“I feel lost,” I said in a small voice. “Swallowed up, as if I’ve been playing a part for so long to make everyone happy that I no longer know who I am. It feels that I’ve awakened from some long nightmare. I’m frightening my husband and myself because usually I keep the peace. How does the peacemaker repair the damage she’s caused?”
“Sometimes there are things that shouldn’t be repaired. Sometimes you have to let things go and start over again.”
“If you believe everything you say, that I’m your mother in a previous life and Chance is your father from that same lifetime, couldn’t you perhaps be just a little biased?”
We both laughed then. “Yeah, I suppose you could be right,” Blaine admitted. “It seems like such a romantic story to have the two of you find each other again, that maybe I did get a little carried away.”
I looked at my watch. “I have to go. I have clients I have to see.” Blaine stood.
“Will I see you again?” he asked.
“You can count on it. I want to hear all about your life. But I do have to run now.” I glanced quickly at him. There was something so familiar in his eyes. “I want to give you a hug.”
“Then why don’t you?” he teased, knowing I was still afraid of touching him.
“Maybe next time. I’ll remember to wear rubber, that should insulate me.” I stood, smiling at the tall man who’d given me so much just by listening to me and not judging. “Thanks, Blaine. It was nice talking to you. If you’d like to bill me for this…”
He stopped me. “Thanks for coming, Michelle. Please come back soon.”
As I drove away from Blaine’s office I couldn’t help smiling. Only death would prevent me from seeing him again and again and…
Chapter Eleven
My soul had taken wings. With each step I took I could feel the cleansing release. I sailed through my appointments, not minding for once the nurses that kept me waiting, welding the power they possessed, cajoling more supplies from me than I should have given.
It didn’t matter. I gave it all joyfully, for joy was the only emotion left within me. That and a great need to share that joy with the one person that would understand. I wanted to share this with Chance.
My last call finished, I sat in my car talking myself out of just driving to his office. I wondered if I was still bound by my words to Larry. I’d told him and Chance that it was over. Now the need to connect with Chance gnawed away at me like a deep hunger. There was only one thing that would abate the intense craving.
Retrieving my cell phone from my purse, I rapidly punched in Chance’s office number and asked for him before my courage failed me. I heard his muffled voice before he spoke into the receiver.
“Hello.”
“Hello, Chance. How are you?”
“Dimi? Dimi, is that you?”
“It’s not Dimi, Chance. It’s plain old me, Michelle.” I clutched the phone to my cheek, my heart feeling as if it would burst from my chest at any moment. I missed him. The sound of his voice, the touch of his caress, his love. I remembered and I missed his love the most.
“Why are you calling, Michelle?”
His voice was cold yet I detected no anger. “Are you upset with me, Chance? Did I catch you at a bad time?”
“You can’t keep doing this, Michelle. You’re killing me.”
“Doing what?”
“Dropping in and out of my life. I don’t think I can take much more.”
I heard a long sigh from the other end of the phone, his voice stilled by sadness. I shivered, my mouth opening voluntarily as if to capture Chance’s pain in my body.
“Would you like for me to hang up?”
“Everything in me is demanding that I say yes, tell you never to call me again. God help me, I can’t. I’ve been so damn worried about you, nothing, not a word, for two months, not one word. How could you do that to me?”
“I didn’t know you were going to be worried.”
“How could you not know that? You were going back to your husband. We both knew you were going to tell him that you’d been with me. I tried everything to find you. I had to know that you were safe. I’ve never been so afraid and felt so helpless in my entire life.”
His voice broke on a sob, wrenching my heart in two. This was not the reason for my call. I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to feel his pain. I only wanted to share my joy with the one person who would understand. I searched my mind frantically for something, anything, to lighten the dark mood.
“So that’s why you called my boss?” I asked at last.
“Of course. Why else would I do it? I had no way to reach you. I thought this would make you call me even if you were angry.” He paused. “I was wrong. You sent a damn cavalcade of drugs and still not a word.”
“I was trying hard to work on my marriage, Chance. I couldn’t do that and keep seeing you at the same time. Larry would never stand a chance. Too much has happened between us. You have my husband at an unfair advantage. I had to even the odds.”
“And have you?”
“Have I what?”
“Have you repaired your marriage?”
“For a short time last night, I thought I had. Then it all fell apart again.”
“Is that why you’re calling me, you’re angry at Larry and I’m the one you run to, to soothe your bruised spirit?”
“Chance, I thought you said you would be my friend.” I squeezed my eyes shut, doing my best to keep my own pain inside. I would not use tears against Chance. “I just need a friend. I’m sorry I called. I won’t do it again.”
A split second before I severed the call I heard Chance call my name. The mournful sound stopped my fingers.
“Michelle, why are you in such desperate need of a friend?”
“I have wonderful news and you’re the only one I can share it with.” The excitement was bubbling up in my throat, pushing away the pain of only a moment before. I knew he would allow me to share my joy with him.
“I went to see Blaine MaDia. Oh my God, Chance. It was wonderful.” I was all but gushing now. “He’s so nice. He talked to me for the longest time, and guess what? He didn’t even charge me. He didn’t want my money. Can you believe that?” I laughed. “Chance, he’s not a fake. I know he’s not.”
“I thought you were afraid of him, that you never wanted to mention his name again.”
“I know, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking of him. I had to go see him again.”
“You went to see him, but you didn’t think to contact me?”
“Chance, Blaine poses no threat to my life. Besides, I only got up the nerve to do it today. It’s still today,” I tried to placate Chance. “You’re the only person I wanted to share this with.
“Chance, stop pouting for a minute and listen to me. Blaine was wonderful. I felt this energy surrounding him. The connection I felt this time was much stronger than before. You would like him. I know you would.”
“You’re right. I do.”
I stopped then, my joy dying a slow death in my chest, turning my joy into ashes within my spirit. “Are you saying you’ve been back to see him.”
“Yes.”
“And you told him about me? What a fool I was. I believed him.”
I heard Chance shushing me. “Calm down, Michelle,” he said. “Blaine didn’t ask revealing questions about you. He refused to allow me to tell him anything. He said you were going to come and see him and he wanted there to be no doubt in your mind about whether I had supplied the answers.”
I needed badly to believe Chance’s words. Still, the seed of doubt Larry had planted earlier reared its ugly head. “You wouldn’t lie to me about something this important, would you?”
“I would never lie to you about anything, important or not,” Chance answered, sounding slightly miffed.
“I’m sorry for saying that. I know that you wouldn’t lie to me… It’s just…I haven’t felt this good in a long time.” I stopped to think about it.
“I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this way. I don’t know, Chance, just talking to Blaine seems to have freed me somehow. Did you feel like that when you saw him?”
“No.” Chance laughed. “I went there to knock his block off. I thought it was because of him that you were too afraid to even think of a future for us.”
“You didn’t hit him or anything, did you?”
“No, I wanted to and he knew it. He did nothing to stop me. He sort of sat there looking at me with a smile on his face. He told me if it would make me feel better to hit him, to go ahead.
“He asked me where my wife was and if you were coming to see him. I told him no. I never told him we weren’t married. He said to me, ‘I’m glad to see the two of you were able to find each other again.’
I heard the change in the tone of Chance’s voice. “He called me Jeremy. He thinks that’s my name. How could I want to hit him then?”
“Did he touch you?” I held my breath in anxious anticipation.
“Yes, but nothing happened, if that’s what you’re asking me. He was hoping it would happen with me. Actually, so was I.” I heard his disappointment in the words he didn’t say.
“How many times have you seen him?”
“I’ve been seeing him every week, sometimes two or three times a week. He’s been to the house several times.
“If he thought we were married, didn’t he ever wonder why I wasn’t there?”
“The first time he was there he said, ‘She’s not here, is she?’ I answered, no, she’s not. Then he said, ‘She doesn’t want anything to do with me.’ He had a sad look on his face. I felt sorry for him, so I told him that you were afraid of him.
“That was enough to satisfy his curiosity?”
“That coupled with the fact that he could feel your energy there. So he didn’t question me further on it. He never came uninvited. I assume he thought you left home for his visits.”
“Chance, didn’t you find it strange to have him there? I mean…none of this bothered you at all about his being there?” I shook my head to clear my thoughts. “Chance, his saying he’s our son, that didn’t disturb you?”
“No. I enjoyed his visits. In fact he reminded me of you on your first visit. He felt the energy also. He actually sat in the rocker and cried.”
“Oh Chance, what did you do when he cried?” My heart was breaking for the young man who had become entangled in my life, but his presence I felt as a blessing not a burden.
“I left the room,” Chance said in answer to my question. “I let him cry in peace. When I came back we both pretended nothing was wrong.”
I found myself laughing. Here Chance was telling me of Blaine’s tears and I was laughing. “You men are so strange. You can deal with the tears of a woman, but let a man cry and you fall to pieces.”
We laughed together for a few minutes. I knew eventually we would get around to more serious matters. But for now this felt good. This connection with the other man in my life was what I needed in this moment. Too soon I heard the shift in Chance’s voice.
“I want to see you, Dimi.”
“Michelle, Chance.”
“No. Dimi loves me. This Michelle’s too afraid to say who she loves. She stays in a marriage out of guilt and commitment.
“I want to see the woman who lay in my bed for two weeks. The woman whose most secret taste haunts my tongue. I want to see the woman I love. I want to see Dimi.”
“Are you saying you don’t love me as Michelle?”
“I would love you, if you were Mike, as long as you loved me too. But it seems too hard for you to do that, so I want the woman you pretended to be. She had no problem loving me.”
“You know I can’t, Chance.”
“So what am I supposed to do, wait around another two months until you become sad or filled with pain? Or when you have something you can’t share with anyone but me? Is that what you want me to do, Michelle, feast on the crumbs from your table, take whatever Larry leaves and say nothing?”
“I thought we were okay.”
“Why? Because you distracted me by talking about Blaine? It worked for a moment. But seeing him is no substitute for my loving you. There is only one thing, one person who will satisfy that particular craving. It’s you.”
“Chance, don’t.”
“Don’t what? Tell you how much I love you, how much I want you? Michelle, I’m no different from Larry. I need you. Tell me you don’t need me, need my love and I’ll let this drop.”
“I told you I needed a friend.”
“Michelle, you’re evading the question. Tell me you don’t love me and I will never try and be anything to you but a friend. Tell me that.”
He knew as well as I did that I would never be able to tell him that. I did love him. I loved him with an intensity I couldn’t describe, and he was right. I was committed to Larry. I’d made promises to myself, to him. As disappointed as I was with Larry I didn’t want to leave him. I wanted to love him. I wanted to feel this all-encompassing love I felt for Chance, for my husband. I sighed loudly, wanting Chance to hear me, but also wanting the cleansing breath that sighing provides on occasion.
“Chance, I called you because I was happy. I wanted to share that with you. Please don’t take that feeling away from me. I don’t want to fight. If you do, let’s continue this when I’m down and depressed.”
To my amazement, he started laughing. Then I started laughing. “Dimi, I love you,” Chance said.
“I love you too.” I answered him. Why not say it? He knew it and so did I.
“Will you call me again?”
“I will,” I promised as I said goodbye and ended the call. If only I could be two people, Dimi the woman who loved Chance, and Michelle, the woman who loved Larry.
I turned into my drive and waited a moment. I thought I would have at the very least pangs of guilt for having called Chance. I didn’t.
I was riding high, elated because I’d done what I wanted. I’d talked to two men, who, regardless of what anyone believed, had a place in my life and in my heart. I wouldn’t flaunt it, but then again neither would I deny it to myself.
Screams of Mindy and little Larry greeted me as I opened the door. I walked in, looked at the mess the horrific twosome had made of my home, and made another decision.
“Mindy, Lars,” I yelled above the din of their shrill baby voices. “Would you two like to go to the park with Grandma?”
The house became so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Mindy eyed me suspiciously, refusing to answer. Little Larry or Lars, as I called him, looked to his sister for guidance.
“Why would you want to take them to the park, Mother?” Erica voiced her suspicions out loud, her voice sarcastic. I swiveled my head around my destroyed home and leveled my daughter with a look before answering her.
“Because I think they need more space to play. Outdoors in the park sounds like a good solution to me.”
Erica’s mouth was hanging slightly open. I laughed in amusement. I saw the fear enter her eyes as I continued to laugh.
“Really, Erica, I’m not going to kill them. “Lars, Mindy, go grab your jackets. Maybe you should both go potty,” I called after them. “Remember to wash your hands.”
I turned to see Larry coming toward me. He was eyeing me in an almost identical fashion as our daughter. He attempted to pull me away from Erica’s hearing.
“What’s this about, Mick? You’ve never done anything with the grandkids.”
I thought about it. He was right. “Maybe it’s time I start doing something constructive to keep them from destroying our home. I can’t think of a better way to do that than take them to play in the park. Can you?” I challenged.
“Let me get a sweater, I’ll join you.”
“No, Larry, you stay here. This is for me. I’m not doing it for you.”
“It’s just the park.”
“I know.”
“What are you planning? Why don’t you want me to come
?”
“Do you think it might have anything do to with the fact that we haven’t resolved our argument? And maybe, just maybe, I’m not ready to share this with you. For God’s Sake, Larry, I don’t have any sinister plans. I’m not going to murder them or run away with them, so just relax and stay here with Erica.”
I looked away, then back, not able to resist just one little dig. “You didn’t want to be with me last night, why now?”
The kids ran up to me before Larry had a chance to answer. “We’re ready,” they screamed in unison.
“Then let’s go,” I answered them in my bad imitation of their sing-song voices.
The door had almost closed behind us when Erica whipped it open and looked at me, curiosity getting the better of her. “Mother, will you be back in time to make dinner?” she asked.
“No, I don’t think so. I’ll treat the kids to dinner out. Why don’t you make dinner for your father and yourself?”
The look on her face was so amusing that I leaned over and kissed her, the shock on her face making me regret not having done it sooner.
My eyes connected with Larry as my lips caressed Erica’s cheeks. He looked so frightened and alone that I started to tell him to join me. In fact, I opened my mouth to do just that, surprised at the words that came out instead of what I’d intended.
“Erica, while I’m gone this will give you more than enough time to return my home to the condition you found it when you came last night.”
I ushered Mindy and Lars into Larry’s car and the car seats he had already put in. Once they were safely buckled in, we waved goodbye to Erica and Larry. They both wore puzzled expression and their looks amused me.
THE AFFAIR Page 18