“Sort of.”
She smiles. “Even when something so terrible happens, something that you think you’ll never recover from, you will. Even when you think why did this happen to me? Someday, it all makes sense. Even when you think the trust is gone forever, you learn it can be rebuilt. You learn that you deserve respect and you demand it, and guess what? If he loves you, he’ll give it to you, happily and willingly. You find out that when two people love each other, there is no force, nothing, that can break that bond. I wouldn’t change anything about my life, even the worst parts of it, because I got to the other side intact with my husband, and our relationship is stronger than ever. Even when it feels like the whole world is against you, when you know that one person is there, lifting you up, keeping you above the water, then you know that whatever you go through is worth it. All of it.”
I nod. “I’m trying to apply that story to my situation.”
“You need two things for a relationship to work—trust and respect, because all the other stuff comes and goes.”
“So, are you saying if the trust was broken, you can get it back?”
“If both people want to, then yes. Neither of us could fathom the idea of not being together anymore, so we pushed through it, and here we are so many years later that our kids are now having kids. Our life is magical in all the ways I couldn’t have imagined when I was a young wife. I trusted that my decision to stay was the right one, and it was.”
“But what if… I’m scared.”
“Of love?”
I nod. “I guess I always thought it would be easy. You would just fall into it and you would want to and it would be perfect and simple and you wouldn’t second guess anything.”
Marian laughs. “Who told you love was like that?”
I laugh softly. “I don’t know.”
“Maybe in fairy tales it’s like that, but in real life, sometimes you have to fight for love. That doesn’t mean it isn’t right, in fact, in my experience, it makes it that much sweeter knowing that we both wanted us so much, we didn’t take the easy way out. It’s a powerful feeling knowing that a man put himself in an uncomfortable place for you.”
I nod, remembering Gabriel’s pleading words. “I can see that.”
“Did it help to talk?”
“A lot. Thank you for being nice about it. I’ll get my head back in the game.”
“You’re welcome. Final word of advice.” I nod. “If you stop and really dig deep down inside, you’ll know if he’s the right one for you. Trust that feeling. It won’t steer you wrong.”
“Thank you.”
I leave Marian’s office with new information to consider. Do I trust myself enough to follow my heart and let Gabriel back in?
As I walk back to my desk, Michelle is talking to Sara and they both turn in my direction.
“Everything’s fine,” I announce, smiling. “She’s just concerned that I’ve been a little distracted. I told her I would get it together.”
“Are you okay?” Sara asks.
“Oh yeah. Definitely.” Glancing at Michelle, I nod. “We can catch up later.”
“Oh,” Michelle says, laughing. “My cue to bow out now.”
I laugh. “Thanks.”
She sits as Sara walks around the wall to my side and kneels. “What happened after I left? Can you tell me?”
I nod, filtering through the thousand thoughts coming at me right now. “We talked and it was really good. I’m not sure what happens next, but…” I pause, then take a deep breath. “You promise you won’t tell him anything I say?”
“Absolutely.”
“I really like him, Sara. Like, a lot. I’ve never liked someone a lot so it’s new for me. I’m still processing all of that and just how he makes me feel.”
She smiles, patting my hand. “I already know that, silly. I was there. It was the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been because I knew you needed to be alone and talk.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You obviously can’t help it. Either of you.”
“When he drove me back, he kissed me, and, Sara, it was like…” I shake my head. “Kissing him is like that moment after a bad storm, a monsoon, when the wind was blowing and sheets of rain were coming down and you couldn’t see and it was really stressful, and then all of a sudden, it stops and everything is silent and peaceful.”
“Wow, Mia. That sounds like some kind of kiss.”
“It was, and it’s always like that. There’s a connection that happens that blows my mind. I just want more of it, but it also totally freaks me out.”
“I get that. He obviously has strong feelings for you too. When he looks at you, well…” She smiles. “Every woman should have a man in her life that looks at her like that.”
I smile, nodding, and glance down at my hands. “It’s just that in a lot of ways we’re not right for each other, but in other ways we are, and I don’t know where to focus.”
“I know you won’t tell me those details, so I’ll just say that it’s rare to feel the things you’re describing to me, and that has to mean something.”
“Yeah.” I shift my eyes around the room for a moment, not ready to admit to her what I’m feeling. “I better get back to work. I’m way behind now.”
She smiles. “Thanks for talking to me. I know it’s hard.”
“No, talking to you is one of the easiest things for me.”
After she walks away, I shake my head, trying to clear away thoughts of love and Gabriel, but it’s so hard when all I can think about is being in his arms again, feeling his kiss, being… I sigh when those words come to me… his devoted.
AFTER LEAVING MIA, I sit at work excited by the interaction I just had with her. Excited because she said no. She put a limit on me, and I respected it. I’m capable of it. I wonder what got into her at the end though. We were good, then she seemed to really want to get away from me. Maybe she’s on the same roller coaster ride of emotions I’m on. All I know is that kiss, Jesus, that kiss. I shake my head. There’s nothing better than touching her. Nothing.
Later that night, lying in bed, I stare at the ceiling thinking of her. I want to call her, text her, visit her. She’s my every thought, my every desire, my wish for the future. Meeting Mia has changed everything, so I need to man up, and show her that I’m not like the others in a good way. She’s already seen the darkness, well, the edge of it. We didn’t even get to the stuff I wanted to do to her. I don’t think we could come back from that if she had.
As I lie here lost in thoughts of Mia, Luc’s words come back to me. What makes me fear her equality? What makes me require total rule over someone’s life? What fears are trapped in me that I can’t accept a strong woman’s will? These are things I need to explore, because Mia is right. The minute I can get my hands on her again, I’m not sure that side of me won’t come out. I’m not sure I can have… normal sex, for lack of a better word. I haven’t been in the missionary position without choking, smacking, whipping, or tying in years. Mia’s words from earlier float through my mind… I think it’s hot. Maybe sex was never the problem. It was what I did after that pushed her away. Now she doesn’t trust me. She can’t. I sigh, closing my eyes. I don’t trust me either.
I want to go to sleep and give her space, but I just can’t clear my mind. I decide to just text her, letting her know she’s still on my mind.
How I wish it would rain.
Several minutes pass and I start to think she isn’t going to answer, but then my phone buzzes, and I open her text to see several umbrella emoticons and a heart. I don’t know what it means, but it seems like it’s good. Then a second text comes through.
You might need an umbrella.
Smiling, I respond.
You be the storm. I’ll be the umbrella for both of us.
There you go again…
You deserve it. Just say the word, Mia, say it, and I’m there.
A few minutes go by before she answers, bringing a smile to my
face.
Stay tuned…
I close my eyes as an unfamiliar feeling washes over me. The only word that comes to mind to describe it is… content.
The next morning, as I wait for Dr. Nashito, I pace the lobby, excited to share with him my news. When he comes out to greet me, I shake his hand, and quickly follow him to his office, where I sit on the sofa ready to begin.
“What’s gotten into you this morning?” he asks, with a slightly amused smile on his face.
“I saw Mia yesterday, and it went really well. She let me kiss her, and she seems really open to the future, but the best part is I asked if we could have dinner and she said no.”
His brow creases. “You’re happy she said no?”
“Yeah.” I smile. “She said no and I didn’t try to change her mind. I didn’t try to bully her or threaten her or anything. I just accepted it. That’s good, isn’t it?”
He nods. “Yes, Gabriel, that’s very good. Why did she say no?”
“That’s the second thing I want to talk about. She’s nervous. She doesn’t trust me to respect boundaries, and to be honest, I think her concerns are valid. I don’t know what I’ll do when we’re in that situation again. I’m so attracted to her, she brings out my beast mode, and I just want to do all those things to her.” I exhale. “But here’s the thing, she told me the stuff we do in the bedroom isn’t what bothers her. She likes it. It was the other stunts I pulled.”
“And you don’t think you can control that?”
“I don’t know and I’m scared. I don’t want to lose her.”
Dr. Nashito nods. “Have you spent any time exploring the depth of your feelings for her?”
“All I do is think about her.”
“That’s not what I asked. Before when I asked for a word to describe how you feel about her, you said devoted.”
“Right.”
“What does that mean to you?”
Considering his words for several minutes, I attempt to articulate my thoughts. “I would do anything for her. That’s why I’m here trying to be a better man. I want to make her happy. I want her to think of me and smile, not fear me. I want to be everything to her like she is to me. I want her…” I pause and stare at the doctor with my mouth hanging open. “Shit.”
“What?”
I shake my head. “Um…” I grab the bottled water he set out for me and take a huge gulp as my entire body heats up. Pulling my collar, I swallow hard.
“Are you okay?”
“No.”
“Tell me what you’re thinking.”
“I, um, want…” I pause, exhaling. “I can’t talk.”
“Calm down and remember this is a safe place. We can explore anything you’re feeling right now.”
I nod, running my fingers through my hair. “I’ve never wanted an actual relationship before. I’ve never wanted to fall in love or settle down or be with just one woman, but now… now with her…” I rub my forehead, then meet the doctor’s encouraging eyes. “I think I want that with her. I think I want her to fall in love with me.”
He nods, almost smiling. “Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. Think about it for a while. I’ll wait.” He lifts his coffee cup and takes a sip, then glances down at his notepad.
My brain is spinning a hundred miles a minute, and I’m having trouble slowing it down. “I don’t know, doctor.”
“You do, Gabriel. You do. Why do you want Mia to fall in love with you?”
Standing up, I pace with agitation in front of the sofa. “I can’t process what’s happening to me right now.”
“You can. I wouldn’t put you through this if you couldn’t. One more time, and don’t think too hard. Just blurt out the first reason. Why do you want Mia to fall in love with you?”
I sit down on the couch and stare at him in disbelief. “Because I’m falling in love with her.”
Dr. Nashito smiles, reaches across the small table, and pats my knee. “Okay now. Let’s talk about that.”
“I feel kind of sick.”
“Drink some water.”
I take a gulp of water and look up. “Why do I feel sick? Is that a bad sign?”
“No, I think you’re just adjusting to an emotion you haven’t felt before.”
I nod, shifting in my chair as he continues. “Okay.”
“Let’s talk about why you think you’re falling in love with Mia.”
“I already told you, she’s amazing.”
“You did, but specifically why are you in love? You’ve told me you’ve known her just three weeks. How much time have you spent together?”
“A lot, in person and on the phone. Lots of interaction even during our break.”
“Okay. So why do you think it’s love? Be specific.”
“Because…” I sigh, sifting through my thoughts. “Because I want to talk to her every day. I want to know how her day is and if she’s happy. I want to know if anything good happens to her. I want to hold her if she’s sad. I want to eat dinner with her and make weekend plans and travel and just hear her voice and see her face and be around her. All the time, I just want to be around her, no matter what she’s doing. That’s never happened to me before. It was just about sex, but this is so much more. This is different. So, if it’s not love, then I don’t know what the hell it is.”
“How do you feel about telling Mia this?”
My eyes open. “Telling her I love her?” He nods. “She’ll punch my face in.”
Dr. Nashito chuckles. “Why would she do that?”
“She won’t even eat dinner with me right now. She’ll think I’m manipulating her. This is what I’m trying to get past.”
“How would you feel about inviting her here?”
I tilt my head. “For what reason?”
“To have a session together. To understand you and to help her see that you’re not manipulating her.”
“You want me to ask a woman I’ve been sort of dating for three weeks to join me in a therapy session?”
“You’re the one that said you’re in love with her, you want a future with her, but you don’t know how to move past where you are right now. If you have a mediator who can help remove obstacles, you can talk to her if she’s open to it. Then you’ll know a lot about how she feels about you.”
“I don’t know. It’s risky.”
“Of course it is,” he smiles, “but matters of the heart typically are.”
“I need to think about it.”
“No pressure. I’m here when and if you’re ready.”
Sitting on his couch, I think about it for a minute and try to envision her reaction. I really want her back, but I don’t know if I can do it her way without help. If I tell her my background, it might scare her, but if Dr. Nashito is here, then maybe it could work.
“Maybe it’s a good idea.” He nods in agreement and sips his coffee. “How would I ask? Just, uh, hey, Mia do you want to come to my therapy session with me?”
“I wouldn’t recommend that. I would suggest asking if you could speak to her about something important, and then tell her why you’re doing this and how you’d like her to participate in the hopes of gaining some mutual understanding in your relationship with her.”
I nod, smiling. “Yeah, that’s way better.”
“If she says no, try to understand why. Some people are uncomfortable with the idea of therapy, and it has nothing to do with you.”
“Okay.”
“So that’s your goal for our next session, to talk to her. She doesn’t have to come right away if that doesn’t work, but when I see you next, let’s at least have thought about talking to her.”
“I can do that.”
“I know you can.”
After leaving his office, I sit in the car for a few minutes staring at my watch. I can’t believe the thoughts running through my mind about Mia. In love? I didn’t even know it could happen, but then I remember what Luc told me when he met Josie.
He looked in her eyes, and he just knew that even when it got hard, she wouldn’t leave. He could trust her to stay, and in some way I feel Mia is the same. She pushed me away, but she didn’t really leave. She lets me call, she let me kiss her. She’s still waiting for me, even though I’m not in completely. Maybe I’ve finally found a woman that will go to battle with me. Then I smile as a new thought hits me. I think I found the woman that is worth the battle in the first place.
Still sitting here, I think about what I’m going to say. I’m so nervous she’ll reject me, but I have to try. I pick up my phone and dial her number as I start my drive in to work.
“Hey,” she answers.
“I miss the old days when you acted pissed when I called.”
She laughs. “I do too. If you want, we can hang up and I can be a bitch when I answer.”
Chuckling, I reply, “Maybe next time. I hope you don’t mind me calling you at work.”
“No. It’s good to hear from you.”
I smile, feeling encouraged. “Do you have a minute?”
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“I have something I really need to ask you, and I wondered if there was any way I could get a few minutes of time with you in person. It’s just not good over the phone.”
“When?”
“Today.” While I still have some courage.
“Um…”
“I know you just told me no, but would you consider meeting me for dinner?”
She’s silent for a few seconds that feel like hours. “Okay.”
My heart beats quickly. “Okay?”
Reckless Devotion: Book 2 Page 6