by Ash Night
Your mother could’ve said no. She could have begged to let you stay home. She could have hugged you goodbye and never let go. But she did nothing! She has everything to do with your current situation.
I baulked. The voice had caught me off guard, hit a low blow. My mother, my only loving caregiver, had meant everything to me. She had loved me, given me my first toy, bought me candy bars, taught me how to ride a bike, put stickers on my lunchbox that spelled out ‘I LOVE MOM’ on the front. My father only punished me. My mother loved me.
I hope she still did.
Chapter 15
I’d managed to avoid Eli until dinner that evening. My stomach was playing Benedict Arnold. I had to eat and I had to ask Eli to imagine something to eat. As much as I hated that fact. He was standing by a small, sleek black buffet table full of delicious meats and other assorted food, meeting my eyes as if expecting me.
“Forgiveness dinner?” I asked, sitting in the chair he had pulled out for me. He pushed my chair in and then walked to the head of the table where he sat.
“Uh, you might say that.” Eli grinned weakly. It didn’t have the usual force behind it. He was hiding something.
“Wanna talk about something?” I asked. I figured he wasn’t going to say anything either way, but maybe if I invited it he’d be more inclined to talk to me.
Eli shook his head, trying with all his might to resurrect his usual dopey grin. “Nope,”
I sighed, pushing away from the table and standing up. “Eli, spill it.”
“Or what?” he challenged, standing up as well, his body tense as if poised for a fight.
“I won’t eat.” My eyes met his gaze head-on, arms across my chest. “I’ll go on a hunger strike.”
I didn’t expect his reaction. His face fell and he got a far-away look in his eyes. He looked like he wasn’t coming back any time soon. I instantly felt guilt eating at my insides. I was so focused on his stillness, his voice made me jump when he finally spoke.
“My sister, my older sister,”
“What about her?” I asked. I remembered writing about Eli’s older sister recently, but it was a brief scene, only a couple hundred words. I didn’t remember anything very unique about her. Her name was Renae and she had curly, stringy red hair and green eyes.
“She had anorexia,”
“Ana-what?”
“Anorexia took my sister when I was four. I was only four, but even I could see she was suffering. She had all these things she would do at dinner. She would cut her food into tiny pieces, tap her left foot constantly while she chewed, hide food in her pockets. All these crazy things. I used to think it was because dinner was usually the only time my father cooked and my sister was vegetarian. But then one night I went downstairs in my pajamas, I had on the ones with the feet, you know, so my parents wouldn’t hear me.” He stopped.
I stood as frozen as he was, waiting for him to continue. Renae was dead, I knew that much, but hearing Eli tell the whole story was heartbreaking.
“I…I wasn’t the only one up.” Eli’s breath came out in a shudder. “Renae was up. She was hidden by the fridge door. I was standing in the doorway as she closed the door. Her arms were full of food. She looked startled like a deer in headlights. I smiled. ‘You’re eating!’ I said. She nodded, trying to smile. I got my glass of water. She made me a salami and cheese sandwich with mayo, my favorite, before I went to bed.
‘You’re the best sandwich maker in the world, Renae!’
She laughed and messed up my hair. ‘You’re so funny, Eli. You’re only saying that ‘cuz it’s your favorite.’
“’Not true, ‘ I had told her. ‘It’s really good!’
‘Well, finish up, it’s late and all four-year-olds have to be in bed before midnight or the monsters will eat them!’
‘Nu-uh, you’re making that up. Why do you get to stay up so late then?’
‘The monsters don’t like fat girls like me, Eli.’ I started to say how she wasn’t fat, how she was skinnier than Mom, but she pulled the covers over my head before I could. I wiggled out to look at her.
‘Love ya, kid. Stay strong and the monsters won’t get ya,’ she smiled, walking out the door.
‘Don’t let the monsters get you, too’ Those were the last words I ever said to her.”
“Oh, Eli…” I was at a loss for words.
Eli continued as if I weren’t even there. In fact, that was how he’d been telling the whole story, repeating it to himself. “But at four years old I hadn’t realized the monsters had already gotten to her. They had always been there, telling her she was fat, that she didn’t deserve to eat, that if she ate there wouldn’t be any food left for the rest of us. The next morning, my mother was hugging my father, sobbing hysterically in the kitchen. I asked what was wrong.
My father looked at me with the coldest look he’d ever given me and said, ‘did you get up in the middle of the night?’ I asked him why that mattered. ‘That’s not what I asked,’ he barked. ‘Did you get up in the middle of the goddamn night?’
’Yes,’ I had replied in a small voice. I remember I could barely speak. My father’s glare made my vocal chords freeze. He was so mad…”
“Mad? Why would he be mad at you? You got up in the middle of the night. So what?”
Eli looked right at me for the first time since he’d begun speaking. “She died, Zoe. She cut herself deep enough. All because I saw her sneaking food.”
“Why?” I asked. “Why would she do that because of you?”
“The monsters told her she could eat in secret. As long as no one saw her, she was fine. I saw her and she lost control.”
“But you were four! You couldn’t have possibly known!”
He looked down at the floor again. “My parents always told me never to get up in the middle of the night, even piss my bed if I have to. She died all because I needed a glass of water, Zoey! A fucking glass of water!” He shouted, his eyes wild with anger.
Without a word, I hugged him, burying my face in his jacket. “It’s okay, Eli. I’m sorry. I’ll eat as much as you want me to. Just please don’t blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Thank you, Zoey. Thank you for eating.”
Later, after a full meal, I sat curled up next to Eli by the fire, his arm draped around me. “So now what?” I asked.
“You know, that is a very unladylike thing to say. You have a boyfriend.” He grinned.
“I know that, Mr. Eli. I meant what do you want to do in terms of platonic fun?” I grinned back.
“Oh!” he replied as if he hadn’t known what I meant. “Well, we could stay here and still do completely platonic things. Shall I serenade you, my princess?”
I nodded. “I think that counts as platonic.”
“I must warn you, my voice is sometimes described as very unplatonic.” Eli raised both eyebrows.
I laughed. “Who told you that, Sky?”
“Well, hey, when a cat is all a man has-“
“Ew! Do not want to hear it!” I giggled, running away. My ankle was almost completely healed so I could run at a normal pace. Nevertheless, Eli still beat me.
He glided to the doorway, U-turning to catch me. “Don’t worry. Your precious Eli is still a virgin.”
“You and Elena never?”
“Nope, Elena was a perfect Girl Scout.”
I hugged him. “I’m impressed.”
“My charms don’t affect you, do they? If they did, you’d be in my bed now.”
I blushed. “They affect me, Eli, but I do have a boyfriend.”
“I bet he can’t do this,” Eli replied smugly, proceeding to walk up a wall and stand on the ceiling, his hair falling to the apparently selective rules of gravity.
“How are you doing that?” I giggled.
“I rule AngelRose. I can do whatever I want.”
“Apparently,” I watched as he kicked off the ceiling to do a backflip, landing perfectly on his feet. “Jake can definitely not do that,”
Eli grinned. “I win,”
I smiled. “Can I walk on the ceiling, too?”
“If you want,”
“All it takes is faith, trust, and pixie dust, right?”
“No, that’s to fly. To walk on the ceiling, all you have to do is walk.”
“Just like that?” I asked, taking a cautionary step on the bare stone of the castle. I grinned. This was so cool! “Hi,” I replied, waving to him upside-down.
Eli grinned. “See how easy that is?”
“It is so cool!” I said, walking down. I was getting dizzy from being upside-down and sat down on the couch. Eli coughed. “Are you sick?”
“No…” Eli said, sitting down beside me. It was the most unconvincing thing I’d ever heard. I felt his forehead. I was surprised he looked as healthy as he did. His forehead was scalding.
“Let me take off your jacket,”
Eli chuckled. “Is this the fever making me hallucinate?”
“No, I don’t want to do that, idiot. Now, seriously, let me take it. You’re too hot. We should get you into a cold bath.”
“No, I won’t let you have my jacket.” Eli’s voice had changed. He was serious now, defensive.
I was getting frustrated. “Why not?”
“Because I got hurt and I don’t want you to see,” he told me.
“You’re sick. You need my help, please.”
"No!" Eli shouted..
I felt tears spring to my eyes. “I…I want to go home! I want to leave this stupid place!” The words were out before I even realized what I had said. I didn’t mean it, did I?
“Fine, then! Go home! I don’t want you here anyway!” Eli got up and he ran down the hall, stumbling a few times, but even then, I wasn’t able to catch up with him. He was gone.
I tore out of the house, wearing nothing but a thin tee and shorts. It was freezing like it was the middle of winter. Wind clawed its icy fingers into me. I jogged to keep warm, hoping to find Eli soon. I suddenly thought of Elena. Instead of Eli saying something to hurt me, I’d done that to him. Sent him over the edge.
I knew exactly where to find him.
Chapter 16
Every time I itched my arm, a throbbing pain stabbed at me. My vision was beginning to blur. I had no idea how I was still on my feet. The sound of my labored breathing seemed like an invader in the quiet depths of the forest. Every step, every crunch of grass beneath my feet, was like a gunshot. I winced as my arm seemed to light on fire. It was inflamed, swollen, and I wanted to itch it until it bled.
Elijah, just let your inner monster out. It can get rid of that nasty itch. You know it can. Why you haven't done it sooner is beyond me. The voice cooed softly to me. I was surprised. I hadn't heard from it since that night I had the Zoey/Elena nightmare.
"It won't go back in its cage without a fight," I answered numbly.
How far do you think you'll get? You can barely see straight. You can't take five steps without stumbling. You're bound to black-out sooner or later.
"I just need to be able to reach the cliffs." I gasped in pain as my lungs seemed to collapse.
Suit yourself. Be an idiot and leave Zoey alone with no way to get home.
My lungs filled with air painfully. "She'll do it the same way she came. She has to want to go home. She does and probably...already has." I coughed, pulling back my hand to reveal blood.
I don't think she has.
"Just quit talking! Of course she has! It's all she's wanted for two weeks! She just didn't know how to tell me until I pissed her off enough to make her blurt it out!" My yelling only succeeded in making me cough harder. I doubled over, my stomach feeling as though it was caving in on itself. Thunder boomed overhead.
At last, my eyes fell on my salvation. The cliffs. They seemed to be calling me, begging me to jump. I wondered what made me so sure it would work. I'd jumped off this cliff dozens of times, but it hadn't worked. Why would this time be any different?
Because now my life was really over. Zoey had no need for me. What was I to her? A boy in a dream, in a dream world she was never meant to be in. I had nothing to offer her. The voice was right. I couldn't give her what she needed. I was nothing to her. Zoey was a princess meant to live in the land of the living. I was a prince living in a land of the dead.
"Eli! Please don't do this! I'm sorry! I never meant to hurt you!" Zoey screamed, running to me, her eyes streaming with tears. Fire encased in rain fell slowly from the sky. She stared up at it in wonder for a moment. It was just the right ratio of fire and water so that it fizzled out when it hit her.
"You want to leave! You just didn't have the guts to say it before!" I yelled, feeling tears in my own eyes, but I refused to let them fall. I wanted to be free. I wanted to be free of everything. Fear. Pain. Love. I just needed it to go away.
"I do. I do want to leave...but I was hoping maybe....you would come with." Zoey admitted.
I laughed. "Come with you and do what? Watch as you and your boyfriend get married?"
"I don't know if I'll ever marry Jake, Eli! Just please don't go. I need you."
"Need me? You don't need me. You need someone normal. You need someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved. You need someone the complete opposite of me!" Thunder punctuated my statement.
Zoey looked into my eyes, her face the very definition of heartbroken. I was torn between rushing to hug her and jumping off the cliffs. "Eli, I need you!"
"You ripped my heart out! I'd rather be alone! You never should have come! I don't need you!" Those words were a lie the moment they fell out of my mouth, but I needed to break her heart. I needed her to see she didn't need me. That she needed someone better.
"W-what?" Zoey began to cry harder. That's when I took my chance. I flung myself off the cliff, numb to all emotion.
I didn't feel the normal chill of the ocean as it swallowed me up. I sank quickly thanks to my jacket and heavy combat boots. The depths of the ocean were much calmer than the world outside it. I wondered if Elena felt calm as she sank into the darkness of the fear as icy water invaded her lungs. I was holding onto my last breath, deciding to let it fade out slowly, less painfully. I wanted to savor this peaceful moment. I felt happier than I had a few moments ago. But I couldn't say I felt the happiest I've ever felt. For that to be possible, I'd have to travel back in time to the night with Zoey in the rose garden and experience it all over again. Even then, it might not be as good as the first time. But I would love it all the same.
A splash to my left startled me out of my thoughts. An explosion of air bubbles surrounded whatever had made the splash. When they dissipated, my worst fear had been realized. It was Zoey! But why? She knew she couldn't swim!
"Zoey!" I screamed, coughing. Ignoring my nasty swallow of seawater, I swam as fast as I could to her. Her face was pale, her mouth slightly agape, eyes closed. Stupid girl! She must have known a normal human couldn't fall from that height and be able to hold their breath. What was she thinking?
She's alive Elijah. How do you expect to save her, though? You barely have enough air to sustain you, you stupid boy. She'll die and it'll be all your fault. In the end, all girls are like Elena. Willing to jump off the deep end for love, excuse the pun.
I'll save her! Please hang on, Zoey! Don't die because of me! Please! I shook my head to clear my vision as I held Zoey around her waist and began the long, cold journey to the surface. She was getting heavier though and I was tiring fast.
You got what you wanted, Elijah. AngelRose is finally allowing you to die.
I can't die until she's safe...
She'll never be safe with you.
With a final look at the weak moonlight cutting through the water, I blacked out.
Chapter 17
I woke up on the same beach I'd found Eli on the first day in AngelRose. Eli! It was all coming back to me. I'd jumped in to save him which, only after I'd thought about it, struck me as extremely stupid. I knew I couldn't swim, but Eli always made me do
things I seemingly had no control over. I did crazy things. Where was Eli? I looked over to see him beside me, face down in the sand, his hair tangled and covered with sand.
"Eli? Eli! Are you okay?" I turned him over and gently shook him by his shoulder. Oh no. He couldn't be... My brain scrambled to remember how to check if he was alive. I'd taken a first-aid class my freshman year of high school. Why couldn't I remember? What was the point of making it mandatory to take the class if I would forget it when I really needed it? Dammit!
Eli coughed suddenly, seawater spewing out onto the sand. It took him a few minutes to catch his breath. “Zoey? You’re okay?”
“Yeah, I’m not the one who willing jumped off a cliff,” I instantly blushed. That’s exactly what I’d done. Eli grinned. “You know what I mean! I did it to…save you…be with you, I guess. It can’t be fun to die alone.”
“I was where I wanted to be. I’m only alive because I had to save you.” Eli looked at me with a mix of worry and anger.
“Well, I’m sorry I ruined the death of possibly the only friend I have.” I got up and walked up the beach. That statement painfully reminded me of everything those damn crazy pills took from me. I had no one if Eli left me. Jake and I were drifting apart. I could feel it as easy as I could feel the wind biting at my back. I would be alone.
"Zoey, wait! Please!" Eli stumbled getting up. I could hear him fall back down on the sand and I couldn't help but turn to face him. He looked so helpless, kneeling there in the sand. So human.
I stood there, waiting for him to say something, anything to break the odd, spell-binding silence that constantly plagued AngelRose. The waves crashed on the shore a few feet from Eli, the spray hitting his back every so often. He didn't seem to notice as he stared at me with those strange, mesmerizing eyes of his, not saying a word, his gaze saying everything. Him kneeling in the sand, this powerful boy looking so small, it was a perfect metaphor for his wordless plea.
He wanted me to stay. He had no one else. Sky was not a human. A cat was no replacement for human companionship, not when it was the only companionship he had day after day. He wanted me, needed me. AngelRose made it seem like all this, every choice made, every item manifested out of nothing, was a game, but it wasn't for Eli. For Eli it was reality. It was a cruel reality he couldn't escape. And he had had to face it alone for so long.