Never before in her life had she been indulged or made a fuss of as she had been during her pregnancy. She enjoyed the experience intensely, greedily, savouring every delightful, astonishing moment. Now she could not bear to lose this special privileged treatment. Nor did she relish the idea of sharing Harding’s attention with a baby or any other living creature. She did not want the child. She only wanted her husband.
Anxiously she watched the drawing-room door for his return and when he entered she was startled as she always was by the sight of him. He had the effect of a thunderclap on her. The sight of his huge, muscular frame, his ugly broken nose, his sensual mouth, his hard eyes frightened and excited her all at the same time.
‘I told him to take my horse,’ he said. ‘It’s the fastest.’
Another pang gripped her and switched her concentration inwards to herself.
Harding said,
‘Come on, I’ll help you up to bed. Dorcas Judy’s coming, and Flemintina.’
She allowed him to ease her off the settee and lead her from the room and across the hall and up the stairs. She felt worried and apprehensive and she clung to him like a child. By the time they had reached the upstairs corridor, Flemintina was hastening after them and in the bedroom Harding said,
‘Undress Mistress Regina and put her to bed. Dorcas Judy should be here in a few minutes.’
‘Where are you going?’ Regina asked.
‘Back downstairs.’
‘Stay with me.’
‘This is no place for me now. The servants and the doctor will attend to you. You will be perfectly all right.’
‘I want a glass of whisky.’
‘You’d better wait and see if the midwife thinks it is safe for you to have one.’
‘Damn the midwife!’ A pain far worse than the other suddenly jarred through her, making her moan and stoop and grab on to Flemintina for support.
Harding went out and shut the door. With beads of sweat beginning to trickle down her face, she remained in her tense stooping position, listening to his heavy tread in the corridor, then on the stairs. There was a crash as the drawing-room door shut. Flemintina cautiously began undoing Regina’s gown. Regina resented the woman’s help. She had chosen never to have a body servant, preferring the privacy of her own bedroom and her own person, preferring too the independence of attending to personal tasks herself. But already the pains were exhausting her and taking her breath away and she had no choice but to allow Flemintina to peel off every garment until she was completely naked and vulnerable.
‘Hurry up with the nightgown,’ she managed in her usual sharp tone.
Then with a breathless, determined effort, she struggled into it by herself. Before she could reach the four-poster bed, however, a pain made her whimper. Flemintina tossed back the covers, then struggled to hoist her swollen body into the bed. What a relief it was eventually to collapse back against the pillows. Yet she only enjoyed a few minutes respite before another grinding contraction riveted her whole attention and energy. Then another and another. Sweat was pouring from her face now and her red hair had darkened with moisture and was rumpling and straggling about in disarray.
‘Where the hell is that bloody doctor?’
‘Westminster’s gone to fetch him, Miss Regina, but I don’t think he’ll have got there yet. It’s a long ride to the doctor’s house.’
‘I know how long it takes, damn you. But the doctor should have been here without being sent for. He ought to have known when I was to deliver. A lot of damn good he is.’
‘Yes, Miss Regina.’
‘Don’t just stand there,’ Regina was nearly weeping. ‘Do something, damn you!’
‘I don’ know what to do, Miss Regina.’
‘Go and see if the midwife is coming. Although what good that ignorant old witch can do me I don’t know.’
Left alone in the bedroom, she writhed about the big bed obsessed with the reality of her agony, yet praying at the same time that it was only a terrible nightmare from which she’d suddenly, mercifully escape.
The world had shrunk. It was contained in four wood-panelled walls. The only objects in the world were the wash-table, and the bowl and jug that stood on it, and the lowboy with the pier glass sitting on top, and the two tall candlesticks, one on either side, and the carved kist, and the chairs, and the bedside table with the elegantly curved legs and single drawer, and the clock on top and the other two tall candlesticks, one on either side.
The world shrunk tighter. Now there was nothing but immediate, urgent agony. Sweat blurred her eyes. She began to scream. She was vaguely conscious of the green and gold silk bedcurtains, then black faces and black bodies and black hands.
‘That’s right, you just push hard, honey,’ Dorcas Judy said.
Regina didn’t know what she was talking about and didn’t care. Her consciousness of pain had brought all her hatred of Harding rampaging back. It was his fault that she was suffering like this. He had caused her condition. His selfish lust had caused this incredible, never-ending torture. He had put her on the rack. He had trapped her in this torment while he sat downstairs. She was going mad with pain. He was coolly relaxing downstairs, enjoying his usual glass of whisky. Or he was sound asleep in bed. He was a bastard. She screamed her hatred. ‘Bastard! Bastard!’ she screamed until black hands caught her wildly thrashing face and squeezed over her mouth, all but choking her.
Until suddenly, mercifully, the agony stopped; washed away, soothed. She felt like a rag doll, without any bones, utterly exhausted. The relief was incredible. She wanted to do nothing but sleep, but first she summoned enough strength to ask,
‘Is he all right?’
‘’Tain’t a he,’ Dorcas Judy cackled. ‘It’s a she. As sweet a little gal as I ever did see.’
Regina closed her eyes.
‘Oh God!’
‘Look at her, Miss Regina,’ Flemintina pleaded. ‘Ain’t she pretty?’
‘Take her away. I want to sleep.’
‘But, Miss Regina …’
‘Do as you’re told.’ The icy voice dared any further contradiction and Flemintina carried the child from the room.
Dorcas Judy dried her hands on her apron.
‘Well, that’s everything cleaned and tidy for the doctor comin’.’
‘I don’t want the doctor or anyone in here for at least four hours. Tell Mr Harding that before you go.’
‘Yes, Miss Regina.’
The bedroom door opened then closed leaving silence. But outside the birds had begun their dawn chorus. She tried to think of how Harding would take the news of having a daughter instead of a son. She struggled to think of what would happen and of what she must now do. But she was too fatigued. Her mind kept drifting further and further away from her body until at last she succumbed to the luxury of complete unconsciousness.
When she awoke, she did not immediately remember what had happened. At first she hazily imagined that it was just another day of physical discomfort when she would have to drag her swollen body about. Then it dawned on her that she was back to her slim healthy shapely self again and a wave of sheer joy and gratitude washed over her. Until suddenly she remembered that her nine months of discomfort, culminating in the hours of torment of the previous night, had all been for nothing. She had not given Harding a son.
Fear alternated with fountains of panic. Somehow the fact that she was now his legal wife did not make her feel as secure and safe as she had always imagined it would. She still had fears of being discarded and left homeless and hungry and at everyone’s mercy. It was as if inside she was still and always would be the child who had come home to Tannery Wynd from school one day to find no one there and the door locked against her. She was still wandering the streets belonging to no one and with nowhere to go.
She lay in limbo in the big four-poster bed, her hair flowing down over her shoulders like a burnished copper shawl until Flemintina came with the doctor, who examined her and cheerfully told her that
she was perfectly all right and she was very fortunate to have had such an easy birth. Never before in her life had she hated men more than she did at that moment. She was barely civil to him and left him in no doubt that she had not the slightest desire to carry on any social conversation.
After he’d gone, she instructed Flemintina to bring her breakfast and she had barely finished some boiled milk when Harding appeared.
‘How are you?’ he inquired.
‘Completely recovered.’
‘I hear that you have refused to look at the child.’
‘It is not a son.’
He sighed.
‘I cannot deny I am keenly disappointed. But no doubt you will be able to have other children.’
She could hardly credit that he could talk of putting her through the dreadful experience a second time before she had even recovered from the first. She had always thought he was an insensitive brute and this proved it. But before she could make some scathing reply, he added with a smile,
‘And I must say I am rather catched by my daughter.’
‘Really?’ she said trying to sound cool but her heart giving a flutter of interest.
‘I think she looks rather like me.’
‘Then God help her, sir.’
He laughed.
‘You have indeed made a speedy recovery, mistress. Do you wish to see the little madam now?’
She shrugged. ‘I suppose I might as well.’
He jerked his head at Flemintina who hurried away to fetch the child.
‘What shall we call her?’ he asked when the slave returned nursing and cooing and grinning delightedly down at the small bundle she was carrying.
‘I swear she’s the cleverest infant I ever did see, Miss Regina. She’s smiling at me. Yes, you are, you are so. You’re the cleverest little, prettiest …’
‘Oh, stop drooling like an idiot and give the child to me,’ Regina snapped.
Once the little girl was in her arms she stared curiously down at her. The tiny red face looked as ugly as sin. She couldn’t imagine how anyone could truthfully call it pretty.
‘I’ve no idea what her name should be,’ she said.
‘My mother’s name was Charlotte.’
‘Charlotte,’ Regina repeated. ‘Charlotte Harding, I suppose that’s as good as anything. It’ll do. Do you know, I believe she does look like you.’
Just then Charlotte opened her mouth and began to howl and cry in no uncertain manner. Regina could not help laughing and Harding laughed too.
‘Look at her waving her fist,’ he said in a voice incredulous with pride. ‘That surely is clever for a newborn infant and spirited too.’
‘Yes, sir, Master Harding. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with her lungs neither,’ Flemintina giggled. ‘That Lottie, she’s goin’ to be a determined gal. She’s hungry an’ she’s yellin’ like mad so’s we has to do something about it.’
‘Lottie.’ Harding savoured the word. ‘Yes, we can call her Lottie among ourselves.’
He leaned over the bed and poked a finger at the infant.
‘Welcome to Forest Hall, Lottie Harding.’ The child’s tiny fist curled round the man’s finger and he cried out, ‘Look at that, Flemintina!’
And the servant screeched with delighted laughter.
Regina rolled her eyes.
‘Lord’s sake!’
She wasn’t quite sure what her reactions were to this new situation. Still feeling weak and harrowed after the trauma of the birth, she needed more time to settle herself down, to be on her own and to think.
‘Dorcas Judy is waiting outside to help you with the feeding,’ Harding told Regina, never taking his eyes off Lottie. ‘I’ll send her in.’
Reluctantly he eased his finger from the baby’s hand and straightened up.
‘I don’t need her,’ Regina protested. ‘I had enough of her last night.’
‘She has experience in these things. She’ll know everything that should be done and the best way that everything should be done for the child’s benefit.’
Depression seeped into Regina’s veins weighing her down, tiring her. She leaned back on her pillows and closed her eyes.
‘What’s wrong?’ Harding asked.
She sighed.
‘I don’t know. I feel low in spirits and my head aches.’
‘I want no more of your tantrums, mistress. You have a child to look after now. It’s time you stopped behaving like one.’
A spring of fury surged up inside Regina but it found her too feeble to continue its impetus. Tears of frustration welled up and overflowed down her face.
‘Christ!’ Harding aimed the word like a bullet at her before turning to Flemintina.
‘I’m away for a ride round the plantation with the doctor. I hold you responsible for my daughter. See that she is properly cared for. If by any mischance the doctor is needed, send a rider after us immediately.’
‘Yes, Master Harding, sir.’
Regina could not believe it when she heard him leaving, or that he had spoken to her so abruptly. She had become accustomed to being kindly treated during the past nine months. Broken-hearted sobs began to jerk from her until she abandoned herself to feeble hysteria. The child in her arms was still screaming and, unable to bear the added burden, she pushed it helplessly away.
‘Miss Regina!’ Flemintina sounded shocked as she scooped the infant up into her arms. Then she showered the wrinkled red face with kisses. ‘What’s your mammy doin’ to you? Aw, you poor little thing. But don’t you worry none. You’re goin’ to be all right. Your Flemintina’s here.’
Dorcas Judy came bustling and cackling into the room then.
‘Land’s sake, ain’t she something though?’
‘Name’s Lottie,’ Flemintina said. ‘Never seen Master so pleased with anything before. And he’s told me to look after her.’
‘Kissin’ and cuddlin’ ain’t what that little missy needs right now. It’s sucklin’.’ She gave one of her shrieks of laughter. Then arms akimbo she viewed Regina. ‘Come on now, Miss Regina. No need for you to be carryin’ on so.’
‘Go away and leave me alone.’
‘Your goin’ to be fine, just fine.’
‘What are you doing?’ Regina knew she could not cope with anything else but she made a desperate attempt to find enough strength to push away the hands that were now unfastening her nightgown. ‘Leave me alone!’ In horror she watched the two women bare her, then fasten the child’s mouth over one of her breasts.
Greedily, hard gums clamped on her and drained away what strength she had left. She had not even enough energy to hate the two women for humiliating her, for standing over her gawping at her nakedness and her helplessness. But she vowed that when she had her strength back, when she was herself again, when she was safely hidden and contained inside, she would make them pay. She would make Harding pay too. She would not forget or forgive any of them. As for the child, she had no feelings for it at all. She wanted to swot it away as she would a fly or a leech. She shrank away from it inside. She did not know how to cope with the anguish, humiliation and vulnerability it was making her suffer. She just wanted to be free of it. Stiffening back against the pillows, she closed her eyes.
‘Now, Miss Regina,’ Dorcas Judy scolded. ‘You behave yourself. ’Tain’t doin’ poor Lottie or yourself any good actin’ like this.’
‘How dare you!’ she said. ‘How dare you!’ But tears spilled over again, making a weak fool of her, taking away from her authority.
All she could do was pray for the nightmare to end soon and when it did and she was at last alone in the room, she wept all the more. But gradually the quietness and the blessed privacy soothed her and she lay without moving, just staring at the window curtains gently billowing and puffing in the breeze. A hiss of rain clouded the windows and made her think of Harding and the doctor out riding. She wondered with a pang of apprehension if Harding was wearing his heavy triple-caped riding coat and three-cornered hat to prote
ct him from the elements. A vivid picture of him took possession of her mind, his heavy body like some giant pugilist jerking to the horse’s rhythm.
She tried to blot out the picture. She tried to sleep but the image of Harding stayed in vivid sensuous colour in her mind as if it was part of her and nothing she could do would ever fade it away.
Remembering the scene earlier during his visit, she felt hurt that he had not displayed the slightest tenderness and affection towards her, far less pride. All his pride and love had been concentrated on his daughter. He had shown only cruelty and insensitivity to his wife. Indeed, he had insulted her, and in front of the servants. She would remember that. For that he would be sorry.
When the doctor came back to see her she told him that she did not feel strong enough to feed the baby. He tried to be jovial and hearty.
‘Nonsense, my dear. You are as strong and healthy a young filly as I’ve ever had the good fortune to come across. Strong and healthy, I say.’
She withered him with a look of icy disdain.
‘I do not care what you say, sir. I say I do not feel strong enough to feed the child and it is what I say that matters.’
‘But … but my dear Mistress Harding, you are only … what? … twenty-four or twenty-five. That is nothing nowadays. Why I know of women who are feeding infants at forty. Really I do.’
‘The misfortunes of your other patients do not concern me. I am only concerned about myself. Will you arrange for a wet nurse? Or must I depend on the midwife or some other servant to do what is necessary for my well-being?’
‘Oh, very well,’ the doctor muttered in sudden pique. ‘But Mr Harding is not going to be pleased, truly he is not.’
She was sick of the sight of the useless creature. Even Dorcas Judy commanded more of her respect than him. She was glad when eventually, next day, she was finished with him and he with her and he decided it was time to terminate his visit. She did not thank him when he took his leave and Harding remarked on this later.
The Tobacco Lords Trilogy Page 76