by Carrie Elks
I smile as his words conjure up memories: our first kiss in the rain—drug fuelled, sweet and full of need. Though we are older now—and sober—that need still claws at me, demanding to be fed. So I slowly raise my face until my lips are millimetres away from his. “Do I taste of rain, too?”
His smile is devastating. He drops his head to lightly kiss me, and it feels as though the sun has blasted away the clouds. Because that’s what he does to me. So I kiss him back, tongue sliding softly against his lips, my fists clutching the back of his jacket as if he’s some kind of life raft.
I marvel that once we were so destructive it took me years to get over the cataclysmic results. Yet here we are, holding each other as if we’re in a normal, functional relationship. Regardless of my separation and his unpredictable career and the fact I’m about to foster a child, somehow, for the first time, I actually feel grounded.
He breaks away, his face flushed and glistening with rain. When he pushes my wet hair off my face, his fingers are soft. Little more than a caress. Then he steps back, running his hands through his own soaked hair and says, “Let’s go see our girl.”
The tide is slowly creeping in, the water sneaking farther up the beach with every wave. It’s cautious at first, flowing gently as if it’s trying the new bit of sand out, before running back to join the rest of the sea. Allegra hops the wave as it breaks, letting it chase her up the beach, hair flying behind her as she runs. Any sound she makes is stolen by the springtime breeze, but I can tell by the shapes she forms with her mouth that she’s laughing. It warms me to see her so carefree.
Picking up my thermal cup, I swallow the last of my coffee, before turning my attention to the papers resting on my knee. I have my first lot of exams next week. I’m so scared of failing them that I’m taking every chance I can to revise. Though the degree is only part time, it’s a full-time job trying to fit studying in around my work at a local drop-in centre and looking after Allegra. At this rate it’s going to take me six years to pick up the letters after my name. I don’t mind. I’m just enjoying the learning.
“Can we get a dog?” She’s breathless when she flops down beside me on the blanket. “A really big one, with loads of fur.”
“No.” I reach out and ruffle her hair. I’m getting better at saying the ‘n’ word. At first, after Daisy’s death, I couldn’t bring myself to deny Allegra anything. It’s taken us nine months to get here; to the sort of relationship where I can refuse her and she doesn’t cry. We’re still a work-in-progress.
“A cat?” She doesn’t give up.
“Maybe a rabbit or a guinea pig,” I concede. “Something low maintenance.”
“A hamster!” Her eyes light up. “Rebecca Grant has one of those and it’s so cute. It does keep her up all night, though.”
I smile and offer her a bottle of water. We’ll work it out. Maybe take a trip to Pets at Home to see what the different animals are like. One step at a time, I remind myself. A year ago I was in a childless marriage. Now I’m a mum to a nine-year-old girl. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying my best. We both are.
“Can Rebecca come over to play after school next week?”
“Sure, I’ll give her mum a call.” I mentally flip through my calendar, another thing I’ve learned to do since fostering Allegra. We have to plan out our schedules with military precision. Between dance clubs and play dates, plus school, college and work we live a pretty busy life. I’m about to ask her what day she wants to do it on when my phone rings.
“It’s Lara,” I say, glancing at the screen. As I answer, Allegra runs off to collect more shells for her pile at home. She knows Lara and I talk for ages on the phone. Now that we’re both mums—of sorts—it’s nice to have that support network there.
“Hey,” I say into the phone. “Is Max asleep?”
“I just put him down. I figure we have half an hour before he starts to squawk.” Lara sounds exhausted, just like any parent of a three-month-old baby. “How’re things in sunny Brighton?”
“Not sunny.” I look up. “The sky’s full of grey clouds.”
“It’s lovely here. The sun’s out, the sky’s blue and everybody’s in bikinis. You should definitely move back to London.”
I laugh at her blatant lie. Every time we talk she tries to persuade me. Whether it’s the free museums, great restaurants or beautiful weather, she uses any excuse to encourage us to move back. There’s a part of me that misses the hustle of the city, the excitement that seems laced in the air. But this move has been the best thing for Allegra. Better schools, open spaces and still only a short train journey from the big city.
“Or you could move down here,” I counter.
She laughs. “Imagine Alex’s face, he’d throw a fit.”
“How is Alex?” I haven’t seen him since he came to visit for the day with Lara and Max a couple of months ago. I bite down a smile as I remember him telling me that their sofa was big enough for me and Allegra. If we ever wanted to move back with them.
“Busy. There are a few managers sniffing around the band. He seems to think he’s Mick bloody Jagger.” I don’t like the way her voice trembles. I get the impression there’s more to it, but I’m not sure what to do. Maybe a trip to London is in order.
“He’s always been a show-off.”
“You’re not wrong there.” Her laugh is short, then she changes the subject. “Have you heard from Niall?”
“Pretty much every day.” He’s been in the US for the last three months, putting on an exhibition. It isn’t only his constant texts and messages that make me smile—although they do—but the fact he sends Allegra postcards every few days. Blank ones that he draws zany pictures on. She’s pinned them all up on her wall as a shrine to Niall Joseph, making me smile every time I walk into her room. “He’s coming home next Thursday.”
There’s no need to tell her I can’t wait. We’ve been taking things slowly, Niall and me. He still has his flat in London, but has been spending weekends with us in Brighton, getting to know Allegra. It may not have been the ideal way to start a relationship, but we’ve muddled through as best we can.
And when I watch him painting with her, seeing his kind patience as he talks softly and makes her giggle, I can’t help but fall in love with him all over again.
“Has there been any news on the adoption?”
“The wheels are slowly turning.” I’m momentarily distracted as I watch Allegra run too close to the sea. She screams and runs away again, the bottom of her jeans stained dark blue by the water. She waves at me and I wave back, my grin matching hers. “Rafiya says a few more months and we’ll be there. I can’t wait.” I want that piece of paper, the one that says Allegra’s mine. Until then I’ll still be a little edgy.
“That’s great. We’ll have to start planning that party. Any excuse for a knees-up.” I can hear the smile in her voice. “What are you guys doing this weekend?”
“We’re off to Essex tomorrow to visit my parents for lunch.” Another side effect of my fostering Allegra; a rapprochement of sorts with my mum and dad. They’ve fallen in love with her, seized the opportunity to be grandparents as if it’s their only chance. “We’re at the beach now. Allegra’s chasing the waves.”
“That sounds perfect.”
“I forgot to tell you, I saw Simon last week. He drove down to Brighton for the day.” I smile when I remember his visit. We had a few last things to hash out, but decided to take the paperwork to the beach. He drank tea from a thermos flask and we ate sandwiches wrapped in foil. He looked a bit out of place but I think he enjoyed it.
“Really? How is he?” Though Lara was never that close to Simon, she knows he’s always been kind to me.
“He seems pretty good. He’s bought a weekend place in Scotland, some kind of hunting lodge or something. Oh, and he’s got a girlfriend.” Saying the word makes me smile. Simon seems a little too staid to have a girlfriend, but that’s what he called her. Apparently she runs the estate agency that managed his purchase, which
explains why he’s visiting Scotland nearly every weekend. He seems happy, content, and there’s a light in his eyes I haven’t seen for a while. That fact alone makes me like this new development very much.
“A girlfriend? Wow. I didn’t expect that.” I hear shuffling in the background, as if she’s walking into another room. “I’d better go. Max is waking up. I’ll call you back tonight.”
“Okay, speak soon.” I hang up and put my phone down. Most of our calls end this way. Either Max wakes up or Allegra needs help with something. We rarely get to say goodbye.
* * *
An hour later, the beach is getting busier with couples out for their afternoon walk, their dogs bounding across the pebbles, chasing waves and sticks. A group of teenagers pull open cans of drink and play music on their phones.
It’s probably time to go home. I stand up to walk over to Allegra, but my legs refuse to move.
He’s here.
He walks up the beach, sunglasses covering his beautiful, bright blue eyes. The seaside breeze wafts at his hair, pushing it back from his face. I want to run over and tear the glasses from him, to look deep inside and see what he’s feeling. But I’m anchored to the spot.
Niall smiles as he approaches. I don’t know if his gaze is on me or not, but mine doesn’t waver.
“Hi.” He comes to a stop a few feet away, and stuffs his hands into his pockets, rocking awkwardly back and forth. “I hope you don’t mind, I thought I might find you here.”
Mind? Is he crazy? A huge grin splits my mouth and I launch myself at him, hurling myself into his arms. He catches me, laughing, and the next moment his lips are on mine. I don’t care that we’re on the beach, or that everybody can see us, I just want to kiss him.
When we finally pull back, both of us breathless, there’s still a smile on his face.
“How come you’re back so early?”
“We finished up yesterday so I changed my ticket. They had me on standby. I didn’t tell you in case it fell through.” He pushes his hair out of his eyes and I notice how long it’s grown. His jaw is dark with stubble, as though he hasn’t shaved in a while. He looks like the artist he is.
“So, I have some news,” I say.
He tips his head to the side, scrutinising me through narrowed eyes. “What kind of news?”
“My divorce came through.”
In the end we agreed that Simon would file on the grounds of my adultery. It was either that or wait for two years, something neither of us wanted to do. A clean break was best for all of us—and less confusing for Allegra. Now Simon’s found somebody else, hopefully it’s good for him, too.
“Really?” Niall pulls me against him again and we both start to laugh. “I can’t believe it, I thought it would take longer.” His enthusiasm is infective and warming inside. “We should do something to celebrate. Champagne or something.”
I look over at Allegra, who’s staring out at the sea. She hasn’t noticed him yet. If she had, he’d know about it. “Allegra wants to buy a hamster.”
“The perfect way to celebrate,” he says. “Champagne, balloons and a hamster. All the Hollywood stars are doing it.”
We grin at each other for a moment. The laughter lines around his eyes look deep and well used. I like that a lot.
He takes my face between his hands, his palms warm against my cheeks. It’s as if he’s going to kiss me, and I feel my breath catch in my throat. Instead, he leans forward until his forehead touches mine, and I’m staring into ocean-blue eyes.
It’s more intimate than a kiss. More baring. Because he’s staring at me as if he’s searching for something, and I’m desperate for him to find it.
“Does that mean we can talk about us? Our future?”
I throw my arms around his neck and pull him close. We’ve held back from any big discussions, at least while Allegra was adjusting to all the changes. But now I’m no longer married to Simon, I know it’s time to talk about us.
From the corner of my eye I spot Allegra watching the two of us with her back to the sea and her hands on her hips. Then she starts running, her hair flying out behind her, her skirt whipping around her knees. By the time she’s made it across the pebbles she’s out of breath, her cheeks pink from the wind and exertion. Like me, she runs at Niall, and he’s holding his arms open ready to catch her.
I burn inside when I see him grab hold of her, burying his face in her hair as she clings to him.
“You’re back, you’re back!” She starts to babble. “You said you wouldn’t be back ’til next week. I’ve got so much to tell you. I’ve got a new best friend and I’m going to be in a dance recital and I’m going to get a rabbit.”
“A hamster,” I correct her, my voice deadpan.
“And we’re having fish and chips tonight and eating them on the sofa while we watch Britain’s Got Talent. Beth says we can split a portion between us and we still won’t manage it all.” She pulls back from him and frowns. “I suppose we’ll have to buy two now.”
“It’s okay, I’ll buy them.” He sounds very serious, and I love that. “Shall I get cakes as well, or is that too much?”
She looks up again and I shrug. Another thing the therapist said. Let her make some decisions. Give her a sense of security, make her feel she is in charge of her own life.
Within reason. Always within reason.
“Um, okay. I guess cakes will be nice.”
“That’s grand. I’ll go out at six for cakes and chips all ready to get my ears blasted off.” He looks up and smiles at me. “Is that okay with you?”
“It sounds perfect,” I reply.
“Wait a minute,” Allegra says. “How did you know we were on the beach? How did you manage to find us?”
He reaches forward and gently pushes her hair away from her eyes. She doesn’t flinch. In fact his touch makes her smile. “I’ll always find you, beautiful. If I have to knock on every single door in town I promise I’ll find you. For as long as you want to be found.”
His words are better than a thousand I-love-yous, as sweet as a hundred kisses. Allegra steals the words out of my mouth when she whispers her response.
“I definitely want to be found.”
* * *
Allegra goes to bed after an evening of terrible singing and even worse impersonations, and I make sure she cleans her teeth well enough to make up for the sugared doughnuts we all devoured. She asks Niall to read her a story and I linger in the doorway, listening to his soft, lilting voice as he impersonates all the characters.
When he’s finished she tells him about her dancing classes and asks him if he can come to her recital. He kisses the top of her head and promises he will.
I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything more beautiful than the two people I care about the most falling in love with each other. I’m so fiercely protective of Allegra, it’s taken a lot for me to let him break through, but I’m so glad I did. Because standing here, watching the two of them, I can’t think of anything I want more than for us to be a family.
Later, after we’ve put the dishes away and Niall’s checked every lock he can find, we climb the narrow, steep stairs to my tiny bedroom, squeezing past the chest of drawers and the wardrobe to get to the bed. A sudden shyness overcomes me, as if the months he’s been away have made everything awkward and new. I sit down on the mattress, fingers clutching at the coverlet.
Everything has been leading up to this point. I’ve been working so hard to settle Allegra down, and then there was my divorce and Niall’s show. We’ve never really talked about what happens next, where we go from here. Never had the luxury to think about “us”.
Right now it’s all I can think about. As he stands at the window, staring out into the inky night, I find myself worrying whether he knows what he’s letting himself in for. If he realises how hard it can be, especially when something reminds Allegra of Daisy and she retreats into a stubborn, angry shell.
“What can you see?” I ask him. The muscles beneath hi
s t-shirt ripple as he twists to look at me.
“The moon. It’s beautiful. Big and round like a dinner plate. All it needs is a cow jumping over it.” He holds his hand out. “Come and look.”
I walk to the window and he stands behind me, his arms wrapped around my waist, body pressed against my back. I feel warm and safe. Cocooned. A tiny sigh escapes my lips as I stare out at the night.
He’s right, it’s beautiful. The moon hangs low in the blue-black sky, a pale yellow disc surrounded by a peppering of stars. It’s so pretty it could almost be a painting. I crane my head to look at Niall, about to tell him how perfect it is, but then I see the expression on his face, intense and hot.
His lips meet mine, tongue slip-sliding inside. I curve my body into his, needing to get closer. Threading my fingers in his dark hair, I pull gently, making him gasp. He trails kisses along my jaw, down my neck, nipping at the skin softly as he moves. When I close my eyes, I can feel the need tugging at my stomach as his hand brushes against my breasts, my head falling back onto the cold windowpane. Placing his hands on my hips, he pulls me up until my legs are wrapped around his waist. I have to hold on to his hard biceps, steadying myself as he continues to scrape his teeth across my skin.
It’s so overwhelming, this need to be with him, to have this connection. He carries me to the bed—no more than a couple of steps—placing me gently down before climbing on top of me. That’s when desperation takes over, urgent fingers fumbling with buttons, awkward hands yanking at shirts.
We’re skin on skin, my breasts pressed to his chest, and I take a moment to marvel at how wonderful it feels. It’s a sensation I want to keep forever, like a wrinkled and folded snapshot I can carry around in my wallet. When his mouth dips down, capturing a nipple between his soft lips, desire obliterates everything else.
Niall pushes inside me, kissing me soundly to swallow my cries. We take it slowly, hands exploring, lips moving together like we can’t bear to be apart. I squeeze my eyes shut as pleasure radiates from me, my body tightening around him like I can’t bear to let him go. Then I hear his breath catch in his throat. He freezes above me, and I open my lids to see his own eyes squeezed tightly shut as he tries not to cry out.