Depths

by C. S. Burkhart

  Little rays of sunlight shown through the thick canopy of willows….

  …I parked the car and turned the ignition off. 24976 Sunny Way. I was here.

  Just be yourself!

  What a stupid saying. Who else would you be?

  I was nervous and got out of the car and took a look at the street. It wasn't even getting dark yet but it seemed like it was the middle of the night.

  Sunny Way? I don't think so. The willows blocked out all but the tiniest slivers of sun, which never stayed in one spot for long. The breeze made the rays dance as the willows swayed, the rustling of the leaves the only thing that broke the stillness.

  I wasn't sure why, but this street just made me feel uncomfortable. I walked to the door and took a breath. My nervous anxiety was making my palms sweat. I was going to meet her dad today and I had heard some things about him. Nothing that I liked, but regardless, I wanted to make a good impression.

  Just be yourself!

  I wiped my hands off on my pants and knocked on the door.

  A middle-aged man with big thick-framed glasses and a receding hairline opened the door. He smiled at me revealing a large gap in between his two front teeth.

  “You must be Mr. Green,” I said as I held out my hand to shake his.

  Chapter 8

  He took my hand and shook it, firmly.

  “You're right about that,” he said cheerfully, “come on in, dinner is almost ready.”

  “Thank you,” I returned his smile and stepped inside.

  The house smelled of roast beef and potatoes, I could already tell that dinner would taste amazing. She always cooked the best meals. I followed Mr. Green to the living room and sat on the opposite side of the couch as him. He crossed his legs, folded his arms and looked me over like he was studying me. Must be where she gets it from. I folded my arms as well and tried to think of something to say. He sucked on his teeth, still looking at me with intense curiosity.

  “So,” he began, “what do you do for a living?”

  I hated that question. It’s such typical small talk. Not to mention that I wasn't exactly living the high life with my job. Anytime you say what your job is, it’s like you get judged as a person based off what you do.

  “Well, I work for a company that sells uh...” I paused and cleared my throat nervously.

  Cars, high end electronics, insurance any of those is better than what you really do.

  Just be yourself!

  He cocked his eyebrow, waiting for me to continue.

  “Ahem, sorry about that. Uh, we sell copy machines.”

  Unimpressed was an understatement of the expression on his face. He sucked on his teeth again, quickly glancing to his left and then back at me.

  “You sell… copy machines? Do people even still buy copy machines?”

  The mocking tone in his voice wasn't disguised at all.

  I saw her poke her head in from the kitchen, which connected to the living room. She mouthed “I'm so sorry,” to me and went back.

  “I guess they do, otherwise we wouldn’t sell them. Well, I mean, the company does. Sells them I mean. I don't. I'm a uh, security guard.”

  “Security guard? For a copy machine store?” He raised his eyebrows as he said this, like he was in disbelief that something that stupid could actually exist. I knew how stupid it sounded, shit, I’d have the same look on my face if someone told me that. I hated my job. And while getting paid to essentially do nothing isn't really a bad thing, it definitely doesn't help you feel like you do something that actually matters or leave much of an impression on people.

  I could feel my face getting red and my palms were sweating even worse than before.

  “Yeah, I know right?” I said as I scratched the back of my head nervously.

  “Dinner is ready!”

  Oh thank God.

  The sound of her voice made me feel better instantly. I can't stand awkward situations. Like being in an elevator with one other person. It’s so strange, I mean, what are you supposed to do? You can make small talk which can make both people feel uncomfortable, or you can stare off to nowhere which is still awkward. There’s really no good way to handle it.

  I followed Mr. Green to the other side of the house into the dining room and sat at the seat closest to the wall. I caught her eye again as she came into the room with a big platter of roast beef in one hand and a plate of potatoes in the other.

  We both smiled at the same time and I mouthed “thank you” to her.

  Mr. Green sat down directly across from me.

  Great. I already knew he wasn't impressed at all with me.

  Just be yourself!

  Shut up.

  Chapter 9

  I was back inside the room again. My head was racing. With every thought that passed through my mind, the room changed with it. It morphed from inside different houses to outside on a grassy hill, back to my house to inside the security room at Copymate Copy Machines. Sunshine, dark rooms, cool breezes, summer heat that made me sweat. I saw old classrooms and teachers, friends from over the years. My parents and my family. Inside of a car and driving, or just walking.

  The room changed with every thought that I had.

  Concentrate.

  How am I supposed to do that?

  “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?” My own voice boomed and echoed around the room and the words spelled themselves out as I thought it.

  You need some help. I can help.

  “Yes, please! Help!” I screamed out loud.

  “YES PLEASE HELP!”

  Give me a face, and a body. I'm just the voice inside your head right now. Build me a body and I can help. It will be easier if you use yourself as me.

  “How?”

  “HOW?”

  The voice engulfed me. My head felt like it was splitting open. As soon as I thought it, I heard a sickening crunch and the top of my skull started splitting down the middle. I felt the skin stretch and rip and blood began pouring down my face.

  Concentrate dammit! Put your head back together!

  I could barely hear him over my screaming. The pain was excruciating.

  Put it back together! Concentrate on creating me and it will stop!

  I tried to clear my head but nothing worked. Every time I saw a new change in the room, it triggered a new thought which in turn triggered a new change followed by a new thought. How do you think about not thinking? I tried shutting my eyes so I didn't have to see the room but I just saw myself in my mind shutting my eyes so I didn't have to see the room but I just saw myself in my mind shutting my eyes so I didn't have to see the room but I just saw myself in my mind shutting my eyes so I didn't have to see the room.

  Concentrate!

  And suddenly everything just stopped.

  Let me help.

  As he said it, I could finally focus. He needed feet to stand on and legs. He needed a body and arms and a neck. And lastly he needed a head. I could see him now. He looked just like me. At first glance, he seemed to have the same tired look in his blue eyes that I did, only they were much sharper. A kindness that glossed over his true intent and a slight malevolence I couldn't quite place. I realized he wasn't wearing anything but as soon as I thought that thought, he was dressed the same as I was. He looked at his arms and hands, curling and uncurling his fingers in decadent delight at the discovery. He closed his eyes and inhaled.

  “Let me help you,” he said, focusing his eyes on me.

  Get me out of here.

  “I'll show you how.”

  How did he hear me?

  “Because I’m you. So let's get us out.”

  Chapter 10

  He knelt down next to me and put his hands on my cheeks. They were cold. I looked at him, at myself, and my head stayed quiet.

  “It can be a little hectic in here sometimes can't it?”

  I wanted to say something, but it’s strange looking at another person who looks just like you so I just stared back blankly.

  He stoo
d up and nonchalantly walked around the perimeter of the room, talking as he paced.

  “So many things going on at once, it's hard to keep track of everything. But we need to keep track of what's happened don't we? We're in here for a reason right?”

  He stopped from across the room and looked at me again.

  “We're in here for a reason, aren't we?” He asked again.

  I nodded my head yes.

  “But the question is why… I think we need to retrace our steps, go back over everything that has happened the last couple of days and figure out why we're here. If we can do that, then we can get out.”

  What the fuck was he talking about?

  The door. The door! I looked to my side remembering the door I had first used to get into this room.

  The Voice In My Head followed my eyes to the door. His face was unimpressed as he said, “Do you really think it's that easy? Try it.”

  He motioned with his head at the door.

  I stood on shaking legs and used the wall to balance. It was hard to keep focus, the room felt like it was constantly moving and flickering between one scene to another.

  The door was parted, allowing a thin ray of light to fall upon the floor. Shadows moved across the ray of light and I could hear noise.

  I had to move slowly to keep from stumbling over the changing landscapes.

  The door opened before I could even knock and she stood in the doorway with a smile.

  God she's beautiful.

  One...

  I stood at my front door suddenly not remembering why I was outside in the first place. It was kind of cold and I didn't have a jacket.

  Thing...

  I gripped the door knob, perhaps it was open?

  To another...

  I put my ear to the door and listened. I could hear ragged breathing just outside as if whatever it was out there had its head pressed against the door just like I did.

  I opened my eyes...

  I already knew what I would see when I opened them.

  “No.. That's impossible…”

  “NO THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.”

  The words echoed around.

  THE WORDS ECHOED AROUND.

  I could hear footsteps behind me. The Voice In My Head had followed me through the door.

  I COULD HEAR FOOTSTEPS BEHIND ME THE VOICE IN MY HEAD HAD FOLLOWED ME THROUGH THE DOOR.

  “You're losing focus again. Try to keep your thoughts focused on one thing.”

  I tried to calm my breathing and I pictured myself in my mind being calm in my mind being calm in my mind being calm in my mind being calm....

  “Stop it!”

  He slapped me across the face and it stung.

  “Listen to me. We’re in here for a reason. This room will reflect whatever thoughts you have in your head so stay focused. I can help, but I can’t do all the work. If you start panicking and freaking out then I can’t do a whole lot. Stay calm and focused and I can at least keep things… Settled down. If you want to leave from here I suggest you start listening to me.”

  “I want out.”

  He smiled at me.

  It was still impossible though. I had walked through the doorway in the white room into the same room I had just left. The door was still open but I couldn't see past it. I walked back to the doorway and stepped through…

  …Into the same room.

  “Told ya' it wouldn't be that easy,” His voice rang out behind me. I turned back around to look at the doorway again, and just like it was before, I couldn't see past it. I walked back through it into the same room I had just left and saw the Voice In My Head standing there with his hands in his pocket.

  “Why isn't the room changing right now? I'm thinking all kinds of things.”

  “Let’s just say I’m doing the driving right now.”

  “So then how do I get out of here?”

  “Like I said, we'll have to figure out why you’re in here in the first place.”

  He took his hands out of his pockets and looked at his nails, wrinkling his nose before trying to dig out whatever was underneath them with a nail from his other hand.

  He continued, “so why are you in here? What did you do, what happened to you?”

  “Shouldn't you know the answer to that?”

  He laughed.

  “If I'm the voice inside your head, then what am I?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean just that. If I'm the voice inside your head, then what am I?”

  I shrugged my shoulders, I had no idea.

  He sighed as he said, “It means I'm your conscious thoughts.”

  I just stared.

  “You really are clueless aren't you?” He put his head into his hand and pinched the bridge of his nose, “something or someone put you into this room. If you don't know what it is then I don't because you're blocking it from your conscious thoughts. Does that make a little more sense?”

  I nodded my head.

  “If we can go back in your thoughts and remember what happened to you, we can get out.”

  “How? How will that magically get me out of here? And I thought you said I was blocking it anyways?”

  “Yes I did say you were blocking something from your memory. That thing is the barrier preventing you from leaving through that door.”

  Strangely, he was starting to make more sense. “Now,” he began again, “I can only guide you so much in your memories. If you start losing focus, there's only so much I can do to steer you back on track. If you haven't figured out a piece of the puzzle from your memory, you can always start the memory over again. The more of me you see in your memories, the worse you're doing because that means I'm actually entering your memories with you in order to try and control them better. Got it?”

  “Sure… Wait, one more thing.”

  He raised his eyebrows.

  “You said you were my conscious thoughts. If that’s the case then how do you know all of this? How do you know more than me? Shouldn’t you know the exact same as me and know just as much as I do?”

  His face grew deadly serious at my question.

  “You’re talking to the voice in your head, trapped in a room that you can’t leave and reflects your thoughts. You know these things, you’ve seen it. I can’t explain it, but I’m obviously not lying about it am I?”

  “Well no but—“

  “Do you have anymore questions? Or do you want out of here?”

  The look in his eyes told me that I shouldn’t ask anything else. He did have a point, he wasn’t lying, I was very clearly experiencing exactly what he told me.

  But the look in his eyes… So cold. Maybe he wasn’t telling me the whole truth… But that would mean that I wasn’t telling myself the whole truth. What good would that do me, or him?

  Either way, I didn't have much of a choice but listen to him. He knew what was going on with the room and helped me with that…

  Still didn’t feel quite right though.

  “Fine, where do we start?”

  Chapter 11

  “Well, you should get comfy.”

  I looked around and felt my way to the wall before sitting down against it.

  “You're going to need to remember everything, anything that could help. Don't let your emotions get the best of your memories though.”

  “What do you mean?”

  He didn't answer my question but instead continued, “Like I said, I'll help guide you. But if you lose control there's only so much I can do.”

  I nodded my head and took a breath.

  “Just be yourself!”

  “What?”

  “Just be yourself!” He called again.

  Just be yourself.

  Shut up…

  …The smell of the roast beef and potatoes made my mouth water. Even though the dinner had gotten awkward with Mr. Green mad dogging me from across the table, there was no way I was not going to enjoy her cooking.

  I always loved her cooking.

  Her a
nd I exchanged glances the entire meal, catching each other’s eye in between bites and gulps.

  Quite some time had passed without any conversation, which I was perfectly OK with, until Mr. Green cleared his throat.

  “So what do you think of my daughter going away to law school?”

  “Actually Dad,” she cut in, “we hadn't really discussed that yet.”

  Law school? Going away?

  Pay attention.

  “Wait, what do you mean going away for law school?” I asked, confused why she had never mentioned this.

  “Babe, please can we talk about it later?”

  “No, what do you mean going away? Where to?”

  Mr. Green seemed pleased with the confusion he had caused.

  Why so happy about all this Mr. Green?

  He doesn't like me.

  Obviously.

  “I don't want to discuss it right now, we can talk about it later.”

  There's the serious tone I was looking for. I knew I could either drop it or keep pushing. With that tone in her voice though, if I kept pushing it wasn't going to end well.

  “Well it's nice to know you think enough of our relationship to not mention going away for school. Anything else you haven't mentioned?”

  She dropped her fork and knife onto her plate with a clatter.

  She's gonna kill me later for this.

  She grabbed her plate off the table and left into the kitchen. I heard her drop the dish into the sink and she stormed off, stomping up the stairs to her room.

  The door slammed shut upstairs.

  Mr. Green wiped his hands on his napkin and stood from the table. He took his plate and cup into the kitchen and placed them in the sink.

  “Well, I suppose I should get going. Looks like you two have some things to talk about. It was nice to meet you.”

  “Nice to meet you too Mr. Green,” I mumbled.

  Prick.

  “Call me Charles.”

  He opened the door and left, leaving me at the dinner table with my plate still over half full. Or half empty. Depends on how you look at it.

  She lied to you and he knew.

  She didn't lie, she just didn't tell me.

  Lie of omission? But he still knew.

  So?

  So why did he know and not you?