Because of the focus on how my son was mothered, I was launched into a role of parenting expert seemingly overnight—a role I still reject. I am no expert; if anything, I’m an experimenter. I just did what I had to do, waited to see what worked, tossed out what didn’t, and started all over again. Just as the lioness focuses on only one thing—survival—I fought hard to remain present in the moment. That presence helped keep my eyes wide open so I could snatch up the inner and outer resources I needed to raise bright, kind, and happy children. Though I sometimes felt ostracized, misunderstood, and completely alone, my dedication to staying focused on the here and now enabled me to see clearly the opportunities and support—the haves—that surrounded me, and put them to good use. Yes, I made a lot of mistakes, like worrying about the next day instead of what was happening at the kitchen table, and it certainly wasn’t easy to stay grounded in confidence and strength, but I taught myself to keep asking the important questions: What kind of people do I want my kids to grow up to be, and how can I model that despite the daily pressures that crush me? What do I have to do (or not do) to teach the values I learned as a kid even when I feel like I can’t breathe, never mind be a role model? How can I inspire them to succeed without nagging and yelling?
These guiding questions became my reset buttons when I felt a moment or situation getting away from me. During overwhelming days or just typical busy ones, I stopped and reminded myself of these questions because they pulled me back to what was important. In terms of what I did on a daily basis, I had no empirical examples to offer people who asked, so I turned to my children to find the more accurate answers. I’ve always believed children to be our guides, as they are wise and much closer to the truth than we think. Simply asking all three of my children, What did I do that made a positive impact on you? helped me remember moments I had either forgotten or not noted in the first place.
Wes: “The time we had two basketball games in two different states two hours apart and you made them both.”
Nikki: “After Shani, Wes, and I argued, you pointed to the army of ants on our countertop, explaining that a family works together and always sticks together, or else nothing gets done.” (Little did Nikki know I rushed to kill those suckers the minute she left the room!)
Shani: “The time you promised you would always keep my secrets, even from… especially from… my own brother and sister.”
While the monumental stuff like working several jobs or stringing together loose change for a decent dinner came to mind as the “right” way to be present, my children’s memories told me otherwise. Presence makes the little things much bigger; it takes a door that is ajar and swings it wide open.
Presence
Presence is the secret sauce of parenting, period. In fact, presence is what one survey revealed children crave most from their parents, married or not, and they get quite resentful when they don’t receive it. According to one study, 54 percent of kids say their parents check their devices too often. And 32 percent describe themselves as feeling “unimportant” when their parents are sidetracked by emails, social media, online shopping, and texts. This reminded me of when my kids would tune me out, and I would demand, “Look at me when I am talking to you!” But do we look at our kids, really look, when they are talking to us?
It is easy to see, especially in our mobile high-tech world, how being present is difficult enough when there are two parents in the home. My mother used to say that she chose the relatively predictable field of teaching because if one parent travels extensively—as my dad did for work—the other parent can’t “rip and run” at the same time. One of them has to stay close to ground zero. But once you are the sole parent, you lose your backup. There is no safety net at the bottom when you fall off the proverbial parenting cliff. Being a single mother doesn’t come with the checks-and-balances approach you get when you have two parents on the case; nor do you have a different perspective or opinion to counterbalance your own, or, most important, the support and reassurance of the other parent when you make a hard call for your family. When you’re tapped out at the end of the day, there isn’t someone there to pick up your slack, able to be present for you when you need to check out. All that and more went out the window when I lost my parenting partner. So I had to be doubly present, and figure out a way to be present even when I wasn’t anywhere near my children!
The voice in my ear was my consistent reminder that presence is more than simply being in the physical vicinity of my kids, or even providing for their basic needs. Presence is stopping in the moment with the intention of making a lasting impression of your own values, instilling them like pillars staked firmly into the earth. Presence is the “what” of successful parenting. The “how” is making sure there is a pride of people whom you trust and who can partner with you in the process. The “why” is that everyone needs help. The “when” is now.
Digging deep for this book, I thought hard about the pillars I incorporated to make our family work. Seven emerged. It is said that through necessity, we invent, and I believe that it was out of necessity that I frequently turned to my pillars as guideposts and reminders of what keeps me going. If these pillars represent my value system, then presence is the mortar that binds the pillars together, strong and erect, enabling them to be symbols of strength to this day.
I realize that telling you the secret to raising happy children is to simply be present in the moment might elicit one of two responses: an uncontrollable bout of belly laughter, or an eye roll. I wouldn’t blame you. After all, chauffeuring kids around from activity to playdate to tutor, planning conference calls while paying bills and taking the dog to the vet, and having to take multiple trains or buses to accomplish all these things and more does not feel like a life conducive to “living in the moment,” as presence is often described. But then I think back to what my grown kids have identified as being most impactful in their development, and I realize the irony: I couldn’t have driven across the state line to two different basketball games, nor connected with my remorseful child by making an important promise, nor remained calm enough to turn an insect infestation into a teachable moment unless I was present in that very moment—the eye-on-the-prize kind of presence and, yes, much of the time the grasping-at-straws type of presence too.
My Guiding Pillars
Presence of Mind is about cultivating and adhering to the mindfulness necessary for being present in the first place. Presence of Mind means trusting your gut and acting with your wit. It is about the ability to connect with the voice in your own ear that encourages you to see a difficult situation in a new way if you want a different outcome. Mindfulness also allows you to be in tune with your children so you can anticipate situations rather than just reacting to them. It is the voice in the ear that keeps generations united through wisdom and experience.
Presence of Heart is what keeps you going despite all the ups and downs; presence helps the heart pump lifeblood throughout the family unit, keeping everyone focused on living their truth. Changes may have been made, but the family hasn’t changed. Having Presence of Heart helps solidify this critical message and keep children feeling grounded and safe.
Regarding Presence of Faith, the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Take the first step even when you can’t see the end of the staircase.” Presence of Faith lets you entertain the notion that there may be a staircase to better things even in the midst of great loss. It allows you to take an unknown path without knowing where you’re headed. Faith allows you to quit a job and be confident that your next one will be better and more fulfilling. Faith allows you to leave an abusive marriage, leaving everything behind, and know that your life will be better when you walk out that door.
Presence of Courage helps us move out of our comfort zones. Heroes are celebrated for dramatic, daring acts and quick action in a crisis. If those are the criteria, all parents qualify! In hindsight I can see that some of the best choices I made came when I was acting out of desperation and seiz
ing opportunities that were foreign and scary. Sometimes the most bravery we can show is to look within ourselves, admit wrongness, and make an about-face in the right direction.
Presence of Resources. Experts agree that one of the most predictable indicators of stress on a family is financial instability. But as I learned, there are ways to secure family financial freedom without losing the all-important connection to our children along the way. Learning to manage resources and accept limits, while teaching the wisdom of delayed gratification and embracing quality over quantity, decreases the financial anxiety that can threaten a family’s well-being.
Presence of Connectedness has two facets: being physically connected to our kids and establishing the invisible connection that sends out our energetic presence in our absence. At some point, as your children navigate the world without you, they will make their own decisions about how to behave. It’s critical that they have the tools to keep themselves out of harm’s way in the moments when you’re not there to guide (or chastise) them. Connectedness means that your voice will ring in your children’s ears even when you’re not physically in front of them. It is also about keeping the people and practices around you as a single mother that will give you the energy—both physical and emotional—to be all things: cheerleader, referee, coach, chauffer, tutor, understanding friend, and shoulder to cry on.
Presence of Values means passing down characteristics and traits that will carry your children for life. Instilling such values as honesty, trust, humility, compassion, generosity, and so many others is a great responsibility. The most effective way to teach values is to embody them ourselves. Children learn much more and much better by watching what we do than by us telling them what they should do.
For my family to succeed, I had to employ all seven of these pillars and call in all the resources I had at my disposal to amplify my presence. As a single mom, it wasn’t always easy to remember to live by them, with all the myriad responsibilities facing me daily. Sometimes it was easier to just plop the food on the table without taking the time to be thankful for whatever it was that a limited budget could afford. Sometimes at the end of an exhausting day, it was just easier to send the kids off to bed without being present enough to read a book with them or say bedtime prayers. But these are tools of survival in a world that sometimes makes no sense or in a situation cruel beyond belief. We arm our kids with boots and umbrellas when it’s raining, or sunscreen when they’re exposed to the sun. A bag full of social and spiritual tools, like humility, empathy, kindness, high expectations, thankfulness, and faith in something bigger than themselves, is just as important to their well-being. While I relied on each of these pillars independently, it was the braiding and blending of all of them that propelled our family along a successful path.
While I share many stories about my family in this book based on these pillars, our success is far from unique. Therefore, I have also included the most striking and powerful stories I’ve heard from other single mothers. Some of these amazing women I’ve known for many years. Others I’d heard of or read about and couldn’t wait to meet. From them I gleaned the essence of what single motherhood has meant to them and the moments that have most influenced their children’s character. What were the crucial moments of presence in which they were able to see the world around their family with clarity and compassion? Some of these women had limited resources, some had plenty, but all had the intense challenge of balancing complex lives. All of them have made bold and sometimes heartbreaking choices and stuck by them with great discipline for the benefit of their children.
Throughout the book, you will learn the stories of these women. They add a new dimension to the conversation about single mothers, because this is not just my story. It is the pride’s story. Their wisdom—highlighted by the heading “Lesson from a Lioness”—will inspire you to keep your sight and transform darkness into light.
Parenting in a World of Right and Wrong
When Mary Moore, the mother of a son named Wes Moore who is serving life in prison, and I appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show to reflect on how we parented our children, I was asked the same question that audience members at Wes’s speeches ask: “What did you do right?” I wanted to somehow make clear that the differences weren’t in me doing something right and Mary doing something wrong. We all want to fiercely protect our children and want to see them exceed our own accomplishments. None of us set out to do anything wrong for our children. The differences are in the opportunities available to each of us as mothers to be present in our children’s lives. The presence of sound family-supporting public policy cannot be overstated. If Mary’s education had not been cut short because funding for Pell Grants was drastically reduced, her life trajectory and those of her sons could have been decidedly different. I had the support of a pride—my parents, my husband’s family, teachers, friends, trusted surrogates, my own education and career background—that I solicited to help me be present for my children. Because of all of that support, I experience the joy of seeing my children thrive today.
If you are a two-parent family, I want this book to shine a spotlight on often overlooked examples of resilience, resourcefulness, and sources of inspiration and parenting advice that come from the experiences, challenges, and successes of single moms. They have a story to tell and wisdom to share that can benefit all those with a child in their life. If you are a single mother, I want this book to be a source of celebration and proof that you are in no way a liability. I began to open my eyes to the many other single mothers in this world while journeying through my own singledom. The image of the lioness was a huge comfort and helped me change the way I viewed myself and my family’s journey. Single mothers are hunting for food, caring for their young, fending off danger—they are able to do it by relying on one another. Lionesses’ resourcefulness and power became emblematic of the spirit of single motherhood. If you think of yourself as one part of a larger pride, sharing ideas and championing others, you will succeed in ways beyond your wildest dreams.
The metaphor of the lionesses’ pride was popularized by author Lisa Bevere, who notes in her book Lioness Arising that lionesses are resilient and quickly able to set aside failures in order to do better the next time. They are said to see in the dark: “She can take the smallest light and transform it into sight.” The women I have interviewed in this book come from all walks of life and became single mothers through all sorts of circumstances, but all embody the ability to see through the darkness, remain present, and bring their children and themselves into lightness.
As we move forward together to be present, mindful parents for our children, I hope you will take pride in knowing there is a vibrant, robust, and fierce community of like-minded competent women actively raising authentic, fulfilled, happy, successful, and, most important, kind human beings—who, through voices in their ears, have become recipients and providers of great joy and enormous pride.
Presence of Mind:
The ability to trust our experiences and inner voice to become in sync and in harmony with the energy, needs, and emotions of our children.
I
Presence of Mind
Introduction
Even if we’re not literally in a state of emergency, we can often feel like our lives are a perpetual wheel of chaos, tests, demands, and letdowns. We feel like losing it most of the time, and who can blame us? Teachers call home to discuss a behavior problem, you are up most of the night because you forgot to bake cupcakes for a birthday party at school, and also did you tell your boss you’d be an hour late so you can make it to the classroom to sing “Happy Birthday”? There are the chores, the homework, the paperwork, the bills, the trying to get to the gym and lose a few pounds (yeah, right), the calls to your own parents, the doctors’ appointments, the sports, the extracurriculars, the playdates! I swear my blood pressure is rising just typing this. To say to you this is all still not even the half of it would be preaching to the choir. You are well aware that your head fee
ls like it’s going to explode; that your mind reels with so much stuff that you forget where your glasses are (on your head); and that you are actually a year older than you thought you were.
To have Presence of Mind can be defined as being in a calm state of mind that allows you to think clearly or act effectively in an emergency. During the early years of diapers and when the simple distraction of a cookie could appease your screaming toddler, your being “out of your mind” probably wasn’t as noticeable to your child. But I remember when they were around eight years old, I could tell my kids began to wonder whether I had it together or noticed I was frazzled. Nikki, my oldest, would even call me out on it. I realized that if I seemed scattered and out of control it would make the kids feel less secure, less capable themselves. So I did what any normal mother would do. I got it all together and became perfect.
Ha! Okay, fat chance. I did exactly what every mother really does and does well: I learned to fake it!
But in all seriousness, while I was faking my way through being all things to all people, I also began to realize that I could put to use the parts of my mind that I still had intact. My resourcefulness and sheer will to see my kids succeed had never gone by the wayside. I also began to admit that Presence of Mind couldn’t happen 24/7, simply because I wasn’t with my kids all day every day. They were influenced by peers, by social pressures, by things beyond my control. Presence of Mind had to be something that I passed on to them with my influence by talking to them, sharing my ideology, and giving them things to think about. I called upon mentors to help me when I wasn’t there. I utilized my big mouth to fight for my kids intelligently and respectfully, forming helpful collaborations that kept my mind at ease while expanding the minds of my kids.
The Power of Presence Page 2