“She w-wouldn’t,” I repeated, shaking my head at him and trying to hold back tears.
“Isabelle,” he muttered in a silent, convincing whisper and his expression resembled that of a man who was about to murder someone who was dear to him, “I’m afraid she would and she did.”
And indeed... Those rushed words and the silence that followed broke through my heart like a raging bullet, finally leaving it at peace to bleed to its slow death.
“No. My mother wouldn’t do that to me...” I twitched as the tearing sensation broke through my chest. It meant that my heart had given up on hope and that was when the voice of common sense took over, making me exhale in sheer agony as I closed my eyes, leaning my forehead on my knees. Why did she do that to me?
There was an overload in my head and I didn’t know how to deal with it at the moment. As my teeth began to chatter in utter shock, I realized I was horribly cold and I had nothing that would keep me warm at the time. Fighting the cold, I almost curved into a ball at the edge of that leather sofa and tried to sink into numbness where I wouldn’t feel anything. The touch of soft fabric on my shoulders startled me and I looked up at Sebastian who was holding his suit jacket above me. Slowly, he lowered it over my shivering back and spread its front over my chest. In a moment, I was dazed by his familiar scent, that managed to evoke some of the pleasant memories in this moment of despair and like an unwanted reflex, a weak smile appeared on my lips as his hand reached out towards my face to wipe away the tears smeared all over my cheeks. Even though my mind screamed all sorts of warnings, I was unable to move and he ended up touching me, sending those electric shivers that spread along my skin with the force of a domino effect.
I swallowed and looked at him with wide open eyes. “I wonder... What did Cora say when she found out my mother made you marry me?” I whispered, observing his reaction to the mention of her name and just as I assumed, something within him had shifted again.
Suddenly, that moment of peace was broken when Sebastian removed his hand and slightly pulled away from me. Chills ran down my skin, making it shiver and I squeezed that jacket, tightening its grip over my trembling body.
He sighed, shaking his head. “At first, I thought that I could find a way to prevent the wedding from happening and Cora knew nothing about it. But that first time... The first time we met at my parent’s house and you,” seemingly in need of air, he loosened his tie and it resembled that talking about all of this managed to put him under immense pressure, “or better said your mother still insisted on the marriage despite the fiasco that took place here in New York, I knew that there were slim chances I could avoid the scary commitment that was staring right at my face.”
“You were so cruel to me that time,” I said numbly, interrupting him. “Scared me senseless and treated me like I was less worthy than dirt under...”
“There is no need to remind me,” he stopped me in a serious tone and then his voice softened. “I’m sorry, Isabelle. I’m sorry for more than you can imagine, but all I wanted back then was to prevent that wedding from happening and I intended to show you what you could expect if you pushed me into this marriage.” He looked at me like he was being torn up by memories. “I had no idea that you were going through the same hell like me. I had no idea that I’d come to see the day when every single word and action would come back to haunt me because I’d learn I was marrying an innocent angel and not the devil who came to ruin my life.” As if my incredulous stare disarmed him, he closed his eyes, giving up on the sweet talk and continuing with the story, speaking in a shaky breath. “When I realized that I was cornered, I had no other choice but to tell Cora.” He paused and my breath froze, waiting to hear what she had to say. “It was ridiculous, really. I was scared like never in my life and she actually ended up comforting me instead the other way around.”
“You say that you...” I still found it incredible to even ask. “You were afraid to marry me?” I looked at him incredulously.
“Is that really so hard to believe? In the middle of the mess that reigned my life, I had to come to terms with marrying a complete stranger who appeared to be vile enough to actually give birth to a baby in exchange for a royally paid divorce.” For a moment it seemed as though the usually bronze and flawless skin on his face went pale. “I wasn’t scared, Isabelle. I was terrified.”
After he said that, our eyes remained locked for a long time and for the first time after we started this conversation, I decided to try and see things from his point of view. If what he said had been the truth, I didn’t know how, but I could make myself believe that he hadn’t had it easy either. As that realization surged through me, another frightening possibility emerged in the back of my mind.
“Sebastian,” I called his name, willing him to give me his attention, because I wanted an honest answer. “Is that why?”
Even though my question consisted of simple three words, by his facial expression, I could tell that he knew what I meant. But I could also see that he was cautious, too cautious to give me the answer right away.
“Is that why what?” He asked, resigned.
Inhaling a chunk of fresh air, I made myself look at him. “Is that why you hurt me that night?”
BOOM. There was an explosion, radiating a mixture of emotions in those shiny emerald eyes and my heart that seemed to have died only minutes ago, started thumping again in anticipation. His gaze slowly darted away from mine and roamed along the contours of my face, pausing at the nape of my neck before returning to my wide open eyes.
“No, Isabelle.” His voice was a tortured whisper. “Don’t ask me to justify my actions because I can’t give you a justification. There is no honor in what I’ve done.”
“What you’ve done may not be honorable, but there has to be a reason.” I gave him a broken, pleading look. “Please… I’ve never asked you, but now I want to know.”
His eyes turned darker, turning his stare into something distant and he was so lost in deep thoughts that it seemed as though he was in the room with me physically, but his spirit had left his body and traveled somewhere else.
“Sebastian,” I called his name once more, and he snapped like he was waking up from a long dream.
Then, he swallowed and continued stalling with his answer. “I swear I didn’t plan to do it, Isabelle,” he said with fragile tenderness. “I’ve never meant to hurt you. I thought you knew about the nature of our marriage and that you’d agreed to it willingly. In my mind, that implied that you were perfectly aware of what we would have to do in order to produce an heir. And the reason why I didn’t show you compassion was because I believed that you were your mother’s accomplice who was forcefully asserting herself in my life in such a despicable manner.”
Closing his eyes, he exhaled like he was regretting his last sentence and it felt like he was tip-toeing around me with extreme caution not to break me, but he didn’t know it was far too late for that. I was already destroyed beyond repair and as ridiculous as it may seem, there was something liberating about knowing that there weren’t any pieces left to be broken. I would never be whole again, but at least I was safe from pain. Encouraged by that realization, I looked at him, ready to hear the truth instead of cowering away from it.
He sighed. “I was prepared to deal with that clause in the agreement, but I had no intention to so much as touch you on our wedding day...” He stopped talking abruptly.
“Then why did you do it?” I asked softly. Saying those words evoked the unwanted memories and I had to look away in shame.
His nostrils flared when he made a loud exhaling sound, almost as if he was letting out his last breath. But after second passed by in quiet, he started breathing in a deep tone again.
“Because I lost all of my self-control. That whole day my blood was boiling with anger as the bitter awareness that I had actually ended up marrying you sank in. In all honesty, if that was the end of it, maybe you would have been spared. Maybe I would have just gotten drunk and let yo
u be. And maybe we would eventually manage to see through all the scams and tried to sort this out like normal people.” He observed me with traces of something; something that burned in his eyes and right through my soul. “But unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of it, because your mother decided to push me over the edge. She had the nerve to provoke me by calling us love birds and hanging herself around my neck, taunting that I must be looking forward to our wedding night since she understood that my former fiancé was unable...” He gasped and stopped talking as I looked towards him in shock.
Sebastian was implying that my mother knew about Cora’s illness and used it as a mean of gloating with her victory over him. Normally, I would have tried to deny his allegations because I believed that there was a moral compass within everybody that simply couldn’t have allowed such atrocities. There would be a heavy stone of pain, causing tears of denial which he would then probably wipe away, but those days were over. Nothing could take me by surprise anymore and I remained cold to the thought that my mother would actually say something like that knowing that she was talking to the man who held her daughter’s destiny and wellbeing in his hands. It was crystal clear she didn’t give a damn about me, but the difference between then and now was that at this very moment, the feeling was entirely mutual.
“I understand how my mother could upset you,” I swallowed and continued speaking in a brave whisper, “but did it really have to end like that?”
“I wish I could tell you that things could have been different, but you didn’t stand a chance, Isabelle.” He stopped, observing my reaction and I think that my calmness surprised him because he looked at me with a glimpse of something I’d already learned to recognize as admiration in his eyes. As if there was a silent pact between us, he continued explaining what he meant with that sentence. “Even if I managed to look through your mother’s attempt to humiliate me, it wouldn’t mean anything because the real last drop that pushed me to act like a madman was your audacity to deny your obligation to follow the terms which I believed you used to trap me in this marriage.” He shook his head. “Your denial enraged me beyond control because I was certain that you and your mother were playing games.” A loud gasp broke his words and he stared at me in desperation. “I lost control and at that moment I swore to myself that I would do whatever it takes to get a divorce, but the joke was on me, because I couldn’t bring myself to touch you after that night. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at you after our wedding or think for a moment that your reaction wasn’t an act because I knew what that would mean.” His voice actually shivered and I observed a man who seemed afraid that he would never be given absolution for his sins.
While processing his words, I remembered the events that followed the most dreadful experience of my life. He was telling the truth. After that night, despite the fears that reigned my life, I hadn’t even seen him for a whole month. He was constantly absent and when I thought about it now, it could have been that he had deliberately avoided me. Even after that, when he terrorized me with threats, instilling the chilling fear in the very core of my being, he had never acted up on them. Was he really bothered by what he had done even then? Was he really unable to bring himself to touch me after the tragedy which took place in the solace of that hotel room? Suddenly, while thinking about it, all the hidden dots seemed to have connected together and everything started making sense. What if it had all been a lie and the sweet Sebastian never even existed? What if he had only tried to do all those things to get me to give him what he wanted without having to compromise his conscience any further?
“All this time,” the words spilled out of me before I thought it through and Sebastian looked at me confusedly, “all you ever really wanted was to get me to fulfill the terms of that contract, wasn’t it?”
If I had ever seen a man whose pride had been hurt and who looked like he was utterly disgusted and offended, it was Sebastian at the moment when I said those words. There was so much frustration radiating from his stare that it made me frightened to look at him.
“You’re being unfair, Isabelle,” he said quietly, as if he wanted to shout and this was the only way to control the magnitude of his voice. “How can you accuse me with so much certainty when I haven’t asked anything of you? Not even once.” He raised his eyebrows accentuating that last sentence. When I remained silent due to my complete confusion, his expression softened and he looked at me gently. “If I did all those things just to get you to sleep with me, don’t you think that I would have tried to make a move that would lead us into that direction? For heaven’s sake, I even insisted that we sleep in separate rooms. I’ve given you complete control and you’re attacking me for wanting to trick you into having sex with me.” Deep blush spread over my cheeks and I looked away in defeat. “You can doubt me all you want, but you can’t deny that I’ve been patient and that I’ve treated you with respect. Believe it or not, it’s not easy to sustain yourself from touching a woman you long for with every fiber of your being.”
“Then why couldn’t you sustain yourself when you kissed Cora that night?”
“Isabelle, why are you so obsessed with that kiss? How many times do I have to tell you that it had nothing to do with the things that are stuck in your head? It wasn’t like that at all.” He tried to sound convincing, but I could tell that he was slowly running thin on patience.
“How was it then?” I asked, my voice seething with defiance.
He sighed heavily, composing himself and then he looked at me with the same stare he’d had moments ago when it seemed I had offended him.
“I accompanied her to her first treatment,” he said slowly and then swallowed hard. “It was painful to see her so devastated and afraid. I couldn’t leave her alone, so I convinced her to come home with me. I tried my best to console her, but I had no idea what to do. I wanted to ensure her that she would have my support regardless of the circumstances, but I knew as well as she did that there was nothing I could do to help her. She looked so fragile and I felt guilty for everything. That kiss happened in the spur of the moment and I didn’t think that I was doing anything wrong because we didn’t even have a real marriage back then.” And suddenly, there was tenderness in his voice again. “Still, I regretted it the moment I saw you looking at me with hurt in your eyes.”
Now I was the one who felt offended. “Don’t lie. You didn’t care. You hated me, Sebastian. You hated me with the power of thousand suns.” I confronted him with the bitter truth but it didn’t seem to upset him in the least and he seemed to have taken it with complete calmness.
“You’re wrong. I tried to hate you, but I failed... miserably. The more I wanted to hate you, the more you warmed up to my heart. Day by day, you made me realize that I was gifted with perfection. Can’t you see that you’ve bewitched me, Isabelle? We both know that I didn’t fall without a fight, but there was no point in resisting, was there? So many women have tried, but only you managed to steal my heart.” A small, warm smile teased his lips. “Without even trying.”
As much as I wanted to stay immune to his words, I couldn’t protect myself by staying unaffected. I couldn’t fight the feelings that were simply there. It felt like they were in too deep and that they would never go away. Damn you, Sebastian...
“Sebastian... How can I be sure when you’re alleged affection for me might be a desperate product of denial because you’re hurt by the fact that you’re going to lose Cora? I’m so sorry for that. I never meant to come in the way of your happiness.”
If anything, I expected a confirmation of my words, something that would push me away from him, but what I got was exactly the opposite.
“Isabelle... how can you say that you came in the way of my happiness when you are the only source of joy in my life? I do have feelings for Cora, but not the kind of feelings you think.” His voice was so soft, inviting, and it was so difficult to resist the need to come closer. “You have to understand that Cora and I were raised to believe we would get married. It i
s only natural that the knowledge of it made us develop a sense of deep care and respect for one another throughout the years... Those things are very different than love.” He gazed at me for a few moments. “I know that now. I won’t deny that I wanted to show her my respect by honoring my word and marrying her despite everything. But that was before I knew you—the real you.” He paused, giving me the time to take in his words. “I’ve always been a man of my word, Isabelle. Always. And I didn’t know what it means to break a promise or fall in love until I met you.”
“Why do you keep talking about love?” The hurt in my voice was apparent.
He got closer to me, step by step, as if I was a frightened dove who would flee the moment he approached her. And when he got really close, I felt the need to move away because his effect on me was undeniable and it shamed me. I knew at that moment that all the people who had hurt me would forever be had locked out of my heart, but Sebastian—he was something else. The devil with the charisma of a Prince Charming had irrevocably managed to work his way in and there was no going back. His fingers gently lifted up my chin and when our eyes met, we gazed at each other for what felt like eternity. We were in an altered reality without pain, evil people who caused the mess in our lives or dark corners which were filled with dangerous memories. It was only me and him. Nobody and nothing else. Only us, stripped of any burden, leaving the pressure on our backs as light as a feather. He leaned closer and I gulped, forgetting about the danger in disguise and seeing only him, nothing else.
“The reason I’m talking about love is this.” His lips barely grazed mine before moving away and I was left trembling, with the feeling of burning lava rushing through my veins. “You can’t deny this, Isabelle. You can try, but the way you react to me will always give you away and I will know that you feel the same.”
Virtue & Vanity Page 40