Here's Looking For You, Grim (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 3)

by Robert P. Wills

  “Say either of you have a towel?” A voice asked from the shadows. “Or a spare set of breeches?”

  Both Halflings jumped as they turned toward the voice of the interloper. It was not who they were expecting. At all.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Grimbledung- Slipperier When Wet

  Leaves finished oiling down Grimbledung. “That felt great. You know, you should open a place where folk could come for a hot oil rub-down. Add some steam baths even. No eating them at the end though. That’d really hurt your repeat customers. You’d have people coming from all ‘round.” He waggled his ears. “You could call it the Elvin Treatment.”

  “Man, I’m going to put an apple in your mouth and I want it to stay there.” Teeth reached for the mallet again.

  “Fine, fine. Just trying to be helpful is all,” said Grimbledung quickly. “I’ll sit here quietly with an apple in my mouth.” To show his good faith, he opened his mouth wide. “Ahhhh” he said.

  Teeth took a large apple from a basket- a dark green one this time- and shoved it in. As it stuck, Grimbledung’s teeth broke the skin and the juices ran into his mouth. “at’s art!”

  Leaves narrowed his eyes but left the mallet in place. “I’m checking on the oven. Just sit and marinate, man.”

  Grimbledung nodded furiously at the Elf. He wanted nothing else than for him to leave.

  With a nod of his own, Leaves ducked under the curtain.

  As soon as the curtain fluttered back into place, Grimbledung bit down on the apple, letting half of it fall onto the platter. As he chewed, he worked his hands back and forth. After only a moment, they slipped out of the ropes. He grabbed the apple and took another bite. He pushed himself onto his knees and untied his feet. Finishing off the apple between one and the other. “Sorry Leaves, I hate to eat and run, but it’s better than eat and get eaten.” He picked up the small sack of royal spices and hung it around his neck. “Thanks for the spices.” He swung off the table, the platter clattering under him as we did so. He looked back at the mallet. It was, for all intents and purposes, a potentially lethal weapon. He shrugged and selected two apples instead. Peaking under the curtain as he bit into an apple, and seeing the coast clear, he moved around the building. In the opposite direction of Skies who came around the corner just has he ducked behind it.

  Love and MoonBeam stepped onto the large platform that was The Commons. The Elf setting the table turned and waved to them. He held up three fingers then pointed between the larger and prep-house.

  MoonBeam nodded at him. “So now there’s three of them? What’d we miss?”

  “I heard that there’s a Trolless, a Gnoll, and a Shambler over at Yakoub’s rope-ladder.” He pointed toward a platform just off The Commons, not thirty paces away.

  “That sounds like the start of a joke,” said MoonBeam.

  Love nodded. “Yeah. So you see, there’s this Trolless, and a Gnoll, and a Shambler, and they’re standing by this step ladder that leads to a trap door.”

  “Yeah?”

  The two padded across The Commons towards the larder. “And the Gnoll says, ‘should we knock or just go on up?’”

  MoonBeam glanced at her mate. She had no idea where the joke was going.

  Love chuckled. “And the Shambler says ‘Either is fine by me; I just want to get going. This whole situation kind of makes me sad, standing by this stepladder like this’.”

  “Oh, man,” said MoonBeam as she braced herself for the punch line.

  “And the Trolless says ‘why does it make you sad to be with this stepladder?’ And the Shambler says ‘Well I got this nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.’” Love grinned.

  MoonBeam shook her head. “Oh, Love.” She pulled the curtain of the larder back and tossed the sack in. It thrashed on the floor but stayed in place, thanks to the Halfling being hogtied and inside the sack. As she let the curtain drop, she held a finger to her lips. Love nodded. She pointed between the larder and the prep-house. Love nodded again and moved between the two buildings, MoonBeam close behind. When they got to the corner they stopped to listen.

  “Say either of you have a towel?” Grimbledung asked. A better idea came to him. “Or a spare set of breeches?”

  Both of the Halflings jumped as they turned toward him.

  “You!” Said Righty. “Grab him!” The two Halflings lurched forward to grab their wayward Gnome. Their hands slipped off his oily skin. “Lord High Priest, what is going on?” He tried again and again wasn’t able to get a grip.

  Grimbledung ducked and pushed against the Halflings. Their hands slipping off his oily marinade. Somehow in the process, he ended up with a mallet in his hand. His other still held the apple. “Hah!” He said as he thrust his hands in the air. “Well, I’d love to stay, but I really need to get going.” He swung the mallet at the Halflings, making them duck.

  The two Halflings tried in vain to hold on to the Gnome but it was no use. Between his oily skin, and the swinging mallet, they were helpless as he turned and ran from them. “I’m going to kill that stinking Gnome,” said Righty. He wiped his hands on his breeches. “Let’s go after him.”

  Love and MoonBeam stepped around the corner in between the escaping Gnome and the two Halflings. After all, where’s a naked Halfling going to hide? thought MoonBeam. She reached down and grabbed the taller of the two Halflings by the collar. “Welcome to TreeTop City. We’d love for you to stay for dinner. Love?”

  Love grabbed the other Halfling as he turned to make a break for it.

  The two Elves easily picked up the flailing Halflings and turned towards the front of the prep-house.

  Leaves crossed The Commons on his way back to the prep-house. The oven was roaring. All that he needed to do was put the Gnome in. Things were looking up. He nodded at the Elf who was placing napkins on the table. “Bad news, Leaves” he said.

  “What, man?” With his Elf ears, he didn’t need to move to his fellow Elf to converse with him. He had heard rumors of some intruders but since he was on kitchen duty, he didn’t spend a lot of time listening. There was a certain Gnome that needed roasting.

  “That Gnome?”

  “Yeah?”

  “He’s made a break for it.”

  “Centaur Tails. I’m back to bein’ a Marmiton if I lose him. Where’s he gone, man?”

  The Elf pointed towards the larder as MoonBeam and Love stepped around the corner of it. They were each holding a struggling Halfling.

  “Say. Things might be looking up.” Leaves waved at the place setter and jogged over to the couple. “What’s going on, man?”

  “The Gnome’s making a run for it. Can’t expect he’ll get far,” said MoonBeam.

  “Centaur Tail Soup.”

  “But we got ya some Halflin’s that you can start with while we go collect your Gnome.”

  “Really? Man! Let’s get them inside. The fire’s already going. I’m going to lose the flames if I don’t get something in there quick.” He pulled the curtain back on the prep-house. There was a bag trashing on the floor. “Wow,” he said. “I love you two.” As the trio of Elves stepped into the building, Leaves searched for his mallet. It was missing. “That was my favorite mallet!” He looked around the room and spied a substantial stick in a basket by the door. It was well on the way to becoming a nice club after a little shaping and polishing. He shrugged as he picked up the unfamiliar stick and beat the sack several times with it. The sack stopped moving. He turned to the two wide-eyed Halflings.

  “Can we talk this over?” Asked the larger of the two.

  “No way, Man. That’s how this started in the first place,” he said to the Halfling. He looked at his fellow Elves, “Hold them still while prep some Sesos.” He raised the stick high above his head.

  Skies couldn’t help but smile when he recognized the instrument of their demise.

  Grimbledung ran frantically. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but any place was better than back with the two Halfli
ngs. As he turned onto a bridge, he kept to the middle of it, mallet in one hand, apple in the other. As he exited the end of the bridge, he almost ran into an Elf. “Good evening, good Elf,” he said as he skidded to a stop. “Here’s an apple,” he handed the apple to the Elf- who had been watching him gleefully the entire time. Grimbledung waved and ran off.

  “Thanks naked Gnome dude,” said the Elf. “It’s like an appetizer being served by the main course! Cool.” He took a bite of the apple as he watched the once-again-running Gnome. “Hey! Bouncing Gnome butt!” He pointed. “Hey naked Gnome, look out where you’re going!” Called the Elf.

  Grimbledung looked around him. There were enough torches going that he could just barely see in front of him. There seemed to be another bridge ahead. He lowered his head and tried to pick up speed. Suddenly, the wood planking disappeared from beneath him. The Gnome-sized Grimbledung fell easily through the Elf-sized hatch. As he tumbled through the air, his hand brushed a rope. Twice he almost grabbed it as he went. Finally he threw his mallet downward and flailed with both hands for the rope. At last, he got the rope in his hands. Thanks to the oil on them, his decent didn’t slow. He swung his legs down and wrapped them around the rope. He slowed slightly as the oil burned off his hands and thighs. He braced for a bone-jarring impact. “Look out!” He heard a familiar Gnoll voice say. “Three on a rope’s back luck.” The rope bucked. Twice.

  “Hey!” He heard a familiar female voice from below.

  He hazarded a look downward as he sped down the rope. Nulu came into sight just as he crashed directly atop her head. She was holding a mallet and rubbing her head. Now, his momentum knocked the two of them to the ground. Grimbledung on top. Much to his delight.

  “Where in the blue teats of Sheba did you come from?” Nulu looked up at Grimbledung. “And what are you covered in?”

  Grimbledung grabbed Nulu’s shoulder armor and slid back and forth on her breastplates. “Pretty neat huh? I’m all lubed up!” He got a glint in his eye. “All lubed up.”

  “Grimbledung Sixtoes esquire!” Said RatShambler, “stop molesting Nulu!” He turned to the Gnoll. “Klank!”

  Klank obliged by reaching down and grabbing the still-sliding back and forth Gnome. His hand slipped off Grimbledung’s back. “What? Who oiled you down?”

  “The cook,” said Grimbledung. He had stopped sliding around, but was still laying on top of her. Nulu raised the mallet and took aim at his head with it. He slid off her. “Said I was supposed to marinate in it. Seemed like a nice enough fellow. When he wasn’t trying to cook me.”

  “Anyone follow you?” Asked Nulu as she stood. She tossed the mallet to the Gnome. “You forgot your hammer.”

  “Hey you! Stand still!” an Elf shouted from above.

  “When I say things like that, I get my ear wacked. Why does she get away with it?” Grimbledung waved his mallet at Nulu. “Double standard, that.”

  “I say it is time to go,” said Klank. He was looking up at the hatchway. “They’re comin’ down.”

  The rope began to buck and sway as Elves clambered onto it.

  RatShambler crouched down, “Nulu, Grim, get on, you two!” He looked at the Gnoll, “Are you going to be able to keep up?”

  Klank dropped to all fours and loped off, “It’s the other way around!” He called over his shoulder as he disappeared into the darkness.

  Nulu climbed on then reached down for Grimbledung’s hand to pull him up. It just slipped out of her hand. “For the love off…”

  Grimbledung tried to climb onto RatShambler- he was too slick to get any sort of footing. “Gah! I can’t get up!” He wailed. “I can’t get up!” He dropped the mallet and tried with both hands. “I CAN’T GET UUUUUP!”

  Nulu dropped off RatShambler and got on all fours, “Use me to get up!”

  Grimbledung took a step forward, then froze in place.

  “What?” Nulu looked up at the Gnome. His eyes were locked on her. Breastplates, that is.

  “Wow.”

  “Get up there!”

  Grimbledung obliged by hopping onto Nulu’s back. Between that extra height and RatShambler kneeling down, he managed to get onto his back. “Ooohh! I’m up! Let’s go! LET’S GO!!”

  Nulu hopped to her feet and climbed on as well. “Let’s go!”

  Chapter Thirty

  Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Forest?

  “Say, shouldn’t I be riding in back?” Grimbledung waggled his ears as he looked back at the Trolless.

  Nulu slapped him on the head, “Not a chance I’m going to let you get a free groping! It’s bad enough we aren’t able to get you clothed before making a run for it.”

  Grimbledung giggled. “Really and truly, it’s the Elves fault. They took my clothes you know. It wasn’t voluntary!”

  “I’ll bet.”

  “Honest! They made me all nakedly and I had no part in it.”

  “No part?”

  “Well, besides getting nakedly and all. But I had no part in it.”

  “I find that hard to believe.”

  “Well, now that you mention it...” Grimbledung waggled his ears.

  “I will stop and let those Elves eat us all if this conversation doesn’t end right now!” Warned RatShambler.

  RatShambler lowered his head and moved to a full gallop. After a little, he caught up with Klank. “Told you… you’d …one… keeping up,” he said breathlessly.

  Klank looked over as he loped along easily. “I slowed down for you. Truth be told, I thought I’d lost ya.” Klank gave a wide grin. “You’re not bad for an old Shambler, but that don’t mean much to a Gnoll in his prime.” He didn’t even seem to be breathing hard.

  “Hey! Maybe I should ride Klank so you can run faster!” Offered Grimbledung. “Since I’m just riding over here,” he added sourly.

  Klank shook his head. “Last thing I need is a naked, oiled up Gnome on my back.” He made the distance between him and RatShambler a little more as he ran.

  “Say, we goin’ the right direction?” Nulu asked.

  Klank looked around. “Looks like it. We’re heading back the way we came, so that’s a good thing.”

  Nulu craned her neck around. “Anyone following us?”

  “I’ll go have a look-see,” said Klank, “just keep goin’ straight. I’ll catch back up.” He suddenly veered to the right and doubled-back without losing hardly any speed at all.

  “Show off”

  “You’re doing great Rat!” Said Grimbledung. Thanks to the oil, he wasn’t able to get a good grip on RatShambler’s mane, so he slid back and forth on his back.

  “I think I’m going to need a long bath after this.”

  “Me too,” said Nulu. “Any time you want to relax, Grim, would be fine by me.”

  Grimbledung giggled again. “Naked and oiled up, bouncing along against you? Not likely!”

  The three moved in silence for a while, as RatShambler concentrated on the path ahead of him- which was more like a path that had been cleared off years ago and the forest had since begun to reclaim it.

  Klank appeared suddenly at RatShambler’s side. “They aren’t following us.”

  “So I got away fair and square. Think they’re the types to hold a grudge?”

  “Grim, if I were you, I’d not come to the forest again for a good fifty years,” offered Nulu. “So why are they giving up on us so easily? They have to have mounts?”

  “I heard one say he was going back to eat. Seems they have three Halflings cooking up.”

  “Well nuts. You know, Righty wasn’t so bad. We should go back for him.”

  “Grim, he was taking you to Halfling City so you could be impaled for all to watch.”

  “Well, that doesn’t make him a bad person. Maybe he’d made a great neighbor. Or something.”

  “I’m not… turning …around,” panted RatShambler. “We slow down?”

  Klank chuckled at the Shambler, “I think we can,” he said. He still wasn’t breathing hard- much to R
at’s annoyance.

  The two slowed to a walk. “Better,” said Rat as he took in deep breaths.

  Klank tilted his head back and let out a long series of howls.

  “What was that for?”

  “I’m asking the wolves to keep an eye out for any Elves moving our direction,” he said to Nulu. “Just in case.”

  “Good plan,” said Nulu. She slipped off RatShambler’s back.

  “What’d you do that for?” Whined Grimbledung.

  “Because I think you’ve bounced your head off my breastplates enough for one day.”

  Grimbledung frowned, then brightened. “Wait. For today? So tomorrow’s still open?”

  She shook her fist at the Gnome. “I’d wring your neck if you weren’t so slippery right now.” Then she smiled genuinely at him. “I am glad we found you. When you went over the wall at Frank’s Keep, Drimblerod thought the worst happened.”

  Grimbledung nodded. “It would have too. I was about to become a delicious feast, you know. Dee-licious.”

  RatShambler shook his shoulders, “You a delicious feast? That’s got to be some marinade. I’d expect you to be all gamy and full of gristle.”

  Grimbledung licked his fingers. “I think I taste great.” He licked his arm. “You know, it’s been a long time since I had a proper meal. What’ve we got to eat? Anything good?”

  Klank moved over and nipped at Grimbledung’s heel. “Anything good? Anything good? I’m part of this band and you ask if there is anything good to eat?”

  “What I meant was, is there anything already prepared that I could perhaps nibble on. I’ve had some old onions and two apples for most of a week.”

  “Well, once we’re in a safer part of the forest, we’ll stop and see about making camp.” Nulu glanced over at him. “And see if we can’t get you something to wear.”

  “I’m all right.” Grimbledung waved his hand dismissively. “Communing with nature. And all that stuff.”

  “You can commune with nature while you’re dressed.”

  “I’m with Rat,” said Nulu. She looked at Klank. “If we pass a spot you think would work out, we should stop. Rampaging through this forest at night is just going to attract attention that we’re not looking for.”