by D M Arnold
“Oh, Nykkyo, I'm so happy.”
“Please -- don't be too happy. This caused me considerable agony, and I'm not over it. I was proud to be a Kyhana and now I'm an outsider looking in. I'm a Kyhana in name, only.”
“You're my Nykkyo.”
“Are you feeling better about yourself, about us?”
“Better for now. Nykkyo, this is how I've been my whole life. Please help me rid myself of the demons. Without your help, I'll never raise this child without a complete emotional meltdown.”
“Of course I'll help you. It's the assignment Destiny's given me.”
“You'll be patient with me? It won't be easy. I have a lifetime of difficulties to overcome.”
“We have a saying -- Urbafloran vi ne en un taka xi nefabrik't.”
“Which means?”
He kissed her forehead. “Floran City wasn't built in a single day.”
She finished the stack of crackers. “Oh, Nykkyo, I'd want you right now if I didn't feel so awful. I need to lie on my back with an ice pack on my face, until the swelling goes down to only twice normal size.”
“Your dad offered to drive me to the hotel so I can check out and retrieve my gear. I must send a message to the homeworld. I'll see you in a little while.”
* * *
Nyk brought Suki a fresh cold pack and she placed it over her eyes. He stretched out on the bed and pressed his palm against hers. She spread her fingers and they laced hands. “Last night, you called me Nykkyo in front of your mom. I don't think she noticed.”
“I'll be more careful, next time.”
“I hope there never is a next time.” He felt her grip on his hand relax and her breathing became deep and regular.
Yasuko poked her head into the room. “The door was open. Is she napping?”
“Yes,” Nyk whispered.
“Is she all right? Are you all right?”
“Yes to both.”
“Thank goodness.” She stroked away a tear. “I've seen suicide by one of those ... things. I don't want to see it again -- ever. I wish George didn't have it in the house.”
“You've seen it?”
“Yes. George's father lost his business and killed himself. I'll tell you about that awful experience some other time. Thank you, Nick, for caring for her.”
“Caring for her is the easiest thing in two worlds for me to do.”
* * *
Nyk sat across from George at a small table. George was explaining the rules of “go” to him, and they took turns placing black and white stones on a gridded board. Nyk felt Suki's hand on his back. “It's a clear night. Shall we look at the stars?” He followed her into the back yard. “If my folks had doubts about you, they're gone now. I'll call tomorrow and get the name of a counselor.”
“I'll come with you, if you'd like.”
“I'd like that. It'll be easier for me with your support.”
Nyk looked up. Though it was a clear night, New York City's lights washed out all but the brightest stars. “I never paid much attention to the stars,” she said. “When you were there and I was here, I'd come out and lie in a lawn chair and look up. I wondered which stars you could see from your world.”
“Most of the brighter ones.”
“I thought you and I might be looking at the same star. The thought some sun was shining on both our worlds helped me feel closer to you. Which one is Floran's sun?”
“You can't see our sun from Earth without a telescope.” He pointed skyward. “Do you see the constellation that looks like a cross?”
“Yes.”
“That's Cygnus, the swan. Do you see the wings, the tail, the neck and head?”
“Yes.”
“The bright star forming the tail is Deneb. Floran is in that general direction.”
“To think another world is out there, patiently waiting for the day when our peoples can be united,” she said. “Just a couple of days ago, you were walking the surface of that world. I wonder what's to come when we make contact.”
“My hope is for interplanetary friendship and cooperation.”
She embraced his arm. “Aren't you tired? I didn't get much sleep last night. How about some bed?” He laced his fingers with hers and headed into the house. “Nykkyo, I'm scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“That after last night it'll never be the same between us.”
“We have a saying -- Xa kel mi nedetru mifort.”
“Which means?”
“That which doesn't destroy me strengthens me. Our love is strengthened by last night. I certainly don't love you less.”
“Nykkyo, that's not Floran. It's Nietzsche!”
“Nietzsche?”
“That saying -- it's from Nietzsche, the nineteenth-century German philosopher.”
“Oh. I guess we can't have invented all the good sayings. We must've brought a few from Earth.”
She led him up the stairs to the apartment, closed the door and threw her arms around him. He kissed her lips. “Oh, Nykkyo, tonight was the only thing I could think about all through dinner. I can't believe I have you. I can't believe you still want me.”
“Of course I want you.” He kissed her again and felt her tongue against his. “This is all I could think about since I stepped aboard the shuttle.” He grasped the hem of her jumper and lifted it from her. “I've wanted you since I first laid eyes on you.”
She pulled his polo shirt from him and caressed his arms. He unbuttoned her blouse, slipped it from her and kissed her shoulders. She unsnapped her bra and let it fall to the floor. “I've always loved you,” he said. “I was born loving you.”
“How's that possible?” She guided his face to her neck and between her breasts. “We only met six months ago.”
He led her to the sofa and she sat on his lap. “When I gazed into your eyes, it awakened a love that had been sleeping in my cells.” She traded kisses and caresses with him. “Suki -- I love you so much -- I want you so much -- I can't believe how I want you.”
“Then take me. I'm yours, Nykkyo.” She lay on her back on the floor. Nyk knelt between her legs. “Take me,” she said, her eyes closed and her fists clenched.
He looked at her supine body. “No,” he said and shook his head. “Not like this.”
“What's the matter?” she asked and sat up. “Nykkyo, what's wrong? You said you wanted this -- I want to give myself to you -- for you. I couldn't do this for any other man.”
“Oh Suki -- it's supposed to be glorious. You looked as if you were bracing yourself for some ... unpleasant medical procedure.”
“But, Nykkyo -- I've ... I've never made love to a man before.”
“Never?”
“I told you -- I find men repulsive.” Suki looked into his face. “... not you, Nykkyo -- you're different. I don't consider you a man...” She put her hand to her eyes. “... oh God -- what I mean is -- the feelings I have for you - - it doesn't bother me you're a man...” She rolled her eyes. “Nothing I say seems to come out right. I feel like some tongue-tied teenager.”
“Don't be concerned about insulting my manhood. Florans might have healthy egos, but they're not gender-linked. I understand what you're trying to say.”
“What I meant was ... you're not like any man -- or anyone I've ever known. I love you and I want it for you.”
“But -- what about your first husband?”
“I told Mom how horrible it was with him. She told me I could learn to like it -- that she learned to like it with Daddy. But, I never did. It wasn't lovemaking -- it was lying there and letting him have his way with me. So you see, giving myself to the rapist wasn't so difficult -- I had lots of practice.”
“That's not how I want us to be.”
“I thought ... I thought maybe I'd learn to like it with you. I want to please you, Nykkyo. I was trying for you.”
“Oh, Suki ... korlyta...” He embraced her, held her face against his chest and caressed her raven hair.
“Now I've disapp
ointed you... I'm sorry, Nykkyo -- I didn't want to...” She started to cry. “... I'm such a mess...”
“Oh, no -- you haven't disappointed me.” He stroked her back.
She wiped tears from her eyes. “Why does sex have to be so complicated?”
He kissed the top of her head. “It's because we care so for each other. If we didn't, it would be easy.”
“That's the paradox -- if I didn't care for you, I wouldn't want to -- I'd have no animal magnetism for you at all...” She smacked her fist against her forehead. “That didn't sound right, either.”
He kissed her forehead. “Maybe you should quit while you're ahead.”
She smiled and nodded. “... You might be right.”
“It's my fault,” he said. “I'm not proud of my performance just now. I lost control.” With his finger he lifted her chin and looked into her eyes. “It was nothing but passion -- pure passion.”
Suki kissed his shoulder. “You shouldn't underrate pure passion,” she said and brushed a lock of his hair from his forehead. “It felt pretty good.” She kissed him again.
“Do you still want this?”
“Of course I do,” she replied. “Don't you?”
“I want nothing else. Maybe if we slowed down a little... Are you willing?” She smiled and guided his lips to hers. “Then, why don't we start over...” Nyk carried her to the bedroom, set her onto the bed and lay beside her, stroking her face and gazing into her dark eyes. She slipped her hand behind his neck and drew his face toward hers. His lips touched hers and he kissed her. “You've never made love to a man -- I've never made love to a pregnant lady.”
“It'll be a first for both of us.” She lay on her back and ran her hands along her stomach. “I'm starting to show -- and, I'm starting to feel pregnant.”
“I can't wait to see your body change. And, it will change back, afterward.”
“I don't know -- I wonder if my breasts will ever be the same again.”
He kissed and caressed her abdomen. “Maybe we shouldn't -- I wouldn't want to hurt him.”
“I'm not made of glass -- and, pregnancy's not a disease. I saw my doctor last week and she said everything's normal. She gave me the go-ahead. Fat chance, I told her. Little did I know...” She placed her hand on his and pressed it against her belly. “Lovemaking won't hurt him. I heard his heartbeat.”
He put his ear to her stomach. “I can't hear anything.”
Suki giggled. “You need a special instrument.”
“I wish I was there. I want to hear it myself. I'd like to accompany you on your next visit.”
“I'd like that.”
“Oh, Suki -- I was proud to be a Kyhana -- to hold the crest and to translate Koichi's journal. Learning I'm not hurt -- and what hurt most was discovering my parents lied to me. Do you have any idea how much that hurts?”
“Thankfully, no -- not like that at least.”
He caressed her belly. “That is something we must never do -- we must never lie to him. As soon as he's old enough to comprehend, we'll tell him his origin -- of how he came to be. And, each day in word and deed, we'll demonstrate our love for him -- for the individual he is.” Nyk returned to lying beside her and gazed into her eyes.
“Of course. You're absolutely right.” She traced his lips with her finger. “Teach me your language, Nykkyo. Perhaps some day I'll return to your world.”
“Okay -- lesson one. “Suki, mi z'am. I love you.”
“Mi z'am,” she replied.
“Mi ve xiam z'am't. I've loved you always.”
“Mi va xiam z'am't.”
“It's ve, not va. Va makes it “I will loved you.” He kissed her forehead. “Try this -- mi nexiam z'ami nehalt va. I'll never stop loving you.”
“Mi nex... I'll never stop loving you either, Nykkyo.” She kissed his lips and he felt her tongue exploring his mouth.
“One more. Ni niva n'amor.”
“What does it mean?”
“Go ahead and say it -- it's easy. Ni niva n'amor.”
“Ni niva n'amor. What's it mean?”
“It means -- let's make love.” He kissed her eyelids. “I love your eyes. I was in love with you the moment I saw your beautiful, dark, Asian eyes.” With his finger he traced her eyebrows. He took her hand and placed it upon his chest. She stroked his shoulder and arm. He felt her toes brush against the top of his foot. She smiled at him and he smiled at her.
Nyk caressed her cheek with the backs of his fingers. He kissed her forehead. She suppressed a giggle. He ran his hand along her shoulder and down her arm. She took his hand and kissed it. He kissed hers and gazed again into her eyes. She slipped her hand behind his head and kissed his lips. He traced her eyebrows again.
“What are you waiting for?” she asked.
“I was waiting for your signal.”
“My signal? Is this some Floran lovemaking ... thing?”
“Oh, yes. When we make love, each partner signals readiness.”
“Do you mean readiness for ... touch? What sort of signal?”
“The guiding of your partner's hands is such a signal. This isn't an Earth practice?”
“It's not one I'm familiar with.”
“Then, how do you know your partner's ready?”
“You know, that's an excellent question...” She took his hand and placed it upon her body. “I'm definitely ready. I've never been so ready.”
“Show me.”
“Show you what?”
“How to touch -- we must teach each other the sorts of touch we find enjoyable.”
Suki twirled a lock of his hair with her finger. “Maybe you'll touch me in a way I've never experienced and I'll find it very enjoyable.”
“...you might be right. But, don't you think what we know we like is a better starting point for experimentation than something at random?”
She took his hand and began guiding it onto her body. “I feel self- conscious doing this.”
“Why? It's trust and sharing, Suki. Trust me and share with me what gives you pleasure.”
“It seems ... unseemly.” He caressed her. “I must be inhibited -- all right, I'll show you. Like this.” Nyk followed his hand with his eyes as she directed his touch. “And, like this.”
“I'm almost afraid to touch you.”
“Don't be afraid...” She led his hand and he caressed her as she had shown him. “And -- don't be too gentle...” She drew in a deep breath and released it. “Mmm -- your hand is warm -- it feels so good. Oh, Nykkyo -- you have a very nice touch.”
“Touch me like this,” he said. He closed his eyes and savored the sensations of her fingers against his skin. “You have a nice touch, too.”
Her breathing slowed and deepened and her heart accelerated. “You're right,” she said. “... this is so much better than something at random ... you seem to know...”
“I'm reading your body.” He held her hand over his left breast. “Read mine -- do you feel my heart?” She nodded. “We'll each learn the language of our bodies. Once we're fluent, we'll have touch conversations.” He stroked her forearm as she caressed him.
“I suppose we've reached the moment of truth,” she said.
Nyk took her hand and led it down his abdomen. She touched him and then drew back. Her eyes began to brim. “I was afraid,” he replied, “that this might be difficult for you.”
“I've been trying to put the rape out of my mind.”
“Images of that day haunt me yet. I can't imagine what it must be like for you.”
“I do want this, Nykkyo -- I do. But, I didn't know how I'd react...”
“I understand,” he replied. “I know men have damaged you. We mustn't do anything if it feels wrong. We'll have a rule. If you say don't, I won't. If you say stop, we'll stop. I'll never violate that rule, I promise.” He led her hand again. “Remember -- it's me, Suki -- only me... It's a part of me -- as much me as my eyes ... my hair ... my hands.” She bit her lower lip. A tear ran down her cheek. “I love you,
and I'll never hurt you. I'll never use any part of my body to cause you pain. I'll die first.”
“I know. Hearing it means so much to me.”
“If we've gone far enough for now -- it's all right.” He looked into her eyes. “It really is. If you want to stop, we'll stop. Just say the word.”
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and another. “The word ... is go. I have enough demons in my psyche -- I'm not letting that punk ruin the rest of my life with you. Ni niva n'amor, Nykkyo. Ni niva n'amor!”
Nyk lay on his back, coaxed her atop him, and locked his legs with hers. He held her with his right arm around the small of her back and with his left he caressed her shoulder blades and her raven hair. Suki lay her face against his shoulder, her eyes closed. “Are you all right?” he asked.
“Yes ... so far...”
“Did I hurt you at all?”
She shook her head. “Uh-uhn...”
He ran his hand along her back. “Here we go, then -- we'll take it easy...” He began a gentle rocking of his hips.
“Oh, Nykkyo! Don't!” She clutched him. “Don't let go of me.”
He held her tighter. “I love you, Suki.”
“I know you do. I know...” He caressed her shoulders and lower back as he continued to rock his hips. He felt her warmth and her muscles move with her breathing. As his excitement built, he established a barrier in his mind -- forcing his own sensations to the back while focusing the front of his awareness on her, watching her as she lay atop him.
Suki tightened her grip on him and began making soft whimpers in the back of her throat. Then, she hoisted herself onto her elbows, opened her eyes and gazed into his. Her breathing grew heavier and he felt her breath on his face.
His heart began to race and he struggled to maintain the division in his mind. Suki slipped her hands behind his head and lifted his face to hers. She pressed her lips to his. He closed his eyes. Their breath mingled and they shared each other's airways.
Then, unable to maintain it, Nyk allowed his barrier to collapse. Sensations flooded into his awareness. He tighted his grip around the small of her back. With his arms and legs he pressed his hips against hers and let out a gasp. “Oh, Suki!” he exclaimed; then he relaxed his body and panted to regain his breath.