by Monica James
I get it now.
It’s been two days, two torturous days that I’ve kept my distance from Ella.
My plan appears to have worked, and what she overheard the night on the porch between Willow and me was enough to keep her away.
She kept busy, tending to the animals with Larisa, while I worked with Pavel, organizing her safe passage out of Russia. Usually, her curious nature would have gotten the better of her and she’d ask what I was doing, but not now.
I’ve hurt her by playing on her insecurities. She knows what Willow means to me, so hearing me confess that I still love her has confused her about my feelings for her. But it’s because of my feelings for her that I’m doing this.
Maybe in another lifetime, we’d work, but in this reality, we just don’t. She deserves so much more than what I can offer her.
With a sigh, I punch in the new code on the keypad and watch as the gates to the orphanage open. I had to stick to my story in case Santo was watching and sent a flurry of workmen to work on the grounds. First on the agenda was changing every lock in this place and reprogramming the codes.
Serg has the master key and codes, and even though he needs this place, I didn’t trust him not to storm it on a whim.
Even though she was kept in the dark, Mother Superior agreed to the plans. But when I park my car near the front entrance, not the back, I realize this will be the last time she ever has to trust me. Getting out of my SUV, I shield the sun from my eyes as I peer up, taking in the orphanage in all of its splendor.
It’s come a long way since I first saw it, and I’m proud I played a part in its growth. I happily accept my fate, knowing I leave this legacy behind even though I’m merely a drop in the ocean. Mother Superior is the one who bleeds for this place.
But I guess in just a few days, I will too.
Pressing the doorbell, I wait for one of the sisters to come to the door. Good. They didn’t just buzz me in. With the death of Sister Yali still fresh in their minds, I can imagine the fear of God has been instilled into them.
Sister Helena lets me in but doesn’t greet me how she once would. I guess the orphanage is rife with rumors, and seeing as Ella, Renata, and I are gone, there’s no guessing who is responsible for the sudden lockdown.
“Mother Superior is in her office.” She doesn’t escort me. I know the way.
Once she locks the door and arms the alarm, I walk down the hallway, unbelieving of the heavy quietness in the air. Usually, I would be greeted with shrill cries of joy as the children play merrily with one another.
But now, a stagnant weight fills the once happy space.
My shoes echo loudly on the polished flooring. I wonder how long it took to scrub Sister Yali’s blood clean?
Shaking my head, I focus on the task at hand and knock on Mother Superior’s door. “Come in.”
Opening the door, I see her sitting at her desk, reading over some paperwork. When she lifts her gaze and sees the healing bruising on my face, I can see the disappointment reflected in her eyes.
I try not to let it get to me and smile. “Good day, Mother Superior. Thank you for seeing me.”
She nods, gesturing for me to sit. But as I close the door, I’d rather stand as my stab wound is still healing.
No matter how many times I’ve practiced this speech, there is no way to soften the blow. So I decide to put us both out of our misery quickly. “I need you to sign the orphanage deed over to me. Temporarily.”
She remains stone-faced. It seems nothing I say can shock her anymore. “For you to ask this of me, I can only imagine what happens if I say no.”
“I have no right to ask this of you, but I ask that you trust me this one final time.”
She doesn’t miss the finality of my sentence. “And what becomes of you once this is done? I can’t imagine you benefit from this deal.”
With a melancholy smile, I reply, “I benefit in more ways than you’ll ever know. This ensures Irina’s safety. And yours. I made a promise to you to bring her back, and I meant it. This place will see no more evil because of me.”
Mother Superior clutches the crucifix around her throat. “This place has seen far more good than evil by your hand, Aleksei.” I wish I could believe her. “But if this must be done, then so be it. I shall have my lawyers draw up the paperwork immediately.”
“Thank you.” I nod in gratitude, as she’s just saved this place once again.
“Aleksei, forgive me.”
“Whatever for?” I ask, aghast.
“I should have never banished you from these walls. This place is your home.”
“No,” I gently disagree. “You did the right thing. My past has endangered this place for too long. I thank you for everything.”
Her astute eyes narrow. “Thank me? This sounds like goodbye.”
And that’s because it is.
I have no intention of ever returning because once this is done, the wolves will come for their prize. But I can’t let Mother Superior know this for she will try to change my mind.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m far more afraid of living when my loved ones aren’t.
Clearing my throat, I ensure my mask is strapped on tight. “You can’t get rid of me that easily. Once this is done, I’ll be back, and we can start on the rest of the renovations. I thought we could add an atrium in the west wing.”
Mother Superior rises from her chair and walks toward me. I dare not move. “My child.” She places her cool hand to my cheek. “Don’t forget I know you better than you know yourself. If you must do this, then I will accept your choice.
“If children were God’s wish for me, I often thought I’d like my son to be like you. You’re courageous, loyal, but foremost, you’re good. Thank you for whatever you plan to sacrifice for us.”
I’ve never heard these words before as I was easily replaced by my own mother. So to hear them now, I barely hold it together.
Leaning forward, I kiss Mother Superior’s forehead. “Ты единственная мама, которую я когда-либо знал.”
My confession stuns her, and she softly folds herself into my arms—a mother’s embrace. It seems fitting, seeing as I just told her she’s the only mother I’ve ever known.
I don’t just see her as a mentor, but she is also my mother in every sense of the word. She was there for me when my own flesh and blood wasn’t. I’ll never forget that, which is why I’ll happily lay down my life for her and everything she loves.
Her sniffles are too much, so I gently break our embrace. I don’t know how to say goodbye to the only person who has ever truly loved me. There are no words, so I simply caress her cheek with a smile, committing this moment to memory.
When I leave her office, a sense of liberation follows me out the door. Most would feel saddened this was the last time they were to walk these halls, but not me. Knowing Irina will take steps I cannot is enough. One might do a final sweep of the place that has been their home for so long, but for me, I could walk this place until I take my last breath, and it still wouldn’t be enough.
So I simply nod in gratitude to Sister Margaret who opens the door for me and leave my sanctuary behind. This place will stand strong, and that gives me faith.
My cell chimes. Digging into my pocket, I see it’s a text from Pavel.
Passport organized. Transport too. Tomorrow. AM.
Inhaling in relief, I almost feel like this is a parting gift as I leave the orphanage for good. Ella is safe. She can leave here now.
Max?
I type, asking if he’s had any luck with Raul.
Soon.
Raul isn’t making it easy for us. But we’ve left a trail, and sooner or later, he’ll take the bait.
Deed?
Done.
Pavel doesn’t reply because he knew I wouldn’t fail.
Getting into my SUV, I start the engine and don’t look back as I leave the orphanage behind. With one job done, I decide to tick another off the list
and dial Santo.
“Aleksei, I’ve been waiting for your call.” He doesn’t conceal his displeasure that it’s taken me this long to call.
“It’s all organized. You’ll get her in three days,” I state, not wishing to talk to this asshole longer than I need to.
His demeanor instantly changes. “My friend, this news pleases me so. How?”
“Just let me worry about that. However, I need more money. This has proven to be far more difficult than anticipated. I think another fifty thousand is fair. Half now. The rest on delivery.”
I’m playing a dangerous game, but he won’t say no. Two hundred thousand dollars is nothing to him.
“I’ve already given you more than enough.”
“Really? How much is she worth to you?” I pose, gripping the steering wheel.
“You’re right. No sum of money could ever amount to enough. I can wire it to you. Send me the details and I’ll see to it immediately.”
I shake my head at his greed because his stupidity has just cost him. “Excellent. Make whatever arrangements you need to. Three days from today.” And I hang up.
Three days from today is when my fated meeting with my half-brother is to take place. Therefore, it seems fitting that I screw him and Santo over on the same day.
In three days’ time, Ella will be long gone. Safe and sound, and seventy-five thousand dollars richer. The money will be split between her and Mother Superior. My final gift to them both.
Now, I just have to convince her to leave. She has no reason to stay. Pavel has her new life organized, just as he did with Willow and Saint. The new Antonella Ricci is within reach.
Classical music is my comfort as I drive to Larisa’s home. I wish I could offer her something too, but Pavel and Max will benefit from my death. They’ll fall in favor with Raul. With Serg gone, someone will have to fill his shoes.
I have no doubt that Pavel and Max have thought about it. But I won’t be here to see what they decide.
Saint and Willow are training in the front yard. He trips her when her attention falters toward me. He offers his hand, which she accepts with a frown. In response, he draws her into his arms and kisses away her anger.
This doesn’t bother me as much anymore. I suppose this is what moving on feels like.
I leave them to their canoodling and make my way into the house. Pavel gestures with his head toward the bedroom.
It’s on.
My palms suddenly begin to sweat. I don’t remember ever being this nervous before.
I don’t bother knocking as I open the door to see Ella curled on the bed, reading a book. When she sees me, she continues to read.
Her detachment stings, but this is what I wanted.
“Pavel has your passport and new ID,” I state, closing the door and leaning against it. I don’t trust myself as she shifts those long, supple legs.
“Your transportation has also been arranged. You leave tomorrow morning.”
I’m expecting some sort of reaction, but I get nothing in response.
“Did you hear what I said?” I bark, frustrated at myself, not her.
She closes the book and rests her head in her palm, staring at me. “I heard you.”
“And?” I prompt, not able to read her.
“And where am I supposed to go?”
“Back to America.”
Ella blinks once, appearing wounded by my comment. I mistake her surprise for her being afraid.
“There’s no need to be scared. Pavel organized this for Willow and—”
The moment I say Willow’s name, an annoyed grunt leaves her, and she rises from the bed. “I’m not scared,” she snaps, folding her arms across her chest.
She wears a dress, the low neckline exposing the tops of her luscious breasts. My mouth instantly waters, but I focus.
“Then why aren’t you packing?”
“Because you don’t speak to me for two days, and when you do, it’s to tell me to leave,” she replies, eyeing me angrily.
“You know why,” I reason. “It’s not safe for you here.”
She laughs, but it’s a sarcastic snicker. “Or don’t you mean I’m not welcome here anymore?”
“What?” I admonish. Even though this is what I wanted, it still hurts to hear her wounded this way because of me. “Of course, not.”
“Will you come with me?” she asks, challenging me because she knows the answer.
“No.” One simple word has never caused so much carnage.
“But you’ll stay here with her?”
“Ella—”
But she is a woman scorned as she comes charging over, standing on her toes, attempting to put us at eye level. She has a few inches to go.
“No, don’t Ella me,” she snaps, her dark, fruity scent amplified with her anger. “You’ve had your fun, but now that she’s back, I’m yesterday’s news. Is that it?”
“You’re being ridiculous,” I snap, my anger mounting.
My plan has worked a little too well, which saddens me because it was so easy for her to believe I don’t care about her. But that is the reason.
“Tell me you don’t still love her then,” she asks, her lower lip trembling in fury but also fear. “Tell me you don’t still want her.”
I don’t reply.
She heard my confession. This would be the time for me to explain, but I don’t. And my silence says it all.
Her fight deflates before me as tears sting her eyes. “Tell me you want me more than her,” she begs in a whisper, breaking me in two.
At this moment, her pain has me desperately searching for another way. I can’t hurt her this way, but if I die a martyr, she won’t move on. For her to forget about me, she has to hate me. It’s the only way she can live her life without the ghosts of what-ifs plaguing her every day.
I’ve never truly felt myself to be the villain…until now. “I cannot. I’m sorry.”
She tongues her cheek, shaking her head. I’ve just rejected her, which is what I promised I’d never do.
I watch as she reaches for her bag and begins ripping her garments from the hangers. She is holding back her tears—my strong, stubborn girl.
“Okay, fine, you want me gone, then I’ll go. But I’m not going back to America.”
Her admission has heat burning up my neck. “You have to,” I press, angered.
“I don’t have to do anything,” she argues, stuffing her bag with her belongings.
“Ella, goddammit! It’s not safe for you here. Why can’t you do what you’re told for once?” I bellow, tugging at my hair in frustration.
“Why do you care?” she defies, pausing from cramming her bag full. “Tell me!”
My body vibrates in anger, frustration and…admiration. She won’t give up, even if I appear to have done so.
She wants me to tell her that what I said, what I felt was real. That I don’t want her to leave because I want a future with her. That I want to see where this will lead.
But I can’t.
And it’s because I want and feel all those things that I turn around and leave.
A thud crashes against the door, hinting Ella threw something at it, probably wishing it was my head.
Sighing, I walk into the living room and collapse into the chair. Saint looks up from writing in a journal. Pavel pauses reading the paper.
“She won’t go,” I reveal, leaning my head back into the cushions.
“Did you really expect her to?” Saint says, shaking his head.
My mouth parts, as I have no idea what he means.
“Aleksei, for a smart man, you can sometimes be so dumb. That woman, God help her, is in love with you,” he casually states like we’re merely discussing the weather.
Pavel grins.
“In love?” I scoff, incredulous at his claim.
“Yes, you idiot. She won’t leave here because she thinks there’s still a chance for you two.”
“No offense, but I don’t want relationship advice from
you.”
“I don’t care what you want. I’m doing this for Zoey,” Saint snaps, closing his journal and setting it on his lap. “If you feel anything for her, you’ll let her go.”
“Just as you did with Willow?” I mock because he returned to her. In the end, they got their happily ever after.
“I tried, I fucking tried,” he defends, “but being without her, I may as well have died with Zoey.”
I give him the respect of keeping our eyes locked. It’s the least I can do.
“I traveled the world without her, looking for something to make this”—he tugs at his T-shirt, over his heart—“pain go away. But it never did. It only got worse, and that’s because her pain is mine. Mine is hers.
“So together, I shoulder her pain, and she shoulders mine.”
Their love is sickening, but in a way, I’m envious that out of every single being in this world, they found that love with each other.
Does Ella feel that way about me?
“I’ve tried to make her leave.”
Saint isn’t convinced. “Try harder.”
“How?” But there’s no need for me to ask. I know.
As does Saint.
“I will fucking kill you before you get within three feet of her.”
His threat isn’t empty, but he’s the one who suggested I try harder.
“Willow came to me, asking what our plans were with Serg.”
Saint clenches his jaw. “I know. She told me.”
“You know she won’t stay away either, unless—”
Saint leaps up from the chair, fists balled by his side. “If you’re proposing what I think you are, then you better come up with another plan, Popov.”
“Do you want her to really hate me?” I ask, keeping a level head. “I do this, then I die a martyr, and my ghost will haunt your relationship for the rest of your lives. But if I show her that I haven’t changed, that I’m still the Alek she once knew, then she will soon forget that she ever thought I had a heart.”
“I won’t lie to her,” Saint says, lowering his voice so she doesn’t hear.
Raising my hands in surrender, I nod. “Very well. Tell her the truth whenever you deem fit, but now, let her hate me so she lets me go. So they both let me go. Or are you afraid she’ll like it?”