“Yes, it took me all afternoon with Jeanie’s help.”
“Hail to amazing assistants,” I said in a toast breaking up the obvious discomfort between us.
PRESENT…
Renee
“I’ll drink to that.” We both clinked our glasses knowing what gems we had in Alison and Jeanie. Just above the rim of the glass I could see Lawson’s eyes solely focused on me and waiting for me to begin talking. I haven’t been very nice and I couldn’t blame him for being a little guarded with me considering how we left things the last time we were together.
“Anyway, another reason why I asked you to dinner is to really talk the way we should have the first time around. I was angry and wanted to scratch your eyes out. In the time we’ve been apart, I’ve done a lot of thinking and trying to find my place where I fit and how much blame I should accept as mine.”
“Renee,”
“No, please allow me to finish, this is hard enough. Do you remember when I wanted to quit school just to spite my father?”
“Yes, that was a great day.”
“And, you convinced me not to and work hard for my degree. You said it’s hard now and it will get worse before it gets better. And when it’s all over, I will be walking in an ugly cap and gown with my loving husband shouting at the end of the aisle on how much of a rock star I am. Something like that.”
“Exactly like that. I was in awe of you. I was so proud of you then and I’m proud of you now. You’re not the only one who has done some soul searching. I’ve practically ripped mine apart and you are the only one who could put it back together. I love you. Those three words are branded on my heart, inside and out. I’m a fool forever saying the other words I did and you have every right to hate me for it. I’m praying you don’t because other than saying them, the knowing part would be so much worse.”
“I don’t hate you, Lawson. Love is stronger than hate and my heart has no vacancies for anything else.”
“Thank you, I needed to hear that. And there is something else you need to know. You see, somewhere along the line, I think I stopped romancing you and making you feel special because I already got the girl, and then came the career, kids, and the grand life we always wanted. I took you for granted and I got lazy. Not wanting a party was my way of punishing myself because I didn’t feel I deserved it.”
“You are an amazing woman, wife, and mother, and deserve so much in this life. I love you always and forever and that will never change. I need you, Renee, probably more than you need me but I don’t mind telling you that. The realization was never clearer on the night I walked out of our home. It was cruel of me to say those words to you, and an act of weakness on my part. I’m ashamed of myself. I should have stayed and talked to you. Be the man you know I really am. I’m so sorry I didn’t. I’m sorry I failed you.”
I knew he was sorry. His eyes were so telling and could never betray what was in his heart. I couldn’t miss the tears that were building but he had his pride and when it’s on the line, he would be as strong as he could before he would allow one to fall.
“Renee,” his hands tightened in mine. “When you get back from New York, will you allow me to come home? I know I need to work on me to be better for my family and that’s going to take time. My wish is that I won’t have to do it alone. Please let me come home to you. It’s where I belong.”
I pulled my hands away and wiped my eyes before my make-up had a chance to run all over my face. I took another sip of my drink and willed my nerves to calm down. What I wanted was to leap across this table and take my man in my arms but we needed this talk. I had to be strong enough to get through it. Of course he sensed my hesitation. He could read me like no other.
“Renee? Are you okay? Can I come home?”
“Oh, Lawson, when you talk like this, I feel it’s a rewind of our early days when we were falling in love and were so carefree to do whatever the hell we wanted. It would be so easy to say yes to you and there is a huge part of me that wants to.”
“But, you’re hesitating?”
“More like being careful, so I don’t match you in monumental mistakes. I need some time for myself and if I don’t put some distance between us right now, I will never leave and the issues that separated us in the first place will never be resolved. Please give me this chance to do that. I’ll go to New York and when I get back, I promise to continue this conversation.”
“Whatever you want.” He winked and took my hands up to his mouth to kiss them. A relief washed over him and he visibly relaxed.
“I love when you say that.”
“Say what?” he asked.
“I can talk for hours and when I’m finished, you give me the simplest of answers which also makes me crazy because it’s so hard to figure out what you’re thinking.”
“I’m thinking I love my wife and I know I’ve been an asshole who hurt her deeply. What would make me a bigger asshole is to not meet her halfway, go all caveman and come home because it’s what I want. No, I’m smarter than that and I know you need some time and I’m willing to give that to you. Having said that, I can’t tell you how patient I’ll be, it was never one of my strong suits but I’ll try for you. I promise.”
“Yes. Lawson you can come home.” The words were right there but I couldn’t bring myself to say them. He was right. I needed this time and I was going to take it. For once, I choose me and I love him even more for knowing how important that is for me to do at this time.
“Lawson,” I practically whispered his name to get his attention. I knew I had it since he hadn’t taken his eyes off me.
“Yes,” he answered seductively.
“I’m hungry and I want crab cakes.”
I watched his gorgeous lips quirk up into the perfect smile. He raised his hand up to signal Saul, who immediately sent over our waiter. We had a lovely evening talking and reconnecting over crab cakes, martini’s, and because I wouldn’t share, two servings of Crème Brulee.
I needed this night more than I would ever admit to Lawson. I’ve been petty and so lost in my anger. I should have accepted his apology the first time he offered it and asked him to come home to me but I was stubborn and wanted him to suffer and to feel the consequences from the words he said to me. They hurt to hear and as much as I missed him the second he left, I also needed to feel them as well and what it would mean if we did divorce. In a million years I never believed a word like divorce would ever cross into our life but it did and now here we are.
Two people who truly love each other but will it be enough? I’m not going to know that answer until I do some self-reflection on my own misgivings. The joke is on me because I’m probably more dysfunctional than Lawson, but since I’m the professional, I just hide it better.
As we waited for the valet to bring our cars around, Lawson reached for my hand to hold and I passed it as easy as gravy. His touch and warmth against my skin felt right, kind of like home. I want him to make love to me all night long. It would be so easy to fall back into that pattern with him. We stood there in happy silence and just when I was about to break it, my car arrived.
“This is me,”
“Yeah, it is. The parking attendant has terrible timing.” His hand moved lower and he adjusted himself. He didn’t even try to hide it. I bit my lip so I wouldn’t laugh. I loved knowing we were thinking about the same thing.
“That he does, but it’s been a great night and why spoil it?”
“Come here,” he said opening his arms for me to walk into. Thank god he was close or I would have lost my nerve. When he wrapped his arms around me, every single question in my mind about our life had been eradicated with Lawson being the man I have always known him to be. “I love you, Renee. I had a wonderful evening with you and I don’t need an answer right now. I want you to go to New York and be amazing at that conference. I say this not to build you up. I say this because it’s true. You are a rock star. Mine.”
“Will you kiss me?”
“You n
ever have to ask.” I closed my eyes and waited for Lawson to give me an epic kiss but he went the gentler route and kissed my forehead, my nose, and then my lips before pulling away. I wanted more. I wanted my husband always. He smiled and then said, “Inside you go,” he opened the door and practically placed me in my seat. “Have a great trip and don’t go charming any strange men in New York with your southern accent.”
I silently giggled inside. “There’s only one man I want to charm. Night, Lawson.”
Arriving in New York the following day was easier than I originally thought. I usually hate to fly anywhere and without Lawson, it’s even harder to do. However, I’m an independent woman who can easily handle a business trip on her own. I actually enjoyed dinner with Lawson and had my first good night’s sleep in a long while.
The first couple of days spent in the city were for me. At first I thought it might feel weird to dine alone and do sightseeing on my own, but the more I made my way around the city, I felt at ease. I was enjoying myself and happy I didn’t come up with an excuse to change my mind. Now, it was time to work. I made my way through the hotel when an unknown woman was running straight for me.
“Dr. Douglas, can I just say what an honor it is to have you with us this week?”
“It’s my pleasure and please, call me Renee.”
“I will try but with your stellar background, it may be hard to just be so casual.”
“Why don’t we begin with telling me your name.”
“Oh, my goodness, I’m Jacque Gillespie. Would you like to get settled in your room before we meet the others heading up the panels?”
“Yes, I’d like to unwind a bit and then according to the schedule, I have a few hours before the reception meet and greet this evening in the Colonnade Room.”
“I see you have gone over your itinerary which saves me time that I never seem to have at these things.”
“Well, time is precious and I would like to take some for myself. It was a pleasure meeting you and I will see you this evening.” I made my fast getaway to the nearest elevator with the bellhop following close behind. New York City hotels did not disappoint and neither did the huge tub I soaked myself in until my skin pruned. It felt so good to relax and soak my sore muscles and allow my mind to dream of Lawson.
PAST…
“Renee, I want to go away with you, anywhere I don’t care. Let’s get in the car, book a flight, I don’t care as long as you are with me. Please babe, say yes.”
“I love how you think Lawson, but how? We have so much on our plate right now and the kids? I just can’t up and leave them.”
“How about a long weekend? Our kids are teenagers and it’s not like we will just leave them unsupervised. We have our folks nearby to check on them. Come on, we need this.”
“I’m sorry but I just can’t clear my schedule right now. There will be other trips. Okay, I have to run. My next appointment is here. Love you.”
“Dammit! Rogan, you don’t get to pick and choose what works for you. We had an agreement and I expect you to follow through with your commitment.”
“Mom, will you please talk to him? I just want to take a semester off to clear my head. What is so wrong with that? Graduate school is not going anywhere. Come on, give me a break.”
“Lawson, why don’t we table this conversation for now and I will speak with Rogan when he’s a little calmer to understand all the valued points you just presented.”
“Renee, I’m not one of your patients and neither is our son. There will be no calming down to process. You are not taking any time off and will stay in school. And that Dr. Douglas is my final word on this subject.” I watched him slam his hand down on the table and then Rogan storm off to his room. Once it was just the two of us, I tried to talk to him.
“Lawson, why are you so angry with me?”
“You don’t know, do you?”
“Enlighten me then?”
“Why? You never listen unless it’s me on that damn couch of yours and you sitting in front of me with your notebook and pen. I’m so fucking tired of being your patient rather than your husband. You need to stop undermining me when it comes to Rogan. We had a plan and he agreed to it. I know he wants to take a break but that is the last thing he needs right now. Believe me, he will thank me for this one day.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry. I should have backed you in there. I will talk to our son and tell him that I agree with you.”
“Thank you, but if you would have just said that in the first place, we wouldn’t have had this fight. It doesn’t always have to be so hard, Renee. I can manage this family just as well as you can.”
“Why don’t you want a party? I just don’t understand you.”
“Renee, we have been over this and I don’t want to discuss it again.”
“Well, you have to because I don’t understand you at all. It’s a party in your honor for your 50th birthday. We love you and want to celebrate you. What is the problem?”
“The problem is, you never listen. I mean, seriously, Renee? This is what you do for a living. You listen to other people’s problems every day and all day long but when it comes to the problems in our marriage, it’s like you’ve gone silent on me. You continue to do what you want. You continue to make decisions that best suit you and your needs, but what about me? I thought two people were supposed to be in a marriage.”
“It is, how can you believe otherwise?”
“It’s easy, you don’t listen to me. All I wanted and have been wanting is a break which is just a joke by now because I never seem to get one. Every year we talk about going on vacation and every year you come up with a million reasons as to why we can’t. I’m done, Renee. No to the party.”
PRESENT…
I couldn’t help my tears that were falling. He was so right. I don’t listen to him. He wasn’t asking for much. He just wanted one weekend alone with me. He wanted time with his wife and I always said no and listed a thousand reasons why it wasn’t the right time.
God! I feel like such a bitch. It’s no wonder why my husband asked for an out because I have to control every single situation in our life and I never give him any room to breathe.
“Because I suffocate him. There you have it, Renee. You are sitting in a luxury New York Hotel bathtub and your life just got all summed up in one big in your face realization.” I slapped the water with my hand make a huge splash. “Damn, I hate me sometimes.”
I did the once over in the floor length mirror and deeply sighed. I was in no mood to entertain my fellow peers in my field but this conference is a good thing and the perfect reason to get my mind off Lawson. The moment I stepped off the elevator, my eager host was right there to greet me.
“This is the topic for the keynote speaker?” I asked in complete surprise reading over the sheet Jacque just handed me.
“Yes, it is. It’s perfect right?”
“That’s one way of putting it. Um, Jacque, I thought the topic was today’s family competing with time and social media?”
“It was supposed to be and then once we heard you confirmed, the board changed the complete direction and focused on communication, the heart of today’s married life. Dr. Douglas, you have literally changed my life when it comes to having a successful marriage. Your webinars on communication, marriage, the family aspect is amazing, award-winning in fact. This is your moment, let’s run with it.”
I needed to get out of here. I couldn’t breathe. “Will you excuse me?”
“Are you okay, Dr. Douglas?”
“It’s Renee, and I’m fine. It’s been a very exciting and eye-opening experience so far but having said that, I need to take a break and make a call.”
“Anything you need, it’s yours.” I found a quiet room away from the conference goers and called Emily.
“Mom! I didn’t expect to hear from you? How are you? How’s New York?”
“Honey, this isn’t a social call. I need a favor and I need it like an hour ago.”
<
br /> “Okay, what is it?”
“Are you in the office?”
“I am. You’re lucky you caught me, I was just on my way out. How can I help?”
“I need you to email all my recent webinar files that were on communication and marriage. Without my knowledge, they changed the closing topic of discussion to that exact topic and now I have to re-write my entire speech.”
“I’m on it, mom, and you should have it right now.”
My iPad pinged and everything I needed was in my inbox. “Oh, Emily, thank you for saving my ass. I wish I could just hop on a plane and come home.”
“Why? I thought you were having fun up there?”
“New York is fine, that’s not the problem. I’ve seen a play and ate lunch today at Bryant Park, but…”
“But?” I hate this part. “What’s going on, Mom?”
“I’m here, and I’m alone. It wasn’t so bad at first but now the silence is killing me. Emily, I miss your father and I want him to come home. I just want to put these last weeks behind us and never think of them again. What the hell am I doing?”
“You are living your life. Stop beating yourself up about it. If it makes you feel better, he wants nothing more than to be home with you. Have you talked with him since you’ve been gone?”
“No, not since I left for New York.” Although our last dinner together ended on good terms, I was still upset with myself for my previous behavior. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her the truth about how I lashed out in a fit of anger and then to make matters more confusing, I made love to her father not knowing if it was really over between us. I felt ashamed for my actions. So, I pretended to not know and ask Emily about Lawson.
“Have you talked to him recently? Is he okay?” I could hear the desperation in my voice. Who was I kidding? I missed him.
“He’s fine, better than ever.” She happily replied.
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