The salesgirl nodded at her uniform. ‘Free French, are you?’
‘No, ATA – Air Transport Auxiliary.’
‘Oh, you’re a driver then.’
‘No, I ferry planes.’
‘Well, I never! I expect you have to have a man with you, don’t you? Women can’t fly planes on their own, can they?’
‘There are more than eighty of us who do fly and without any men in the cockpit with us.’ She reached out and picked up the packet with the nylons not wishing to prolong the conversation any further. ‘Thank you,’ she said as she collected the half a crown and three pennies which was her change from the transaction.
Although only the beginning of April the temperature was unseasonably warm and walking through the streets with other shoppers was quite pleasant. One could almost forget there was a war on apart from the tape on the windows and lack of items on display.
There’d been a storm a few days ago over virtually the whole of England and there’d been no deliveries made that day. Now it was like summer, not spring.
She wasn’t carrying a gas mask and she only saw a handful of people who were. The danger from being bombed with gas was long gone. Several pedestrians stopped and asked her what service she was in and all but one of them looked sceptical when she said she was a pilot, even though she pointed to her golden wings.
She decided to stroll from Oxford Circus down Regent Street and then turn right into Piccadilly where the Ritz was situated. All but a handful of the men she saw were in uniform of one sort or another and already there was a sprinkling of American GIs. She thought them unattractive and overweight. She preferred lean, fit men and all she saw had plump, shiny faces. They slouched along, didn’t walk upright and proud like the British soldiers and airmen did.
She walked into the Ritz, ignoring the startled expressions of the mink-coated ladies who’d come there to sample the world-famous afternoon tea in the Palm Court. This was where she and Jack had gone last year before they were married. If you were prepared to pay for it there was no rationing here – anything you wanted could be provided at a price.
The concierge looked her up and down with barely concealed contempt. She was about to announce herself as Ellen Simpson and then remembered that she was in fact Mrs Jack Reynolds. This had been a bone of contention between them ever since they were married as Jack wanted her to take his name, and then Alison had said it would be simpler for her to remain as Ellen Simpson on their books.
She compromised. ‘I’m Mrs Ellen Reynolds – Sir Reginald—’ She got no further as the concierge’s expression changed to one of horror at the enormity of his mistake.
‘Mrs Reynolds, I do apologise. Squadron Leader Reynolds and Mr and Mrs Simpson will be taking tea in the Palm Court shortly. They are expecting you.’
‘I know the way,’ she replied. ‘Have this taken to my suite.’ She dumped her battered overnight bag on the immaculate countertop and strolled away, smiling to herself. This wasn’t the sort of place she was comfortable in even though she could afford to be here.
The sound of the orchestra playing a lively Glenn Miller number made her increase her pace. When she stepped through the archway, Jack had clearly been looking out for her because he was on his feet immediately. For some reason his blinding smile was absent. Her stomach flipped. There was something very wrong with him; she didn’t know what it was and had a dreadful feeling she was about to find out and so was everyone else.
She initiated the embrace but he seemed reluctant to hold her which only added to her unease.
‘I’ve ordered for you and they are just about to bring our tea. It’s good to see you.’ Even his words were stilted. She’d been about to stretch up and kiss him but changed her mind. Instead she turned to the other two and the gurgling baby and merely smiled at him.
‘Fiona, I can’t believe how much Neil has grown since December.’ The infant was sitting propped up in his pram waving a silver rattle and beaming at anyone who caught his eye.
‘He’s a little star, isn’t he? Sleeps through the night now and no trouble at all in the daytime.’
Ellie hugged her sister-in-law and then did the same for her brother. ‘George, I thought that our grandfather would have been here before us – after all, it’s his idea we get together.’
‘He is here, he’s upstairs with Ma. You’ll be shocked at how much he’s changed physically and in other ways. He’s a old, sick man and I’m prepared to forget what happened before.’
‘I feel the same way. It’s the right thing to do. He’s trying to make amends, after all.’
She took the empty seat next to Jack and the lurking waiters immediately came forward with their tea. Her appetite had deserted her but she could hardly sit there and eat nothing. She helped herself to a scone and took a bite.
Jack ignored the food. He cleared his throat. Her stomach lurched again. She stared at him and now realised that he’d lost weight, that there were new lines etched on his face. Something was very wrong – but why had he chosen to tell her here and not when they were alone?
‘I need to say this to all of you and not when Sir Reginald’s here.’
The mouthful of scone refused to go down and she surreptitiously spat it into her napkin. Whatever he was going to say she knew she wasn’t going to like it.
Three
Ellie looked worried, George and Fiona curious and Jack knew what he was about to say was going to change everything. He’d spent the past few weeks agonising over this and believed it was the right thing to do for both of them. He was going to destroy his marriage, it would disintegrate right now, but better that happened than he and Ellie lived a lie.
‘I know that Fred wants Ellie to have the farms now that you’re going to be running the estates for your grandfather, George. I also know, Ellie, that you’re likely to inherit even more money when your father dies and you already have the vast fortune left to you by Greg.
‘However, I can’t be part of that. I’m an ordinary guy and you deserve better. When this war’s over I’m going to university to become a civil engineer – I’m not going to live on a farm but go wherever I’m needed and help to rebuild the things that have been destroyed.’
When he’d rehearsed this speech in his head it had seemed okay. As he spoke he understood that he should have taken her aside and talked to her in private. Blurting this out in front of her brother and his wife was a bloody stupid thing to do.
He hadn’t been looking at any of them – it was too hard – but now turned in his chair to face his wife. She was staring at him, her face pale, her eyes glittering with tears. He wished the words unsaid.
‘I love you, Ellie, I always have but…’ He couldn’t go on and was about to push his chair back and walk out of her life, ashamed by how he’d behaved. Then she put her hand on his arm to prevent him leaving.
‘No, Jack, you can’t run away. I love you as you are. It wasn’t your fault that you lost your hand and it’s not my fault that I’m so rich. I wish you’d not said this in front of George and Fiona, but I’m asking you to eat your tea and pretend everything’s fine. We’ll talk about it when we’re on our own. Today isn’t about us, it’s about someone else and you should have remembered that.’
‘I’m sorry, Ellie, but I don’t belong here. This is a family thing and I’m not part of it – I never have been really.’ He stood up, pulling his arm away from her hand and walked away from everything that mattered to him, his heart breaking, but knowing however difficult it would be for them both initially, he was doing the right thing.
He loved her too much to stay with her. She deserved better than him. A whole man, a man from her world, not the nephew of a convicted criminal with nothing but a few hundred pounds to his name. He didn’t know how a divorce was obtained but he’d do whatever was necessary for her to sever the connection legally. He’d known as soon as he’d spoken to Greg’s old friend what he had to do.
Thank God she hadn’t been pregnant – he
wouldn’t have had the strength to do the right thing if there’d been a child involved.
He didn’t look back, just marched, head high, almost blinded by tears, across the busy restaurant. If she’d arrived earlier he could have spoken to her in private. He hadn’t brought an overnight bag as he’d never intended to stay.
He reached the foyer, somehow negotiated the rotating door, and stepped into the April sunshine. He leant against the wall waiting for the trembling to stop. He rummaged in his pocket and found a relatively clean handkerchief, blew his nose and wiped his eyes.
‘For God’s sake, Jack, you can’t walk out on Ellie like this. You’ve got things wrong; you’ve been part of this family since the beginning – much more than Greg ever was.’
George was standing directly in front of him. If he wanted to leave then he would have to push him out of the way and he didn’t have the strength or inclination to do that.
‘I should never have married her. When I came back from Africa all I could think about was getting back on my feet, joining the ATA and persuading her to love me the way I’ve always loved her.’
‘That’s bollocks, and you know it. I don’t know how you could have got her so wrong. She’s not like Greg, in fact she’s not like me either. She takes after our dad and has never wanted to be someone with a silver spoon in her mouth.’
Jack had recovered sufficiently to answer calmly. ‘It doesn’t matter. Accept it, mate, I’m not good enough for your sister and never will be. I can’t ask her to give up her money and I can’t be a kept man.’ He pushed himself upright and on impulse embraced George.
His brother-in-law returned his gesture and then stepped aside. ‘You’re making the biggest mistake of your life. You love her and she loves you – that should be enough for you to work things out. I never thought you were a coward, Jack, but you’ve just shown me how wrong I was.’
George turned his back and strode away without a second glance.
Was he a coward to step away from the only woman he would ever love? No, the opposite was true. He would never marry again and when no longer needed in the ATA, he would enrol in whatever university would take him and devote the rest of his life to building bridges, roads and factories. That would have to be enough.
Why was he still leaning against the wall like this and not heading for Liverpool Street? Did he secretly hope Ellie would come after him and beg him to stay? Would he be able to refuse if she did? He hadn’t put them both through this misery to change his mind so easily.
He dashed across the road and headed for Queen’s Walk which ran alongside Green Park. Within minutes he was out of sight and safe from interception. Eventually he reached the Mall and walked blindly through the streets until he found a Lyons café and collapsed at the only vacant table.
*
Ellie watched Jack walk out of her life and for some reason was glued to her chair when she should have been running after him. George was on his feet and did what she should have done. She’d known there was something wrong but had ignored it and now their marriage was in pieces about her feet.
She held the napkin over her face trying to hide her tears from the curious onlookers. Fiona touched her arm. ‘Let’s get out of here. Can you get up? Hang onto the pram handle, it’s very sturdy.’
Somehow she managed to stand and walk from the Palm Court without breaking down. Her sister-in-law took charge and kept up a stream of chatter to distract the lift attendant. Everything was a blur; she wasn’t sure if they’d gone into the suite meant for Jack and her, or into Fiona’s accommodation.
‘Sit down. I’ll put this young man in his cot for a nap. I’ll ask them to put the tea on trays and bring it up. We might not want it now, but we’ll probably be hungry later. We can’t waste the food.’
Ellie didn’t want to cry because once she’d started she wouldn’t be able to stop. After all they’d been through together, she’d thought she and Jack could overcome any problems that life might throw at them. How had it come to this? They’d only been married a few months and now he had walked out on her.
When Greg had died just when they’d thought they could be together she’d almost given up. Jack had come and looked after her, got her back on her feet. She had loved him then – but as a brother, not as a future husband. Falling in love had happened later, but now he meant more to than Greg had ever done. Over the past few months she’d realised that her love for Greg, although genuine, had never been passionate and that was the difference between him and Jack.
Whilst she’d sat there numb, she’d been aware that someone had come in and gone out again. She pulled herself together, rushed into the bathroom and splashed her face with cold water and then raced after him.
Which way would he go? Would he be hoping she’d come after him so they could talk? She wasn’t going to give up so easily. He’d almost died. They were meant to be together and his reasons for going were nonsensical.
She almost collided with an elderly couple in her rush to the doors. She heard them complaining loudly but ignored it.
She stood on the pavement looking in both directions not sure which way to go. Why hadn’t her brother hung onto him long enough for her to get there? Then George was beside her.
‘You’re too late, Ellie, he’s gone. No point in rushing about looking for him now. He’ll come to his senses and realise he was talking rubbish. You two were meant to be together. Give him a few weeks and then go and see him.’
‘How could I not have known he was in such turmoil? Don’t tell me there’s a war on and we are both busy, there’s no excuse. When he didn’t answer my letters I should have taken action then. I’d go after him regardless but—’
‘He planned it this way, knowing you would put duty first.’
She refused to believe that their marriage was over whatever he’d said. She would somehow convince him he was wrong however long it took. It couldn’t matter if things were left for a few days and it might give him time to reconsider.
Fiona was waiting for them and seemed unsurprised that they’d returned alone. ‘Here, real coffee. You don’t have to eat anything but I think the coffee will perk you up.’
‘Thank you, Fiona, that’s exactly what I’d like. I should have set up the charity in Greg’s name as I’d intended then this would never have happened. Jack’s a proud man and losing his hand destroyed his confidence.’ She took a few mouthfuls and began to recover. George patted her shoulder and vanished presumably to speak to Mum.
‘When Fred and Mabel were staying with us in St Albans after the wedding your dad said that Jack wasn’t the same man that he’d been before the accident. That said, he didn’t seem bothered about the changes and thought you and he would have a good marriage.’
‘So did I and now this has happened and I could have done something about it.’
‘It’s nobody’s fault and I’m sure you and Jack will sort things out. I certainly wouldn’t give away your money just to get him back. I guarantee that he’s already regretting what he said and wishing he was back here eating afternoon tea with you.’
There was a knock on the connecting door. ‘Whoever it is, they’d better come in. As long as no one mentions what happened I’ll be fine.’
Her mother came across and put her arms around her. ‘My dear girl, how unfortunate. I was always worried that Jack had accepted Greg’s money too easily – I think this business with your grandfather was the last straw.’
‘What should I do? I’ll do anything to put things right between us even if it means giving everything away to charity.’
‘That might put things right temporarily but it wouldn’t remove the problem. You would come to resent him for making you do it.’
‘I never wanted it so can’t see that I’ll ever regret not having it. Jack’s more important to me than money.’
‘And if you have children, Ellen? Do you have the right to deprive them of a comfortable life just because your husband is insecure?’
‘I don’t have any children and can’t base my decision on something that doesn’t exist, and might never do so. Mum, I know you mean well, but I need to sort this out for myself.’ As she’d been talking, things had sorted themselves out in her head and she came to a decision.
‘I don’t think that the problem is anything to do with the money, not really. He hasn’t fully accepted what happened to him. Until he’s comfortable with only having one hand then he’s going to blame everything else for the way he feels.’
Fiona had been listening. ‘So, what are you going to do now?’
‘Nothing. As far as I’m concerned, he’s my husband and I’ll be here when he’s ready to come home. I shall give him a couple of weeks and then go and see him and try and talk some sense into him.’
After washing her face a second time and restoring her lipstick, she was ready to do what they’d come here for – spend time with her dying grandfather.
*
The weekend went better than she’d expected considering Jack had walked out on her. She remained to babysit thus allowing George and Fiona to go to the theatre together. Being on her own gave her too much time to dwell on things and she decided to write Jack a letter explaining how she felt.
Darling Jack,
As you can imagine I’m desperately unhappy about you leaving but understand why you felt you had to do it. I’ll never divorce you. I love you and you will always be my husband.
My wealth isn’t the problem even though you think it is. You need to understand that having only one hand doesn’t make you less of a man. It’s the opposite – everyone who sees you knows you were a hero.
We can fulfil my father’s wishes without having to live on the farm ourselves. I hope one day we have children but I don’t intend to devote my entire life to bringing them up. I want to keep flying in some capacity or other.
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