Virtue & Vanity

by Astrid Jane Ray

  I looked up at him and he took hold of my hand, leaning it on his hot chest. He didn’t have to say a word, because his soft gaze told me there were no limits to his patience and the revelation eased. Imitating his soft movements, I let my hand gently slid down and just like he had, I explored his body, memorizing the soft feel of his skin under my fingers. Eventually, he closed his eyes and the look on his face was breathtakingly beautiful.

  There wasn’t even a slight trace of hesitation, but when my hand traveled to his waist, I paused and my eyes froze on the edge of his pants. Suddenly, I wasn’t so brave anymore, but more than fear, it was inexperience that troubled my mind. I wasn’t ready to take control over this. I didn’t know what to do. When I cautiously looked up at Sebastian, he smiled reassuringly like he could feel my discomfort.

  He tugged me on my back and leaned over me, propping up on his elbow. Our eyes and lips were leveled up and I gazed at him in anticipation. His stare glittered with traces of desire and I knew he was about to take the next step. The look in those eyes should have scared me, but before I got the chance to think what it actually meant, he exhaled and hot air grazed my lips announcing a kiss which became a reminder that he meant to cause me no harm. His lips explored mine unapologetically and he deepened the kiss, demanding entrance with his tongue. Our panted breaths entwined and I felt hot and flustered all over, wondering if he would ever stop and miraculously praying that he wouldn’t. While he kissed me, his hands continued exploring my body, simultaneously undoing the buttons on his pants with cautious slowness as if he didn’t want to scare me. I was aware of what was about to happen and I knew there should have been at least light traces of fear troubling my mind, but at that moment, there weren’t.

  The only thing I felt was this building heat and the small tingling need for something, but I didn’t know what. All I knew was that having him this close to me felt amazingly good, better than I ever thought it would and I wanted more—more of this, more of him. He let go of my lips and ran the tip of his nose down my chin, tilting it up to kiss my neck and my collarbones. When his gaze paused on my bra, he exhaled harshly and looked back at me. Green eyes on fire, at the verge of losing control gazed at me with intensity, searching for reassurance that it was okay for him to continue. A shy smile on my lips was all the confirmation he needed. His hand brushed against my back as he undid my bra and pulled it off with teasing slowness.

  I felt exposed and ashamed, so I instinctively tried to cover myself with my hands. Seeing my discomfort, he returned his gaze to my face and I was overwhelmed by the affection that gleamed from his piercing stare.

  He closed his eyes and whispered softly as he kissed my temple. “So sweet.” He continued caressing my hair and spreading small kisses along the contours of my face. “So beautiful.”

  I gasped from the sudden burning fire of his touch on my skin.

  “An angel without a single flaw.” He lowered his lips and they were almost touching mine as his breath grazed their delicate skin. “Please, tell me you’re real. Tell me you’re mine.” He placed a soft kiss on my lips.

  “I’m yours,” I whispered and just like that, I eased the grip of my hands from my body and exposed myself to him.

  He propped up on his elbow until he was leaning above me and his eyes roamed my length. When he looked at me again, I looked away because I felt self-conscious and fighting the embarrassment turned out to be harder than I thought.

  “Look at me, angel,” he murmured and my eyes gradually met his.

  He smiled and caressed my flushed cheek. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” I shook my head and he smiled. “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen—inside and out.”

  I looked at him in awe, smitten by him and the overpowering sentiment he evoked deep within me. Parting my lips, I leaned closer and draw in a breath before he accepted my invitation and kissed me slowly, achingly, lovingly. The sweetness of his lips, the tenderness of his touch and the calming green horizon in his eyes were almost too much to bear; too much to be true.

  “Let me show you.” I heard his silent whisper as he kissed my chin. “Let me love you.” Fire burned against my neck and started trailing down my body. “Let me take you back to paradise where you came from.”

  The touching and kissing game continued for a long time and I dreamily sunk into it, until his lips brushed against the top of my panties. His eyes snapped open and looked at mine, reminding me it was him, the man I loved, who asked for my surrender.

  “It’s okay, dear. Nothing’s going to hurt you,” he mused. “I just want to give you something. You will like it, but if you don’t all you have to do is tell me and I promise I’ll stop.”

  Not hiding the weariness on my face, I nodded, mentally deciding if he had assured me it would be okay, I would believe him, but when he pulled the edge of my panties, I winced in light apprehension. The moment his gaze landed back on my face, his lips touched me with the attention that brought inexplicable shame.

  “Don’t be ashamed,” he whispered in that soft, gentle voice that could always bring me down to my knees. “There is nothing disgraceful about this. These feelings are nothing but pure. Isabelle, my love for you is nothing but pure.”

  Without breaking eye contact, he spread small, loving touches along my lower belly, trying to get me to relax while he slowly took off my panties. Refusing to give me the time to become aware of my nakedness, he took hold of my hand, accentuating the approaching experience as something personal that would only bring us closer to each other.

  Then, his lips traveled lower and he attempted to kiss me there, causing my legs to instinctively clench together.

  “Easy, love. It’s okay. It’s okay,” he repeated over and over again.

  All the while he caressed my legs, belly, hips and almost every other place except for the one where I was still reluctant to let him. But soon I felt the ticklish sensation right there where he hadn’t touched me at all and eventually, taken over by sheer instinct that defeated the voice of reason, my legs slowly started opening for him, naturally, as if there really hadn’t been anything wrong or shameful in all of this.

  Sebastian smiled and he didn’t waste any time in taking advantage of my surrender. When his lips came to contact with my skin, I felt the expected uneasiness, but there was also a flicker of feverish warmth that rushed through me with such force that I couldn’t suppress a gasp that revealed I wasn’t as reluctant to let him do this as I appeared to be.

  “I was right. You are the sweetest thing,” he said in a teasing voice and then he did it again.

  At first with light caution, then deepening the kiss just like when he was kissing my lips. The evidence of shame still burned my cheeks, but there was also something that made me both curious and bold enough to let him continue. The feeling of uneasiness had completely faded away, until I was left shivering and panting for air while trying to deal with the pleasure that he managed to evoke with so much skill that I melted under the smallest touch.

  “Sebastian, please... don’t...” I whispered in delirium and he stilled, making the torture even more unbearable. It took me a second to realize he thought I had asked him to stop, but I wanted exactly the opposite. “Don’t stop,” I muttered in one hot breath and the undertone of begging that was evident in my voice took me by surprise.

  He smirked, my reply seemed to have satisfied him and the moment he returned his lips there, a rushing wave of warm current swept over me and I transcended right where he promised he would take me—paradise.

  While I gasped for air, still captured in the world of dreamy reality where he sent me, I heard the tearing sound of the foil and a flashback vividly appeared before my eyes, but I pushed it back.

  Like a man approaching a wounded animal, he slowly moved towards me, while I watchfully followed his movements, keeping my eyes on his. He leaned his forehead on mine and only then, was I struck by the realization that he was completely naked, lying on top of me. I swal
lowed, doing my best to stay calm and telling myself that I could do this.

  “Do you want to stop?” His question caught me off guard and I was ashamed that he noticed.

  “No,” I said in a vague whisper, not allowing myself to think.

  He brushed his finger against my lips. “It’s okay if you do. I won’t get mad, angel. I told you that I’d understand if you’re not ready for this.”

  The expression on his face told me that it took him a lot of effort to say those words and I could tell he didn’t like the idea at all, but he would honor his word. Even in a state of delirium, he paid attention to my feelings and more than ever, I wanted to return the favor.

  “I’m ready, Sebastian,” I said in a clear, brave voice and he confirmed his acceptance of my honest words with a small nod.

  Patiently, he allowed me to have a few moments of mental preparation and he didn’t do anything but stare at my eyes, exploring their depths as if he wanted to compel them to give away the emotions I tried to hide from him. The compassion that radiated from his glare prolonged the feeling of warmth he spread through my entire body only moments ago and it made me think that it might not be as bad as I thought it would. I tightly squeezed his shoulders, letting him know that it was okay, but when he settled his weight on me, I felt the proof of his excitement, and before I could rationalize that it was only normal for that to happen, the dreamy apparition of paradise was over and I winced, fearing that the sweetness and pleasure would now have to be replaced by pain and distress.

  “Isabelle, sweetheart.” His humble voice broke through the silent room and my eyes snapped open, looking at his shiny green ones.

  The desire that both tempted and scared me was still there, but there was also the soothing light and comfort that reflected in those loving, green jewels.

  “Please, relax. There is no need to be nervous.” A weak smile teased his lips.

  The troubling pressure of guilt pushed me to speak, and I parted my lips, wanting to offer an explanation that would account for my cowardly behavior, but Sebastian wouldn’t let me go through such torture.

  “Shh,” he whispered in a tender voice and slowly pulled me back towards him, accounting for my part instead. “Don’t be afraid.” He gently caressed my flushed cheeks and smiled to offer an additional reassurance. “I’m not going to hurt you, love.” He gazed at me with compassion and whispered. “I would never hurt my angel.”

  His promise echoed in my mind and the raspy tone of his voice was overwhelmingly revealing, letting me know he truly meant what he said, but the expectation of hurt and shame was still there. I held my breath, expecting that it would hurt and in preparation for the pain, I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth so that I wouldn’t make a sound. He lowered his lips on my forehead and instead of moving, he completely stilled on top of me, that scary part of him only an inch from entering me.

  “No, Isabelle.” The warm breeze of a tender whisper teased the sensitive skin of my neck. “Let me see your beautiful eyes.”

  Despite the strong need to indulge him, I kept my eyes closed. I might have been nervous, but he didn’t have to know it. I didn’t want to disappoint him.

  “Don’t fear this. I promise there will be no pain. I’ll be gentle.” Weightless, soft lips nudged against mine, silently pleading for me to believe him. “I’ll make it perfect, love.”

  A hot breath ignited by the spark of his words escaped my lips. Even though I was about to travel into mysterious depths of the unknown, I knew I had to trust him and the gaze in his eyes that reflected nothing but the light of love, told me he was worthy of that trust.

  “I’m not afraid of you, Sebastian,” I repeated the words in my mind and suddenly I felt the need to let him know how strongly I was connected to him. “I’m not afraid, love.”

  The lightning of emotion flickered in his eyes and he took hold of my hand, squeezing it under his palm. Then, he leaned down to kiss me and while my mind got distracted by his soft lips, he gently pushed inside me, maybe only for a fracture of an inch. I was trembling, more because of my fearful expectation, than because of the actual experience.

  “Shh,” he soothed, moving away the lock of hair from my face. “My sweet Isabelle.” He continued in such a slow pace that beads of sweat appeared on his forehead, revealing the level of his restraint. “You don’t know how much I love you.”

  As I took in deep breaths, grasping the fact that this was happening and that it didn’t hurt like I had expected, his admission of love chased away the last traces of fear. Together with my body, I gave him my heart and my soul—all of me; and he accepted the gift, creating a slow, gentle and patient interlude of affection.

  “I love you too,” I muttered in a shaky breath and he smiled, the bright reflection in his eyes showing how much the words meant to him.

  He was inside me completely, but he didn’t move. I could tell it took a lot of self-control for him to stay still above me because his muscles were flexing, trying not to move until I got used to his presence. I was overwhelmed by the full feeling and only mild discomfort, but there wasn’t any pain.

  He kept whispering to me, laying small kisses and caresses on my forehead, cheeks and neck, until the feeling of light discomfort entirely disappeared and I relaxed in his arms. Sensing the undeniable influence he had on me, he leaned really close, his scent possessing the space around me and putting me under a spell I never wanted to wake up from.

  Disarmed by his captivating endearments, I uncovered my anticipating gaze and my cheeks flushed deeply when I met his knowing emerald stare. He ran his fingers along my hot cheek and smiled at me, once again showing that he had the patience of a saint.

  “I’ve never laid my eyes on someone as perfect as you. You’re a work of art,” he whispered in a silky soft voice that dripped with affection and then he slowly started moving inside me, never taking his eyes away from mine. “I dreamed of this. I dreamed of you, my dear.”

  I clenched on to him and drank from the spring of the captivating green sea that soothed me with its own tranquility. For a moment, I expected the return of discomfort, but what I felt instead was the feeling of pleasure that grew like a bubble that was about to burst one more time. In accord to his harsh breaths, my own breathing had become more intense as I forgot about the pain and savored the reappearance of heaven he offered so selflessly and freely.

  Almost like he desired to blend our bodies together into one being, he pulled me closer and closer to him, until our skin was glued together, the beating of our hearts intertwined into a beautiful symphony that picked up on the rhythm of what had to have been the ultimate act of love.

  His touch was everywhere. Embracing me, touching the most hidden parts of me, inviting the experience of nirvana I never knew existed. I was shaking in his arms, waiting, wanting and burning.

  Stronger than ever before, I felt that I belonged to this man with everything I was. Only he could make me feel; only he could create fire with his burning touch. Only he could take my body and see into my soul because he was an essential part of me. He was like water, sun and air. He was everything.

  “I’ll never get enough of this. I’ll never get enough of you.” He was trembling above me, squeezing my hand even tighter and spreading electric shivers through my fingers. “My sweet, adorable angel.” His shaky lips trembled against mine as he drove deep inside me and then kept me in his strong embrace, continuing his never ending kisses and sweet, whispered endearments like he was reaching out for me in this state of grace. “Now we are one. Forever.”

  “Forever,” I repeated as the shivering explosion brought me to the edge of madness one more time.

  All I could do was call his name, convinced that nothing could surpass the beauty of this divine experience. Displayed in front of my eyes was the highest demonstration of love that brought back all the meaning in the world. My world. Sebastian.

  After a long time, when our breaths finally returned to normal, he kissed my forehead and th
en lay next to me, turning me to my side, closer and closer to him, until we ended up in the very same position from the beginning.

  He took a strand of my hair in his hand and looked at me warmly, like he was inspecting every single part of my face and simultaneously burned its impression in his memory. Despite the fact that a mixture of sweat and hot panting breaths remained lurking in the air like opium that hypnotized us and made us still in each other’s arms, it had indeed felt pure, just like he said it would and the revelation brought tears to my eyes.

  “Hey,” he muttered, kissing away my tears and then he frowned as if he was startled by an unnerving realization. “Did I—” he hesitated and his expression turned to worry. “Are you okay, love?”

  “I’m okay, Sebastian.” I smiled and caressed his cheek. “I’m okay now.”

  Pleased by my reply, he gently kissed the bridge of my nose and pulled me into his strong embrace. As we spent the rest of the night, peacefully lying in each other’s arms until we were greeted by the slow sunrise, it felt as if there was a new beginning after a long period of darkness that resurrected together with the sun. Our eyes opened to greet the new day and we felt it in the energy that was shared between us.

  He loved me.

  I loved him.

  Love took away the pain.

  Epilogue

  7 years later

  “Would you agree that your book is rather...controversial?” The reporter narrowed her eyes at me while she spoke in a rich, British accent.

  I crossed my legs and smiled politely, pretending that I didn’t notice her question had a slightly condescending tone to it. Over the years, I had learned to hide my emotions very well, especially to the outside world. Ever since the book Sebastian helped me publish achieved unexpected success, I had to deal with a lot of attention and publicity. It was a burden that would toughen up even the most fragile person.

  “Yes, I would agree, As a matter of fact, I think that’s exactly why so many people have liked it,” I said in a cheerful tone, although I felt like ending the conversation.