears beginning to ring, and the feeling of tunnel vision starting again. It was always like this for her, in crowds. She concentrated harder on trying to breathe and be invisible, avoiding the chit chat of the excited people around her. Now she wished she had brought her coffee down with her for security and comfort and warmth. The room was freezing and the stress had already begun to make her shiver a little. Breathe in, breathe out
. It wasn’t helping. Hannah swallowed a few times and was just about to bolt for the door when the conference president stood up at the podium.
“I would like to welcome you all to the Southern California Authors Convention…”
Hannah’s mind already began to wander. Now that all eyes were focused forward, she allowed herself to look around a little. The room was filled with people of all types, from the fairly young (she saw a girl in the audience who looked like she might only be around nine, though Hannah never had a sense for age), to teens, to some extremely old people. They all seemed perfectly content to be sitting in this room together and applauded as a group for the keynote speaker who had just been introduced.
Hannah paid a little more attention, partly because this was the competition, partly because she wondered what inspiration the competition might impart. But as the keynote enthusiastically launched into her speech, Hannah began to panic. The woman was dynamic, funny, eloquent, and was talking about the very types of things that Hannah had prepared for her own speech.
“Oh my God!” Hannah’s thoughts raced and then clouded and bogged until she could think of nothing at all. “Oh my God!” She forced herself to be calm for a moment; maybe she could get away with it. This was a writer’s convention. All of the speakers were probably talking about the same thing.
The audience burst out laughing at something that was just said. Not only could Hannah not say the same things this woman was saying, she certainly couldn’t say them as well. She got out of her seat and staggered toward the door, trying desperately to keep her meager breakfast inside of her.
“I just will not show up. I will go back to my room and call Sheila and tell her to call the lawyers because this just isn’t going to happen.”
Hannah walked quickly, eyes forward back to the main hallway where she paused to let a family, on their way out toward the parks, pass. In the family’s midst was a beautiful and tiny girl with blonde curls and a determined look on her face. She was dressed complete in a Cinderella outfit. For a brief moment, this girl’s and Hannah’s eyes met and the girl smiled, almost a knowing smile. The family kept walking but Hannah had been struck still by the moment. Then the idea hit her and she turned and raced for the elevators.
On A Run Page 3