You failed again. Just like everyone expected.
The keys fell from her hand as she slumped forward and cried. She cried for all the mistakes she’d made in her life. For the ruse her life had become, with these people thinking she was a hero. For the wrong man who wanted to own her, and the right man who didn’t love her back.
She cried because she was in the heart of Amish country with a dead battery, both in her car and in her soul.
25
Elsie turned away from the shadow of the old carriage house and tried to shake the image of those twin lights veering toward her.
Imagine an angel … that was what Ruben had told her.
Mamm.
Dat.
Woody. She smiled at the memory of the little brown dog who used to love to follow at her heels, but then the minute she opened her eyes and felt the heavy night sky falling upon her, those lights were back.
Cutting across the line of the highway.
Grunting toward her.
The blast of the horn jolted Elsie from her reverie. A car horn?
Haley.
She gathered the skirts of her dress and raced around the house. Cold air burned her lungs as she paused, spotting the little car, still and quiet in the gathering darkness. Why had it made that noise?
Her eyes adjusted again, and she saw that Haley was sitting in the car, her hands pressed into her face.
“Haley?” She knocked on the window. “Are you all right?” There were no lights on in the car, so it was hard to see her friend’s face.
A moment later, the door opened and Haley peered out. “My car isn’t starting. Do you think I can come inside for a few minutes?”
“Kumm.” The word was out before Elsie remembered that she had been trying to keep to herself, trying to keep from sharing her torment with everyone. And privacy was not something that was easy to find in an Amish house—especially when friends and family had gathered to mourn the dead.
“Come inside, and we’ll get you something to eat,” Elsie said, knowing that a good hot meal could cure many a trouble. Just not everything.
They sat together at the kitchen table, talking quietly, while Haley ate a bowl of the venison stew that Mary Beiler had brought. Haley was very upset about her car, and though Elsie sensed there was more going on, she didn’t probe. She knew that Haley didn’t want to talk about personal things in front of all these people, either.
Haley needed her father to come and pick her up, but her phone wasn’t “getting service.” Elsie went outside with her and waited as she tried to get a phone connection, but the milky white sky didn’t let Haley get through.
“We have a neighbor who has a phone,” Elsie suggested. “Marta is a Mennonite, and her family has electricity and a phone. Cars, too.”
“Can we walk there?” Haley asked.
“Sure. It’s just around the bend.”
Now that the sun had set, Elsie’s anxiety had drained, leaving her tired. This was the pattern of her days now. An unpleasant edginess leading up to the terrifying minutes of sunset. She yawned, noticing the wisp of white steam around her mouth.
“You’re tired.” Haley sighed. “I’m so sorry to do this to you now, with your whole family mourning your father.”
“You’re not to blame, and I’m happy to be out for fresh air. You can only sit around for so much time, talking and eating pie.”
“You always find the good in things, Elsie. I wish I could be that way. Sometimes I feel like everything I touch turns to dust.”
Elsie looked up at the beautiful girl. Even in the dim light, she could see the imprint of sorrow on Haley’s face. “Why do you think that? You do so many good things for so many people.”
Haley blinked back tears. “But I can’t even hold my own life together. Do you know my father has been reminding me about that car battery? It’s just a big example—a symbol—of how I’m still not being a responsible adult.”
“Mmm. From down here, you seem very responsible. But no one except Gott can see what’s truly in our hearts.”
“Ain’t that the truth.” Haley’s breath came out in a puff of white. “Maybe I should live Plain. It would be nice to live a simpler life. Less complicated.”
“Plain is good, but Gott has called you to something different.” And Plain lives aren’t free from pain, Elsie thought as they turned down the Kraybills’ lane.
They walked in silence for a bit before Haley spoke. “Elsie Lapp, there’s something you’re not telling me. I can feel your tension. No, more than that. Something has got you on edge, and I know you just lost your father, but this is something else. Tell me what it is. Because if you don’t talk about it, no one can help you.”
Elsie stepped onto the frozen mulch under the Kraybills’ big, bare oak and unburdened her heart. She told Haley about the terrible feelings that came every day at sundown. The horrifying memories. The sureness that darkness was crashing down over the world with each setting sun.
“That’s why I couldn’t talk to you before. It’s such a bad time for me,” Elsie finished. “I can barely breathe.”
“My heart aches for you. And you say it’s every day?”
“Ya. I thought it would go away. Emma said to give it time, and Ruben …” She paused, not wanting to share Ruben’s advice about the angels all around them. “Ruben tried to help, but it still hits me every day. Every day at sunset.”
“And it’s wearing you down,” Haley said. “I can see that.”
Elsie twisted her hands in the tips of her woolen scarf, searching for warmth she couldn’t find. “I don’t mean to complain. Everyone’s so sad now. Fanny’s lost her second husband, and there’s the baby coming and money matters to think about. Caleb doesn’t know what to do, now that Dat won’t be opening that shop. There are folks so much worse off than me. I don’t know why I can’t just be strong and take control of the fear.”
“But you can’t, and that’s okay.” Haley touched Elsie’s shoulder. “Sometimes we need a little help. That’s normal after what you’ve been through. We need to hook you up with Dylan, pronto.”
“No, that’s kind of you, but no.” Elsie shook her head. “Counseling isn’t really something for the Amish. We have our family and our ministers to talk to.”
“But this is a case where you definitely need something more.” Haley put her hands together in a prayerful gesture. “Please, talk to Dylan. Promise me you’ll give it a chance. Pretty please?”
Elsie hesitated. She could imagine the bishop’s cold glare. Once he heard she had seen a psychologist, he would be suspicious of her entanglements with the Englisher world. “I’ll talk to Dylan,” she said. “No harm in simply talking.”
Haley put one arm around her and gave her a hug. “And if that doesn’t work, we’ll find something else that does. I’m not giving up on you, my friend. I’m going to be like that persistent fly that keeps looping back into your kitchen for another taste of pie.”
A smile crept across Elsie’s face. “You’re always welcome in my kitchen, little fly.”
26
When the girls rapped on the door at the Kraybills’, Marta Kraybill offered much more than a phone.
“If it’s the battery, we have jumper cables,” she said. “But I can’t offer you a jump until the morning. Mitch is working tonight, and he’s got the car.”
Haley learned that Mitch Kraybill drove a milk truck in the area, and sometimes he was required to pick up milk from local Amish farms at night, so that the milk made it to the larger dairies within a certain window of freshness.
“You should stay at our house tonight,” Elsie suggested. “That way you can get a big jump in the morning. And I’d like you to stay.”
“It would save my father having to drive out here tonight.” Haley knew her parents would not be happy about that. “If it’s okay, I’ll stay the night.”
Elsie nodded. “I would like that.”
Haley called home, grateful that she didn’t have to i
nconvenience her parents with her most recent mistake. When she got the voice mail instead of an answer, she left a quick message for them. She thanked Marta, and told her she would see her in the morning, bright and early.
By the time they returned to the Lapp house, horse-drawn buggies were making their way down the lane, their lights and fluorescent orange triangles standing out in the dim night. The last of the Amish visitors climbed into their buggy in front of the house, and Elsie called good-bye to Rose and Ira Lapp.
“That’s Zed’s parents,” Elsie explained. “They’re taking care of the household for us until after the funeral. It’s a custom among the Amish, and I admit, it’s nice to not have to worry about making beds and doing dishes for a bit.”
Inside, the family was settled at the kitchen table, setting up the Game of Life. When Elsie explained that Haley would be staying the night, Will clapped.
“More players!” he exclaimed.
As Haley joined in the family’s activities, she interjected a few positive comments, though she tried to take a backseat and absorb their conversations. This was a rare opportunity, to sit with Amish people at their family table, especially during such a critical time for them.
There were worries and jokes and questions about the future. But through it all, the underpinning of love came through. Through thick or thin, this family would be okay because they knew what mattered: faith, hope, and love.
Would a visitor find the same undercurrent of love in her home? Haley wasn’t so sure about that, but she did love her parents. From now on, she would make sure they knew that.
Upstairs in Elsie’s attic room, the two girls sat huddled on the double bed, their backs against the wall, a blanket over their legs.
In a borrowed flannel nightgown and her own fluffy socks, Haley felt cozy, despite the nip in the air. Elsie had explained that the house didn’t have central heating, so they left the upstairs doors open all day, knowing that most of the hot air would rise to the attic level.
It wasn’t even eight o’clock, but weariness tugged at Haley. “I’m usually up way later than this,” she said, stifling a yawn. “I don’t know what’s come over me.”
“Nighttime is sleeping time. That’s what my dat used to say.”
“It’s not a bad idea. That way we can get up bright and early. I’ll get my battery boosted, then drive you into town to meet with Dylan.”
“Counseling.” Elsie winced. “No, I don’t like the sound of that.”
“Believe me, the alternative is worse.”
“I don’t like talking about my problems to strangers. What do I say? I cry like a baby every night when darkness comes.”
“That’s better than admitting that, at twenty-two, I can’t manage to take care of my own car.” Haley brought her knees up to her chin and tucked the nightgown. “Or I could admit that I have a crush on the therapist.”
“You and Dylan? Dr. Monroe.” Elsie covered her mouth. “Does he know?”
“Probably. But he’s not interested.”
“Oh. I have a tiny crush, too, but nothing will come of it.”
“Ruben?”
“How did you know?”
“You can sort of feel that love is in the air when you two are together.”
“Not love. Just … a crush. Like Orange Crush. Sweet and simple.”
“And what’s keeping you guys from becoming a couple?”
“I can’t ever marry. It’s my genetic disorder. Did you know that it might be passed on to my children?”
Haley nodded. She had done some research on EVC after she met Elsie.
“Well, I can’t let it be passed on. And our faith is strict about marriage and children. Once you marry, it’s expected that you have a family. So … I can never marry.”
“Really? Does that upset you? I mean, I’m not one of those people who needs to define herself with a man.” At least, not anymore, Haley thought. “But I do know that somewhere down the road, I want to have a husband and a family. It’s important to me. Sort of tops on my bucket list.”
Elsie squinted. “What’s a bucket list?”
“A list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket … before you die.”
“Oh.” Elsie frowned, considering that. “I think that, for us Amish, we let Gott take care of our bucket list. He’s got a plan for us all.”
“But what about having children? Being a mother? Having a husband to come home to at the end of the day? A best friend to share your troubles.”
“Oh, that would be right nice, but I can’t be dreaming about things that I can’t have in this life.”
Haley sneaked a glance at her friend, who sat with her head bowed. Her kapp now hung on a hook on the wall, and her long dark hair hung in a braid down her back. Wisps of hair fell over her forehead, and the dim glow from the kerosene lamp backlit the profile of her face.
“Right now, when I look at you, I see a beautiful young woman with a graceful smile and impossibly long eyelashes that most fashion models dream of. You don’t look so different from the rest of the world, and your community doesn’t single out your differences. Or does it? Is there something I’m missing?”
“Amish folk are pretty accepting of little people,” Elsie said. “We’re taught that Gott created us in His image, so we’re to love His creation.”
“And do Plain folk follow that rule?”
“Most do. Others, I don’t think they realize they’re wooed by physical beauty. A lovely smile like Emma’s. A tall, strong body like Caleb’s. Folks just can’t help but be drawn toward the things that please them.”
“I hear you.” Haley’s experience was from the opposite end of the spectrum, with men deciding that they liked her solely based on her physical appearance. “There’s no denying that looks do matter. But the wiser person, the more evolved person knows that it’s what’s inside that counts. And inside, you rock, Elsie. You’re a shining star.”
“You’re making me blush.” Elsie pressed her palms to her cheeks, endearing herself to Haley even more. “But denki. That’s sweet of you.”
“It’s all true.”
“Too bad not every man is a wise man.”
“And too bad American society rewards people for their physical appearance. Do you ever feel harassed by Englishers?”
“People stare at me. Sometimes it even happens at the Country Store. Visitors seem to be taking me apart with their eyes. Or they’ll ask me if I’m a midget. But I just tell them the truth, and the subject drops. The store has become a second home to me, and answering the questions of curious customers is just part of the business.”
“Sounds like you’re pretty strong,” Haley teased, “under that sweet-as-pie exterior.”
“I’m a tough cookie,” Elsie said with a smile.
Haley wanted to get back to the baby thing, but they were burning the midnight oil … literally. “I could talk to you all night, but we both have stuff in the morning. Cars to fix, therapy, wonderful guys we can’t fall in love with. We’re some pair, aren’t we?”
“A couple of silly geese.” She turned to Haley. “I’m sorry I turned you away when you arrived today. That was unkind, I know. But I was so upset. I wasn’t myself.”
“You don’t need to be sorry. Just promise me you’ll try to talk to me when it gets bad again, and I’ll do the same for you.” Haley stuck out her small finger and wiggled it. “Pinky promise.”
A grin overtook Elsie’s face as she held her pinky out for Haley to hook. “Piggy promise? You Englishers have the oddest customs.”
27
Elsie had very low expectations when she and Haley set out on Saturday morning. She didn’t believe a stranger could help her.
But by the end of the session with Dylan, she felt a soft sense of renewal. Springtime in her own heart.
That night, Elsie slid into one of the twin beds in Emma’s room, a whole person once again.
“Dylan Monroe is a very good doctor, helping you that way,” Emma s
aid, lowering the lantern light. Since Dat had died, Elsie occasionally joined her sister in the other attic room, reassured by the steady sound of Emma’s breathing at night. “Tell me what he did, once again. The box with the flashing lights?”
“It was just a row of lights that blinked, and he asked me to follow them with my eyes.”
“And that made you feel better?”
“It did, because I had to keep telling him what happened … about the accident. That was really hard to talk about at first. But then by the third or fourth time I went through the story, my heart wasn’t aching so much.”
“Praise be to Gott in heaven.” Emma let out a sigh as she settled in bed. “You were in such a bad way, honey girl. Caleb and I were wracking our brains, trying to think of some way to make you feel better, but we couldn’t come up with a single thing.”
“Dylan knew just the thing to do. That’s what psychology is for, I guess. I never put much stock in all that stuff, but now I’ve changed my mind. Dylan’s a doctor who wants to help people. He says he’s going to give a big session, and he hopes that everyone who was in the van will attend.”
“Now, that’ll be a tough one, getting old Jacob Fisher to go to a meeting like that.”
“Ruben and I are planning to go. We’re going to do our best to get the others to come along.”
“That Ruben Zook has been a real surprise, running the Country Store for us. I never thought he was the sort of person to come through in a crisis.” Emma yawned. “He’s always been such a joker. I think the accident brought out his serious side.”
“I think the accident brought out the real Ruben,” Elsie said. She had been thinking about the large young man who towered over her. A gentle giant. How had he kept his wonderful kindness hidden all this time?
And his faith in Gott …
He had told her that Gott sent angels in surprising ways. “I think Dr. Monroe is your angel,” he’d said. “Just listen to what he has to say and let Gott work through him.”
It had sounded like so much verhuddelt medicine at first. But Elsie had been in such a bad way, she’d decided to try it.
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