“I’ve been waiting all winter for a big snowstorm,” Elsie said. “I love the way snow covers everything with a pure coat of white.”
“Is it supposed to stick?” Dylan asked.
“I heard that we might get an inch or two,” George said. “You have to be careful out there. The roads get slippery.”
“How’s the van shopping going?” Dylan asked. “Is your business back on the road?”
“Not yet. Can’t find a vehicle that works for me. But then I’m not too eager to get back out there.”
Haley didn’t want to stare, but she’d noticed that George’s hands were still shaking when he went to pour coffee. She wished he would take Dylan up on his offer for private therapy sessions. The man was obviously still suffering emotional pain.
While they were talking Zed Miller slipped in and quietly took a seat. She asked Zed how his job search was going, and he said he had found some temporary work helping out at the Stoltzfus farm. He also added that he was “talking with the bishop” about joining the congregation now—which meant getting baptized. The way Haley understood it, Zed was welcome to return to the flock, though some in the community were a bit leery of him after his long absence. “I feel like I have to earn my way back,” he’d told the group.
Haley poured herself a cup of hot water for tea and took a seat, studying the faces of the people who had become like a second family to her. These sessions weren’t always lighthearted, but they had become the highlight of her week.
The door opened wide and Rachel King came in with her father.
“Good afternoon.” Nate King took off his hat. “Dr. Monroe, can I have a word with you?”
Dylan was on his feet immediately. “Of course, Nate.”
The others continued talking as Nate asked Dylan if he knew anyone with a truck or van. Haley listened in, hearing something about the rising medical costs for James Lapp. “Getting an ambulance to take him home would cost hundreds of dollars.”
“I have a friend with a van,” Dylan said. “He’d loan it to us for a day or two. Let me know when James needs it, okay?”
Soon after Nate left, everyone took a seat around the table and Dylan got things started. “I’m glad you all came back. I guess last week wasn’t too painful.”
“I thought the part at the end was good,” Ruben said. “That part when you did all the talking, nice and calm.”
“The guided imagery.” Dylan checked the faces of the others. “What was the general feeling about that?”
There were murmurs of approval.
“I think it got everyone thinking more positive thoughts,” Elsie said.
“Good. We’ll do that again at the end of our session. Does anyone have progress they want to report?”
“I’ve got some progress to share.” Elsie folded her hands under her chin. “Remember I told you about those bad feelings I got every day at sundown? And Dylan thought that I was connecting it to the time of day when the accident happened. Well, yesterday, I went outside the shop just before closing and I found a spot facing the west and I stood there, real stern. Like I wasn’t going to back down. And when the sky got all rosy and pink and then purple, I was still standing there and I was smiling. I made myself smile at the sunset. And you know what? It didn’t get me down at all.”
Ruben smiled. “Ya. You came back inside to close the store, and it was like a normal day.”
“Except that a few customers saw me out in the cold without my coat, glaring off at nothing. They must think I’m verhuddelt.” Elsie grinned.
Haley smiled, and some of the men chuckled.
“What does ‘verhuddelt’ mean?” Dylan asked.
“Crazy,” Zed offered. “But not in a good way, like Englishers think.”
“Well, I don’t think you’re crazy, Elsie, but that’s a wonderful story.” Dylan’s lips curved in a rare smile. “Good work.”
“I got some news about James,” Rachel said. “You know already,” she told Dylan, “because you’ve been visiting him at the rehab center. But the doctors are sending him home. He’ll have to keep doing his exercises and all, but he’s a strong man and he’s learned a lot really fast. He can get himself out of bed and all dressed, and he can move himself from the bed to the wheelchair.”
Haley gave her a thumbs-up.
“That’s wonderful good news,” Elsie said. “James must be excited to be coming home.”
Rachel’s lips puckered as sadness clouded her face. “James isn’t excited about anything these days. He’s downright mad. Like a bull that’s been teased.”
Haley bit her lower lip, not wanting to point to the elephant in the room. James was having trouble dealing with his paralysis. The doctors did not completely rule out the chance that he would regain the use of his legs, but they had hoped for more progress at this point.
“James came away from the accident with an injury the rest of us did not suffer,” Dylan said. “I’m sure you can understand his anger over his loss.”
“But the bishop says it’s Gott’s will,” Rachel insisted. “It’s not ours to question.”
“And we won’t go against the bishop in this room,” Dylan said. “That’s not what we’re about. We’re here to be constructive, not destructive. I hope that James will join our sessions after he returns home. I’m heading over to the rehab center to see him tonight. I’ll try to help him arrange some transportation to get him to our sessions if he’s interested. Right now he needs to be in a wheelchair. That’s the reality.”
“But I pray that Gott will let him walk again,” Elsie said. Sweet, ever-hopeful Elsie.
“We’ll all pray for him,” George offered.
Rachel nodded. “I’ll tell him that.”
“James is going through a difficult time,” Dylan said. “After the physical and emotional trauma he’s gone through, that’s not unusual. Everyone here survived a traumatic accident that has the potential to leave lasting emotional scars. You’re here because you want to recover. And the guided imagery exercise that we’ll finish with is a powerful tool for alleviating that suffering.”
“I’ve got something good to report.” The love and acceptance on their faces made Haley appreciate the rare bond in this room. “I found out this week that my nursing grade is up to an A now. Before the accident, I was in danger of failing.”
“That’s wonderful good,” Rachel said. “But hard to believe a good nurse like you could be failing.”
“That part is a long story,” Haley said. “But I’ve always struggled in school. Dyslexia and ADD. And after high school, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I tried a dozen different jobs, all failures. The thing is, I wasn’t sure what to do or where I belonged; but now I know. I belong in nursing.” She sighed. “After a lifetime of searching, I’m finally in the right place.”
“Another account of monumental progress,” Dylan said. “Wow. Some folks in this room had a very good week.” He talked about the effects of trauma on family members, and extended an invitation to family or friends who were still suffering post-traumatic stress.
Ruben shifted in his chair. “Can we do the guided imagery now?”
Dylan checked his watch. “Yes, we’d better get to that before everyone has to leave.” Dylan asked everyone to get comfortable in their chairs. “You may want to lean forward and rest your head and arms on the table. Let the chair and table support you gently, and then let your eyes glide closed.
“Now focus on your body. Take a full, deep breath, deep into your belly, and let the energy and comfort fill your lungs and abdomen. Then, as you breathe out, imagine that you’re releasing your pain and discomfort. Let it drift out through your nose and leave your body cleansed and refreshed.”
With a deep exhale, Haley imagined little barbs of tension and negative feelings rushing from the corners of her body and soaring out and rising high to blend with the deep blue of outer space, where they would not be a bother to any living thing.
Lulled by the sou
nd of Dylan’s voice, she surrendered to the warm, loving light.
29
“From above you, thick, bold white clouds part and a shaft of light shines down on you. It is God’s love,” Dylan said, watching the body language of the group gathered around the table with their eyes closed. Generally, in that part of the session, he called the light “gentle energy” or a “positive glow”; but as far as he knew, everyone in this group was a believer, a Christian, and so he had changed the words to speak personally to this audience.
“God’s gentle light spills over your shoulders, warming and caressing you. Its glow enters your chest, illuminating your lungs and ribs, gently easing any tension around your heart.”
As he spoke, his gaze paused on George, whose gray pallor and trembling hands were warning signs. The man was in crisis. As soon as the session ended, Dylan was going to make a date to visit George at home, hoping to enlist his wife’s help in getting George into treatment. If the man didn’t want to be treated by Dylan, they could work together to find another therapist who would take the case without charging. One way or another, Dylan was going to push George Dornbecker to get help.
The other unknown in the group was Haley. Was she a Christian? Dylan wasn’t sure, but so far she had not objected to his reference to God in the guided imagery. Ordinarily, as a therapist, he would ask her about her religious orientation. However, Dylan didn’t want to think of himself as her therapist.
That would preclude him from any personal involvement with her, and he wanted to be involved with her. In some ways, he already was. When he and Haley went to see James at the rehab center, when they shared a sandwich at the hospital or worked together with a patient, things clicked.
To be honest with himself, he was still working on his own issues, but he had spent years trying to lay his own ghosts to rest, and maybe it was time to man up and move on. That’s what Patrick had told him in his last few sessions, and his therapist was an intuitive guy.
And since Dylan had met Haley, he really wanted to move on. For the first time since he’d lost Kris, he had found another person who brought magic into his life. Haley could light up a room with a pop of brilliant color and honesty. He liked the way she put her personal stuff aside when someone else needed her. She was a helper. He appreciated the obstacles she had overcome to get into the nursing program. He loved the sound of her laugh, and sometimes he hated the fact that they worked together. If they were just friends, he could act on his impulse and kiss her. But as long as they were working together … that kind of relationship would be complicated.
When she had asked him about Valentine’s Day, he had wanted to laugh out loud. He’d thought of her that morning, when he’d noted the date. He’d even been tempted to send her flowers or candy … but he would have had to do it in secret, since they weren’t a couple. And that had led him to ponder the ethics of having her in this group session. If he wanted to be her boyfriend, he could not be her therapist.
That was a mess he would have to sort out later.
Right now he pushed his thoughts away so that he could give his all to guiding the group through the healing exercise. Long ago he had memorized the cues for the exercise so they could spill from his tongue, but he believed it was better when he put his heart and soul into it. Although he tried to come across as warm and professional in leading this group, in truth he was nervous and deeply honored to have been chosen by God to lead them in this healing process. It was a painful blessing, as his mom used to say, because the thing that had brought them here was terrible and tragic.
Still, accepting that bad things happened to good people, he was grateful to be an agent of God’s peace. A healer.
30
Ruben pressed the blue chalk to the clean blackboard.
BENEFIT AUCTION
TO PAY MEDICAL BILLS FOR JAMES LAPP
MARCH 4TH AT ZOOK’S BARN
FINE AMISH GOODS & CRAFTS
Long ago, he had mastered writing the square block letters that everyone could read. He propped the chalkboard on an easel near the barn entrance and reached for his hat on a hook.
“I’ve got to get to the meeting,” he told his father. “And then I’m going back to the Country Store.”
His father’s eyes were stern as he looked over the sign. “How much money do the Lapps need?”
“They got medical bills for almost twenty thousand dollars. James had two surgeries, and then he had to stay in that rehab center.”
Joseph Zook grunted. “That’s crazy. More money than any good family could afford, but what can you do? I thank Gott every day that my family has good health.”
A bitter memory stung the back of Ruben’s throat, and he looked away so that his father would not see his annoyance. Their family hadn’t always been blessed with good health. They’d lost Mamm and Paul, and there’d been that terrible year when Ruben had been stuck on the daybed in the kitchen. A year of blinding pain and so many setbacks.
And though the pain had faded, there were the scars … knots of flesh across his back and belly that made him look stout. And the limp that slowed him when he was tired. The awkward gait that sometimes made Englisher people stare and giggle.
Ya, that terrible time had forced him to turn to the angels, and he might never have discovered them without the pain. But Dat didn’t know any of that.
Although Ruben didn’t dwell on the pain of the past, it struck him that Dat forgot it all too easily.
His dat clapped a hand on his shoulder. “You’d better get going.” In a society of waiting, Dat could not abide a person who was late. No excuse for that.
“So I’m going to tell Elsie I can stay on for another few weeks, until after the auction.”
Joe tugged gently at his beard. “I reckon. But the bookkeeping is going to fall behind.”
“I’ll catch up on paperwork at night,” Ruben promised.
He had pretended to stop in at the family’s market for lunch—and he’d eaten a wurst on a roll—but really he had come to straighten a few things out with Dat. Ruben wanted to stay on at Elsie’s store, even after things were back to normal, but Dat didn’t think the business could spare Ruben.
At least I got some more time out of him, Ruben thought as he threaded his way through the customers in the aisle.
Zook’s barn was buzzing with conversation—chatty vendors and curious tourists. Everyone was caught up in the enduring cold of winter, trying to look forward to the thaw to come, those spring days when the pale gray sky burned blue and sad winter grass began to green. Folks spent so much time talking about the weather and crops. Ruben hadn’t realized that until recently, until he had met people who dared to talk about personal matters, like their hopes and fears.
In the weeks since the accident, something had changed between Ruben and the other young people in the van. Like a group of lone trees that had grown together into a forest, a bond had formed among the young passengers.
Not so much the elders, who took their concerns to the ministers and to their own wives. But the younger folk—Rachel and Zed, even Market Joe and Lizzy—they were becoming like family to him, too. Good family.
And then there was Elsie.
Ruben knew he could count on her as a friend. His initial instinct to protect her had grown into something more, something he had never encountered before.
Working side by side with her, he had come to rely on Elsie’s smile, the light in her eyes, the kind words she had for everyone. Every day with Elsie felt like Christmas Day. She was a little person, but she had a very big heart—a heart full of love.
Elsie had all the qualities that had been missing from Ruben’s life, and for every moment spent basking in her light, he wanted more. He wanted to wake up with her by his side in the morning, to sit with her for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And right now, the only way he knew to stay close to her was to keep helping her out at the Country Store.
As he walked down Halfway’s Main Street, he whistled a song.
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It used to be that Ruben sprang pranks on people who tried to get too close. People who looked too long at him, or those who gossiped about him behind his back, as if he didn’t hear the words that could cut him to ribbons.
But he hadn’t pulled any lousy pranks since the accident. Oh, his sense of humor was still intact, but he hadn’t felt the need to push anyone away. These sessions were turning him inside out, in a good way.
“I shouldn’t have been in that van,” Rachel said. “I know it’s done, and I can’t change what happened, but the bad thoughts keep going through my head. I shouldn’t have gone to the city at all. I was only there to make a deal with a gallery to sell my paintings. So selfish of me.”
“I wouldn’t call that selfish,” Dylan said. “And you weren’t violating any rules. George had room in the van, and you paid for your seat, like everyone else.”
“But I didn’t have to go,” Rachel said. “Don’t you see? If I had stayed home, maybe James would have been just fine.” She pointed toward the door. “He’d be walking around out there in his family’s orchard, hauling things around and singing to himself and …” Her voice failed her, and she pressed a fist to her mouth.
It hurt Ruben to see her in such a dark place, blaming herself.
“Dear Rachel.” Elsie reached over and took her hand. “It’s not your fault. What happened to James was terrible, but it’s Gott’s will.”
A Simple Faith Page 17