Reckless Devotion
Copyright 2017 by Jennifer Domenico
Formatting by Elaine York, Allusion Graphics, LLC
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior permission of the above copyright owner and publisher of this book.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media and incidents are either the product of the author imagination or are used fictitiously.
License notes
This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite book retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Epilogue
Other Books by Jennifer Domenico
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DRIVING BACK TO MY place, I stare ahead on complete auto-pilot. Leaving him just now was one of the hardest things I’ve done, but it shouldn’t be. It should be easy to walk away from someone so wrong for me. I’ve perfected the art of goodbye, learning how to detach myself from any kind of emotion related to it, but his eyes… damn his eyes. They seemed to sear through my soul. His voice pleading as he said my name lingers in my thoughts. Part of me wants to turn around and tell him I’ll do whatever he wants, but I know I can’t. He’ll take it too far until there’s nothing left of me. In just two weeks, he’s already twisted me so much, I’m questioning everything I thought I knew about myself. I need help with this.
When I get to a stoplight, I dig my phone out of my handbag and dial.
“Hello?”
“Dani? It’s me.”
“Hey. What’s wrong?”
“Can I pick you up for coffee? I need advice.”
“Oh boy. It must be bad if you’re calling me.”
I sigh, knowing why she’s saying that. I don’t confide in her often, but sometimes a girl needs her big sister. “I just need to talk.”
“I’ll have coffee with you.”
“I’ll be there in about ten.”
“Okay.”
Turning left, I head in the direction of my sister’s place. She won’t approve of what I have to tell her, but if I don’t talk to someone, my head will burst. God knows I can’t talk to Sara. Then her head would burst.
When I get to Dani’s place, she’s already waiting outside for me. She waves and jumps in the car, then kisses my cheek.
“Hey, you.” She rubs my back. “You okay?”
“No.”
Dani scrunches her nose. “Okay. Let’s go talk.”
I drive down the street a short way to the nearest coffee shop, park, and then we go inside. After ordering a couple of drinks, we find a table.
“Tell me what’s going on.”
After staring at my coffee cup for a minute, I glance up. “Remember the kryptonite I met a couple of weeks ago?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, well, I just left him, and I guess ended it with him.”
She nods. “But you obviously didn’t want to.”
“No. I had to.”
“Why? Did he do something bad?”
“No. Well, kind of. I don’t know.”
“You’re not making sense, Mia.”
Closing my eyes briefly, I take a deep breath. “I’m gonna tell you stuff that’s probably gonna be shocking, but try to focus on the big picture and not how you feel about it, okay?”
Dani nods with her brow furrowed. “Okay.”
“Okay, so, um, Gabriel is a dom.”
Dani tilts her head. “A dom?”
“Yeah, you know like S & M, dominance and submission. That kind of shit.”
“Oh-kay,” she says, slowly.
“And I’m not submissive.”
“Obviously.”
“Yeah, but I like him, so I played along and did things, agreed to things, that I normally wouldn’t.”
“Like what?”
I shake my head and drag my fingers through my hair. “Like calling him, uh…”
“I won’t judge, Mia.”
“I called him sir and followed commands. We did some pretty kinky shit the last couple of weeks. He told me one night that he wanted me to be his devoted, and I said yes.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“Neither did I, really.” I sip my coffee. “I think it means giving him complete control of my life. I gave him a key to my place and, you know, just agreed to play by his rules. I even crawled and begged for…” I pause again. “You know.”
“Okay. You wanted to?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“Why?”
“That’s the part I’m struggling with. It’s not like me, but even though there was a part of me that was like no fucking way, there was another part that just wanted to try it and see what it would feel like to give up control. I’ve spent my entire adult life taking care of myself. I never needed a man to do anything for me, and then along comes Gabriel, and he’s so commanding and sexy and amazing.” I shake my head. “Honestly, it felt good.”
Dani nods, then sips her coffee, and I can tell she’s thinking about how to respond. “So what happened that has you upset?”
“Last night we, uh, we finally did it, and we went full on dom/sub. I was completely under his command, and it was the most amazing night I’ve ever had.”
“You liked it?”
“Loved it. It was so… hot, he was so… sexy. I was so… vulnerable, but I felt safe and valued.” I blink back the emotion rising. “I never feel safe and valued.”
“Aw, Mia.”
“But then this morning…” I exhale slowly. “When I woke up he had me cuffed to the bed without my knowledge.” I wait for Dani to react strongly, but she just nods. “I got pissed. Really pissed because everything to that point was consensual. Even if it felt forced, I was able to make a decision about it and process it, but he took advantage, and it really upset me.”
“Okay. Let’s talk about that. Why do you think it set you off so much?”
“At first, I was pissed because he was all ominous and demanding, but I guess the truth is it made me realize we were approaching this from two different angles. I thought we were having fun and I was experimenting, but he thought he was changing me. He apologized and tried to get me to stay, and I wanted to. I really wanted to stay.”
“But?”
“He told me how he ended up being like he is, and that’s when I realized it would never work. He’s a full on dom. He needs it to be happy. I can’t give up everything I am for him. I can’t.”
Dani pats my hand. “So you told him you were done?”
“Yeah. I told him that we just weren’t right for each other. He asked for tim
e, but when I asked him why, he said he didn’t know, but he didn’t want it to be over yet.”
“You really like him, don’t you?”
I nod, then sip my coffee. When my eyes fill with tears, it shocks me. I don’t cry, ever, especially over guys. “I don’t know why I’m so sad. I dump guys all the time. I haven’t even known Gabriel that long, so why does it feel so bad?”
“Let’s not focus on that for a minute. Let’s focus on you and why you like him in the first place.”
“He’s incredible, Dani. He’s not like any man I’ve ever met. He can piss me off, but calm me down in a matter of minutes. He pushes me, but I like it. It’s like he brought out this side of me I didn’t even know I had.”
“A submissive side?”
“Yeah, but not even that so much as…” When the thought hits me, I pause. “Shit.”
“What?”
“Fuck,” I whisper, shaking my head.
“Mia? What is it?”
I look up at her, reeling from own realization. “It was the first time I wanted someone else’s happiness more than my own.”
Dani smiles, squeezing my hand in hers. “Oh, Mia, I don’t know what you’ve gone through in the dating world, but I’ve always known your defenses were high, and you treated men like, I don’t know, like they were just here for your amusement.”
I nod, still a little in shock.
“I’ve always thought one day you’d meet someone who changes everything.” She shrugs. “I guess that day came.”
“But he’s not the right one.”
“Are you sure about that? You’re a mess, and to my knowledge, you’ve never been a mess over a guy. Not even in high school.”
I chew my fingernail considering her question. “That’s why I’m screwed up. I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way. He’s not right for me. I have to give up too much to be with him. He would have to give up too much to be with me. You shouldn’t have to do that to be with someone.”
“No? You don’t think successful relationships require compromise and sacrifice? You don’t think I’ve done things I didn’t want to do for the benefit of my marriage? You don’t think Tim has?”
“I’m talking about fundamental stuff, Dani. Who we are inside. He needs someone that wants what he wants. I’m not her. I tried to be, but I can’t do it. Not full time.”
“I understand.” She offers a smile. “So what now?”
“I don’t know. I guess I just try to forget him.”
“And if you can’t?”
I gaze up at my sister. “I have to, Dani. I don’t have a choice.”
BACK AT MY APARTMENT, I lie on the couch and stare blankly ahead of me. I fucked up and now she’s gone. I can’t accept that. I have to do whatever it takes to fix this. To get her back. I have to. I rack my brain for options. This cannot be the end.
After several minutes, a thought comes to me. I’ll call Luc and get his advice. He’ll know what to do. Grabbing my phone, I find him in my contacts, hesitating just for a moment. I haven’t talked to him in almost a year, but he’s the most-level headed person I know, and the only person I know who quit the lifestyle. I press Call and wait.
“Allô?”
“Luc? Je suis Gabriel.”
“Gabriel! Mon ami, how are you?”
“I have been better. Do you have time for an old friend?”
“Oui, of course. What is the problem?”
“I need advice. I met a woman.”
He chuckles. “Ah, I see. Do tell.”
“She’s not part of the lifestyle. She’s different than most women I seek.”
“Okay. Why did you pursue her?”
“Because she’s…” I exhale as my mind is flooded with memories. “She’s incredible. She’s beautiful, unique, vibrant. She challenges me on every level.”
“Are you in love?”
“No, nothing like that. I’ve only known her two weeks.”
“So, what advice do you need?”
“Well, I tried to convert her, and it was going well. Last night… it was the best night of my life, Luc. She gave me everything I could’ve ever hoped for, and I thought she was one hundred percent committed to this thing.”
“But she was not?”
“This morning as she slept, I restrained her to the bed.”
“Uh huh.”
“When she woke up, she was pissed. She said I took advantage.”
“I see. Then what happened?”
“At first she wanted to leave, but I talked her into staying. I said I would do whatever she needed to make it work, and she stayed.”
“But then?”
“But then I told her how I became what I am, and she said it would never work. She said I can’t change, and she can’t be what I need. Then she left and told me she doesn’t want to see me anymore.”
“And this is not what you want?”
“No. I want her back.”
“Why?”
“Because she excites me.”
“Yes, but why? You must explore this.”
“Okay.” I rub my forehead. “She excites me because she’s different. Because I recognize that she’s bending to my will just to please me, not because she’s wired that way. In the past two weeks, she’s put all her trust in me, and I fucked up. I took it too far. Now I’m sitting here wondering if I’m just too screwed up to be normal.”
“Normal? What does that mean to you?”
“You know what it means, Luc.”
“I know what it means to me, but what does it mean to you?”
Sighing, I shut my eyes for a moment. “Normal to her. A man that doesn’t need a woman on her knees in reverence. A man that doesn’t need to break a woman’s will. I want to be that kind of man.”
“But you are not. This woman is right. It cannot be.”
“So you’re agreeing with her?”
“I am because I know you. You remember I was there for Claudette. I saw what you did. You are not a man that can allow a woman her free will.”
My memory is flooded with thoughts of the beautiful French virgin that I ruined. “Claudette wanted it.”
“Did she? Or did you convince her she wanted it? Did you convince that innocent woman that she loved your reckless debasement of her? Are you convincing this American woman she wants it too?”
I want to hang up on him, but I can’t. It took me months to recover from the damage I caused Claudette. I thought I was done with the lifestyle then, but no, I dug even deeper, drowning in my own fucked up pool of debauchery. He’s telling the truth, and I need to own it. “Okay, Luc, I accept that, but what do I do to change? I want to change.”
“You cannot change who you are for a woman, just as she cannot change herself for you. You may want her, you may desire her, but that is not sustainable. Eventually, the real you will show up, and then what? Devastation, mon ami. To both of you. It is better to walk away now. She is a wise woman.”
“I can’t accept that, Luc. I can’t. I need her back.”
“Your needs are beyond my ability to help. My advice is to pretend you don’t know she exists. Go on with your life, find your submissive girl, and take it out on her. Eventually, you will move on.”
“And if I can’t?”
“If you can’t, then you will never be happy again. That is a choice only you can make. Or… ah, never mind. You will never do it.”
“Tell me.”
“You are not strong enough for my idea.”
“Dammit, Luc. Spit it out. Or what?”
“Or, you can explore your demons, as I explored mine. You can face them in the mirror and pick a fight. You can go to battle with yourself and see which side wins. I was the victor in my life, and I am happier for it. I walked away from the things that encouraged the darkness. Now I live in the light every day, and I would not go back. My Josie, she understands me, so when the demons show up again, she goes to battle with me and we push them back together. If that is what you want,
you must put on your armor, and be prepared to see the ugliest parts of your soul. Then go to her, lie at her feet, and tell her that you want only what she can give. If she is the woman for you, then she will help you up because she does not want you at her feet, just as she does not want to lie at yours. A good woman, like Josie, wants to stand by your side and hold your hand and support you. That is respect, that is love, that is reverence, but it is not submission. Gabriel, my friend, we have talked about this before, so you know where I stand.”
I let his words sit with me for a moment. “Do you still believe what you said to me a year ago? That I’m hopeless.”
I hear his soft chuckle. “If I were asked before this call I would say, oh Gabriel, a good man, but he is lost. Today, there is hope for you. If there wasn’t, we would not be having this conversation.”
I nod and rub my forehead. “So I need to go to war?”
“If you want her back, then yes.”
“I spent years convincing myself that there was nothing wrong with me just because I like rough sex.”
“Gabriel.” His voice is stern. “You know as well as I do that this is not about sex. There is nothing wrong with any kind of sex that is between consenting adults. It is fine to dominate a woman, if she has given you permission to do so. You know the problem here. Do not delude yourself that this is about sex, because it is not. If it were, this would be a simple problem to fix. You need to ask yourself, why do you need complete control. Why must you be her sovereign ruler? Why must she fear you if she makes a mistake, a mistake defined only by you? What is in you that fears her equality? When you know the answer to those questions, you will know who you are, and if you can be what she needs.”
Exhaling slowly, I lean back on the sofa, absorbing the truth in his words. “You’re right, Luc. You’re right.”
“I know. I was you.”
“But now you’re normal.”
“No, I am not normal because that is not a thing. I am me. I struggle with addictions I will never be free from. Sometimes I slip, sometimes I fall completely, but then I gaze into eyes that love and accept me and will not let me fail, and I get up again. This is what I hope for you. You are like my brother, and I want you to be happy. So far, your choices have not brought this to you.”
Reckless Devotion: Book 2 Page 1