“Fuck you. How do you think she’ll feel about that?” Lukas asked, grinning and sounding flippant.
“I suppose I’ll have to ask her tomorrow when I see her.” Zaraki tried to stop his brain from filling his mouth with words, but they just kept coming. “Shall I also ask her how she feels about all the time you spend getting drunk in town?”
Lukas took a swing at him, but Zaraki was sober and far too fast to be caught that way. He ducked out of reach and shot out one hand to restrain the prince. Then his brain caught up and he realized what a terrible mistake it would be. He would pay for touching Lukas.
Pulling his hand back, he saw the prince stumble and fall to the stone floor. He turned and walked the rest of the way to his apartment, angry and wishing he knew where to find some good wine at this time of night. Shame the head cook kept the cellar locked. Davos probably had a decent collection down there.
***
Another month passed and Leisha felt as though she was floundering. Lukas spent more and more time in town and less time in the castle. He always came back in the evening and now he often spent the night in her bed. But during the day, he made himself absent and she missed him. When he did spend time with her, he talked about his day, his trips fishing and hunting, but she felt as though he did not take the same interest in her days.
Relationships seemed so complicated and Leisha knew she was unprepared for this one. Befriending Lukas seemed like a huge step for her, but now she needed another friend to help her understand her first.
She had no idea how to talk to Lukas about what she needed. When she did try, she felt like she must be doing it wrong because he would promise to spend more time with her and then disappear the next day into town. More often than she liked, she felt herself retreating and pulling away, drawing down the mask of indifference she often wore before she met him.
Lukas noticed her withdrawal and redoubled his efforts to please her. He spent more time in the castle and took to bringing her gifts from town when he did go into Lida with his friends.
“I’m sorry, Leisha,” he said one day. “I’ve been neglecting you and I shouldn’t. I’m just so pleased to be in Lida and finally be able to experience it. Your father didn’t let me go into town much the few times I visited. But now I want to make it up to you. Can we spend the day together? Just the two of us?”
Her smile was genuine. “Yes, Lukas. I’d like that very much. What should we do?”
“I know you said you don’t ride, but maybe we could just take some horses around the yard? Or in the garden. You have some excellent horseflesh in there. It’s a shame not to ride them more.”
“Most of the horses in there belong to Zaraki, actually,” she said, pride filling her voice. “He has a horse farm in Ola where he breeds lovely creatures.”
He frowned, not sure he heard her. “Zaraki? Your spy? He owns an entire horse farm?”
“Yes. His horses are sold all over now, even in Embriel.”
Lukas protested maybe riding was too dangerous because now he did not want to be anywhere near those damn horses. But Leisha insisted. She changed into a brown gown, better suited for riding and met him at the entrance to her apartments.
Down at the stables, they found a stable boy and asked him to saddle two horses, a gentle one for the queen. The boy chose a small, pretty chestnut mare and brought her out with a lady’s side saddle on. Suddenly, Leisha’s confidence evaporated. Even after all these years, she could feel the press of the pommels into her stomach as the stallion reared and threatened to bolt. She remembered thinking she would die in the streets. She remembered Zaraki saving her.
Standing behind her, Lukas breathed into one ear, “Surely, you aren’t afraid?”
Leisha jumped and gasped. “No, no. Just a bad experience with a side saddle,” she lied and smiled up at him. After rubbing the mare’s nose in greeting, she climbed the two steps and with the boy’s help, settled herself in the saddle. He handed her the reins and went to retrieve Lukas’s stallion.
When he was mounted as well, he clucked his horse towards hers. “There, now let’s just ride them around the yard. So you can get comfortable. Maybe you’ll want to come hawking with me sometime then.”
Together they moved the horses around the yard. Sitting on one of Zaraki’s calm, gentle horses was a pleasure and not nearly as terrifying as the warhorse and stallion she had last been on the back of. Lukas showed her how to use the reins and encouraged her to stop holding them out in front like a pair of snakes.
***
As he headed across the yard to the stables, Zaraki saw Leisha as she practiced turning a mare with Lukas’s instructions. She caught his eyes and waved to him. He smiled, waved back at her and then saw the prince’s triumphant smirk. Then, Lukas gave him a mocking bow Leisha could not see.
Calling for his own horse, Zaraki rode into Lida, trying to calm his thudding heart. Lukas just could not let him be. He stabled Capar and ran to Aniska’s rooms over her tavern. This early in the day, she should still be at home. He meant to knock on her door, but it sounded more like pounding. And when she answered, she invited him in without asking.
She boiled water in her fireplace and made them both tea. They sat in silence for several long minutes while Zaraki stared down at the table. She could see the tension in his shoulders as he warred with some inner demon. Then the small cup in front of him sailed across the room and shattered, tea running down to the wall to pool on the floor. Aniska had never seen him react in anger like this in all their years growing up together, never seen him lose his poise or his temper.
Without having to ask, she knew. “You have to tell her, Zaraki,” she snapped at him, thinking how ridiculous this had become. Four years of pining and he refused to make a move. Aniska thought she would never understand any of this—love, longing. She enjoyed sex a great deal but felt no desire for any relationship after what her father did to her.
“No,” he roared back at her, pain and anguish plain on his face. “She’s made her choice. She’s made her choice.” He sounded broken now, the anger leaking away to be replaced with resignation.
“Zaraki, you never gave her the choice,” she said, then looked away, exasperated. “You can’t blame her for not knowing if you don’t tell her. You’re not being fair.”
He glared at her and then down at the table again. His head fell into his hands. “I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore, Ani. I love her so much. I hate Lukas. Worse, he knows how I feel and takes every chance to rub my face in it. I’m trying to keep my oaths. I’m trying to do my job.”
Aniska reached out and ran her fingers through his hair, trying to soothe him. It used to work when they lived together in the barracks and he dreamt about his family. Then, she made a face and sighed, coming to a decision. “Look, I’m going to tell you something I shouldn’t. I’m going to tell you and then I’ll never get involved in this again. Do you understand me? Do you? And I’m only doing this because you look like hell and like you might kill someone.” She sighed again.
“Lukas and his friends are in my tavern all the time now. I hear everything. The prince isn’t happy here. He hates it, his men hate it. I don’t think this one is going to be a problem for you for much longer. But you’ll have to learn to deal with the next one if you’re going to stay here.”
She hated the look of hope on his face, hated the light that came back into his eyes. “I can definitely outlast him. I’ve made it this long. Thank you, Ani.”
***
“Thank you for the lovely day, Lukas. I enjoyed it,” Leisha said after they handed their horses back to a stable boy.
“Good, I’m glad. I don’t want you thinking I don’t want to spend time with you.” He offered her his arm and together they went in search of lunch.
That night, she lay awake listening to his snoring and wanting more. She always wanted something more. Not for the first time, she wondered if sex was always the same, always occurred in the same way, same position
s. It seemed like there might be different ways to do it, but she was not as much an expert as Lukas.
In the morning, they ate breakfast and she let Lukas know she needed to work for a while. He tried to amuse himself by reading but ended up lounging in a chair, one leg over an arm watching her go through papers. “This really is dreadfully boring, you know.”
Without looking up, Leisha said, “I’m sorry I have obligations here, Lukas. You can go take horses out or go into town if you like.”
“I don’t understand. Why do you insist on doing all this work yourself?” He motioned at all the piles of papers springing up from her desk.
“Because it’s my kingdom and I want to know how my kingdom is running.”
“But isn’t that the joy of being queen? You get to make other people do the work and tell you about it?” He fell silent and Leisha went back to the proposed distribution of tax revenues from spring fairs. “You don’t have to be queen all the time,” he muttered, sounding sullen and bad tempered.
Leisha sighed and looked up at him. “I fought for and won my crown with a butler and a spy looking for work. I enjoy being queen. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be. Now you make it sound like it’s some sort of personality defect.”
He cut her off. “Yes, I know. You have obligations. You don’t know how to have a relationship. It’s fine.” Lukas jumped up and stormed out of the room, slamming the door. Angry now, he wanted to go into town and find a fight. As he stalked down a corridor heading towards the entrance, he found the first target for his irritation.
“I’ve seen the way you look at her, you know.” Lukas took such pleasure needling the other man about Leisha. He so obviously loved her in his charming, common way.
“Have you now?” Zaraki asked, leaning back against the wall, arms crossing over his chest. Though not really interested in having this conversation with Lukas or engaging with him in any way, after what Aniska told him yesterday he felt cocky again. Leisha was his employer, Lukas just another member of her household, and rank be damned.
“I have, and it’s a shame for you I was faster to bed her, peasant.” Lukas sneered the last word at him. Zaraki clenched one fist, imagining getting sacked for punching the princeling and thinking it would be a glorious way to go out.
From around the corner, Andelko appeared to save him from himself. “For all your professed speed, Sire, which I have heard is great, I find it odd our queen hasn’t made a move to make you king.”
Lukas stepped back, pasting a smile on his face. “We’re busy doing so many other things.” Neither man took the bait. Seeing he would get no satisfaction, he turned to head out of the castle and into the yard.
Andelko clapped Zaraki on the shoulder. “Not worth killing him over, I suppose. Come on, friend. Let’s go get drunk in the barracks like we used to.”
Zaraki started to say he did not remember ever getting drunk with Andelko in the barracks. He started to make an excuse to disappear but decided to go along this time. Being amongst friends might help him forget for a while.
***
Lukas called for his friends and their horses. That night they all got drunk and slept in town at a very expensive whorehouse. The next morning when everyone tried to return to the castle to sleep off the rest of their hangovers, Lukas refused. “No, we’re going to find another tavern to close down tonight, fellows.” He did not care about the blurry eyes and pounding heads. He wanted to drink and forget the words from Andelko, the miserable peasant, that gnawed away at him.
Everyone knew Leisha had made no promises to him about becoming king. It made no sense. They were an ideal match in rank and age. He grew up in Tahaerin. And yet, Leisha never once discussed it with him and he did not understand what made her delay.
After another night of drinking, Lukas took pity on his friends and let everyone go back to Branik. He bathed and changed into clothes that did not reek of alcohol and sweat and sex. When he found Leisha in her garden, he kissed her cheek and told her how much he missed her. They walked together for a while before his irritation got the better of him. “Will you ever make me king?” he blurted out.
This made Leisha look up at him as his question caught her off guard. “King? You don’t seem to be interested in any of the things required of a king here. You don’t involve yourself in any of the duties of a king. You hawk, you ride, you get drunk in town nearly every night.”
“But I’m a prince, royalty. You have no other royal cousins to marry. I make the most sense unless you want to marry a nobleman or a commoner.” He tried to keep the contempt out of his voice and failed as usual.
Staring at him for a moment, Leisha struggled with how much to say. “You’re also a foreigner, an heir, albeit a distant one, to a foreign throne. If you were to become king in Embriel, Tahaerin would be no better than a vassal state. So no, not king. This is my throne and my kingdom. Perhaps consort, if you showed any interest in what it means to rule here—”
“Then what’s been the point of all this?” Lukas cut her off.
At that moment, Leisha finally understood everything the small voice in the back of her mind had shouted at her for weeks. “I thought it was because we enjoyed spending time together. Don’t follow me.” She stalked off.
Wonderful, Lukas thought. Now he had to figure out how to make up for this fight.
***
Leisha needed to be alone, to think through the jumble of emotions rioting in her mind. But where to find solitude in a castle filled with people? She paced through the halls until she stood in front of Velika Hall. Pushing open the doors, she looked around the beautiful chamber, saw its ornately carved vaulted ceiling and strange writing engraved so carefully into the stone. The Hall had not been used since her coronation nearly six years ago. She thought of that day and how terrified she had been. Now here she was, almost as lost.
Just like that day, she wanted to sink to the floor and cry. She wanted someone to come and find her and tell her how to fix everything, how to make Lukas be someone different. She did not want to go back to being all alone. Remembering the day, she wished Zaraki sat here with her again. This time, she would lean her head on his shoulder as she longed to all those years ago.
But when the door creaked open and Symon stuck his head in to see who trespassed in the pretty chamber, she smoothed the pained look from her face. She wanted to beg him to help her, to fix the mess she had made. But fear restrained her. Instead, she choked out, “I’m just looking for some quiet,” thinking it sounded like a plausible explanation. The old man nodded, giving her a sad look before retreating and closing the door behind him.
***
Lukas gave Leisha time to calm down. After dinner, he went in search of her and found her wandering through the library. “I wondered where you were.”
“Just hunting a book,” she lied. In truth, she had been walking in circles around the bookshelves for hours, forcing herself to think about the last few months, to listen to the small voice. She suspected this whole affair had been a mistake. Clues she had refused to see before loomed in front of her. And now Lukas was here.
With her guard up, she knew she had to stop avoiding this, stop ignoring the little voice in her head that kept shouting at her. Leisha opened her mind to his thoughts, waiting to hear the truths his mouth would not speak.
“That’s much less exciting than I was hoping for.”
“Lukas, recently it seems I’m a constant disappointment to you,” she said.
“No, it’s just I was hoping to find you someplace I could take advantage of you.” He reached out and took her hand.
She heard and saw it all in his mind. He knew she wanted more from him than he wanted to give. He wanted to marry her, become king and show his father he was more than just a wastrel third son. But since he kept making her angry all the time, he said, “I think I’m falling in love with you, you know?”
He knew the instant the words left his mouth he had made a horrible mistake. She took a step bac
k from him, pulling her hand away and glaring at him with her dark eyes, hard and cool. Her whole body went still, rigid with anger, and he saw the queen replace his lover. “You forget I can read your mind, Lukas,” she said, her voice brimming with warning and accusations.
Well, fuck yes, he had forgotten that. And now she knew he was lying.
“I’m starting to,” he fumbled. “I mean, it’s not all there yet, but look what a good match we are.” They were a terrible match and shared no interests, his thoughts said. She could not argue with that.
Here, she had the chance to ask the questions that had spun around her all afternoon. “Why’d you pursue me in Otokar? You could have had any woman there. Why me?”
He looked at her, confused. “You’re young, beautiful, a queen, and that night you were a virgin.” What other answer could there be?
“So was I just a conquest to you that night? A notch in your belt?” Even Lukas could not help but hear the threat in her question.
“No, no. Well, yes, I mean of course that night.” His memory showed him proudly telling Tynon about it the next morning. So yes, a conquest. “But I came to care very deeply for you. And I care deeply for you now.” He did care, but not the way his words implied.
Leisha hated liars, especially transparent ones. She hated the smugness in their minds when they thought she believed them, hated their feeling superior, smarter than her. And she never understood why they imagined they would get away with lying to her. “Oh, you care deeply for me? I thought you loved me. Or have your feelings cooled already since I won’t make you king?”
Shrugging, Lukas scrambled to figure out how to get the conversation going in a new direction. He did desperately want to be king. “Perhaps they have. But I’m sure you can think of a way to get them back.” He tried grinning at her, thinking of all the times it had worked before.
“I see,” she said. Without another word, she brushed past him and returned to her rooms. She told her maids she would see no one this night and slammed her door shut.
***
Very early the next morning, Lukas arrived to tell her he and his men were leaving to hunt for a few days. “Perhaps when I return you’ll be friendlier to me.” He waved as he closed the door to her apartments.
A Gift Freely Given (The Tahaerin Chronicles Book 1) Page 27