by Mj Fields
“Well Troy, I will be starting at a little less than you make. I assume that I can afford my own place at some point. Living with them is absolutely fine with me for as long as it’s necessary,” Emma smiled.
“Sounds perfect Emma, everything you deserve right. So how is your love life? How is your Rockstar?” Troy said flippantly.
“Brody is in England finishing an album for three weeks Troy. He has nothing to do with what happened with us. Nothing at all,” Emma said looking sadly at him.
“No but you’ve let him into London’s life haven’t you?” Troy said in a bitter tone.
“Well London saw him when her weekend with you ended abruptly, and she had a lot of fun with him. Troy she is so much fun I wish you would just enjoy her. You’re her daddy, always. She is the one person in your whole life who will never hate you regardless of how much you screw up,” Emma laughed and elbowed him gently, “Do the same for her, love her, have fun with her, find yourself again Troy, please.”
Troy looked at her like he was lost, “But never us again Emma? We were good together.”
“Troy I wish nothing but happiness for you, always. You hurt me, I can get past all of it for London, but never for us as a couple, only us as parents to the most amazing little human being on the planet,” Emma smiled, “That’s what I wish for anyways.”
Troy watched her and shook his head, “I fucked up. I loved you Emma, I really did.”
“Okay, so what now Troy. What will you choose for London?” Emma asked feeling her eyes fill up.
Troy reached over and wiped her tear away, “Emma I want to be the man I was, I don’t know what happened I really don’t. Please forgive me,” he pulled her towards him and hugged her.
“I can’t be anymore but…” Emma cried.
“I know Emma. I see that, just help me get better for her, please. She is the best part of us she really is,” Troy said and held her tighter.
“Daddy please don’t cry,” London said and sobbed, “Please.”
Troy closed his eyes and took a deep breath and pulled her into the hug he shared with Emma.
“Hey what do you say we head up the suite. This is kind of embarrassing,” Troy laughed and held her hand and held Emma’s hand with the other.
“Emma your father and I are going to grab some dinner, call us if you need us,” Caroline smiled.
Emma, Troy, and London ate dinner in the suite and talked about the move. Troy seemed happier than he had been in years. “Daddy, you know everything that went on the other weekend?”
“Yes London, I am so sorry,” Troy said and leaned forward like he wanted to hug her but stopped himself.
“Well it was bad, really bad and scared me. I did not feel safe, please don’t do that to me ever again,” her voice cracked and she started to cry, “Please!”
Emma gasped and looked at Troy who looked horrified. Emma gently pushed his back so that he moved towards her and they hugged and both cried.
“I am going to get better at being your Dad London I promise you that, Mommy and I aren’t going to fight anymore. And I am choosing you right now London over anything else, I choose you.”
“Oh Daddy, thank you!” London continued to cry.
Emma cried and closed her eyes, why now you asshole, why now she thought.
Troy looked over at Emma, “London my hope is to be half as good a parent as your Mom. And our marriage failing was all me, not her. I want you to know that she has been nothing less than what I knew she would be when I married her.”
“Daddy Brody loves her,” London said looking him straight in the eyes, “And he is very nice to her.”
“Wow London,” Troy laughed uncomfortable and looked at Emma, who looked down. “Well she deserves to be loved, I kind of sucked at it.”
“Yes you did,” London said. “Mom are you mad that I said that?”
“No London, I want you to be honest with both of us but always considerate,” Emma said, “And sorry Troy but something’s even adults can’t emotionally handle so just be kind alright?”
“Your mom thinks I can’t tell she is in love with him. She seems to forget I know how easy she is to love, but I get it. I won’t interfere. I know she deserves to be happy,” Troy laughed, “So how about we hit the pool?”
“Sounds good, can Mom come?” London asked.
“Whatever you need until I have earned your trust London,” Troy smiled.
They swam and laughed and had a great time. Caroline took pictures and talked with Emma about the move. After Emma and Troy tucked London in he apologized to her parents and promised to get the help he needed.
Emma went to her adjoining room and showered and threw on the sweatshirt Brody had left and a pair of shorts. She decided to lay down and rest her eyes while she waited for Brody to call. Emma woke to a knock on the door, she opened it.
“Emma you left your phone out here,” Troy said and handed it to her.
“Oh, oh God Troy I am sorry,” Emma said shocked.
“Nice picture by the way,” he laughed and shut the door.
“Brody?” Emma laughed.
“Em,” he said and laughed too, “Wow that’s kind of like getting busted by your parents doing it in the car.”
Emma laughed as she covered her mouth, “Okay it’s not funny,” she chuckled, “He has been wonderful today.”
“Oh well thank God your ex who is sleeping in the next room has been wonderful and we have been found out?” Brody laughed a belly laugh and Emma couldn’t help but fallow suite.
“God I love you,” Emma said laughing.
“Emma, do you realize how loud you just said that?” Brody gasped jokingly.
“Well it’s been one heck of a night. After we talked and hugged and cried and London hugged and cried with us, which by the way is the first since our separation, we actually talked and he told her she would be first in his life. He also told her how perfect I was. Do you know what she told him? She told him that you loved me and said it looking him right in the eye. She also told him that you were nice to me, like warning him. And he said that he could tell I loved you too and deserved to be happy. So Brody I think me being loud is a moot point,” Emma laughed again.
“London said that to him?” Brody asked with a smile in his voice.
“Yep she sure did,” Emma laughed, “Do you know how exhausted I am?”
“I am sorry Em. Does that mean no Skype tonight?” he chuckled.
“Brody that’s not going to happen, sorry I want the real thing,” Emma said softly.
“Emma you’ll have it soon,” he whispered.
“Tell me about your day,” Emma said as she laid back in her bed.
“Compared to yours mine has been pretty dull,” Brody answered.
“No raunchy photos that I may come across that you need to warn me about?” Emma asked.
“None, I stayed locked in my room writing. Two more songs to finish up and then to the studio for a week if I am lucky, then onto interviews for another week. Followed by a flight home and directly into you,” Brody said and Emma moaned, “Emma don’t do that.”
“Sorry,” Emma giggled.
“So I finished a song today, I would like your opinion on it, or approval I guess. May I email it to you?” Brody asked taking a deep breath.
“Yes please, I will boot up my new iPad now,” Emma said cheerfully.
Emma opened her email and it was there, she giggled, “Can I open it now?”
“Please do,” Brody answered jovially.
Date September 23rd, 2012
Honest opinion expected. If it’s to much let me know.
Love ,
MM
London
Once cold and broken not knowing where to go. Pain unbearable when I let you go.
Dulled the memories where did it all start,
Where it all began when she broke my heart.
Falling down sitting broken for years and years
waiting to begin still waiting fo
r the tears.
I return to you hoping you can give me strength to do what is right
stop this painful bitter internal fight.
Chorus
In your rain I fall to my knees
In your light I beg you oh please, oh London oh, oh, London
The sky lights up from your light the clouds break and I know it's finally right.
The fog it's lifting could it be oh could it be
That light from London's eyes is shining for me.
The brilliant light you come from is where I need to be.
Opening oh opening up the ground beneath my feet,
the warmth of her smile its my hearts heat.
Memories not so dulled by the pain anymore,
Through her eyes I see what I left behind, now I ache to explore.
Standing, watching, learning, feeling what was buried deep inside.
The love that I shoved so far away burns so bright it can no longer hide.
I return to breathe you in again to make it up to you.
To remember what once was peaceful when I first felt love.
Pain felt for years never came from I fall again looking above
Chorus
In your rain I fall to my knees
In your light I beg you oh please, oh London ooohhh London
The sky lights up from your light the clouds break and I know it's finally right.
The fog it's lifting could it be oh could it be
That light from London's eye's shining for me.
The brilliant light you come from is where I need to be.
“Brody it’s beautiful,” Emma said softly.
“Would you like me to explain it?” He asked.
“Please do,” Emma said.
“The first verse is about my mother’s passing and how angry I was at her for leaving. The chorus is about this trip actually, and about your daughters love for you and dependency on you to keep her safe which I didn’t feel as a child. The brilliant light that you come from part of the chorus is you. The next verse,” he said taking a breath, “Is about when I realized why she left before she passed, for months Em, she lived here in London with my Aunt and we never knew why she left, let alone that she was dying and was trying to keep that pain from us. I only realized that when I saw that you would jump in front of a damn train to stop any pain that may come to your child regardless of the pain it would cause you. My mother loved me enough to not want me to watch her suffer Emma. My father told us she left us and never the truth. And then he fell apart.”
“Brody when did you find out all of this?” Emma asked deeply concerned.
“Today Emma, I spoke to my aunt today,” he spoke and his voice shook.
“Oh I don’t know what to say. I am so glad you have an answer and that it brought you what I hope is peace. But I am sorry I can’t be there with you. Talk to me please, where is your head right now?” Emma asked.
“I don’t know Emma,” he laughed, “We are both nasty messy right now.”
“But I am here for you don’t forget that Brody, please,” Emma said nervously.
Brody took a deep breath, “Do you know it’s only eight o’clock in the evening and I am literally as exhausted as you sound.”
“You should sleep,” Emma said in her maternal voice and Brody laughed, “Please tell me what you need form me.”
“Emma I need you to go to sleep and take care of London,” Brody said in an authoritive tone.
“What can I do to take care of you?” Emma asked softly, “I love you Brody don’t shut me out.”
“I am not Emma, go to sleep, see you soon,” Brody hung up.
Emma cried herself to sleep.
In the morning she woke up and sent him a text.
-I don’t want to shut down but last night was confusing. You confused me by sharing your music and then something very personal and not letting me any further in. I hope you are alright, you can trust me I am here…Emma
Emma didn’t receive a response and spent the day with Troy and London. Troy helped them load her parent’s vehicles with boxes and even helped load the storage trailer. The three of them went out to dinner and then to visit his cousin Tessa to let her know what was going on.
The night passed and still no word from Brody. Emma googled him and saw pictures of him walking in the park with three women, another of him walking out of a cemetery with dark glasses and his hair was wild. He had on a black t-shirt and loose jeans. The last was a picture at a bar sitting next to a blonde and next to her was Ariel.
Damn it, damn it, damn it. What was I thinking! I can’t do this, I won’t do this. Focus damn it, Emma’s head screamed. Coincidental plane trip to London together what the hell ever!
Sunday London and Emma attended the early church service and said goodbye to their friends. They took Troy to the rehab center and said tearful see you soons. Emma and London went to the movies and out to dinner and returned home for their normal Sunday routine.
~
Emma sat in the exam room at her OBGYN’s office and waited. She looked at her phone and still no call. The doctor did a breast exam and felt a lump in her left breast. A mammogram was scheduled for Wednesday.
Emma drove home feeling nervous but knew he was just being overly cautious, she was only thirty four and he was sure it was nothing.
Emma busied herself with packing and getting London together with a few friends and family members before the big move. London was so excited and busy that she didn’t sense the unease in Emma.
Wednesday Emma sat in the small white office looking at the photos on the wall as she waited for the doctor to go over the results with her.
“Hello Emma I am Dr. Green,” the tall gray haired man said shaking her hand.
“Hello,” Emma said nervously.
“Emma we found a tumor that is one point six centimeters in your left breast. I would like to schedule a lumpectomy; we will be able to remove it without having to do a mastectomy, so that is something very positive to focus on right now. I am suggesting that while we do the lumpectomy we also do a biopsy of two lymph nodes, because that’s how cancer usually spreads. This will tell us if we need to do any other treatments like chemotherapy or radiation. Emma do you need to take a break?” Dr Green asked.
Emma shook her head no.
“Alright, I am going to refer you to an oncologist and a surgeon,” Dr Green spoke in a professional tone.
The damn broke and Emma began to cry, “Are you telling me I have breast cancer?”
“Yes Emma, but we won’t know what we are looking at until we remove the mass,” Dr Green said, “May I please call someone for you Emma?”
“I am divorced, I have an eight year old daughter. I am moving and starting a new career on Monday,” Emma said wiping away the tears.
“Okay I am going to make a couple calls now Emma and you are going to sit here and think about strength. You are going to be fine alright?” Dr. Green told her.
“Thank you,” Emma said.
Dr, Green set up the appointment for Friday, there was a cancellation so they pushed her right in. They would leave a day earlier than planned, London was excited about skipping school and Caroline and Henry knew what was going on and they were very supportive as always.
On their drive to Tarrytown Emma smiled as she looked in the rearview mirror at London who was happily singing along with her iTouch.
“Hey baby girl could we talk for a minute?” Emma asked smiling.
“Sure Mom, what’s up?” London responded.
“I have to have a little procedure in the morning, so you’ll hang out with grandpa while I go to the surgery center,” Emma explained.
“Are you alright Mom?” London asked worried.
“I will be just fine, it’s just a test nothing like the operation I had two years ago. In fact I will be home that night and still be going to work on Tuesday as planned, just a little detour from our original plan, no big deal” Emma laughed.
&n
bsp; “Does Brody know?” London quizzed her.
“No honey, no one but you and your grandparents, it’s kind of private okay?” Emma explained.
“When did you talk to Brody last Mom?” London continued the quiz.
“Well I think it was Saturday, we have both been busy,” Emma smiled.
“Okay good, I like him,” London said stating her opinion.
“Well you know we are very different and just because we hung out a few times does not mean he is right for me,” Emma reminded her.
Her phone rang through the cars blue tooth system and announced Brody’s call.
“Answer it Mom!” London cheered.
“Hello this is Emma and you are on speaker,” she said.
“Hello Em, hello London,” Brody said sweetly.
“Brody I miss you!” London laughed.
“I miss you too. I have been busy. London are you skipping school?” Brody asked in an accusatory tone.
“Yep, mom’s idea, we are moving today instead of tomorrow, I guess mom has..” London started.
“Brody this is kind of a bad time can we speak later?” she asked shooting London a goofy face.
“Sure, when can I phone you?” Brody asked.
“We should be there in two hours, then you can talk to her alone,” London laughed.
“We are going to be really busy this weekend getting things straightened around, how about Monday?” Emma asked trying to keep it together.
“Em please, I need to speak to you,” Brody said sounding wounded.
“Alright then Monday works best for me, talk to you then,” Emma said and hung up.
“Mom are you mad at Brody?” London asked.
“No not mad, just busy,” Emma smiled.
~
Caroline and Henry had unpacked all of Emma and London’s things and put them away. London had decided she wanted to sleep in the house and not the apartment the first night which Emma agreed to, that way she could unpack the remainder of the stuff that they had brought along after London was in bed. She decided to call Lila and tell her that they had moved and what was going on.
“Emma,” Lila answered the phone, “How are you?”
“We are home now, almost moved in. The storage trailer will be here in the morning. I need to ask you a favor,” Emma asked softly.