by Holly Jacobs
He heard her long sigh over the phone. “Sure. I guess.”
“Is something wrong?”
She hesitated. “No. No. I’m just tired.”
“Well, get some sleep. Have the kids ready around eleven.”
“I will.”
Before he hung up, he said, “No matter what you say, I know something’s wrong. I’m here if you want to talk.”
Maybe Dean was giving her more grief. Maybe…
He wasn’t sure of the cause, but he hated knowing that Carly was upset about something. And that she wouldn’t confide in him.
“Like I said, just tired. I’ll see you around eleven tomorrow.”
Chuck heard the dial tone before he could tell her good-night.
SATURDAY, WHILE CHUCK had the kids, Carly tried to study.
Tried was the operative word because concentrating on her notes and textbooks was hard when her mind kept circling back to what Samantha, Michelle, Mrs. Jefferson and even Bob, the fireman, had said.
All of them thought there was something more between her and Chuck than a temporary relationship. Something more than a fling.
And that’s the last thing she wanted.
Carly had gone into her relationship with Chuck insisting it would be casual. Easy. No messy feelings or relationship stuff.
The idea that it was anything more frightened her.
So, when Chuck brought the kids home and asked about dinner, she made study excuses.
She waited for him to push.
To insist.
Instead he kissed her cheek and said, “Cram away. Call if you need me.”
She didn’t call.
He did on Sunday to see if they wanted to do anything, but she sent him to his mother’s on his own.
By Thursday, he hadn’t even called. Which should have made Carly feel better, but it didn’t—she felt worse.
She took Friday off from the hospital and spent the day before her boards cramming, trying to be sure she had an answer to every possible question.
Her mind was filled with emergency triage policies, cardiac procedures and rapid sequence intubation. Potential questions circled round and round.
And yet one question kept coming back to the forefront of her mind, no matter how she tried to block it—what about Chuck?
“SHE PRACTICALLY DUMPED ME,” Chuck told Anderson on the Saturday of Carly’s boards. He’d called to wish her luck, but Rhiana’d said she’d already left. He had a sneaky suspicion she’d been there, waving her hands, indicating that Rhiana should fib. “There’s no subtlety to it, either.”
He and Anderson were at George’s again for breakfast.
Anderson took a sip of his coffee. “When I think Carly Lewis, subtle isn’t the word that comes to my mind. She’s about as subtle as a brick through a window.” He paused, then added, “Match to a couch better yet.”
“Okay, so why doesn’t she just tell me? Talk to me?” Chuck stabbed at his plate with far more force than separating a bite of scrambled eggs required.
“I think the better question, to my way of thinking is, why do you care?”
Anderson’s question caught him by surprise. “Huh?”
Anderson leaned back in the booth and took another sip of coffee. “You’ve dated a lot of women since I met you, Chuck, and although you’re generally the one to break things off, I know various women have dumped you first, so why do you care if Carly does the dumping? If it wasn’t her, it would be you eventually. Given her recent past, it seems kinder to let her be the one to end things.”
“But I’m not ready for things to end.”
“Again, why?”
“I like her. I have fun with her.”
Anderson raised an eyebrow and Chuck easily interpreted the look. “No. I mean, yes, sex was fun, but it was more than that. I genuinely enjoyed being with her no matter what we were doing. Hell, I even liked her kids, and I never imagined I’d be the kind of guy who would find hanging out with two seventh-graders a good time.”
“You haven’t really answered my question. You’ve skirted around the answer, but haven’t quite hit it. Let’s come at it from a different point of view. Remember Patty?”
“Yes.”
“You liked her. The two of you had tons in common. But when she broke things off, you didn’t flinch. When she started dating that other cop, it didn’t bother you in the least. What if I were to say I was thinking about asking Carly out?”
Chuck didn’t say a word; he obviously didn’t have to because Anderson set down his coffee mug with a clunk and started laughing. “Chuck, answer the question. You’ve liked other women, had fun with them, and been totally okay with it when they ended it. So, why is Carly Lewis different?”
Chuck didn’t spit out an answer this time. He pushed his eggs around on his plate, and thought about it. Why was Carly different? She made him laugh. She frustrated him.
In Carly he’d found someone he didn’t have any urge to break up with—someone he didn’t want to break up with him.
In Carly Lewis he’d found someone he could love.
Maybe he already did.
He wasn’t sure when it had happened.
But the thought of losing her, of not seeing her, left him feeling more frozen than Erie in February.
“Other women have all become too possessive, too needy.”
“That’s not a problem with Carly,” Anderson pointed out.
“And she didn’t berate me when I had to work.”
“A nice trait, too.”
“I’m not sure where this is going with Carly. Though I think I know where it could lead. I’m not sure yet.”
“It’s awfully soon to be sure about anything other than you’re not ready to lose her.”
Chuck pushed his plate back. “I should probably go talk to her.”
“Probably.”
“I’ll go now.” He patted at his jeans pockets for his keys.
Anderson set down his coffee cup and stood, then dangled his keys in front of Chuck. “I drove, remember? I can take you home.”
“No, just take me there.”
For once Anderson didn’t needle Chuck. Chuck was silent, too, as they drove the short distance to Carly’s, other than giving the address. Anderson pulled up in front of her house. Chuck looked at his brother-in-law. “Thanks.”
“Do you think she’s done with her test?”
“It’s ten now, and the test was at eight, so if she’s not, she will be soon. The kids will let me wait inside.”
“Okay. I’ll hold on to see that someone lets you in, then go.”
Chuck nodded as he got out and made his way to the front porch. He hadn’t thought this through. Hadn’t weighed what something as monumental as maybe falling in love meant to him.
Because what came next, what mattered was that he tell Carly that he wanted more time.
And what really mattered was that she was willing to give it to him.
He knocked and tried to feel confident about Carly’s reaction to his revelation. Sean opened the door. “Is your mom home yet?”
“Mom,” Sean bellowed and turned around, leaving the door open as if he expected Chuck to come in and shut it.
But Chuck didn’t go in. He stood, waiting for Carly.
Carly must have been home for a while because she’d changed into sweats. “Chuck, what’s up?”
What he meant to say was, I don’t want to break up yet. I think maybe what we have could be something lasting.
Instead he blurted out, “I love you,” without preamble or explanation. “I don’t want this to be a fling.”
She stood inside the house.
He stood outside.
Her expression didn’t soften and get that warm, mushy look he’d seen her give the kids. Instead, she looked mad. No, not just mad. Pissed.
And he knew—knew what her response was going to be.
“No. That was not our deal. You’re the one who told me that you don’t do this kind of th
ing. You quit women who want—” she hesitated and then said “—that.”
“Love, Carly. You can say it.”
She shook her head. “I can’t do this. I can’t give you what you want.”
“What have I ever asked you to give but yourself?”
“That’s the problem. If you insisted, if you wheedled. If you put your needs first, I’d know how to deal. But you don’t. You didn’t. You ask. If I say no, you let it be. You brought me dinners because I was studying. You drove my kids to games so I could study. You folded a load of towels last week. You…you bought me highlighters.”
“They were different neon colors…I thought with all the studying, you’d like them.”
“I did,” she said, though her expression didn’t show anything remotely pleased. “It was thoughtful. Considerate.” She looked angry all over again. “Damn you, Chuck. This was supposed to be a fling. You’ve gone and turned it into…”
“And that’s bad?”
She grabbed the door and held it, leaving just a crack, as if he might try to break in.
“It’s worse than bad,” she told him sadly. “I need to concentrate on me. On figuring out who I am. I knew who I was when I was a girl. In college. Before Dean. Then my parents died and I got married. And it was so easy to be the woman Dean wanted. The woman who would raise his kids, decorate his house and office. The woman who would help with his career.”
“I don’t want anything like that from you.”
“But don’t you see? I want to know who I am now. I want to do what I need. What I want. What color I am on my own before I can ever think about anything more than a fling.”
“And I’m not a fling?”
“Not if you say you love me.” She shook her head. “Not by a longshot.”
“I said I loved you. I didn’t ask that you love me. I only wanted you to know.” That was a lie. He’d wanted her to say she loved him, too. Wanted it more than anything he’d ever wanted.
With Carly there were no worries that the job might rattle the relationship, that what they had might fade. He knew in his gut what they had could last…if only she’d trust in him.
“You swore six weeks with any woman was enough.”
“Carly, a lifetime with you wouldn’t be enough.”
“And that’s why we need to say goodbye now.” She leaned forward, without letting go of the door, and stood on tiptoe. Softly, so gently it almost broke his heart, she kissed his cheek. “Goodbye, Chuck.”
She withdrew and shut the door behind her.
Chuck stood there stunned. What the hell had happened?
He turned and remembered Anderson’s car was still sitting there.
He walked back to it. “Did you tell her you don’t want to break things off?” Anderson asked.
“That and more. I blurted out I love you.” He paused and let the words roll out again. “I love you.”
“So why are you back in the car with me?”
“Because falling in love is the last thing she wants to do. She fell in love and lost herself. Something about losing her color. Anyway, it’s over.” He sank back in the seat.
“Chuck.” There was sympathy in Anderson’s voice.
Chuck shook his head. He didn’t want Anderson saying anything. “Just take me home.”
Chapter Eleven
One week after taking her boards and breaking up with Chuck, Carly got to Erie Elementary early and started taping the stupid paper hearts to the fabric-draped, folded-in bleachers around the gym.
She yelled at the kids for using the word, and she’d really wanted to use something stronger, but settled for it. “Stupid paper hearts,” she muttered. “Stupid Valentine’s Day.”
She hated the holiday.
Hated all thoughts of warm fuzzy love and happily-ever-afters.
She knew where ever-afters ended, with a blazing couch catching the neighborhood on fire.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid.” That’s what she’d been when she’d agreed to that first dinner at Chuck’s house.
She went to the decoration box for more hearts—and kicked it. Kicked it hard.
“Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.”
“Hey, hey, hey,” Samantha hollered, as she arrived, Michelle right behind her. “We’re here to help. Don’t get violent with the decorations.”
“We didn’t forget. We’re on time,” Michelle added.
“I didn’t think you forgot.” Carly plopped on the floor by the now slightly worse-for-wear box. “I knew you’d both come.”
“Then what is it?” Michelle asked, sitting next to Carly.
Samantha joined them both. “Did you get your results? If you didn’t pass, it’s not that bad. You can retake them in a month, I think. Hey, it happens. You’ve certainly had enough on your plate. No one would blame you—”
“No,” Carly interrupted. “I mean, yes, I got the results, and I passed.” She tried to muster some sort of enthusiasm. Had been trying to since she saw her score online on Thursday. “My first instinct, the first thing I thought when I saw I passed, was I can’t wait to tell Chuck. Of course, I didn’t.”
“Why not?” Michelle asked.
She had thought about calling Michelle and Samantha all week and telling them about Chuck’s declaration. But she hadn’t. She’d simply…wallowed. That was the kindest definition what she’d done this week.
“I didn’t call him because…”
Why hadn’t she called? Many reasons. She hadn’t told him because he’d said he loved her. Because he was no longer just a boy-toy. “I’ve barely started to rediscover me. I needed to end things before they became too serious.”
She still didn’t mention Chuck telling her that he loved her.
“Carly, maybe you should—”
“Don’t. Please. I know you both want to help. That you want to comfort me. That secretly you’re hoping I’ll fall for Chuck and be as happy as you are. But that’s not going to happen. So, let’s not talk about this anymore.”
She stood, reached in the stupid box and grabbed another handful of stupid hearts.
“Is he still doing security tonight?” Samantha asked.
“I called the station and spoke to some cop named Kirk who said he’d come instead.”
“Well, then, that’s that.” Michelle got up and held a hand out to help Samantha up. “Let’s decorate this gym.”
Carly ignored the look the two of them shared. It was full of sympathy and concern. She asked, with as much teasing as she could muster, “So, who was it that thought assigning me Valentine’s Day would be a good idea?”
She knew her laughter sounded forced, just as Samantha’s and Michelle’s did. There was no mirth in any of them.
But they played along.
“Let’s blame Heidi,” Samantha said. “She’s the one who roped us into this committee, after all.”
“She’s also the reason I have you two in my life. I’m not blaming Heidi. I’m blaming myself. I knew better than to date Chuck. If it hadn’t been for—” she paused “—Anderson. Judge Anderson Bradley. That’s who I’m going to blame.”
She kicked the box again. “Stupid Andy and his stupid community service.”
Samantha kicked the box. “Stupid Andy.”
Michelle kicked the box so lightly it could hardly be called a tap. “Stupid Andy.” She knelt down and straightened it. “Okay, no more kicking the poor decorations.”
“Can I kick Andy next time I see him?”
Michelle looked up and had a genuine smile on her face. “Sure.”
“Great.” If it wasn’t for Judge Anderson Bradley, Carly would never have had to deal with Chuck falling in love with her.
And maybe, just maybe, a little voice whispered—as it had all week—falling a little in love with him in return.
So, what was she going to do about it?
AT SIX O’CLOCK THAT NIGHT, with the lights turned down and the decorations in place, it was hard to remember they were in a gym.
&n
bsp; Carly ran around taking care of last-minute arrangements.
She glanced at the clock and smoothed imaginary wrinkles from her simple black slacks. She’d thrown on a red sweater, not because of any need to dress for the holiday, but because she knew reds and pinks were going to abound tonight, and by fitting in she’d blend in. And maybe if she blended enough, Michelle and Samantha wouldn’t notice how utterly miserable she was.
The band and security would be here soon. The dance would start and a few hours later, they’d clean up and it would be done.
She’d be done with the Valentine’s Dance.
The Social Planning Committee would be finished.
Carly’s life was about to find a new sense of order. She was an RN. She was still working at the hospital, but had put in applications for a few other jobs.
The one she was most hopeful for was with the school district. Because of the Safety Awareness Program she’d discovered she liked working with the kids. And being a school nurse would put her on the same schedule as Sean and Rhiana.
She was sure she’d find something, but getting that job was what she was hoping for.
Her kids were her priority.
She’d proven so much to herself, and was rediscovering her own individual color.
So why wasn’t she happier about it?
“Carly?”
She turned and there was Chuck, dressed in his dark-navy police uniform with all its brass and bars in place. He looked…good.
So very good.
She knew she’d missed him, but she didn’t know how much until she saw him. And that annoyed her. “What are you doing here? I thought Kirk was going to take over for you?”
“I said I’d be here. I said I’d do it. I try to keep my word, Carly.” He paused. “Is that a problem for you?”
“No, of course not.”
He looked around the gym. “Everything looks great. It seems you and I are destined to spend a lot of time in school gyms.”
“Yes, I guess we were.” She almost smiled, but didn’t allow herself to. “It seems appropriate that we end it here.”
She could see her response bothered him, but he was quick to try and cover it up. He simply said, “Mom and Dad are coming. They’re dragging Anderson along, much to his disgust.”