005 Bathroom area unhygienic.
006 Revlon colour bombs dripping onto Sinex tubes.
007 Cracked bars of Dettol soap on floor of shower. Caked toilet brush. Traces of feline urine on mat. Landing clogged with domestic clutter. Bedrooms packed with books. Spattered bedsheets. Dust and other Dermatophagoides plentiful.
008 Old Woman also a component of living situation related to SUBJECT sits in downstairs living room with traces of Lactobacillus and Streptococcus on dressing gown.
009 Doorbell rings. SUBJECT places hand into underwear, says, ‘Oh, God, itchy cunt,’ continues to door. Fails to use antibacterial wipe on lock.
0010 MAN [previously referred to as ‘HE’] enters. ‘You OK?’ SUBJECT does not answer. ‘I got the cling film. Is it sore?’ SUBJECT shows him wound area on upper left arm. ‘Just remember you wanksack, this is nothing to do with you. It’s not for you.’
0011 MAN informs SUBJECT he ‘already knows that’. He is apologetic about ‘all of this’.
0012 SUBJECT replies: ‘She emailed today by the way, said she’s hated me from afar for so long. Can you imagine reading something as disturbing as that, knowing you’re being stalked by a loon on social media? Apparently she’s surveyed the intricacies of my life for ages. You’d think you’d know how to handle neurotics by now. How to maul dynamite skilfully.’
0013 MAN asks if it’s OK to listen to The Archers alone in kitchen.
0014 SUBJECT says: ‘Do what you like I’m so fucking angry I can’t look at you without fantasising about you riddled with locked-in syndrome.’
0015 Old Woman calls out for biscuit to accompany hot beverage. ‘A bourbon cream would be lovely.’
0016 SUBJECT blood pressure low: 80mmHg over 60mmHg.
Day Two of Implant Activation
001 SUBJECT alone on bed.
002 Vital signs: normal.
003 Increasing serum concentrations of etonogestrel due to SUBJECT’S weight gain.
004 SUBJECT attempts to read but views Netflix documentaries for several hours.
005 SUBJECT cries uncontrollably. Restrains cat on bed.
006 Cat runs away.
Day Three of Implant Activation
001 MAN returns with three bottles of wine.
002 ‘Followerupper,’ Old Woman tells SUBJECT. ‘Every night he’s coming back here with more bottles.’
003 SUBJECT tells Old Woman to mind her snout.
004 SUBJECT and MAN sit down for meal. ‘What is it tonight?’ MAN asks. ‘Leek and black bean chilli from Happy Pear cookbook.’
005 MAN pours wine. ‘Oh that’s one of my favourites,’ he says.
006 SUBJECT runs into toilet and cries loudly. Looks at reflection. ‘You fat bitch!’ she screams. ‘How did you let all this slip so far?’
007 MAN knocks on door. ‘Please, come out, please. I hate that I’ve caused this, I hate what I’ve done. I love you.’
008 SUBJECT storms out, grabs MAN by throat. ‘You absolute thunderous fuck I’d love to squeeze the air right out of you, watch you turn to blue cheese.’
009 MAN pleads with SUBJECT to calm down. ‘I take full responsibility,’ he says.
0010 SUBJECT knocks back wine, laughs hysterically. ‘You want to play hard ball with me?’ SUBJECT asks. ‘I can play hard ball.’
0011 MAN finishes dinner in silence. ‘Do you think we could watch a film tonight?’ he asks.
0012 SUBJECT’s blood pressure rises considerably: 140mmHg over 90mmHg.
0013 ‘Yes, love. Let’s watch a really good flick. You lay your big ugly morose moonhead on my shoulder and I’ll pat it down. It’s the little things, isn’t it?’
0014 SUBJECT consumes all of the wine. ‘I’m so worried about you,’ MAN admits.
0015 ‘I can’t wait till you have a colostomy bag,’ SUBJECT replies.
Day Four of Implant Activation
001 ‘What’s that shit you’re playing on YouTube?’ MAN asks SUBJECT.
002 ‘Cigarettes After Sex SUBJECT replies, “Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby”. I like the lyrics. Makes me horny.’
003 ‘Never heard of them, sound truly awful,’ MAN tells her.
004 ‘Isn’t it great how suffocating you are while always managing to be utterly neglectful,’ SUBJECT remarks.
005 ‘I’m thinking about that initial buzz when you kiss someone new. How petrifying it is. How beautifully nerve-wrecking. Do we ever get used to it? Is that how you felt with her?’ SUBJECT says.
006 MAN paces bedroom. ‘Can I be really honest without you kicking off?’ he asks SUBJECT.
007 Notable increase in side effects of implant: nausea, stomach cramping/bloating, dizziness, headache and breast tenderness. SUBJECT does not acknowledge or note changes to the body at this time.
008 ‘Try me,’ SUBJECT says.
009 MAN says, ‘I know you’re going your own way, but … how do I say this without you totally going into one … I’ve been thinking a lot about this, about you with other men. Frankly, it’s a big turn on for me.’
0010 SUBJECT jumps up off bed. ‘Oh for fuck’s sake, you’re such a mentally ill perv it’s a total no win!’
0011 MAN and SUBJECT laugh.
0012 MAN says, ‘Is there any chance? I’ve had a hard-on in work all morning thinking about it.’
0013 SUBJECT and MAN fall onto bed. Copulation takes place.
0014 SUBJECT roars, ‘You bastard, hard! Fuck me like a maniac.’
0015 MAN hollers when SUBJECT digs her nails deep into his backside. ‘Flip me over, fuck me like Frankenstein tearing across the ice.’
0016 Old Woman in downstairs living room shouts: ‘Is everything OK up there?’
Day Five of Implant Activation
001 SUBJECT smashes up bedroom.
002 MAN stays out of way.
003 Side effects decreased since copulation though back pain and nervousness are noted.
Day Six of Implant Activation
001 ‘I’ve been thinking a lot about The Wet Witch and how awful I was to her,’ SUBJECT says.
002 SUBJECT shows signs of melancholy.
003 ‘I’d like to see her again so I could properly apologise.’
004 MAN laughs.
005 ‘Are you insane? I remember her jumping on your back, knocking you to the ground after you had surgery. She was proper nuts. Drove you mental.’
006 SUBJECT starts to cry.
007 ‘Jesus Christ what is it now?’ MAN asks.
008 ‘The way we keep going through people, losing people, it’s just so futile.’
009 MAN hugs SUBJECT while SUBJECT continues to sob.
0010 ‘I’m sick of feeding the cats,’ SUBJECT tells him. ‘Sick of looking after her downstairs. Sick of the burden of you. I’m just so tired all the time.’
0011 MAN says it could be the new nanotech hormones taking effect. MAN is incorrect in these assumptions. Bone density and bacterial flora: normal. SUBJECT’s body metabolising carbohydrates and fats as normal.
0012 ‘It’s not that, it’s life,’ SUBJECT says, snivelling. Marked increase in phlegm and thickened mucus yellow and green in colour.
0013 ‘It’s chaotic and fucked. I don’t want to feel like a bag of maggots,’ SUBJECT says.
0014 MAN tells her things will get better.
0015 ‘Do you remember the time I bought you the prostitute in Amsterdam?’ SUBJECT asks. ‘It was to teach you about deceit. To show you that I have hard limits that can’t ever be crossed. I wandered off to the pub, totally shaking, and left you to it. I made you stroll straight in there. I wanted you to face up to doing it honestly. Hardest thing I’ve ever done.’
0016 MAN puts his face in hands.
0017 ‘And what happen
ed, do you remember what fucking happened?’ MAN roars at SUBJECT.
0018 ‘You couldn’t do it,’ SUBJECT recalls. ‘I bought you a hooker and you couldn’t fuck her! In all her years as a shopfront prostitute she’d never known a woman to buy a bloke sex. She insisted I come back around. You asked if I could join in. You stupid brainless bastard, as if I’d be into it.’
0019 MAN stands up and starts shouting, ‘I can’t take much more of this! How do I show you I’m truly sorry? What can I do? We can’t go on like this.’
0020 SUBJECT pulls him towards her. ‘You can’t do a single thing,’ she tells him. ‘You don’t fuck someone over who’s open, who loves you completely. You don’t destroy what you spent twelve years building. Unless you mean to destroy it. I can’t wait to slide you into the crematorium.’
Day Seven of Implant Activation
001 SUBJECT’s bleeding pattern modified. Bleeding pattern now unpredictable due to unforeseen clash with perimenopausal hormones.
002 FSH and LH no longer functioning at optimal levels to regulate SUBJECT’s oestrogen.
003 Blood loss now set for between 16 and 21 days. Thickened mucus is successfully preventing sperm and egg from joining and fertilising in case the egg is released.
004 Absence of sperm. Absence of eggs. Absence of sex.
005 SUBJECT spends evenings in back garden staring at planes. ‘I like the way they braid the grey skies over Dublin Airport,’ she says, unaccompanied.
006 SUBJECT chases cats forcing small hats on their heads.
007 SUBJECT omits to make Old Woman’s dinner. MAN watches SUBJECT from the dining room window.
008 MAN consumes expensive wines from O’Briens off licence.
One Month After Implant Activation
001 MAN says to SUBJECT on waking at 7 a.m.: ‘With all that’s going on with your fanny I keep dreaming of squirting blood and vampiric chilling screams but last night was different. It was an episode of It Aint Half Hot Mum centred on the old Sergeant Major “Shut Up” Windsor Davies having his ham sandwich stolen by one of his men.’
002 SUBJECT replies. ‘Can you just fuck off and let me get some sleep. Please. I’m feeling really lousy. Starting to feel properly ill.’
003 MAN walks downstairs to boil an egg for Old Woman.
004 One hour after MAN walks downstairs SUBJECT throws him down a variety of thickly stained underwear. ‘They fucking covered in maroon world maps and ruby swirls of Edvard Munch’s Scream,’ SUBJECT replies.
005 ‘Please, Holy God, I’m going to chunder if I see any more of this revolting goo,’ MAN informs her.
006 ‘It’s so chemical-coloured, total road traffic accident, look at it, and the smell,’ SUBJECT says. MAN tells her he wishes it’d settle. Then they could have serious fun.
007 ‘I’m bleeding onto your Marvel boxers now,’ SUBJECT says. ‘You have to hold the albatross and eat some of the fresh shit you caused.’
008 SUBJECT is experiencing prolonged bleeding due to clashing hormones. Estrodiol now at 400. SUBJECT referral sent to implant provider with further communication pending.
009 Detection of third-party sperm in addition to blood. Information to be included in clinic reply to SUBJECT should include the following: Implant will not protect you against sexually transmissible infections (STIs). Please continue to use barrier method contraception such as condoms. It is also not advisable to copulate while bleeding heavily.
Two Months After Implant Activation
001 MAN finds SUBJECT collapsed on bathroom floor.
002 Wedges of crimson clots strewn over the toilet pot, walls, shower cubicle, sink, grouting, towels, door.
003 ‘Fucking Jesus, we need to ring someone here,’ he roars. ‘It’s like a scene from The Wizard of Gore.’
004 SUBJECT is experiencing extreme prolonged bleeding at abnormal levels. Contraceptive effect continues to be valid via inhibition of ovulation, supplemented by effects on mucus and endometrium. Recommend that SUBJECT is treated with combined oral contraceptives, progesterone alone, oestrogen alone, or tranexamic acid, depending on personal preference.
005 SUBJECT on knees picking up blood clots, but is displaying signs of physical weakness.
006 ‘Fuck! There’s trayloads of lumpage sliding through my grasp here!
007 Cat enters bathroom, taks a large piece of one clot into mouth, exits.
008 ‘That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!’ SUBJECT shouts.
009 SUBJECT is unable to lift herself into upright position.
0010 ‘I think I’m going fucking mad!’ MAN screams. ‘In all my years. I even helped deliver one of my kids at home, it wasn’t anything like this. We need to ring some medics. We need to get onto those bitches at the Wanton Woman Clinic and ask what the fuck is going on. This is unacceptable!’
0011 SUBJECT rolls onto flat of back. Smiles at MAN. ‘I must’ve been Goebbel’s whore in a previous life, the karma is so bad. Only happens 5 per cent of women, the doctor warned me. If I have a stroke, a heart attack, if I snuff it, I want you to see my face in every woman you ever try to fuck. I want you to suffer a gaggle of Dante Infernos, the singeing smell of your nuts roasting on into perpetuity,’ she says.
0012 MAN runs down stairs towards phone.
0013 SUBJECT calls out: ‘Lover, hold up, wait!’
0014 MAN gazes up from bottom step and receives hurled blood into the nape of his neck.
Three Months After Implant Activation
001 SUBJECT and MAN order Hailo taxi to South Great George’s.
002 Old Woman enquires if they can return with ‘a white Magnum ice cream’.
003 SUBJECT says: ‘Let’s toss about in the breeze outside.’
004 MAN looks at shopfront of BurritoVille when taxi halts.
005 ‘I’ll take you for a nice bite to eat afterwards,’ he tells SUBJECT.
006 SUBJECT sighs. ‘Are you thinking of your stomach already?’
007 MAN acknowledges he has been ‘drooling about black bean burritos’ since SUBJECT informed him yesterday he had to accompany her to witness ‘the excruciating pain of removal’.
008 ‘Christ, look, that bloody hipster with the firefly beard is still here sipping an Iced Chai Almond Milk Latte,’ SUBJECT tells Man.
009 ‘Who?’ MAN asks.
0010 ‘I told you about him, oh fuck it, never mind,’ SUBJECT says. ‘Point is he’s looking at us like he knows we’ve been through the wars.’
0011 ‘By the looks of him I doubt he gives a fuck about anything,’ MAN says.
0012 ‘Rock on,’ third party says to MAN and SUBJECT prior to entering clinic.
0013 MAN smacks SUBJECT on bum going up stairs.
0014 ‘Stop it you bollix, I’m nervous,’ SUBJECT explains.
0015 Receptionist charges MAN €150 on debit card.
0016 ‘He wants to know why you rip people off charging the same price as the original implant to remove this chemico piece of crap,’ SUBJECT says.
0017 MAN responds: ‘I never said that, I didn’t say that.’
0018 ‘Look at him throwing a scalded look at me!’ SUBJECT says, amused.
0019 ‘Now’s your chance to ask them whatever happened the male pill?’ SUBJECT says. ‘This poor man hasn’t had his end away in months, you’d feel for him, wouldn’t you?’
0020 MAN walks off towards row of hard plastic chairs.
0021 Doctor exits from cubicle and says, ‘No, not the man, he can’t come in here, just you.’
0022: MAN showing visible signs of relief and takes out a copy of Viz comic.
0023 MAN assures SUBJECT he’ll be ‘right here’ when she ‘stumbles out’.
0024: MAN advises SUBJECT that ‘he’s going nowhere’.
0025 ‘Yes, I’ve
always known that,’ SUBJECT says.
0026 ‘This is going to hurt,’ doctor informs SUBJECT.
0027 ‘Why did you do it?’ SUBJECT asks MAN.
Room Little Darker Page 14