by C. A. Harms
"So," her shoulders visibly rise when she takes in a deep breath before peeking over at me as I sit down in the chair beside her. "Is she the reason why you and I have been stuck in the same mode since we first met?"
"I wish she weren't," I confess, still feeling like there is so much weight pressing on the center of my chest.
"What happened between the two of you?"
Finally, looking over at her, I half expect to find her glaring at me, but instead, she offers me a kind, understanding smile. Right now, I feel a wave of anger toward Dani that I didn't know I was capable of feeling. I hate that she's done this to me. I hate how she's ruined me. "We met and I thought we could be more, she didn't."
"But yet she shows up at your house at almost eleven o'clock at night, hoping for what?" Heather isn't mad; she's sincere. Like she's a friend I'm confiding in. It kills me we are doing this, and once again, I'm back in the same place, consumed by a woman I only want to forget.
"I'm sorry," and I am. "I wish more than anything—,"
"I know," Heather turns her body to face mine, releasing her hold on her wine glass. "The timing is wrong, and I get it. What I also get is the two of you most definitely have some unresolved issues. You need to work it out, talk it out or yell, and hey, maybe, in the end, you'll both find what you need. Whether that's being together or being able to move on without a weight around your neck."
"You should hate me," I still don't understand how she can be so calm.
"I don't hate you." Placing her hand on my jean-clad thigh, I meet her stare once again. "You can't help who you fall in love with. It would have been so much easier had it been me, but hey." She laughs it off, and I couldn't have agreed more.
"You wanna give me a lift home?"
I forgot until then she's without a car. We'd gone out to a movie and then ended up back here. I had planned to let things happen between her and I, trying my hardest to push myself over the hump. Wrong, I know, but I was desperate to get rid of this pressure in my chest, and I was willing to try anything, even if it meant being an ass.
I am an ass.
"You sure you don't want to slap me or something?" When she smiles and cups my jaw, I lean into her touch. I hate that I'm doing this to her.
"No," she is sweet when she has no real reason to be. "But I do want to kiss you one last time. Not to feed your ego or anything, but you do give the kind of kisses that are hard to forget."
Shaking my head, I chuckle and stand from my chair, the same as she does.
When she presses her lips to mine, I finally relax, knowing the hard part is over. Now is our bittersweet goodbye, and we are parting, I hope, as friends.
Our lips part, and slowly she opens her eyes, "That woman is completely insane if she lets you go."
Without pause, I wrap her in my arms and stand there in the center of my kitchen, feeling a little less weighed down. "I truly am sorry," so very sorry. Heather is going to make one lucky man happy someday. She is one of the good ones.
"I know, Jonah," she whispers against my chest, "it's okay." Nothing about this is okay.
After I drop Heather off and walk her to her door, we share another friendly hug before I drive off. Not knowing where I'm going or what my plans are, I drive around for more than an hour. I know going home to an empty house will only leave me with my thoughts, and nothing about it sounds appealing. My mind is still racing, and the longer I drive around, the more my thoughts turn to irritation and anger.
The rain begins to fall, the sound of it hitting my windshield is somewhat soothing. But as it falls heavier and faster, I find myself parked in the parking lot of Dani's apartment.
I know it's a mistake, but lately, I seem to be making all the wrong choices, so it doesn't surprise me that I'm still making them. I can go home and stew over Danielle, or I can face off with her and tell her how I feel about this fucking head game she is playing. I choose the worse of two evils. Alone in my home would have been safer.
The longer I sit there staring at the door ahead, the more pissed off I grow. I have no one to talk any sense into me, no one to tell me this is a mistake. The only light anywhere is that of the tall outdoor lighting, which lines the parking lot and spills over onto the sidewalks leading to each unit.
She came to my house for what? There's honestly nothing she said that was of any importance. All tonight accomplished is confusing me.
Anger and frustration consume me, and I jerk open my door and climb out of my car. Slamming it shut behind me, I look up, feeling the rain pelt my skin. I know I should have gotten back in my car and driven off, but when it comes to Dani, I'm notorious for making poor decisions, so instead, I walk to her front door.
It's late or early; however, you want to look at it.
Well, after one a.m. and I'm still wide awake. There's no rest in my future, not when I feel the way I do.
I stand outside her door, staring at the wreath with the single word stretched out over the center. Welcome. Yeah, I laugh sarcastically.
Another few minutes pass, with me staring at her door. I'm sure I look like some crazy person in the darkness. The rain falls hard, and though most of my body is hidden, my entire back is getting soaked through to my skin. My shirt and pants stick to me, my hair completely saturated and dripping down onto my shoulders and face.
Suddenly overcome with irritation, I lift my hand and pound on the door. It sounds louder due to the quietness surrounding me, but then again, maybe it's because I want to ensure Danielle has no choice but to hear me.
Time passes, and it feels like forever, until I again knock, making the decoration on her door bounce around with the vibration of my fist.
The light comes on inside, shining out through the window at the side. My heart races, knowing she's looking out to see who it is outside the door. I've never in my life loved someone and hated them at the same time. It's the ugliest kind of feeling, and I'm so torn and overwhelmed at the same time.
The sound of the locks clicking, the creak of the door as she opens it, everything feels like it's echoing in my mind.
Dani comes into view, and her appearance is much different from earlier. No longer is she wearing one of the dresses that always made my heart race every time she stepped into a room. She wears no heels on her feet, no makeup on her face. Instead, Dani wears her tight tiny boy shorts and a t-shirt that stops at her waist. A pair of fuzzy socks on her feet which on any other night might have made me smile.
Her feet are always cold.
I stare at her, wondering why I'm doing this to myself. It's fucking torture, and any sane man would have walked away without a second thought, but here I am.
It pisses me off she's managed to make me this version of myself. She waltzes into my life, flips everything upside down, and storms out, leaving behind pure destruction.
"Why now!" I've never heard my voice sound so angry. It echoes over the small entryway, and Dani jumps in response to it. "You showed up at my house, drunk, and you felt like you had something to fucking say, so what was it? Say it?"
"Jonah," She moves closer, looking out over the area behind me to ensure no one is watching me, I guess. But I don't give a shit. I'm well aware I've shown up on her front porch, waking her from her sleep and probably half her neighbors so that I can scream at her in the middle of the night while the rain beats down on me. And I don't give a fucking shit!
"Come inside," she whispers, reaching for me, and I jerk back my arm, surprising us both. Quickly she begins twisting her hands because she and I both know I’ve made her nervous. "We could go in and ta—"
"No!" I manage to lower my voice, but I can't wipe off the glare I know I'm wearing from my face. I lean in close, bracing my hands on the door frame, my face merely inches from hers. "I gave you the chance to change everything. I stood in my foyer, practically begging you to want more with me, but you. Walked. Away."
When Dani flinches, it hits me how aggressive I'm being, and immediately I know I've gone too far. I can
't be this guy.
Lowering my voice, it cracks when I continue. "Now that I have a chance to have something with someone else, you show up at my place for what? So you can fuck with my head and confuse me all over again."
"I'm sorry," her lower lip trembles, and she looks away. I'm sure to hide her unshed tears, but it's too late. I've noticed them. I welcome them because it means she feels something, and for so long, I wondered if I had even meant anything to her at all.
"I should hate you!" Lifting her gaze, she stares at me, her nostrils flaring while trying not to cry. "It would be so much easier if I could."
"I would understand if you did," she shrugs, and one tear falls from her eye as it trails over her cheek, then drips onto her shirt, leaving a small wet spot on the dark material. My hand flexes against the doorframe while I fight to reach out and wipe away the trail it left behind. "I hate me," she adds, and again, her lip trembles.
We hold each other's gaze, saying nothing, but in my mind, I have a million things fighting to break free. We could have been incredible together, and though I love her, I'm just not sure if I can go down this road with Dani again.
"I love you," her words hit me like a freight train. Three single words that had she said to me that night while we stood in my house before she walked away would have meant everything to me.
But now, though my heart races and my body wants hers close, my mind is screaming it's too late. My heart can't take another break from this woman.
And as if she knows what I'm feeling, she moves closer, and with quick movements, she presses her lips to mine. I don't pull away, but I also don't kiss her back. The war inside of me is mighty. The lust I have for her and have always had makes it difficult not to grab her and carry her inside, going straight for her bedroom. But the ache in my chest only grows stronger.
When her tongue trails over the seam of my lip, I part mine and accept her kiss, bringing my tongue out to taste hers. I allow myself a weak moment to kiss her, remembering what it felt like to have her lips on mine.
I've never kissed anyone and had it overtake me the way kissing Dani does. She consumes me, and it hasn't changed. But something inside me has.
I grip her shoulders and use the strength I've gained to move my body away from hers.
"I can't do this, Dani. I just can't." Shaking my head, I push back from the door and walk away without looking back. But I know without a doubt my heart still lies at her feet. I know forgetting Dani, moving on from Dani, will be something I will never fully accomplish.
Chapter Thirty
Danielle
My legs give out beneath me, and I crumbled to the floor, not even attempting to brace myself. My body shakes as I sob while Jonah backs out of the parking space and starts to pull away.
His taillights are blurring through the tears I shed. I hang my head, not caring that I am on the ground in my opened doorway, crying like a baby.
I feel sick, I blame it on the uncontrollable crying, but I know it's because it's too late for Jonah and I. When he needed to hear me say the words, when it could have meant everything and would have, I gave him nothing.
Suddenly I'm being lifted from the ground, and I don't have to look to know it's Jonah holding me in his arms. I'd know his scent and warmth anywhere. I've missed it more than anything. I curl into his chest, burying my face in the crook of his neck, and breathe him in. I don't know if I'm dreaming, but I know I don't want to wake up.
I feel the bed give beneath me as he lowers me to the mattress, and when he tries to pull away from me, I hold on tighter. "Please don't leave," I don't care that I'm begging. At this point, I feel no shame. "I need you," I'm breaking. I feel like I can't breathe.
I feel his chest rise and then fall against my cheek. I can hear his heart beating rapidly in my ear, and still, I hold on like my life depends on it. He holds me, his hand soothingly rubbing over the center of my back. My body still shakes as I take in breath after breath. I can't remember the last time I have ever cried so hard.
Turning my face in closer to his, I feel the burn from his stubble as it brushes against my cheek, and I think I hear myself sigh as it, too, is comforting. I press my lips to his jaw, his chest rises once more, and then he exhales, his breath fanning out over my face.
Moving even closer, like my body is moving on its own accord, I kiss him again and again, slowly moving in closer to his mouth. He doesn't resist, so I try for more, catching the corner of his lips. "Dani," he says my name as he leans away, "stop."
I don't listen, I can't, my desperation taking over every thought, I try to kiss him again, and he twists his face away from mine, while gripping my biceps. "Stop."
I look down, focusing on my lap because the rejection is like being burned with an open flame. I know rejection, I've spent my entire life receiving it from my mother and even my father, but it never hurt this bad. Coming from Jonah, it's crippling.
I see movement out of the corner of my eye as he pulls his phone from his pocket and begins to dial. He's probably calling the local hospital to have me committed, I'm spiraling out of control, and quite frankly, I, too, think I've lost my damn mind. I have never been so unstable, and I've managed to drive myself to this dark place. It's all my fault, all my doing.
"Is Addison there?" I glance up at him to find him staring at me. But his face is void of any readable emotion.
Why is he calling Addi?
"You need to send her over to Danielle's." I understand then; he is passing me off. Jonah is a good man, and leaving me, it's something he wants to do but is having a hard time doing. Yet another thing I've made difficult for him.
There's another long pause.
"Just do it, Tony, please."
He ends the call, and I don't know why I continue to drag myself through this long devastating ordeal, but I reach out for his hand, needing to feel him for even just a second. I'm surprised when he doesn't pull back right away. But then, he carefully slides his hand from mine before standing from the bed, keeping his back to me.
Then ever so slowly, he turns around and looks down at me. I sense he wants to say more. He parts his lips and then quickly presses them together tightly several times. Never actually forming one word, and also never taking his eyes from mine.
Telling him I love him again seems cruel, so I bite back the words. Telling him I was so wrong and that I need him more than I have ever needed anyone before is pointless, so instead, I don't say a word.
Leaning over me, he presses a soft kiss to the top of my head, and then I'm being forced to watch him walk away again. Only this time I look away quickly, because I know I can't take it. It's too final, and right now, I need more than anything to hold on to that last ounce of hope hidden deep in my heart that says maybe just maybe he'll come back.
I sit in my tub, the water up to my neck, the bubbles that surround me covering me fully. The smell of lavender and vanilla fills the bathroom, but it does nothing to soothe me. I can smell something cooking in the apartment, and it turns my stomach to think of eating even one bite.
My eyes feel so heavy, but I can't sleep. When I sleep, I dream, which is generally amazing, but then I have to wake up and remember those dreams are never coming true.
I'm living a roller coaster ride of ups and downs, high hopes and disappointments, so instead, I fight against the exhaustion.
"Dani," my head lolls to the side, resting against the unforgiving ceramic and the coolness. Addison stands at the bathroom door, wearing her pajamas and holding what appears to be something hot. Steam flows upward, "I made you something to eat."
"I'm not hungry." My stomach is already turning, and I haven't even attempted.
"Dani, you have to eat."
"I'm not hungry," I repeat.
Moving closer, she kneels next to the tub to ensure I can see her and only her. "It'll get better."
I shake my head feeling the hot tears pool in my eyes once more, "He hates me."
"He doesn't hate you," she attempts
to reassure me, but it is pointless.
"You didn't see his face," the anger, the hurt, "believe me, he hates me."
"I don't believe it."
I ignore her need to make me feel better. Right now, I can't stomach it. All I want is for her to be honest. I want her to tell me I'm an awful person who deserves everything I get, and he is better off without me. I want her to tell me that I got what I was asking for, and being heartbroken and alone is where I belong.
I turn away from her, staring at the blank wall opposite my tub. The water has already begun to cool, but I have no desire to move.
"Dani," she whispers my name, but I ignore her. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about anything.
Chapter Thirty-One
Jonah
"You're a dick!” Tony flops down in my recliner and pushes back, popping out the leg rest. He barged in through my front door, scowling like a grumpy old man, and flipped me off as he stormed past. Now here he sits, with a pissed-off look on his face.
"Why am I a dick?"
"Because you took my girlfriend away." Reaching out, he jerks the controller from my hand and starts flipping through the channels.
I don't say anything more, just stare at him as he pouts. I know this has something to do with Dani, and I'm not sure I'm ready to discuss what took place.
"Twelve fucking days and nights now," He doesn't look away from the television." That's how long she's been camped out at Dani's house because you called and woke her ass up in the middle of the night to rush over there. Now she refuses to leave her side for more than a few minutes."
There's a pause as if he expects me to jump in right then and add something.
"What in the hell happened anyway?" Now he focuses on me. "Why were you even over there to begin with?" Tony has an issue with Dani. His problem is about his loyalty to me, I know, but honestly, he needs to let it all go. I don't need him crossing over some invisible line to stand at my side. I'm a big boy.