Even after we returned home, Ray didn’t ask me about what happened. And I didn’t want to talk about it. Instead, I told him I didn’t feel well and headed for the bedroom. I took off my shoes and my gear before getting into bed and crawling under the covers. As I lay there, staring at the ceiling, I couldn’t help but wonder what the future would bring.
Part Three
Chrysalis
The best way To plan your next
conquest is on your own.
Others won’t hesitate
To steal your thunder . . .
and your lightning.
—Highlights from The Hustler’s Handbook
The easiest way To lose touch with
reality Is to shield yourself
from the world.
—Highlights from The Hustler’s Handbook
Chapter Eleven
And still I waited for that happily ever after . . .
I almost made it. Seriously, I did. I met with an advisor, set up a schedule, got my student ID, and even purchased some notebooks and study aids. But in the end, I never made it to that first day of class. In fact, I didn’t make it to college at all. One month after I graduated from high school, I officially moved in with Ray. With all that we had going on, I was basically getting my higher education on the streets of Columbus and at home with my man. I wish I could say it was all good, that I was living the glamorous life, but my decision not to go to school had an unfortunate consequence. Me and Mom stopped talking to each other.
It was hot the day it all blew up with Mom. When I decided to drop my classes, I didn’t have a choice but to let her know. And I did, one month after classes started. See, I couldn’t tell her at first because I knew how she would react.
“What the hell do you mean you’re not at State?” Mom asked me the day I gave her the bad news. “Well, I decided that I would hold off with school for a bit.
Explore my options, you know? I mean, I’m young and there’s plenty of time to go to college.”
Then it happened. The pain spread through my face so quick, at first, I thought she actually punched me with a fist. But then I felt the lingering pain of four fingers, a thumb, and a palm on my right cheek. Mom had dealt me an openhanded pimp slap.
I ducked in time to miss the second blow.
“Crystal Marie Sells, I can’t believe you!” Mom yelled at the top of her lungs as she prepared to strike me again. I couldn’t let her give me the beat down, and I bobbed and weaved so much I thought I was in the ring with Laila Ali.
“After all I’ve sacrificed for your ass and you’re going to miss out on the opportunity I never had! You ungrateful . . .”
Mom covered her face and started sobbing. I felt horrible, but I didn’t reach out for her. I knew she needed some comfort, but I also knew what she could do if she got a hold of me. I thought it was best to keep my distance.
“Mom, I’m sorry. I just wasn’t ready for school yet and didn’t want to get in and mess up or anything,” I explained.
She glared at me, and I had never seen her with so much pain in her face. Not even when my dad died. My eyes began to well up too.
“Mom, I’m going to go to college. I promise. I’ll have a degree one day. You’ll see.”
“Don’t you realize you lied to me? Here I’ve been, thinking you’re in class and telling my friends how proud I was that you were at State. You got me out here looking like a damn fool.”
“Mom, I . . .”
She held up a hand. “I don’t need to hear your bullshit right now, Crys. Here I was, thinking you’d be different. That maybe you’d look at what happened between me and your father and know your life had to be different. Maybe I should have moved further away from these damn streets after your father died. Maybe to another state. Maybe I shouldn’t have encouraged you to have your little purse parties and sell those bootlegs. Now you’re going to get caught up too.”
“Mom, you’re talking like my life is over. If you could just hear all the stuff we’ve got planned. I’m not going to end up in the ghetto. I’m moving up and out. Can’t you see that?”
Mom sighed and said sadly, “All I see is a girl who can’t tell the truth and who is getting involved with a man that’s no good for her, that’s what I see.”
“But Ray is the best thing that ever happened to me,” I said.
Mom sighed again before making her way to her favorite chair and sitting down. She had stopped crying, and her eyes were red and starting to puff up. I really did feel bad about the whole situation, but at the time, I also thought, I’m an adult now, and I make my own decisions.
“You know Crys,” Mom began, “I’ve always tried to give you good advice. I’ve tried to steer you the right way. But you think you’re all grown now.”
I began to speak but she raised a hand to stop me.
“You know, maybe you do need to spread your wings and see what life’s all about. You need to see what the costs of your actions are. Since you’re grown now, and my opinion doesn’t matter, then you need to go out and do it on your own.”
I nodded in agreement. “That’s what I want to do.”
“That’s fine. But don’t expect me to help you. In fact, you need to make sure all your stuff is out of here tomorrow or I’m calling Bulk Pickup and having it put out on the curb.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, surprised.
Mom ignored my question, saying, “And lose my phone number. When things turn south for you, and they will turn, believe me, I don’t want you calling and thinking you can just run up in here and be up under me.”
“But Mom, what’s up with that? Is this about Gregory? Is he putting you up to this? I mean, you trying to punish me or what?”
Mom’s glare was so hard, it felt like she had slapped me again. “Don’t you dare bring him into this. He had nothing to do with it.”
“How could I not bring up the man you’re replacing my dad with?”
Another slap did come. I don’t know how she got from her chair to where I was standing so quick, but she did. Then, just as quick as she rose, she walked to her chair and sat back down, heaving up and down as she tried to catch her breath.
“Lord knows, I’m sorry. And I pray I’m doing the right thing. The choice I’ve made may be hard on you, but don’t you ever question the love I had for your father. I stuck by him through thick and thin. But he’s gone now, and God has brought someone new into my life. Someone living the kind of life I want to lead. That’s more that I can say for you.”
She rose from her chair again before continuing. “I wish you the best, but you want to make your bed, and I want you to lie in it. I’m about to go to shopping. I’ll be out for a while. When I return, I don’t want to see you here. Make sure you leave my key on the table. I’ll be changing the locks tomorrow.”
“Can’t we talk about this?” I asked with a sense of urgency. “I mean, you sound like you’re cutting me off or something.”
“Good-bye, Crystal,” Mom said before she walked toward the kitchen. A couple minutes later, I heard her car start up. I was in the house alone.
It took me at least ten minutes to absorb our conversation. I wasn’t dumb enough to think Mom was playing with me. I could tell by the tone in her voice that she was beyond pissed. I just hoped it was a passing phase. She would get over it in a couple days and then call me and tell me to come over so we could talk.
I went into my room and looked around. Most of my gear, clothes, shoes, and such, were already at Ray’s house. Of course, I still had stuff there, posters on the wall, pictures of me and my friends, the large stuffed rabbit my dad gave me for my eighth birthday. Surely Mom wouldn’t get rid of that stuff, I thought. I decided against taking anything with me, not that I had anywhere to put anything on Foxy Baby. I convinced myself Mom was just upset. I did however, put the key on the table. I had a feeling she was going to change the locks. The key was my attempt at a peace offering.
I didn’t really
start getting upset until I went back to Ray’s. He wasn’t home yet. As I sat in the den, a sense of loneliness washed over me. I couldn’t explain it. I shook it off, ordered take out, and had the table set before Ray came home a couple hours later. As we sat at table, I picked at my food. I had lost my appetite.
“Something wrong?” Ray asked as he finished off a piece of fried chicken.
I nodded. “I told my mom about school today.”
“Uh oh. How did she handle it?”
“She smacked the shit out of me, that’s what.” I pointed to my bruised cheek for emphasis. “And then she told me to get out of her house and that she was changing the locks.”
Ray eyes widened as he sat back in his chair. “Whoa, Cristal, that sounds pretty major.”
I tried to play it off. “She’s just angry I dropped my classes. She’ll get over it in a few days. I’m not that worried about it.”
“Oh, and that’s why you’re over there moping over your food, right?”
“Well, I don’t want her to be mad at me,” I said.
“I got you. If you think you’ll be fine, it’s all good.” His attention returned to his food.
“Plus, we’re making changes,” I said. “We’re both going legit and we’ll be successful. I’ll prove to her that I made the right decision.”
Ray stopped chewing and looked at me strangely.
“What?” I asked.
I watched as he chewed and swallowed.
“We’re going legit. That’s what you told me.”
Ray smiled. “I’m going to take care of you, Cristal. You’ll never have to worry about a thing,” he said confidently.
I sighed in relief. “I’ll show her,” I said, hoping against hope that I was right.
Chapter Twelve
I waited for something solid and sure . . .
I should have known that the yellow in my brick road wasn’t gold. When I began relying on others, I lost sight of myself. Yeah, I was living large with my man, letting him take care of me so I didn’t have a care in the world. I was so in love with Ray that I made him the center of my life. I even gave up my own hustle. We celebrated the perfection of our relationship in every way. It seemed like time sped up, went into overdrive. Three years passed by in a blink of an eye. Everything happened so fast, it seemed like a dream.
Three years later, nothing had really changed. I was living a lavish lifestyle with Ray. We ate in Columbus’s best restaurants and he supported my addictions for Prada everything, Fendi and Louis Vuitton bags (real ones, no less), Jimmy Choo shoes, and one-of-a-kind boutique shopping by supporting my habit with a seemingly endless amount of cash. And yes, I became an addict. I was dressed in designer something everyday and all day. I basically became a wifey. The woman of a dealer who holds it down at home while the man brings home the bacon laced with crack cocaine and weed.
I played my part. I was a willing participant in the game. I kept myself in shape and made sure to look good for my man 24/7. When we weren’t eating out, I always made sure there was food on the table when Ray came home. Don’t get it twisted, I didn’t cook a thing, but I found a personal chef that would make complete dinners that I stored in the refrigerator and could warm up during the week. And Molly Maids kept our house in excellent condition. Despite all the good going on, something was missing. Or, should I be more precise, something was gone—the promise me and Ray made to each other to live a legit life.
I never asked about Ray’s business activities at first. I had been around the streets of the Meadows long enough to know what the deal was without having it thrown in my face. Plus, I never thought to ask. In fact, I put everything on the backburner until Ray started spending more and more time away from home. He was going on business trips, he said. Then he told me he couldn’t tell me where he was going. I took it all in, but then something started tugging in the back of my brain. Something in his voice, the way he looked at me when he tried to explain why I’d be spending another night in a cold bed. In the midst of my growing loneliness, it occurred to me that Ray’s constant planning to get out of the game had faded. And with the time he was putting in with the Cruz, it appeared that he was only falling deeper into the rabbit hole.
“I’m sorry, Ma, it can’t be helped. The Cruz got me ridin’ hard, taking care of business. I’ll make it up to you when I get back.” Ray bent down to kiss me, aiming for my lips. I turned my head and his heavenly lips landed on my cheek. Despite my frustration and irritation, the warmth from his lips spread from my face down through my body.
I resisted my body’s attempt to undermine my mind’s emotions. I stepped back, folded my arms across my chest, and pouted. “Why are they sending you off again?” I asked like he would really give me details.
“Why are you trippin’? You know the deal.”
I pouted again and began tapping my left foot. I may not have been tired of the life, but I was tired of the game. It was time for me to broach the subject we hadn’t touched on in a long time.
“When are you going to quit the Cruz. It’s been years . . .”
Ray’s irritated grunt interrupted me. “Oh, please, Cristal, I don’t need that right now. I’m under all kind of pressure and I don’t want to get into the future. I got to worry about the present. I got to worry about taking care of you and me.”
Maybe it should have ended there, I don’t know, but the line had already been crossed, and I was still in the race.
“So when are we going to deal with it, Ray? Huh? I’m sick of these late nights and sitting here all by myself. I want us to go out. I want us to do things like we used to. I want us . . .”
Ray pointed toward our bedroom. “And you know what else you want? You want those designer clothes, purses, and shoes. You want your ride looking good. You want to sit on your ass while I’m out there trying to get it done.”
I raised my hands. “Hold up, Ray, that’s foul. You know I was hustling on my own. You’re the one that asked me to give it up. You’re the one that said ‘Let me be the man, baby, and take care of you.’ ”
“Yeah, and I didn’t hear you complaining too much about putting a halt to your gigs, did I?”
I didn’t like where the conversation was going. I was hot and breathing heavy for all the wrong reasons. But the wound had been opened, and the blood was starting to pour.
“Oh, so it’s all on me?” I asked, my voice raised. “You’re the one that promised me the stars, Ray. You. And three years later, all I have to show for it is an empty bed and a stomach full of worry that one day you won’t be walking through that door.” My eyes began to water as I walked up to Ray and put my hands on his chest. “Ray, you said you were going to get out. Now is a good a time as any. We can live legit, like you said.”
Ray stared at me for a moment before pushing my hands away and turning his head. “You think it’s that easy?” He asked, his tone low and serious. “You think I can just go up and say, ‘I’m done. It’s time for me to live the straight and narrow.’ You should know it’s not that easy to sever the ties with the Cruz.” He turned to look at me again, his gaze intense. “You, of all people, should definitely know that.”
My lips began to tremble as tears fell down my cheeks. “Don’t you dare bring my dad into this! Remember, he did get out. He kept his promise. That’s what a man does. Keeps his promises.”
If looks could kill, the look Ray gave me at the moment would have stopped my heart midbeat. Mom had told me never to question a guy’s manhood, that it was the surest way to totally piss him off. As usual, Mom was right. Instead of responding to me, Ray shook his head, dug into his pockets for his keys, and headed for the door.
“Oh, you can’t speak now? You had so much to say a minute ago. You’re the one that tried to drag the past into this conversation and now you’re headed for the door.”
Ray turned around and opened his mouth as if he was going to speak. He looked sad, regretful even. He opened the door.
“You need to keep
your damn promises!” I yelled as the door shut in my face.
For the first hour after he left, I actually convinced myself that he would walk back through the door, ready to say he was sorry. I would apologize too, and all would be well with the world. I sat on the couch and stared in the direction of the door. I kept staring. During the next hour, I decided to take a nice bath. The stress of our argument had started to get to me. I felt bad. Maybe I had crossed the line. Maybe. And if I smelled good with some sexy lingerie on when Ray came home, maybe we could put our current troubles behind us for a while. Maybe.
I bathed and slipped into a nice thong and lacy bra. Ray still hadn’t come home. For the next hour, maybe two, I lay in the bed, thinking about Ray next to me, on top of me, kissing me, caressing me, inside of me. I was addicted to him.
During the fourth hour, I called his cell. I immediately got his voice mail. I hung up the phone without leaving a message. Five hours passed before a chill settled in and I wrapped warm sheets around my body. Once again, I fell asleep . . . alone.
Chapter Thirteen
But clouds could only hold me for so long . . .
After our big argument, Ray didn’t come home for two days. I called his cell repeatedly, but all I got was his voice mail. He didn’t return any of my calls. That first day, I was angry as hell, throwing stuff around, cursing, hating the world. But being there in that house, without Ray, let me know just how lonely I was.
As the years passed, my bonds with the Trio had loosened. I didn’t even notice it at first. There was a time when I was with my girls everyday. Then, everyday turned into every couple of days. Next, it was once a week . . . a few times a month . . . every month or so. I think we tried to maintain the ties as best we could. Phone calls became our preferred mode of communication. But even then, those conversations were few and far between.
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