by C. A. Harms
I lay awake at her side and watch her sleep, except this time, everything will be different. She loves me, and she isn't ready to run away from me the very second her feet hit the floor.
She didn't argue when I told her I was taking her home with me. She didn't hesitate when I gave her one of my shirts to put on. Instead, Danielle stripped right there in the center of my room before lifting it over her head. I think she was entirely too exhausted even to care.
Unsure of what time it is, I continue to watch her as the sun begins to set. Long ago, I sent Addison a text telling her that I had Dani with me. I knew if I didn't, she'd be showing up here, and right now, I want time alone with Dani.
I curl my body closer to hers, and I hold her.
She remains tucked tightly to me throughout the night. Her legs are intertwining with mine, and her head alternates between my chest or the crook of my neck.
She’s sleeping hard, and I find her snoring comforting because I know she’s getting the sleep she desperately needs.
I know I'm never letting her go again, I know now what life is like without Dani, and I never want to go back to that place again. I meant what I said, she's mine, and this means I'll take care of her. No matter what it takes, I'll give her everything she wants and more.
"She's okay," I say quietly. I am standing in the front entryway of my house with Addison only a few feet away. She's giving me an unsatisfied look, and I know it will remain this way until she sees Dani for herself. Her arms are crossed over her chest, her lips pressing in a tight thin line. One eyebrow cocked in an unconvinced sort of manner. "Honestly, we've just been sleeping, and I think that's what she’s needing."
"Oh, she needs a hell of a lot more than just sleep." Addison practically growls. I know she's not mad at me, she's frustrated with the situation, but the woman can be a little intimidating at times. I know myself that seeing Dani in her current state or finding her on the dance floor with some guy wasn't easy.
When Dani stared at me as I walked across the lawn toward her, with nothing more than a blank stare on her face. I don't know if she even saw me or if she was so lost in thought it took her a bit to register I was there.
But what I do know is she's not the same Dani who knocked me on my ass all those months ago.
"I agree she needs more than just sleep."
I hear a shuffle behind me, and I turn around to find Dani standing just outside my bedroom door, her arms timidly wrapping around her body I'll admit I hate it. I want my vibrant, sexy, and daring girl back.
"What you should have done first is get that woman a rack of ribs and a chocolate cake with extra chocolate." Both Addison and I turn around and glare at Tony, silently telling him to shut the fuck up.
"What?" He shrugs. "I'm just saying she looks hungry."
"Shut the fuck up," I whisper yell hoping he gets the hint.
Addison goes for the junk, though. "I will cut you off if you so much as say one more word." Tony steps back, holding up his hands in defense. And like I thought, he says nothing.
I start to go to Dani, but Addison brushes past me quickly, beating me to it. I watch while she places her hand over Dani's and drags her off to my bedroom, leaving me alone with Tony.
"You better get comfy man," He slaps me on the back and starts toward my kitchen. "That shits gonna take a while."
"Well, if you'd keep your girl satisfied, she wouldn't keep running away."
"Hey now, I keep her plenty satisfied." He says defensively.
"She's grumpy."
"Yours looks like she's malnourished."
Fully prepared to knock him flat on his ass, I take a step toward him. "Honestly, man, I'm gonna fucking punch you." Again he backs away, throwing his hands up in the air. He should stop talking.
It's two in the afternoon on Sunday, and I'm half tempted to close the office tomorrow and reschedule all my patients. It doesn't matter that I've been sleeping for several hours, but I feel like I haven't slept peacefully in weeks.
I got us a couple of beers, and we sit in the living room watching recaps of sports while we wait. But I know myself I'm not paying too much attention to what's on television. I keep looking over my shoulder toward my bedroom, wondering what's going on with the ladies. A big part of me wants to shield Dani from any inquisitions, and this includes Addison. I want the old Dani back, yes, the one who makes my heart race and has such a sassy attitude. I want to hear her laugh. I want to drown in her smiles, but I also don't want to push her.
I want my girl.
And I want us to start living our life.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Danielle
"You are here," Addison lays on the bed next to me with her head resting on the pillow beside my own. Both of us turned on our sides, talking in low voices. "That's a good thing because where you were was a mistake."
I laugh, or at least I attempt to. It's been far too long since I've felt joy, and it's strange to be happy.
"I still can't believe he showed up at my parents' house." It was the last place I'd expected anyone to show up uninvited. Especially Jonah after the way we left things.
"He came unglued when he found out you were there."
"I thought he and Matthew were going to tackle each other when we tried to leave."
"Do tell," she wiggles her body closer, her eyes full of excitement.
"It was a short-lived battle of words, one that Jonah won." I'm the guy who’s going to marry Dani one day. I still can't believe he said those words, but I've convinced myself it was just for show. After the way I treated him, the things I put him through, how can he trust me now?
"What are you thinking?" I hadn't realized my thoughts had drifted off until I reconnected with Addison. No longer smiling, but now appearing concerned. "I don't like this version of you. It scares me."
"I don't like me either right now," I confess, "but I'll get there, I promise. I'm my own worst enemy." I yawn, feeling myself relaxing into the warm cozy covers a little more. I'll admit Jonah's bed is the most comfortable bed, but maybe it's because it smells like him.
"Do you remember the day when you were at my place, and you were upset because you'd just left your parents? I think it was a dinner or something, and you went out onto my back balcony because you needed a little time." I nod, knowing the very night she's talking about. "He confessed to me that night he'd fallen for you."
I close my eyes feeling an emotional response for the first time in days.
"Let him love you, Dani," a burning sensation fills my chest. "He wants to, he's wanted to for so long now, but he's been afraid to because you said it wasn’t what you wanted." It's because I told him it was all I was capable of. "I think we both know what you need is to have a man in your life who puts you first for a change. Someone to love you even when you feel like they shouldn't, that's Jonah. I can see the way he looks at you. From the beginning, it's been that way. Like he's in a trance whenever you are near. Stop sabotaging your happiness."
All I can do is nod because I know she's right, but her words are affecting me much more than I expected.
"It's time to let go of all the ugly, wouldn't you say?"
"Yes," it has consumed me for far too long. And it has also almost cost me not only my best friends but also the one man I believe is the only man who's truly loved me.
I keep my eyes closed, but it doesn't keep the tears from falling. It feels good just to let everything flow through me and to feel every emotion. To accept what I'm going through and stop fighting it.
I relax when I feel Addi start to rub my arm. Pushing the hair back from my face, I fade more and more until I've fallen asleep, feeling a little less weight pressing down around me.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Jonah
I quickly stand when Addison steps into the living room alone. Looking behind her, I wait for Dani to appear, only she doesn't.
"She fell asleep," Addi clarifies.
They've been gone for hours, and I can te
ll by Addison's appearance she may have fallen asleep too. I can't help but wonder what took place in my bedroom.
"Is she okay?" I take a few steps in her direction, looking past her toward the bedroom fighting the pull to go to Danielle.
"She will be," the crack in Addison's voice hits me deep. "I think those walls she's built, the one that keeps her from feeling anything she doesn't want to, finally broke."
The ache in my chest is almost unbearable.
Hanging my head, I take in one deep breath after another. I need them to leave. I need to be alone.
Feeling a hand rest on my forearm is more than I can handle, and I think Addison knows it. Quickly she moves in closer, wrapping her arms around my waist, and I accept her comfort. She isn't the woman I want to be holding, but I've hit a moment of weakness, and Addison understands more than anyone.
When I regain my composure, I stand tall, releasing Addison. She smiles at me and wipes her eyes. "All you have to do is love her like no one ever has."
"I already do."
"I know you do," and I believe she does. I think Addison has been on my side from the beginning. "Now, you just need to show her that."
It's what I plan on doing. If I have it my way, Dani will never feel like she’s alone again. She'll know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally and always to have someone on her side. Someone who will eliminate anyone who thinks it's okay to attempt to hurt her or degrade her. And those people who call themselves her family, I'd prefer them to never be near her again. I'll spend every day telling her and showing her how much she means to me. And when she feels so overwhelmed with my love, I will love her even harder.
Saying goodbye to Tony and Addison, I stand in the open doorway, watching them leave. When they disappear at the end of the drive, turning out onto the main road, I close the door behind me and lock it. I walk down the hallway and enter my bedroom, pausing in the doorway. I can tell where Dani is only by the way the blankets are all bunched up around her. Only the top of her head peeks out from beneath. She is on the side I usually sleep, and I remember once, before everything fell apart, when she said my bed smelled like me.
The memory floods my mind, her crawling up my bed, wearing only her bra and panties, laying back against the pillows. She turned her head slightly and buried her nose in the pillow at her side.
"Mm," she sighed and remained there.
"Are you smelling my pillow?" I asked from the end of my bed.
"Maybe," looking back toward me, she smiled her knock me dead smile, and I felt its effects throughout my entire body. I'd never had a girl smile at me, and it makes me feel like I was floating, not until Danielle.
"This entire bed smells like you." I arched my brow, still feeling a little woozy from her beauty. "I'll admit your scent turns me on."
"My scent," I laughed at the words as I started to climb up the end of the bed toward her, her chest rising and falling quickly.
She nodded her head just as I reached her, and my body hovered over hers. "Manly and strong, it's what I think of whenever I smell it. Unpredictable and sexy," she added. It was the first time she'd slipped a little and had fallen out of that friends with benefits category she had so strategically placed us in.
"It makes you feel all those things, huh?"
"Yes," her breathy whisper was enough to tell me she was reeling from the moment as much as I was. "And so much more," she cupped my face and pulled my lips to hers. She was kissing me deeply while circling her legs around my waist to hold my body tightly to hers.
In my eyes, it was the one and only time Dani allowed me to make love to her. I know she felt it too, though she refused to accept it. The memory is so clear, etched in my mind. I've replayed that one night several times while we were apart. It was by far the one that blurred the lines more than any other night we were together.
During our time apart, even when I was with Heather, which I felt awful about, I was always lost in thought remembering Dani. I've seen her in my dreams; even when I was awake, I swear I smelled her perfume. I was hopeless. No matter how hard I tried to fight it, how angry I got, I never stopped thinking of her or loving her. I knew losing her would be something I would never truly recover from, but I was also a scorned man who had to lose it all to know life without her would be too hard to face.
The blankets around Danielle move, falling away from her face when she rolls to her back. While she scans over the room from one side to the other, she pauses on me where I still stand in the doorway of my bedroom—quietly observing her, getting lost in my memories. I was afraid to wake her, but now that she's awake, I am desperate to feel her.
A sense of urgency hits me, and I move forward, crawling in next to her, wrapping my arms around her, resting my head on her stomach. Dani places her palm against the back of my head, softly running her fingers through my hair. Curling in even tighter, I bury my nose into her shirt and breath her in.
"Is everything okay?"
I have the opportunity right then to pretend everything is excellent and hide what I'm feeling, but I can't. So instead, I shake my head, taking in one more deep breath. When I look up she looks concerned, and it leaves me feeling even more unsettled. We can never go back, never be what we were. There is no way I can hold back this time. I'm not about to start now.
"I want you to stay here for a while."
"What?" Her hand pauses on my head, coming around to my face, and cupping my jaw, staring at me.
"I don't want you to go back to your apartment quite yet." Or ever, to be honest.
She smiles at me, and it hits me hard, causing weakness in my chest. There's my girl, my smiling beauty. "I'm okay to be alone, Jonah."
What she doesn't know is she will never be alone again. "Maybe you are, but I'm not."
"Jonah," Closing my eyes, I fight the urge to lose the battle inside me. This place, the one we are currently in, it's a place I don't like. A place where I'm afraid to touch her, kiss her, afraid to say or do the wrong thing because I don't know what is going on inside her mind. "Come here," she whispers, and I open my eyes once more to find her staring at me. Gone is the blank look in her eyes, and now she holds that same kindness and sincerity she had before.
Crawling up her body until I'm at her side, I rest my head on my propped arm.
Soothingly Dani traces her thumb over my jaw and along my lower lip. "I was such an idiot."
"Babe," I shake my head, and she stops me by pressing her finger to my lips.
"Let me say this, please." She pauses, waiting. I'm sure to see if I'm going to interrupt her again. When I nod for her to continue, she lowers her hand and begins toying with the collar of my shirt. "When I was with Matt—"
"Dani, I don't want to hear this," I start to get up, and she sits up with me, holding on to my arm.
"Let me finish."
"No guy wants to hear about his girl being with another man. And I say a guy with hesitation because that little shit, is no man."
She laughs and then bites her lip tightly to attempt to stop it. The guy is a complete and total tool. What she ever saw in him is beyond me. He's pathetic, with his over moussed hair and plucked eyebrows.
"Understood," she finally speaks again. "I'm not talking about Matthew. I'm trying to tell you who I was when I was with him."
"Well," this keeps getting better and better, "that's just going to piss me off too because I saw the version of who you are around those people, and it's not my Dani."
"Your Dani?" I shift my gaze back to meet hers and find her smiling happily.
"Yes," I cup her cheek. "Mine," when she smiles again, only wider than before, I take a chance, and I kiss her softly. I swear she sighs the second my lips touch hers. Something had shifted inside of me when I found her at her parents' house, a possessive nature that may have been there before but was able to maintain suddenly ignites.
"Will you please let me finish?" I'm also having a hard time not giving her anything and everything she asks for. The proble
m is she's not asking for much, so this, I can give her. Even if I know, it's going to grate on my nerves. I can suffer through it.
"Fine, but this is it," I want to move forward. "After this conversation, it's got to be over. No more him, no more shit family who doesn't see you for who you are, none of the fucked up crap that is going to piss me off. That part of your life is over." It has to be, or I'm going to lose my shit and do something stupid.
She stares at me, and for a minute, I'm unsure of what she is thinking. Then she slowly nods, accepting I mean what I've said.
"Okay," I sit back, resting my back to the headboard and bracing myself for what she is about to tell me. I know I am about to get pissed, but not at this beautiful girl. I am pissed at the people who have hurt her.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Danielle
"I learned from the beginning with Matt; I could never truly be myself. I met him through my father," I twist my hands in my lap nervously, and when Jonah places his hand over mine, I sigh. I almost lost this because I was too blind to see what was right in front of me. I look over, finding him watching me closely, and the way his jaw muscle ticks under the pressure of him grinding his teeth reminds me of when he stood head-to-head with Matt in my parents' yard.
"He thought dresses unless they were below the knee were trashy. Makeup was to be kept light, jewelry simple and classy, and when we were in public, I was told to remain at his side supporting him, doting on him; he came first. A woman who treats her man like he rules the world sets the precedent for everyone else and the way they treat him." I'd skip over the less than adventurous sex because I know Jonah won't sit still and listen to that, and frankly, I don't want to recap it either. It was mediocre at best.