by D M Arnold
“I love you Suki,” he whispered, knowing she wouldn't hear. “I've loved you since the moment I saw you.”
* * *
Christmas morning's daylight awoke Nyk. He was alone on Suki's bed. She walked in wearing running shorts, tank top and a towel around her hair. “If you'd like to take a shower, there's a towel for you.”
Nyk showered and dressed in the same clothes he slept in. “I'd have brought a change of clothes if I had known.” He looked out the window. “Snow!” He had only seen snow from a distance, high on the slopes of the mons. Outside her apartment large, fluffy snowflakes were falling.
“Let's go out in it!” Suki grabbed her keys and he followed her outside. She stretched out her arms and turned her face to the sky. She held up one leg and then the other.
“Aren't you cold?” he asked.
“The air's not that cold. It feels good. I love feeling the flakes melt against my skin.” She ran around like a child with her arms outstretched. Then she said, “I'm starting to get a chill. Let's go inside.”
Nyk followed her into the apartment. He folded his arms and shivered. “I'd rather be in here than out there.”
“I'd like to tell you something about myself,” she said. “I hope it won't bother you.”
“I can't imagine you saying anything that would.”
“When I was a teenager, I had a friend who lived out in the country. Once, I was staying at her house. Her parents had left us alone.
“It started snowing and we both ran outside. I told her I liked feeling the flakes on my skin. I took off my blouse and she did the same. We both took off all our clothes. We ran around, naked, in the snow for several minutes.” She looked into his eyes. “Then, we went inside and made love. That's how I discovered I was a lesbian.”
“That event doesn't make you a lesbian, does it?”
“It wasn't just one event. I had several girl lovers in high school and in college. I've struggled with who I am ever since I remember. I knew I was ... different, and I never fit in. I've tried relationships with men. I've never felt the least bit of attraction toward a man. I find men repulsive.” She looked down. “Present company excepted, of course.”
Suki stood at the window. Nyk stood behind her and watched the falling snow. “When I was in graduate school, my thesis advisor kept trying to fix me up on dates. 'All work and no play makes Jane a dull girl,' he'd say. I always refused. He used to call me 'Sushi Kyhana, my little Japanese cold fish.' I never told him why.”
“Suki, your preferences make no difference to how I feel toward you. You must be true to yourself. It would be a terrible mistake to deny or to ignore what makes you ... you.”
She looked into his eyes. “Oh, Nick -- do you know how much it means to me to hear you say that?”
Nyk opened his arms and she fell into them. “I can feel it -- I feel your uncompromising acceptance of who I am. I wonder why my own father can't accept me and why a complete stranger can.”
“You have difficulties with your father.”
She nodded. “I was a big disappointment to him. He never accepted my gayness and he didn't approve when I became a history major. He said there wasn't a future in it.” She giggled. “I suppose he's right.”
Nyk shook his head. “He's wrong -- history and the future are one and the same.” He caressed the back of her head. “You and I have something in common. I was a disappointment to my father, too.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps. I had no interest. I do understand how you feel.”
She slipped her arms around his waist. “This feels so good, Nick. The pain goes away when you hold me.”
He put his lips to the top of her head and inhaled. “I'll wager,” he said, “your father isn't as disappointed as you believe.”
“You're so sweet ... and, so ... different. I've never met anyone quite like you. You have a softness -- a femininity I find very appealing, and I mean that as a compliment.”
“I'll accept it as a compliment,” he replied.
“You know, Nick ... I'm beginning to think ... I might want to try a physical relationship with you. That is ... if you'd want it.”
“We mustn't, Suki. That is something we must not do.”
“Nick, your wife has hardly been faithful to you, from what you've told me, at least. You said what two people do by themselves is their business.”
“That's not the reason.”
“Well ... okay...” She released him from her embrace. “It's funny ... for years men have been hitting on me and I'd tell them to get lost. Now, I finally work up the nerve to ask the first guy I've ever responded to ... and he shoots me down.” She turned from him.
“Suki, I'm sorry ... oh, Suki, if things were different, I'd say yes in an eyeblink. I wish I could explain.”
“It's okay, Nick -- really.” She faced him and brushed a lock of hair from his forehead. “You're right -- it's probably better this way. We agreed to be friends, and friends we are.” She took his hand. “I'm going to finish making Christmas dinner. You can help me, if you'd like. I like help in the kitchen.”
“I'm afraid I'd be no help at all, but I'd be happy to watch and keep you company.”
“I'm making a southern Indian meal. It's not a traditional Christmas dinner, but I think you'll enjoy it. I'm sorry it's not a hundred percent authentic. A southern meal should be served on a banana leaf, and it's a bad time of year for banana leaves.”
Nyk watched as she cut up ingredients and finished putting together their meal. “It's hard for me to believe those light, lacy pancakes started out as beans and rice. I wouldn't have believed it at all if I hadn't seen you make them with my own eyes.”
“I told you Indian vegetarian foods are inspired. These are my absolute favorites, and they're not only delicious but healthy, too.”
“I'm impressed with the amount of planning that must go into this andthe amount of effort. I had no idea food preparation was so involved. It seems to require so much... equipment.”
“I bought most of this at the thrift store shortly after moving here. I don't think I paid more than a hundred dollars for everything. A serious cook can spend a hundred dollars on a single pan. The thrift store has been my salvation. I've bought kitchen utensils, clothing and dinnerware there. When I was growing up, even when I was in college, I never wanted for anything. Being on my own has certainly taught me the value of a dollar.”
“I never gave much thought to how food is prepared. Since my parents' deaths, I've subsisted on prepared dinners. I cherish the meals you've made and we've shared, Suki. I can feel the love you put into them.”
She looked into his eyes. “Thank you, Nick. That was sweet. Does Cindy cook?”
“Who?”
“Your wife, of course.”
“Oh... No, she's too busy with her work. We rarely even sit down to eat together. It's just easier to heat up a package.”
“I feel sorry for you, Nick. I think a nice meal, with good food and good conversation, shared with friends or with someone you care for is one of life's greatest pleasures. Even our little lunches together at the union have been the highlights of my days.”
“Of my days, too.”
“Everything's ready. Please bring those plates over.” Nyk carried the plates to her living room and they sat together on the floor. “Southern Indian food is hotter than northern, so I hope you've prepared yourself. Here's some cubed melon if you need to cool off your mouth.”
Nyk helped clean up after dinner. “Thank you for the wonderful Christmas,” he said. “and thanks for the book.”
She embraced him. “Thank you, Nick, for your friendship. It's dearer to me than the largest diamond your company can fabricate.”
He headed for the door. “Wait, Nick. The union will be closed for the Christmas break. I'd love it if you'd come here for lunch.”
“I'll see you Monday.” He walked home, shivering, through the accumulating snow.<
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* * *
Nykkyo walked from the lab to Suki's apartment. She buzzed him upstairs and let him in.
“Hi, stranger,” she said. “Lunch will be ready in a few minutes.”
Nyk stood to look at the two paintings hanging on the wall -- the watercolors of nude female torsos. “What do you think?” Suki asked from behind him.
“I think I like the magenta one better,” he said. He glanced at her and saw she was smiling. “They're both excellent representations.” She broke out giggling. “What's so funny?” he asked.
“They're of me! When I was in college, I had a friend who was an art major. She was a little behind in her figure drawing assignments, so one weekend I agreed to pose for her. She gave them to me after the school year was over. I've had them ever since. If you look closely you can see the titles in pencil at the bottom -- Suki I and Suki II.”
Nyk averted his gaze, and he could feel himself blushing. “I thought you said you left your personal belongings at home.”
“Well, I wasn't about to leave these lying around where my parents could find them. But when I moved into this apartment, I thought the walls needed some color and figured why not? You're the only person other than myself who's been in here to see them. Come into the kitchen. Lunch is ready.”
Nyk followed her and sat at the kitchen table.
“What plans do you have for New Years?” she asked.
“New Years?”
“Yes, you know, Auld Lang Syne, the ball dropping in Time Square. This is the first time in my life I won't be in New York for New Years. We used to go in to Time Square and make a lot of noise and watch the ball drop. I suppose we could watch it on TV, if I had one. Do you have a TV, Nick?”
“Yes. Let's celebrate New Years at my house. Tell me what we should do.”
“Maybe it would be all right to have some snacks and share a bottle of champagne. But you don't drink, do you?”
“I suppose it wouldn't hurt for one special occasion. I'll supply the champagne, and you can supply the snacks. I'll stop by after closing up the lab and we'll walk over to my house together.”
“Why don't we plan on having dinner here and then walk over to your place?”
* * *
“I'm afraid this is not as inviting a place as yours,” he said, holding her hand as they walked toward his house. “The house is owned by my company, and it's provided to me as a convenience while I'm on assignment here. My apartment is quite a bit more of a home.”
Nyk escorted her inside. The place looked nearly as it had when he first saw it, except for an additional three month's worth of dust having settled. The built-in bookcases stood empty save the Indian cookbook Suki gave him. Nyk showed her what he bought -- a Champagne-style sparkling wine from Spain.
“That will do fine. Why don't you put it on ice to chill?”
Nyk had no ice, so he opened the back door and poked the bottle into a snowdrift. “What do we do now?”
“We wait until it's closer to midnight. Since we're in the central time zone, the ball will drop at eleven. That's okay. To me when it's New Years in New York, it's New Years.”
Nyk invited her to sit on the sofa and talk. “You seem different,” he said. “Your eyes... sparkle.”
“I'm happy, Nick. I'm happier than I've been in years. I enjoy teaching, and I like having you as my friend. Yes, I think I finally have my life on track.” She started setting out snacks. “I think it would be okay to sample the Champagne before midnight, as long as we save enough for a proper toast when the ball drops.”
“What's a proper toast?” Nyk asked.
“Don't you know?”
“I've never paid much attention to it.”
“We count down as the ball drops. When it's New Years, we say, 'Happy New Year!' We clink glasses, take a sip, and then we kiss.”
“That sounds okay.”
“I should warn you about me and Champagne. It makes me giggly.”
“You're giggly now.”
She smiled and touched her forehead to his. “It makes me gigglier.”
Suki turned on the television and switched channels until she found coverage of the New Year's parties. Nyk sat with her and she pointed out various New York landmarks. When eleven PM arrived, they prepared for the toast.
“5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1... It's 1999! Happy New Year, Nick.”
“Happy New Year.” Nyk clinked his glass with hers and took a long sip of Champagne. His lips met hers and they kissed. He drained his glass and could feel the alcohol in his knees. Looking deeply into her eyes he embraced her and kissed her again.
6 -- Not In Wisconsin Any More
Nyk looked at the clock on the lab wall. It read five, and Suki hadn't stopped by to chat. She hadn't met him for lunch, as he had expected. He locked the filing cabinets and the door to the lab, walked to her apartment building and pressed her button. Nothing happened. Again and again he pressed it and paced around the doorway.
A junior professor came from the building and acknowledged him. “Have you seen Sukiko?” Nyk asked.
“Not since this morning. She may be clearing out her office. She and four other lecturers were let go.”
“Let go?”
“Fired. The new humanities head wants only full or associate profs teaching classes. He treated them rather shabbily -- their students were notified over break the classes were cancelled. He dropped the bombshell on them today. She took it pretty hard, I heard.”
Nyk slipped through the front door before it latched and climbed the stairs. On the door to her apartment were taped two envelopes, one addressed, “Mom,” the other “Nick.” He took down the envelopes and opened the one bearing his name.
Inside he found a door key and a note, moist with tears.
Dear Nick,
Thank you for all you've done to try to help me. Deep inside, I knew I was a lost cause. You gave me moments of hope, moments in which my worthless life actually seemed worth living. I've been beating my head against a wall for three years. It's time to stop and find some peace. Suki
He unlocked the door, walked in, slipped off his jacket and looked around the apartment. “Suki?” Her bedroom was empty. “Sukiko?” The bathroom door was closed.
He rapped on it. “Suki? Suki, it's Nick,” he called out and tested the knob to find it locked. Nyk sprinted to the kitchen, found a paring knife, and used it to jimmy the door.
Suki was slumped in the bathtub, naked, covered with blood and bleeding from both wrists. He shut his eyes and pinched his lips together.
She was still warm but pallid and he could find no pulse. He pocketed the door key, ran to his house and opened the garage door.
Shortly, he was pulling up to the apartment building in the shuttlecar. He hopped from the shuttle carrying a stasis canister. With her door key he let himself into her apartment, ripped the top sheet from her bed and spread it on the bathroom floor. Kneeling by the bathtub, he slipped his arm around her shoulder blades. She fell backwards as he attempted to put his other arm under her knees. Her body was limp. Blood made her skin slippery and the narrow tub restricted his leverage. He stood, averted his gaze and gagged.
Nyk slid her into a lying posture in the bottom of the tub, lifted her legs by the ankles, then bent over and grasped her forearms. He pulled her from the tub and rolled her onto the floor. After popping the cover off the canister, he dumped its stasis capsules onto the floor, slid the device over her head and switched it to its internal power cell. Then, he straightened her arms and legs and wrapped her in the sheet, folding it over her head to secure the canister.
He slung her over his shoulder, carried her to the shuttlecar and placed her in the passenger seat. The shuttle responded to his touch on the unistick and he piloted it from the parking lot. He sped away from the university section and headed toward the outskirts of town.
A vehicle was following him. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted flashing red and blue lights. He increased his speed -- the pol
ice car kept pace. Nyk grasped the shuttle's unistick and jerked it left and right to make tight turns. The craft's inertial sink permitted it to corner briskly. By taking a zigzag route he put some distance between himself and the squad car.
He reached the main highway leading toward the country road he used as his launching pad. A push forward on the unistick increased his forward velocity. The police cruiser was still with him and closing in. He sped past his turnoff, increased his speed and hurtled down the highway.
The shuttlecar zigged and zagged around other vehicles as Nyk used the inertial sink to change directions instantly. The squad car began to fall behind. He crossed a small bridge. Then he pressed a control to increase the Z- component of his thrust vector and create some lift. The shuttle rose off its wheels. Pulling the stick full to the left, he executed a tight U-turn and headed back in the direction he had come.
As he approached the bridge from the other side he saw the squad car, stopped and pulled across both lanes of the highway. The officer had jumped out, pulled his service pistol and was crouching by the guardrail.
Nyk pushed the unistick forward again for more speed. He aimed the shuttle directly at the stopped police car. The officer jumped behind the guardrail and braced himself for impact. Nyk increased the Z and flew over the top of the stopped cruiser. The shuttlecar touched down, tires screeching and smoking on contact with the pavement.
He sped down the highway, pulled onto the side road and stopped behind a deserted school. A touch on the control panel began pre-launch diagnostics. He was awaiting the orbital trajectory coordinates from the navigation computer when he saw flashing lights in the distance, coming his way from two directions. The door safety catches engaged with a snap.