by C. A. Harms
"Those shoulders are amazing," placing her hands on her thighs; she begins running her palms over them, moving upward in the process. "Perfect to hook my legs over when—"
"I need to get up and move," before I punch one of my best friends. "If I don't, I'm gonna pass out."
Addison and Tony share a knowing look I choose to ignore.
I walk in the opposite direction of the pool, circling out onto the grass. The farther I walk, the more hidden I become, which I need. For a few minutes, I need to disappear.
I stand with my back toward the party. Closing my eyes, I tilt my head back, looking up at the night sky. One deep breath after another, hoping a few silent moments away from my sex-crazed friends and big boob exes, will calm me.
"I've been waiting all night to get you by yourself."
Spinning around, I see Jonah, who is only a few feet away. His face is dark by the lack of light, but the glow behind him reminds me we are not alone.
"I'm not by myself," I remind him, "there's a whole party going on behind you." He steps closer, and I step back. "And let's not forget, what's her name," I hold my finger up to my mouth like I'm trying to think, "Reece, is it?"
I regret it the very second the words leave my lips. I blame it on the alcohol.
"If I didn't know better, I'd say maybe you are a little jealous." He seems pleased with his discovery, but I refuse to admit anything.
"I have nothing to be jealous of," he takes another step in my direction, and I take another one back. "You can do whatever you want, but there will be no more condomless hookups for me and you. Reece looks like the kind of girl who’s had a few wild nights, and forgive me, but I don't want anything she may be passing around."
I half expect him to bite back, only he continues to move toward me, and I back away. It's a bit of a game we are playing. He takes one step, then I take two and so on. Allowing him to reach me will be a mistake. I know with the way I feel, I won't be able to resist him.
I've spent the entire night watching his ex drool over him, pressing her balloon boobs to his arm and her ass brushing his crotch every chance she got.
"Dani, Dani, Dani," he tsks as he says my name, shaking his head as if he's somehow disappointed. "Baby," the way he says that one single word makes my knees weak.
Before I have time to prepare, he moves toward me quickly. Tossing me over his shoulder, he walks forward until we're hidden in the darkness of the yard. I don't even attempt to fight him. There's no point.
When he has me where he wants me, he lowers me to my feet, and I feel the concrete beneath me. Looking around, I realize we are on the far side of the house.
"Jealousy looks hot on you, Dani girl," the way he skims his lips over my jaw sends chills throughout my entire body. He’s sliding his palm over my side before moving around to cup my ass. It's hard to focus on anything when he's touching me.
He's so good at it. The man plays me like a fiddle.
"Admit you're jealous," he urges while dipping his fingertip just beyond the barrier of my bikini bottoms at the crease of my leg.
"I'm not jealous." The breathy tone of my voice doesn't exactly help my argument.
"You're a shit liar, baby," Jonah has never been this forward with the endearments, and I know it's partly due to him drinking all afternoon. I don't think he's ever called me, baby.
"Jonah," we are teetering on the line between casual and intense, and I know once we cross that line, there will be no going back. That alone terrifies me. I may not be willing to give him anything more, but I'm not ready to let him go either.
"Tell me you don't feel something," he demands.
"Jonah, I said—" he doesn't let me finish my words. He grips the back of my neck with his free hand. He is pressing his lips to mine in a searing kiss. His tongue is invading my mouth, sucking and exploring, tugging on my lips with a gentle nip of his teeth.
The kiss is real, it's consuming and conquering, and so unlike any other kiss we've shared. My body sags back against the side of the house, with only him holding me upright.
"I'm jealous," he growls out the words with his lips still partially pressed to mine. "I've spent hours watching men look at you, guys I know staring at your body in this little suit, and I can't do a damn thing about it." He thrusts his lower body against mine, releasing his hold on my ass, and slipping his thigh between my legs. "I can't tell them to look the fuck away. I can't tell them you're mine because—" he doesn't finish, and honestly, I'm not exactly sure I want him to.
We stare at one another, his chest heaving while my heart races with something I can't quite explain, even if I try.
He looks away but only for a few seconds before he shifts his eyes back to mine.
"So if I can't show them, if I can't ensure every person here knows you're mine, then I need to remind you how it feels to be consumed by me." His? "I need to remind you what it feels like to have me inside you." As if I can ever forget.
Turning my body away from his, he moves my hands above my head, and with one of his hands, he holds them firmly in place. I know what he's about to do, and I have no desire to stop it. I need it more than him.
When he moves in closer behind me, I arch my back, and he growls as he pushes my bikini bottoms aside. Without another second wasted, he shifts forward and enters me in one quick thrust.
The hiss he releases echoes over the yard, and at that point, I don't care who may have heard it. It feels too good to stop.
"Mine," he whispers, and my chest grows tight. "All I want." His words are clear, and I know we are venturing into dangerous territory. "I can't help the way I feel, Dani," the line that separates what we are and what we were shatters. "I want more, baby. I want so much more."
Chapter Twenty-Three
Jonah
I've been lying on the couch in Tony's living room for hours. I tossed and turned, unable to control the replay of what took place. The words I spoke, the things I confessed, it's all the things I've wanted to say for weeks but have been too afraid of the consequences.
But now it's too late. I know the second I pulled out of Dani, and she turned around to kiss me that I'd severed our agreement. It felt like a goodbye, and had I not known better, I could have sworn my heart cracked.
When the sun peeks through the windows of the living room and lights the entire space, I get off the couch and walk down the hall. Standing outside the room where Dani and her friends sleep, I lean in to listen for any movements. I swear she agreed to share a room with her friends to ensure I would have to keep my distance.
The room is silent, and I fight the urge to go inside and kneel beside her while she sleeps. I've never in my life wanted something the way that I want Danielle.
I walk away reluctantly, feeling like last night will be the last time I'll ever get to touch Dani. The last time I'll ever get to see her lips part as she reaches her peak, and her body reacts to my touch.
I left Tony's house feeling like I've lost, feeling like the best part of me is gone, and my chest grows tight with the thought that everything from here on will be different.
The sound of my doorbell filters out through my open back doors. I sit on my patio, staring off at nothing while trying to determine when the right time will be to reach out to Dani.
It has been hours since I left Tony's house, and from what he already told me, she left before noon. She was quiet and snuck out after a quick goodbye leaving all her friends to wonder what she was thinking.
I stand when the doorbell rings once again and walk in that direction. As soon as I step through the kitchen and into the foyer, I can see Dani standing just outside my front door. She is twisting her hands nervously before her, and she's looking down at the ground. Nothing about her posture screams I'm here for a roll in the sheets. It floors me, knocks the wind from my lungs as I consider what this likely is.
Opening the door, she looks up, and I see her throat bob as she swallows hard. "Can I come in?"
"Yeah," I attempt to pla
y it cool. Maybe Dani will see I can still be the same guy I've always been. But on the inside, I'm dying.
"Um," she pauses in the center of the foyer, looking at her feet and then back up before averting her gaze once more. "We need to talk."
"Okay," crossing my arms over my chest, I take on a defensive stance while trying to remain casual and brace myself. I have a choice here, I can hide and pretend the alcohol made me say a lot of shit I don't mean, or I can finally stop living a lie and own up to falling in love with Danielle Abbott.
"The lines are being blurred." She worries her lip, still refusing to look directly at me.
"What are you talking about?" If she wants to do this, we are going to do it. We will talk this shit out, or fight it out, whatever it ends up being, I'm ready.
"This," she waves her hand between us as if that is enough explanation. I don't bite back. I'm not letting her off this easily. She huffs, throwing her hands up and then crossing them over her chest before letting them fall to her sides once again. It's like she can't decide what to do with them. "This is supposed to be easy, no attachments, nothing more than physical. There isn't supposed to be feelings involved, no jealousy or drama."
"So it's more, why is that such a bad thing?" She seems annoyed by my response. "Come here." I reach for her, and she steps back. Immediately my temper flares, and even though I try to rein it in, it's uncontrollable. "Dani, I can't control the way I feel about you, and I don't want to. I've played it your way. I've pretended every time you left my place, or I had to leave yours, it didn't kill me. We screw and then roll over, get dressed, and leave like nothing about it means a God damn thing. You're not just a girl to relieve some stress with or fulfill an urge. You're more than that."
"You are the one who offered this Jonah." Her voice rises. "It was you who said it would remain physical only."
"Because you needed me to say it was okay. Maybe I was hoping for some time to show you we could be more." When she rolls her eyes, something inside me snaps. "Forgive me for wanting to hold on to you longer and being willing to offer myself up as your fuck buddy to make you stay. My bad," my nostrils flare as I try to maintain my anger, "I was wrong."
"Jonah."
"He fucked up," pointing out to my left like her bastard ex is there or something; I glare at her. "He hurt you, not me."
"I can't do this," she pushes past me, and I grab her elbow to keep her from leaving.
"So instead of working through this, you're willing to let that bastard ruin something I know without a doubt could be amazing. We are good together. You know that, and if you'd give me a chance to—"
"I can't," there's no hesitation, no worried look, just a simple denial.
"No, Dani, I can't," I release my hold on her and take a few steps away, needing some distance. I feel like the ground is falling out from beneath me. I am free-falling without anything to grab to break my fall. But I can't be someone I'm not, and I can't keep pretending what I want; what I need doesn't matter. "This isn't working anymore," the words burn my throat to confess. "I want more. I can't do this slipping into your place late at night, fucking each other and then disappearing before the sun comes up. I want to kiss you and hold you. I want to tell you the things I feel for you without you freaking out and running. I don't just want sex Dani; I want everything."
"And I can't give you everything." For a brief moment, she looks at me, and I can see the glistening unshed tears in her eyes. She is hurting, and part of me is glad I'm not the only one feeling like my heart is being crushed.
"You can. You just won't." And that is what pisses me off the most.
We continue to stare at one another; sadness etched in both of our expressions though I think we are both trying to fight it. I want Dani to realize this is a mistake and rush toward me. I want to hold her and assure her we have this and that I'll never hurt her, but she doesn't move.
I understand right then this; it's our goodbye.
"Then I guess there's nothing more to say," I feel defeated.
"I wish—" she begins, and I interrupt her.
"Don't," I don't want to hear excuses. Nothing will make any of this hurt less. She's right. It was only supposed to be sex. She tried to avoid heartache, avoid the commitment to keep herself from being hurt again. She wanted to live out all of her fantasies while remaining detached.
The problem is while Dani was keeping me at a distance, I was falling in love. And that's my fault, after all, she warned me, and I fell anyway.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Danielle
"Aren't you a miserable twit," I don't even look at Gina but instead toss the couch pillow at her head. Even though she attempts to dodge it, it still bounces off her cheek, which gives me little satisfaction. "Bitch," she adds.
There isn't too much ground I have to stand on. I've been in a mood for days. I have no one to blame but myself. All I can hope for is it will soon pass.
There is a small light at the end of the tunnel. With the end of the school year approaching, I'll have my summer to get over the funk. I'll never say it aloud, but the loss of what was happening with Jonah hurt more than losing Matt. That should have been all I needed to get my head out of my ass, but I am a stupid bitch, and I don't know why but I can't bring myself to admit I may have been wrong.
"You do know you screwed up, right?" Again, I ignore her. She's been here for a few hours, and honestly, I think the only reason she stopped by was to make me feel more miserable.
And Addison, I can't remember a time in my life when she and I were at the opposite ends of anything. But this is a rough one. She won't admit it, but I know she's mad at me, or she thinks I'm a complete and total idiot, which I am. Add in the fact that she's practically living with Jonah's best friend, and it makes an awkward situation even worse. Molly, well, she made absolutely no effort in hiding her disappointment in me.
I believe her words were, I don't feel sorry for you, you had a great guy, and you were dumb enough to let Matthew and Cathryn hold you back. Keep letting them win. Yeah, that's smart.
Gina's right. I'm a miserable twit.
"Let's go get tacos," Gina pushes up off the couch and tugs on the pant leg of my lounge pants. I make no effort to move. "Hello, taco's woman, they make everyone feel better."
"I'm not hungry."
"Then you can sit your skanky ass in the booth across from me and watch me enjoy mine."
"I don't want to get dressed," I'm prepared to throw her one excuse after another.
"Then don't. It's not like you're searching for a guy or anything. It shouldn't matter if you look like a hideous cat lady who hasn't bathed in more than a week."
I look up and glare at her, "I've bathed."
"You have?" She scans over me, wrinkling her nose in the process. "Did you use soap? And when was the last time you brushed your hair?"
The asshole of the bunch is who I have left. I didn't just toss away Jonah like he was a piece of meat. I've managed to lose my entire support system in the process. In a group of friends, there is always an array of attitudes and opinions. Addison is the voice of reason. She is the one who holds me up even when I don't think it will get better and I've hit rock bottom. Molly is self-absorbed, the silly one that has a hard time taking anything seriously until there is no way out of it. Then she is the first person to call you out on your mistakes. Rachel, well, she is flighty. Rarely can she focus on anything for more than five minutes and never has anything important to add to the conversation. She's the go with the flow, agree to whatever everyone else wants, girl. She is the follower.
And then there is Gina, she is bitchy, and demanding, she is loud and crude, but she is also fierce and the one you want on your side when everything goes to shit. She will lead the battle and fight like hell to keep everyone else out of the line of fire, even if it means she takes the fall for anything and everything.
"Stop moping," she pushes my leg, and it falls off the edge of the coffee table. "You don't get to pout and ac
t like the heartbroken stranded lovesick girl. What in the hell is wrong with you? You're the one who ended it, not him. You could have had it all, but you thought it was too much."
"Are you done?"
"I'm far from done, but to be honest, I don't plan on spending my entire afternoon reminding you while you let your life waste away. Your ex and your sister are building a life, creating a family, and making memories."
"Harsh," it doesn't hurt anymore when someone reminds me Matthew and my sister are together and about to have a baby.
"But it is the truth; they win, your sister, she wins just like she always has. She got the guy, and she's getting the baby in the big house on the hill. She's got your parents believing she does no wrong, and you're the one who is letting her win." I don't argue.
"I don't feel sorry for you," she adds, and I swallow past the lump that has formed in my throat. "I feel sad for you." Tears prick my eyes, and I look away, trying to hide my emotions.
"Somewhere along the way, Dani, you shut down, you stopped believing you deserve happiness, and instead, you settled. You settled years ago when you pretended what you had with Matt made you feel complete. You settled when you said you'd marry his pathetic ass, and you settled when you created the fucked up idea you and Jonah were nothing more than sex."
I stand, needing to get away from her, needing to breathe and maybe break down in private. But Gina doesn't ease up. It isn't in her nature. Instead, she trails behind me, and when I attempt to shut the door to the bathroom, she puts her foot in the way to stop it. Bracing her hand on the center of the door, she stares at me.
"I love you, Dani. We all do, but we all also think you're screwing up your life. And if we can't tell you that, if we can't be honest, then what kind of friendship do we truly have?"
Biting the inner part of my lip, I breathe through my nose, hoping the tears pooling in my eyes don't fall.
"You feel something for him, don't you?" Her question surprises me, but I remain stubborn and refuse to give her the answer she's searching for.