by Rane, April
“How did you know?” she asked. “I…”
“That you are angry because you were not warned? That is obvious, for you have been having visions and dreams all your life about the bigger happenings that would take place. You depend upon these things. They are like a rudder on your boat, and they failed you.”
“Yes!” yelled Czarinaea as she wrenched herself out of his arms and rose to pace the room. “How could she not tell me? What… was she too busy to let me know of these life changing events? Flitting around doing goddess things, too busy to let me in on my own life! Yes, I am angry! I don’t care to have prophetic dreams or visions anymore. She can just keep everything to herself! I cannot be bothered!”
“That is the guilt speaking,” he told her. “You……
“No, it is anger! You said that I should be willing to be angry, well I am!”
“Anger is good. But with whom are you angry?”
“At her of course! The dream maker, the vision maker!”
Czarinaea threw herself on the floor in front of her pallet. Putting her head down, she sobbed into the covers as Stryangaeus gently caressed her hair.
“You are angry at yourself,” he told her gently. “Guilt is anger turned inward.
“What was the name of the goddess that calls herself your spirit guide?”
“What difference does it make now? I am not speaking to her!” pouted Czarinaea.
Stryangaeus smiled lovingly at her. “I have never seen you pout. That’s good, we have reached another emotion.”
Czarinaea was very quiet. She turned away from him chewing on her lip and she delved into her feelings. After a while she reached a conclusion and slowly tried to put it into words.
“So when I am pouting… I am feeling sorry for myself?” asked Czarinaea. “Is that what you mean? I am angry with Desimena because I feel I am the victim, not the ones that I have lost… but me! It is easier to be the victim because I was ill prepared for the loss, and I am not willing to admit I was ill prepared for anything!”
Czarinaea struggled to remember her most recent dream. “My spirit guide said last night that there was a pinnacle of balance between pride and humility, and acceptance was the key. I didn’t understand what she meant. But now I see that grief humbles you. Grief is the nadir- it is the opposite of the zenith, the summit. When you allow yourself depths of despair you are permitted a glimpse of the summit. Yes, I see now,” she continued in a rush of words. “You cannot claim the summit before it is time, but you can slowly climb its treacherous heights with acceptance. But it is so hard to accept your loss… Please help me with it,” she implored.
“To go on effectively, you must start believing in yourself again, and to do that you must have faith. Your faith needs to be placed on your dreams and visions. If you stop having faith in them, than how can you have any faith in yourself?”
He reached for her hand, and lovingly brought it to his lips. “Do not forget that your visions told you about me long before we met, and those visions have helped you in many ways. If you refuse them you are in effect saying to your guide, ‘if you don’t always let me know what is coming, I don’t want to participate in life.’ That would be a shame because your lust for life has always been such a beautiful thing to behold.”
Czarinaea looked up at him and he bent down to kiss her, a soft loving kiss. His image started to fade.
“No, I am not ready for you to go yet,” pleaded Czarinaea.
“Believe in yourself, my queen. Believe…”
“No!”
“I must go… your council comes for you. There are hostilities brewing and they need your advice. Gather all the warriors and wait on the bluff overlooking the eastern valley. Do not attack the intruders until I tell you, and there will be very little bloodshed.”
Following her lover’s advice, Czarinaea led an advance on the intruders, in which not one of her men was lost, a move that brought a quick end to the insurgence and allowed peace to reign again.
Czarinaea spoke earnestly to each and every man that they had captured. Some were hostile and unruly, even in defeat, so she sent them on their way minus their weapons. Most she convinced to stay by telling them of the prosperity they would enjoy as her subjects, and expounding on the just laws and the systems they had set in place, such as rewarding their faithful warriors with gold.
Reflections of her encounter with her lover earlier that day danced around her as she hurriedly walked the last few steps to her dwelling. When at last she closed the door to her room, grateful tears streaking her dusty cheeks, she spoke aloud the appreciative words which flowed freely from her heart.
“My prince, your guidance was welcomed, as many lives were spared,” she told him.
“But what I have learned today is that there truly is no death, and that you will always be with me. Your loving words and your trust in me will be a beacon, holding me fast and true to the course I have chosen.”
The room filled with the undeniable aroma of roses. Czarinaea’s heart brimmed with love as she reached for the bottle on her dresser. Smiling she said, “And when I think of you, I will always smell the sweet fragrance of roses.”
Czarinaea loved hearing Egeria’s laughter which was full of ripe emotion that rose to the surface like air bubbles created by a lively waterfall. Dutiful to her mother, as always, she had found a suitable man for Egeria, although in uniting two such stubborn people, she had spent time she could ill afford.
Now, unpacking a picnic meal, she listened to the two horse trainers bantering. They teased each other unmercifully, but didn’t seem to be willing to admit that they loved each other. How wonderful it must be, she thought, to be in love and not have to decide between your people or your lover. But she must not think like that. She was feeling more like herself again, which at this moment meant that she felt not only whole, but hungry!
“Czarinaea,” Egeria called, “Kaleus is telling me that I cannot train a horse to dance, especially Karina, as he thinks she is too clumsy. Perhaps we should wager his last earnings on it. You could hold the gold for us. We will set a time limit to allow the wager to be fair. What say you?”
“Yes,” said Czarinaea, “I think a wager is good. But perhaps the stakes are too low.”
“Well… what would you suggest them to be?” Kaleus said, as he pulled his unruly brown hair away from his handsome bearded face and busied himself tying it in a knot.
“Kaleus, what do you want the most from Egeria?” Czarinaea asked.
“Ahh… I don’t know, that’s a difficult question,” stated Kaleus as he kicked the dirt with his leather boots.
And so Czarinaea turned to Egeria and asked her the same question, hoping to shame one of them into answering.
“What would you say if I wanted nothing?” the girl retorted.
“All right then, I’ll set the terms,” said Czarinaea looking thoughtful. “Kaleus, if Egeria wins then you leave your post here at the stables and leave the clan. If you win, then Egeria goes back to her people and you may run the stables as you did before she came.”
The trainers looked stunned! Both started talking at the same time saying that the terms were way too harsh. Czarinaea looked nonplused at their arguments.
“It is an order! I have heard each of you say more than once this morning that you wanted everything as it was! For now let us enjoy the meal that I have brought. I have goat cheese, mead and acorn bread. Let us eat, for you each have much to do.”
Both Kaleus and Egeria were silent during the meal, but when it was finished and Czarinaea indicated that she was to leave them, Egeria asked to accompany her. Once on the path leading to the house, the girl said, “What are you thinking? You know that I can teach any horse to dance, so why would you make such a wager? Do you want Kaleus to leave?”
“I don’t. On the contrary, I think he is quite valuable to the stable, therefore to the clan,” said Czarinaea with a sly smile.
“Then… I do not know what you are up to,�
�� Egeria told her, clearly confused.
“I guess you will just have to wait and see,” Czarinaea said, looking rather smug.
When Czarinaea arrived at the house, she sent for Mareus, and excitedly told him about her new ideas for the royal wedding. They put their heads together and began to talk about a street festival and horsemanship event.
Czarinaea enjoyed her friendship with Mareus and began confiding in him that she missed her mother since she had gone back to her people. Then, eagerly, she told him of her plans to send word to her mother to dispatch five young women to them to perform stunt riding for the festivities. Having made plans to meet the next day after she had more time to meditate on it, Mareus left to meet and speak with the councilmen.
The next morning, Czarinaea, refreshed, went out into the garden to greet the morning sun. As the sun crested over the low hills of their land, its golden orange glow filled her with hope. After the festival, she would take a trip to visit with her mother, so that she could tell her that she had been loved. She was now ready to share the greatness of what she had with Stryangaeus. By sharing it, by allowing other people to know of the magnitude of his love, she would be allowing it to live on.
Looking lovely in her light green tunic, with the soft folds hugging her body, Czarinaea greeted Mareus with a huge smile.
“Mareus, you know that I have had many visions,” she said, ignoring the unmasked hunger in his eyes, “I have made no secret of it. My visions have always come to pass. The men are restless. Except for this last skirmish, we have had no battles to fight. Peace is easier on the body than war, but it is harder on the mind.
“I have asked for guidance and I believe I received it,” she told him. “Two things are important. We have agreed that we need to schedule the royal wedding and the festival at the same time. The wedding comes first of course. Then we will start the festival the next day. And secondly, there are a few important clansmen that need wives. If we do nothing to supply these men with wives, some will go off on their own, pillage and take a woman by force which will cause skirmishes and loss of lives. I am thinking to ask my mother, not only to dispatch young women for our festivities, but ask that she hand pick those that wish to have a mate. That way, this festival will supply many needs for our clan. This is getting more exciting by the moment. And think of all the profits for our tradesmen. Why…”
“Yes, yes. I can see it now!” Mareus exclaimed. “But I did not mean to interrupt. I can see you are fairly bursting to tell me the rest!”
“We can have races with prizes. I know….true the women will win those,” Czarinaea added as she saw Mareus roll his eyes. “But our men can have a contest on the short bow. I will have a very special bow made of the finest wood. Every Scythian worth his weight will drool at the beauty of it. They will have to use the newly constructed bow to shoot, and whoever wins the contest will get to keep the bow.”
When the new servant entered with refreshment, presumably made bold by her few weeks with the queen, she looked Mareus directly in the eyes, asking him if there was anything else he needed, making it all too clear that she did not mean refreshment. And although he told her no, it was apparent that he found her attractive.
Czarinaea noticed the exchange and hoped that he would follow through. Tillisa was perfect for him, and perhaps a nudge on her part would help. Or perhaps, she thought, seeing the girl wink at Mareus before swaying off, she does not need my help.
Tellisa’s wink brought a bit of color to his face, though it did not stop him from observing her flirtatious hips exiting the room.
“Well…” Czarinaea chuckled, looking directly at the bulge in his leggings. “You mentioned bursting earlier…”
And then, not able to contain herself, she laughed so infectiously that both of them ended up with tears in their eyes, and Czarinaea was forced to bite her lip to cease what had become uncontrolled laughter.
“Thank you Czarinaea,” Mareus said, bringing sobriety back to their exchange, “for caring so about us. I was concerned at first. I thought it might be that you had stayed with us only because of the threats he held over your head. But – well, after his death I knew that you would be a wonderful queen, although I was not sure how deep the scars were of your husband’s brutal treatment, and the loss of your child. It was a great deal to put behind you. Did you have a vision of being queen before you came here?”
“Yes, early on,” she told him. “I could not understand it at first. But by the time Marmareus died, I knew all of you were my people, I was no longer surprised at my concern and love for the clan. When I left my homeland I was angry with my mother, and I had such hate in my heart for my new husband. I could not imagine caring for his people. I don’t know when it happened. Slowly… I think all of you won my heart.”
“I think you know that I wish it was I that won your heart,” he told her earnestly. “But I will never put that before you. I have too much respect for what you have given us. I just thought I would let you know. I will always be here for you.”
“You are a dear friend, and have been that since I came here, but you are also invaluable now as a trusted brother,” Czarinaea said, hugging him. “I care for you deeply. As I told you before, you are a wonderful man. I am honored to know that you will always be by my side. We are family! I think we need family, perhaps more of it is in the works for you. Go now, we have much to plan.”
The next few weeks flew by. The wedding was a grand affair, and coupled with the festival that went on for days was a great success.
Kaleus asked Egeria to be his woman right after she had pleased the onlookers with stunts aptly done astride Karina, looking anything but clumsy, and he teased Egeria unmercifully, saying that he only asked her to be his woman so that he wouldn’t have to leave the clan, because she had indeed won the wager. A taunting reply hovered on her lips, but he grabbed her and whispered, “You are indeed the better horseman! I hope that doesn’t get in the way of your giving me fine sons and a daughter just like you.”
Somehow those words sealed her lips, and her heart. Egeria kept her saucy words to herself but said instead as she held him close, “Perhaps I am a better horseman than you,” the girl replied in a whisper so loud that even Czarinaea could hear” but I think you can still teach me a thing or two.”
Czarinaea and her horse rode as one through the green meadow. Wind whipped through her long dark hair, and her eyes shone amber in the golden rays of the rising sun. When she urged her steed to go faster, he effortlessly began to gallop at lightning speed until suddenly he rose from the ground. With Czarinaea holding tightly to his mane, trembling with rapture, they flew over the lush verdant fields of her homeland where, in the distance stood the Temple of Ephesus, the bright sun shining behind its glistening pillars. Suddenly, dark clouds ominously began to appear before them, hiding the sun, and the temple vanished from sight. With an anguished cry, she let go of the mane and fell, tumbling over and over into the darkness.
Only then, engulfed in the silence of deep despair, did she hear a deep velvet voice calling to her. “Soon, I’ll meet you in the temple garden. Soon… I promise you.”
“No…no, don’t go,” Czarinaea cried. Her body drenched in sweat, her heart pounding, she awoke to find Mareus sitting beside her on the bed, holding her hand.
“Have I slept long?” She asked him, her voice thick with effort.
“A few hours,” he told her. “It was needed after such a battle. You should be proud of today’s accomplishments. The village of Kronos has been liberated from tyrannical rule.”
When she attempted to get up, Mareus gently put his hand on her shoulder.
“You’ve taken quite a blow,” he explained. “I am sure that the man you bested in battle wondered how you stayed astride your horse after his onslaught.”
“Call the council….I…”
“You thanked them Czarinaea, you thanked all of them as we rode back to Tanais.”
“Who brought me to my room?”
“You picked up this bottle and robe from your chest before you lay down. Would you like Tillisa to help you into the garment? It is very beautiful.”
“It is very old!”
“It has weathered the test of time as you have my queen. I….”
Mareus, choked on the words and tears coursed down his withered skin as he hung his graying head to hide his pain.
“Stryangaeus gave it to me when I was his prisoner, as well as the Attar of Roses in the bottle. May….may I have it, I wish to put it on.”
Mareus opened the bottle and smelled the fragrant scent.
“There is just a bit left,” he told her.
“Ah…that is perfect, for I will not need it after today.”
“No!” he cried. “You must not say that! You must not!”
Tellisa entered the room and put her arms around her husband to comfort him. She loved Czarinaea greatly, and knowing that her husband would be devastated once his best friend left the world, she held him as he wept. At last alone with the woman who had brought her such joy, Tillisa dressed her wound and, at her command, rubbed all that was left of the Attar of Roses over her body before helping her into the garment that Stryangaeus so adored.
“Thank you, thank you for serving me so faithfully all of these years,” Czarinaea murmured, her breath labored. “And th…thank you for loving my friend.”
Tillisa gently put her arms around her mistress. “It is I that needs to do the thanking. You cannot know what you have done for me, for my sons, for my husband…and for every woman in the clan…you cannot know,” she sobbed openly, burying her face on Czarinaea’s shoulder.