by Nicky Fox
I zone out and think back to how I spent the holidays, all alone. Of course, Evie was with my mom and me. My mother was also grieving for my father. Even though they were divorced, I knew she still loved him. The funeral was tough for both of us. She had a brave face and made sure to celebrate the holidays and not let me wallow. I don't know what I'd do without them. When you lose someone close to you, you figure out fast who loves you. Evie's been a real life saver. I don't know what I'd do without her. She kept me going, getting me coffee, telling me to paint and shower, to eat. My mother was fussing over me, making sure I had everything I needed. I know they're both worried about me. It was hard dealing with the holidays after such heartbreak and grief. It never even occurred to me that my dad could die. He always seemed so invincible. He was a hotshot lawyer on the top of his game. I can't remember the last time I had called him. Guilt riddles me a bit these days. The only comfort I have is knowing he wasn't alone when he died. I was right there next to him.
Even though I'm still pissed at Hunter, I still miss him too. It's difficult being so close to someone and yet so far away. Seeing his truck drive down the road, passing by his house on the way to town. I had to put up all the paintings with him in it. I have his paintings he commissioned finished but haven't dropped them off yet. I don't know when I can face him again. I've done an excellent job of avoiding him. He hasn't made much of an effort to contact me. He's probably moved on already. He didn't give that much of a fight, which only cements further that he didn't care about me.
Evie's been great. I feel sorry for her. I'm such a "Debbie Downer." I've made it my mission this week to be in better spirits. I'm tired of bringing everyone down. My father's death was a huge blow. It made me think of my life in a different light. I didn't get as much time with him as I thought. I feel cheated. I didn't get to tell him all the things I wanted to. He kept telling me he was fine and not to fuss. Then he had another stroke in the hospital. They couldn't save him.
"Are you listening, Lenora?" I look over at my best friend.
"Yeah, I'm looking forward to spring too." I don't mention that it'll be the first spring without my dad. Hunter will probably be busy next door. These days I try not to think about him, but he seems to have planted himself in the crevasses of my brain. Thankfully, he only came by the house a few times. Evie shooed him away.
The smallest things remind me of Hunter. I'll be at the grocery store and see a black Stetson in my peripheral vision. I'll start hyperventilating, stomach twisting with worry. That happened a week after our breakup. I almost broke down in the store. He broke my heart. I just didn't matter enough to him.
I know Evie thinks I'm hanging on by a thread. She's getting me to try new things like this book club Maggie told us to join. It's a little torturous. We talk of love and romance. It takes everything I have not to cry. Maggie's a bit of fresh air, though. She can always make me smile by saying the most inappropriate things. She drives Mrs. Lock crazy. It's fun to watch. I’d go just to see them interact.
"All right, Bookends! We will convene next week for "The Stranger's Kiss." Happy reading!" Mrs. Lock dismisses us. Gosh, this is the cheesiest book club ever. I give Evie and Maggie a death glare. They just smile at me. Evie knows this is killing me. She pinches my side as we grab our coats and head out of the bookstore. We say our goodbye to Maggie and promise to stop by the salon soon. I climb into Evie's little silver Honda and warm my hands near the air vents.
"So, where to now, girlie? I'm starving. You want to go to Shirley's?" I immediately tense up and look out the passenger window. I miss that place. I miss being with Hunter there, but I need to make new memories there with my best friend. I shouldn't have to avoid places I like, for fear he might be there. I turn my head and give Evie the best smile I can manage and nod. "Great! I've wanted to check out that place."
Evie doesn't know that that's where Hunter and I had our first date. I don't want to make her feel guilty or deprive her of experiencing that nifty place. I try and clear my head as we make our way to the diner. All too soon, I see that neon sign blinking. Oddly enough, it makes me smile.
We get out into the cold. Evie pushes the diner door open, letting a gust of wind come in with us. I pull off my wool hat and glance around. It looks the same. It's a comfort really when everything else seems like it's changed. The old jukebox is playing the song "Stand By Me." While I remove my gloves, I feel eyes on me. I look around the booths and land on a pair of familiar blue eyes, Hunter's. I freeze.
There's an array of emotions that cross his face. Surprise, sadness, regret, hope? I don't know if I'm reading him right, but I look at the person sitting across from him. It's the brunette realtor. Her head is twisted around to see what has caught Hunter's attention. I see movement. Hunter starts to rise out of his seat.
I turn to Evie with frightened eyes, and she reads the situation immediately, leading me out of the diner. She opens the car door for me. As she closes her door, I hear Hunter call my name. I look down at my hands as the tears run down my face. I feel the car moving. Evie is quiet all the way to the house. She helps me out of the car when we get home. She takes me into my room and tucks me in bed.
Now, I feel like I'm at square one again. I cry until I fall asleep. I wake up to Evie brushing my hair out of my face. "It's time to eat something, sweetie. I brought you some chicken soup." I sit up and hastily eat it. Evie soothes me with kind words about how I dealt with the situation and how she couldn't be kind enough to walk away from him. She would have kicked him in the balls, which I know she only said to make me smile.
"It's okay, Evie. It's the first time I've seen him since, well… I think I've dealt with it. I'm ok now. I think I'm ready to paint again." I sit up and move my tray of chicken soup out of the way and head to my studio. I need this time to work this through on my canvas.
The brush strokes come out fierce and furious. Soon, I have a complete painting. I start on another piece, and then before I know it I have three completed. The spell is broken. I can paint again. They aren't the beautiful landscapes I'm usually known for, but there's emotion in it. The sadness I feel for my dad and the anger I feel for Hunter. It's all there. There are rough, dark strokes all over the canvases. It's in moody colors like navy and gray.
"I love to watch you paint, Lenora." Evie is leaning against the doorframe. I smile at her and wipe my hands on my dishrag.
"Thanks, Evie. I couldn't have done any of this without you. You're the bestest friend I could ever ask for." I walk over and embrace her. We hug it out for a while. I wish we could go somewhere where I'm not reminded of Hunter everywhere I turn. I perk up. "We should take a trip somewhere. Have a girl's vacay!" It's the first idea I've been excited about in months.
Evie claps her hands. "Yes, this is just what we need. I have some days I can use. I've got a chunk of change saved since you're letting me stay here. Where do you feel like going?"
Only one place comes to mind…Mexico. It's inexpensive, a short plane ride from Texas and far enough from a certain cowboy. I can relax for a while on a beautiful beach. Evie has a big grin on her face.
"Perfect."
The door dings to a customer coming in the diner. I glance up and my breath hitches. It's my pin-up girl. Lenora. She's here. I haven't seen her in months. Her gorgeous green eyes are surveying the diner. She hasn't seen me yet. I'm glad. I look her over and notice she looks like she's lost some weight. The warm glow of summer is gone from her face. She's pale, but still just as beautiful. Her eyes land on me. There's a hint of shock across her face.
I have this inherent need to get to her, to talk to her, explain. Looking back, it wasn't a good enough reason. I royally fucked up. I made the wrong decision. I can't take it back. I have to live with my mistake. If I could do it all over again, I'd go with her to Austin in a heartbeat. I'd console her during the funeral, kiss her tears away. I wouldn't have let her deal with all of that alone.
I see the instant Lee recognizes Vivian. There's heartbreak acr
oss her face. It's breaking my resolve to talk to her. I have to get to her. I rise out of my chair just as she looks to Evie for help. Evie glances my way and moves Lenora to the door. I rush out just in time to see their car leave. I call her name hoping she hears the anguish in my voice.
I hang my head and push my fists in the pockets of my jeans. I shuffle back inside. Vivian is frowning while turning her coffee cup in front of her on the table. I slide in the booth and lay my hands on the table in front of me.
"I'm sorry, Hunter." I can tell Vivian feels guilty for what just happened, but it's not her fault. I tell her this much. She just shakes her head. "Maybe I can talk to her?"
"No, did you see the look on her face, Viv? God, I never want to see that again." Slouching in my chair, I lay my head back.
"Well, we are all done here." She smiles, catching the double meaning. She closes her messenger bag with the paperwork in it. "If there's anything else they need, I'll let you know. But you should be all ready to go. Congratulations"
I extend my hand out to her. "Thanks, Viv, I appreciate everything you've done for me. It's nice to know I have a good friend in you." We shake hands.
"You take care of yourself, you hear?" I smile and get up to leave.
The whole drive home I think about Lenora's sweet face with that heartbroken look that’s been haunting me. I'd do anything to remove that look from her face. I wish I could kiss it away, touch her. God, just to touch her again. I've seen that look in the mirror every morning when I wake up. But when it's my reflection it's not as upsetting. I deserve it. There must be some way for me to make it up to her. Show her how much I love her. I made a mistake. I don't know how to make it right.
Ever since I've met Lenora, my dreams have been of her. When we were dating all my dreams were pretty explicit. But now, they're all of her smiling face. It's almost like she's beckoning me, like a siren's call through my subconscious. I know she's it for me. Grandpa would be kicking my ass if he knew I let her go this easily.
I think about that night we made love by the fire on the sheepskin rug. She was laying on top of me with my hat on her head. She was happy just to have my hat on her. I'd give anything to have that moment again, to make her smile again.
Mexico is amazing. I'm lying on my lounger relaxing. I already have some color on my skin. I don't look like death anymore. This vacation is what I needed; beach, trees, waves and a tan. Still, I can't help but think about Hunter. Seeing him at the diner brings back all the decent memories of him. Memories before he withdrew from me, and didn't support me in my time of need.
At least I'm not crying anymore. I'm still heartbroken on a beach in Mexico, though. I thought we were in love. There were extreme feelings there. It was like he didn't care for me at all. I was nothing to him. My whole body still aches for him. Does he think about me? When he's lying in bed at night, do I cross his mind? I send a silent prayer every night that my love will wean.
I'm still furious with him. He must be dating that realtor now. She's pretty, too. It was hard seeing him on a date with someone else. She gave me a sad look too, as if she knew I was his ex-girlfriend. God, I must’ve looked so pathetic.
I roll over on my lounger to tan my backside. Evie is lying next to me reading a book. "Are you still thinking about your father, sweetie?"
"No. I'm thinking about Hunter. Do you think he's dating that girl from the diner?" I shade my eyes with my hand and look at her reaction.
"Thinking about Hunter, huh? I don't know. I know you miss him. I hope he's not with that brunette. I'm still hoping he'll get his head out of his ass and make it up to you." She closes her book and turns over to tan her backside.
"I don't think he can make it up to me, Evie. How can you forgive someone who's supposed to love you for not being there when your parent dies? He just wanted to stay at his farm, Evie. I don't think he cares about anything else." I close my eyes against the glaring sun.
"I'm sorry, sweetie. I don't know what to tell you."
"I know, Evie, me too."
She can tell I'm deep in thought. Like the great friend she is, she lets me work it through myself. I try to free my mind of Hunter and decide I'm going to enjoy the rest of this trip to the fullest. I know my father would want that for me. I still miss him every day.
We spent the first two days in Veracruz, a gorgeous coastal city. Today we are in the heart of Mexico, Mexico City. There is a mecca of ancient buildings and architecture. It makes me want to paint. Luckily, I've brought a small watercolor set and paper. I'm alone for a little while since Evie wants to take a nap.
I stroll through the main square the locals call Zócalo. It's gorgeous with its historical buildings dating back to the conquistadors. I'm a sucker for history. I find a quiet bench. I take out my paints and get to work. I brought a bottle of water with me to work the watercolors. It doesn't take me long to start with an image of how I want the painting. This town has so much beauty. It's hard not to be inspired.
I'm adding the last touches on my painting when a shadow comes across my paper. I look up to find a very stylish, petite woman looking over my shoulder. "Hermosa."
"Oh, hello." I smile at her. She seems friendly, smiling sweetly at my painting.
"Excuse me. Your painting is beautiful." She gestures to my paper.
"Gracias." That was one of the only things I learned in Spanish class, pitiful. I stand up to gather my things as she watches me.
"Are you a painter?" Her arms cross as she studies me.
"Umm, yes I am." I pause, holding my painting securely in my grasp.
"I would be interested to see more of your work. I represent Proyectos Monclova. Have you heard of our gallery?" She digs into her purse presenting me with her card of the studio's name and address.
I accept the card. "No, I'm sorry I have not."
"Well, come see our exhibit we have on display. We are looking for more watercolor artists to showcase." With that, she turns on her heel and walks away toward the bustle of the city center.
I rush back to our hotel and tell Evie about my encounter with the lovely curator. Evie looks up the gallery on the laptop she brought. We're both flabbergasted to find out it's world-renowned. My jaw hits the floor. This opportunity is significant. I call the gallery and make an appointment for the next day.
After a good night's rest, I gather up some of the art I've done over the trip. Evie and I make our way to the gallery. When we arrive at the white building, it doesn't look like much from the outside. We push inside the glass doors and are taken back by the modern space. The petite woman, I now know as Angelica greets me.
"You came. I'm glad." She gives me an air kiss, and I smile. "Do you have your portfolio?" I hand my pieces over to her. She opens it and glances at them excitedly. Evie and I just stare around at all the gorgeous art work. "How long are you in town for?"
"Oh, we leave tomorrow." I frown at the prospect of going back to my life living next door to Hunter Westley.
"Okay, give me the name of your hotel, and I'll contact you. We'll work something out. From what I've seen we might be requesting more of your art, Lenora. You have a delicate hand and a keen eye. Lovely."
I smile as my heart soars. I give Angelica all my info. I direct her to my website which she gushes over. I can't believe she's interested in my paintings. Evie and I talk excitedly about the gallery all the way until dinner. This was one hell of a trip.
It's all done. Everything is finally settled. With Vivian's help, all the paperwork is complete, and I closed on the property next to me this morning. Surprisingly, it was still available after I got the lien settled with the bank. Jake's lawyer friend Brian, found out the executor of my grandfather's estate did cover the back taxes with some money Grandpa had in a savings account. He just didn't file the paperwork to clear it of the lien. I contacted the executor and he fixed it quickly. I let him know what would happen if he didn't. We are all square now, and I can finally breathe again.
I know I had some t
rouble and I pushed Lenora away because of it. I think part of the truth is I didn't want her to see me fail. I didn't want to go under and bring her with me. I know she would have gone down with the ship too, but I couldn't ask her to do that. She just wanted to be there for me, and I pushed her away because of pride. Then her father died, and I wasn't there. I was being selfish and couldn't see past my own problems. I don't know if she'll ever be able to forgive me.
In my mind, her and I are not over. The look she gave me in the diner. I'm not so sure there's any way we come back from that. She looked so broken and sad. How could she ever look at me the way she used to? I fucked it all up. I don't know how to even talk to her to win her back. I don't know where to start.
I sit on my porch drinking a beer, thinking about what was and how it's now. Now that the dust has settled, I can sit and think straight for one second. I was a maniac when I thought I was losing Grandpa's farm. This is his legacy, and I was so close to losing it. I fear though if Lenora had been around during that time, I would have lost her anyway.
Fear is a funny thing. It can bring some people up to challenge themselves. It can make them face it head on, come out braver and more confident. Or it can make people point the finger, place blame and run scared. I'm not proud of what I did to Lenora. I ran scared. I didn't want her to see me fail, see me lose everything I've worked my whole life for. I didn't want her to think less of me. I didn't want to admit defeat. I pushed her away and left her in her time of need.
I hear a truck pull up. It's Carlos. He gave me some advice. He just patted me on the back and said, "I've been there too, man. You just rise from the ashes and move on." He's amazing.