“I’m glad you find my life so amusing.”
Gregory collected himself.“I believe you will probably have a phone call by Monday.”
“You really think so?”
“I absolutely think so. I know you did extremely well. Were you nervous?”
“I was until she called me ‘Savannah from Savannah.’Then all nerves vanished and I was ready for the kill.”
“They’ll call. I don’t know what they’ll tell you,but they will call.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“Let’s get us some dinner and those key-lime, I-needto-marry- that-man squares.”
“You are sad.”
“Yes, I know. Then we’ll watch Law & Order,” Paige said from the other end.
“Ooh, yeah. I need to sharpen my skills, plus it will keep me from going home. I’ll be there around six.”
I retrieved dinner, made a fool of myself trying to catch a glimpse of the chef ’s left hand, and was headed back to the car when I heard the familiar siren.“Savannah! Yoo-hoo, Savannah!”
There she was, Miss Amber Topaz, waving as if from a runway on the opposite side of the street. She had to be stalking me. If I hadn’t looked up so quickly, I would have tried to pretend I hadn’t heard her holler my name. But dumb me had looked.
I waved as nonchalantly as possible, hoping my open car door would give her the signal I was headed somewhere. It didn’t faze her a bit. Direct insults probably wouldn’t faze her either, unless they were related to her clothing, hair, or makeup. She came to an abrupt halt right in front of my trunk. “Hey, Savannah. I just keep running into you all over the place. I think this has to be another sign that you and I are just destined to be lifelong friends. Don’t you?”
I sat down in the driver’s seat and placed dinner on the passenger’s side, then put my keys in the ignition, trying to look hurried. “Well, we have seen each other a lot lately.”
“Are we still on for Tuesday? I love The Lady & Sons and thought that would be a great place for us to go and tell each other more stories about our lives. And drink sweet tea until we burst,” she said, patting me on the leg.
Turning the car on, I said, “I might have to reschedule our lunch. I’ve run into a few deadlines and I’m trying to make sure I have my first article ready to go to press by Tuesday. So we might have to play lunch by ear, if that’s OK.”
“Oh, sure. We have the rest of our lives to have lunches. But I’ll keep in touch with you just to make sure you’re not working too hard,” she said in that mock voice of concern, giving me another irritating pat. “So, did you enjoy looking at my program books? Weren’t some of those girls just ghastly?”
“I thought all the girls were rather attractive. But I can’t stay and chat, I’ve got a dinner appointment that I have to get to.”
“Well, I just think some of those girls look like they’ve been rode hard and put up wet. You know that’s an old saying in the South.”
“Yes, I think I’ve heard of that one.”
“I mean, in that book I gave you there were girls who couldn’t even win the Miss Fried Okra Pageant, but somehow they made it to Miss Georgia United States of America. I figure they were the only ones who even competed in their local pageants. Some people’s parents should just tell them, ‘Honey, you’re not really right for pageants; why don’t we put you in mud-wrestling. With those thighs you could beat anybody.’You know what I’m saying?”
“Actually, I don’t. And, not to be rude, but I have an appointment, and if I don’t leave, I’m going to be extremely late,” I said.
“Oh, OK. Well, I’ve got to go too. I have a mock interview rehearsal,” she said, standing to her feet.
Before I could catch myself, I said,“What’s a mock interview rehearsal?” I was now officially the biggest idiot in Georgia. It is one thing to be an unwilling participant in lunacy, but it is another thing altogether to become a willing one
She began like a whirlwind, arms flailing, hands patting, eyes sparkling, voice dancing.“Oh, Savannah, mock interview rehearsal is the most awesome thing. I get all three of my aunts and my mother and my stepmother, and for about two hours they bombard me with every type of question, from who the president is to how many pairs of shoes Imelda Marcos has.”
“Imelda, huh?”
“Yeah, she’s my favorite world leader. Then, they ask me what my thoughts are on everything from world peace and universal health care to what my favorite song is and why I named my dog Aqua Marine Lewis.”
I did prevent myself from asking why she named her dog Aqua Marine Lewis. Instead, I put the car in park and leaned back in my seat. My watch read five forty-five. Paige’s was only two minutes away. Surely she would be through in ten minutes. Wouldn’t she?
I stared at her moving lips, realizing I might be forced to run her over. But I would at least be willing to write her obituary. “Miss Cubic Zirconia Childers was killed graciously by Miss Savannah Phillips after Ms. Phillips was tortured mercilessly for thirty minutes by the beauty-pageant junkie. In lieu of flowers, please send cash donations to the Miss Georgia United States of America Pageant for new opening-number outfits. Every dress will be emblazoned with precious stones symbolizing the precious jewel that Miss Childers was to all of us.”
As I rested my eyes, she continued her lesson in interviewing techniques.“See, at the pageant—you know those five judges you saw at the pageant the other night?”
I nodded.
“Well, during interview, they sit in front of you at a big long table and for ten minutes they shoot you with questions and you answer them as rehearsed, yet as natural as possible, of course. They have a bio on each of the girls that they get before the pageant begins. Sometimes they ask you questions off your bio, and other times they ask you whatever comes off the tops of their heads. I’ve seen girls leave interviews crying. The judges asked such tough questions they couldn’t hardly answer any of them. Then the next girl will go in and come out all smiles, saying it was the easiest thing she has ever done.”
“Hmm,” I said, keeping my eyes closed.
“One girl got asked a question one time about what she would do to reform the EPA. Poor girl didn’t even know what it was. She thought EPA stood for the Equal Protection for Animals, and she went on for two minutes talking about how she felt that every cow, duck, frog, and cat should be treated with the same respect as people. Then she gave four solutions, declaring that her plan would make the system better. She said the only thing the judge said was, ‘I’m sure it would honey, I’m sure it would.’” When her roommate informed her that EPA stood for the Environmental Protection Agency, the poor girl walked straight into the bathroom and tossed her cookies. Her mother took her home that night. I’m telling you, you have to be prepared for anything.”
“For anything,” I agreed, nodding my head. And that was when I made my move. I reached out my hand, grabbed the doorknob, looked her squarely in the eye, and said,“I have to leave now. I’m sorry. But we’ll talk this week.”
“OK. Always great to talk to you. I love hearing all about you. You’re just the neatest person,” she said with a Vaseline-slathered-on-your-teeth kind of grin. “I’ll talk to you soon. Toodeloo,” and she skipped into the dusk. It was a wretched sight, but she nevertheless caught the attention of an elderly gentleman in the car across the street. He almost took out a fire hydrant. His wife slapped him with her purse.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Oh, that was so good,” Paige said, all but licking her plate for any leftover key-lime residue.
“Yes, it was.”
“I want to marry him.”
“Get a new line.”
“It’s true. I want a guy who can cook.”
“I want a guy who can figure out the minds of sociopathic killers.”
“I’m going to start making you watch comedies.”
“Speaking of sociopaths, let’s rehearse again what I’m going to say to my mother. There is the possibility I
will never be seen alive again.” I really had no idea how my mother would react to my discoveries, assumptions, and speculations. This was the woman who had been caught walking around with a tiara on her head, singing show tunes in the middle of the afternoon, when a group of tourists passed by her house and spotted her through the window.
This is the same woman who invites former queens over to her house every year to watch the Miss United States of America Pageant in their old pageant dresses. This is a woman slightly off balance when it comes to beauty pageants. She was liable to horsewhip me with her sash. Her next ad in the Savannah Chronicle would probably read “New daughter wanted for extremely gracious, fun-loving, pageant-watching mother-daughter experience.”
“Well, if you think I’m going to tell you how to handle your mama . . . Girl, you are the master with her. You just treat her gentle, compliment her shoes, and offer to go out to lunch with her this week. She’ll forget everything else you have to say. You know that.”
“That won’t work this time. This will cut to her core. She lives and breathes pageants. If she thinks I think her beloved pageant is rigged or remotely less than authentic,well, she might think death would be sweeter.”
“Well, at least you have a job, a place to live, a father who will provide you with Coke to cure your ills, and a best friend who can support you for a while if need be. And who will never, and I do mean never, force you to watch another pageant as long as you live.”
“Say it’s true!”
“It’s so true! Now go. You can do it. Remember, gentle. Be very gentle. And compliment, don’t forget to compliment. And call me. No matter what time. Don’t forget to call me,” she said, opening the door to let me out.
“I won’t. But be fasting and praying.”
“I’m starting now. But hurry, I’d like to get a bowl of cereal around eleven.”
“You’re sick.”
“But I love you.”
“I’ll call you later.”
“I’ll be waiting, rest assured.”
I entered through the front door. This simply needed to be faced head-on. A ball came bouncing in from the kitchen, and Duke came barreling out behind it. The ball hit the wall, bounced against the iron console, ricocheted to the other wall, hit my leg, and then landed at my feet. Duke took roughly the same path. His front paws slid across the hardwood as his back paws tried to slow his speed. Eventually his full body weight hit the foyer rug, causing his front paws to curve under his body, creating an odd somersault effect. The carpet ended up in a heap. He tried to recover himself, but his feet scrambled when he hit the hardwood, resulting in a bad Scooby-Doo impersonation. Finally, he landed at my feet, panting. I patted his head.
“No way, champ, will I touch that ball.”
Dad called him a second later, and Duke gave up on me, retrieved his ball, and took it back to his faithful companion. I turned the corner to the kitchen and saw Dad sitting on the floor for the dog and ball show.
“Hey, sweetheart,” he said, standing up to hug me.
“Do not touch me with those hands. You’ve been playing ball with a spit wad.”
“Oh, but it’s lovely spit,” he said, still reaching out to me.
I ran to the other side of the kitchen island.“Where’s Mother?”
Dad walked over to the sink to wash his hands.“You’re a brave soul. She is wondering what in the world you are up to. I’m wondering the same, but her curiosity is exceptionally piqued since she got word you went to see Emma. Are you ready to talk to her?”
“Do I have a choice?”
“There’s always a choice.”
“Yes, to deal with or to delay. I’m too busy to delay.”
“Do you want to practice on me?”
I gave him a hug. “You would not be practice for what I’m about to face. You wouldn’t even be a warmup. Just wish me luck.”
“Good luck,” he said, hugging me back and pointing upstairs.
I slowly climbed the stairs, wishing I was in one of those magical children’s novels, like The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, and that my stairs would lead me to an enchanted forest where I would be crowned the queen of something. The queen of anything. I would settle for queen of the Dukes at this point, spitball and all.
Her door was shut. I turned to glance into my room before knocking and noticed that there was stuff all over my bed. It was like a Kate Spade store. There were four Kate Spade handbags, ten pairs of shoes, even some that looked like flip-flops. There was an entire travel ensemble, with a wheeled carry-on and makeup cases. There was an executive ensemble, with what looked like a new satchel and a Day-Timer, with a coordinating wallet and key ring. I couldn’t help but smile. I also couldn’t help but wonder how long it must have been since I had told my mother I appreciated something about her. This overkill was evidence that it had been a very long time. I was glad I’d seen all this before I entered her room.
Her door opened just as I was about to knock. She looked beautiful, as always. She was wearing a pale blue silk Christian Dior robe, with a nightgown of the same color peeking out at the top. She had on her one-and-a-half-inch heeled bedroom shoes and stood exquisitely finished in full makeup and surprisingly subtle accessories.
“Hello, darling! When did you get home?” She opened the door wider.
“Just a few minutes ago,” I told her, coming into this room that held so many memories. During our at-home years,Thomas and I would always come up to Mother and Dad’s room at night, sit in their sitting room in front of the fireplace, and talk about our days. Mother would read to us while Dad read his own book. Then we would watch a television show, pray, and they would tuck us in.
“Mother, I love all the stuff in there on my bed. That was very thoughtful. I even saw a couple pairs of flip-flops,” I said, smiling at her and truly meaning it, not that I’d fight anything that worked.
She just beamed.“I’m glad you do. I thought it might help you with your new job. And if you have a lot of traveling to do, well, then you’ll have some things for that as well.”
I put my arm around her and led her to the chairs that we hadn’t sat in together for so long. “I was going to take you for a walk outside. But since you already have your gown on, why don’t we just sit here,” I said, motioning for her to sit down in her chair. I sat across from her in Dad’s well-worn chair.
She gestured to the closet.“Well, I could get dressed and we could walk down past the cemetery again.”
“No, I really think this will be more comfortable, and I’m not really in the mood for being that close to dead people. And we haven’t sat in here together for a long time. This will be a nice change of pace for us.”
“Savannah, I declare, you sound like you’ve grown into a woman,” she said as she perched her feet daintily atop her ottoman and wrapped her robe around her legs. “I remember how you and I used to cuddle in this chair every night. You would tell me the greatest made-up stories. One of my favorites was how you had written the president of McDonald’s asking him to boycott the entire city of Savannah until he put a McDonald’s downtown next to your father’s store,” she said, laughing.
“Mother, that wasn’t a story. I did write him.”
“Savannah, you did not!” she said, laughing even louder.
“How many times have you written them?”
“Well, in total, about twenty-five. Some were to report poorly maintained Coke machines, others were to report poor carbonation, and my last was a letter of special thanks,” I told her, not revealing it was for the machine they let my dad put in his store.
“What did you write to thank them for?”
“Just to tell them I appreciated their willingness to meet the needs of young children.” She would think I was talking about the Ronald McDonald house.
“Savannah, you are like no child I’ve ever met. You’re beautiful, yet not snooty. A trait you got from me, I might add,” she said in absolute seriousness.
“Mother, I rea
lly need to talk to you about something important.”
“Yes, I know you do . You have for a while. I figure it has something to do with beauty pageants. At first I thought you might be telling the stories of past queens. However, I figured out that wasn’t it or you would have wanted to interview me and not Emma. Then, I figured you must have found something intriguing, or someone intriguing, who spiked your interest.”
“Yes, I have.”
“And since I thought I had revealed about everything possible to be known regarding the world of pageants, I knew I would just have to wait for you to tell me yourself. So, Savannah, what has prompted your sudden interest in pageants?” At that moment she looked so vulnerable, so delicate, so . . .my mother, so the last person in the world that I would ever want to hurt. And she was Jake’s wife, and Jake’s rare wrath caused me far greater concern than this woman facing me. So I proceeded gently.
“Mother, the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you. And please know that I don’t even know all the facts yet. There might not be a story here at all,” I said.
“Well, tell me, and we’ll see.”
“Well, you need to know first that the story came to me. I didn’t seek it out. And for that reason alone, it seemed necessary to pursue it. I hope you’ll understand when I tell you what I know. But I hope you’ll understand even more what I think.”
“I trust you, Savannah.”
I began with the day I had first walked into Katherine’s store and finished with the events of the weekend, leaving out a few of my questionable activities. For almost two hours,Vicky did nothing but listen intently and nod her head when it was appropriate. She never asked a question, and for the majority of the time her head just rested on her hands as she watched every word come out of my mouth. When I was finished, she leaned back in her chair, rested her head, and closed her eyes.
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