by Darby Briar
Still frowning, Lily says, “Well whatever, but something sexy. I wanna watch that man suffer. He’s been nothing but a dick to you since you got here, so we’re gonna make you look so good he’s gonna eat his heart out.”
I sigh.
“Sorry . . . sorry. I forgot. No talking about the guys.” She pulls her fingers over her lips and throws away the make-believe key.
We end up watching one movie. At ten, Lily goes to pick up Axel who finally called for a ride, and Bethany puts Medda to bed. I clean up dinner and the toys in the front room.
When Axel gets home, he reeks of pot. His light blue eyes aren’t red though and he swears up and down, he wasn’t the one smoking it, but Bethany’s livid. They face off against one another until finally Bethany ends it and sends him to bed with a warning that they’ll talk in the morning. As Axel passes by the kitchen, scowling and trailing the pungent scent that reminds me of home through the house, I take in his strong features. He has olive skin, a cleft chin, and prominent cheekbones. His hair is the same golden-blond as his mothers, and he has a lanky build, but broad shoulders he hasn’t yet grown into.
A few seconds later, the entire house rattles with the force he uses to slam his door.
I can’t help but think it’s sad that he has a mom who cares and he’s taking it for granted.
Lily’s pops the cork on the wine. She fills three wine glasses. Before she can finish pouring, Bethany marches in and snatches one from the table. She chugs it, and then holds it out for Lily to refill. Thrusting it toward us, she says, “To grandchildren. If it wasn’t for the promise of grandchildren, it’s quite possible we’d kill our teenagers.”
Lily laughs and raises her glass. “To friends and shopping trips to the mall.”
I raise my glass. “I just hope like hell tomorrow is a better day than today.”
We clink our glasses together and I take my first sip of wine I’ve had since leaving Warner. The tart liquid swirls over my tongue and slides down my throat. It’s bitter and probably not my drink of choice, but for my first girls’ night out since I turned twenty-one a year and fifteen days ago . . . it’s memorable.
Time heals some wounds, while giving others the chance to fester and bleed until we’re never the same as we once were.
EMBER
For a long time we talk about everything besides Mav, Goose, and Dozer. They ask me about myself and I tell them about home and my mom and Sunny. They raptly listen as I recount all of the many jobs I’ve had over the years. I say nothing of Will, knowing that if I do I’ll spend the rest of the night crying.
Lily’s story follows mine, and I discover how much worse my childhood could have been. Learning about all she went through at such a young age has a vice gripping my heart and tightening around it until she gets to the part about how she finally turned her life around.
I also learn Bethany was raised by loving parents. Her mother’s a nurse and lives in Rio Rancho, but is always far too busy to help her with her kids, and her father died a couple of months after she finished high school. Killed in a training accident while on duty with the military. Shortly afterward, Dozer signed up to go into the Navy, and she broke it off with him because she just couldn’t deal with the possibility of losing him too.
Knowing Dozer was in the Navy helps me make sense of the one tattoo I’ve seen he has high up on his arm. It has an eagle standing on an anchor. There’s also a trident and an old revolver in the image and the words, “THY WILL BE DONE” written above it. His shirt covers it most of the time, but when he wears his sleeveless shirts to the gym, it’s completely visible.
Getting to know a little of their story makes me feel all the more guilty for not telling Dozer how I really feel. The next time I see him, I need to clear the air.
The next time I see him . . .
Does that mean I’m staying?
Over the course of the last few hours, my situation has changed entirely. I have a safe place to stay. Money. A job. Friends who seem more than willing to help me. I have a way to check on Sundown and Will if only my sister would answer or call me back. I also have a man who turns my body to liquid every time I see him, begging me to stay so we can give the attraction between us a chance to become something more.
But I won’t stick around if it means jail time or being sent back to Warner, and I sure as hell won’t put up with Mav’s mistreatment a second time. But the fact remains, ratting out the club isn’t an option, and I don’t know which Mav I’ll see when he returns, or when Davis will come looking for me.
It’s a waiting game I’m playing, and it’s dangerous. My freedom hangs by a thread. I know that. But in the back of my mind, I’m holding on to this small ray of hope that the man I saw in Mav today is the one who’ll come back in three days. And maybe, if he truly wants me, he’ll understand and protect me from my past when it comes calling.
Mav and the club just might be the only things that can.
Lily gestures to the green drink Bethany’s mixing. “What do you call that again?”
“Lethal Kryptonite. Named after you know who.” Bethany opens the refrigerator, pulls out the pineapple juice, and pours some into the glass until the liquid touches the brim.
Lily stands from her stool at the bar. “Tell me again how to make that drink with Jäger. The one you made for me last time. I’m gonna name it after Goose.” She wobbles a bit as she circles around the kitchen island.
We’ve all had too much to drink and that was before Bethany unlocked the liquor cabinet and started serving the hard stuff.
“Teach Doll,” Lily snickers, “ . . . teach Doll how to make cock . . . tails.” She throws her head back to laugh but nearly falls over. Thankfully, she catches herself by gripping the edge of the table.
Bethany shushes her.
Placing her hand over her mouth, Lily smothers her cackling. When she recovers, she whispers loudly, “She needs to make a drink she can name after Mr. Hot and Broody.”
“Mr. Fire and Ice,” I mutter before taking another sip of my Mai Tai.
“Ew! That’s perfect!” Lily screeches earning her a hissed, “Lil’,” from Bethany.
“Sorry.”
Bethany takes a big swig of her drink and groans. Licking her lips she says, “Almost as good as the real thing.”
Lily and I giggle.
“You’re drunk enough to talk about Dozer?”
Bethany shrugs. “I’d rather talk about Hodge.”
Lily shakes her head and gives Bethany a disappointed look.
“What? It’s what’s I do, right? Pick Hodge because he’s safe and easy, and loving him doesn’t terrify me or make me crazy. Only, because some senior citizen couldn’t see him on his bike and the son of a bitch was too stubborn to wear his helmet, I’m alone now and thinking about somebody else. Someone I shouldn’t be thinking about.
She sighs dramatically and leans back against the counter. “Letting Dozer into my heart again would be the worst mistake I could make. So have at ’em, Doll.” She waves her hand toward me.
“There is nothing going on between me and Dozer,” I tell her honestly.
After studying me for a minute she says, “I believe you. I’m sorry. That was rude of me. It’s obvious you have something going on with Mav.”
“Bethany,” Lily groans. “You’re being stubborn.”
“No, I’m being reasonable. I’ll admit that I can’t look at the giant without wanting to climb him like he’s a goddamn tree and I dream about having sex with him at least once a week.” At Lily’s glare she admits, “Okay, twice a week. But God, the fucking man gets better looking every year. I mean, seriously. What the hell is up with that?”
“So just have sex with him then,” Lily whisper yells.
“No. He’d want more. I know him. Plus, we’re oil and water. We don’t mix. I need safe and simple, and he’s complicated and messy.”
“Bethany.”
“Can we please talk about something else?”
&
nbsp; Lily groans. She and Bethany have a little bit of a staring contest until Bethany says, “Doll’s turn.”
“There’s not much to tell.” I shrug. “He hated me. Now he likes me. He’ll probably hate me tomorrow.”
“But he kissed you,” Lily states.
“Yes.” I hold up my fingers. “Two times.”
“Holy shit. How was it?” she asks.
I take another sip of my drink. “Hmmm. Good.”
“Good. Or oh-my-God-good?” She wiggles her eyebrows.
“Oh-dear-God-I’m-on fire-good,” I answer and Lily squeals.
“Lily! For the love of all that’s holy,” Bethany hisses.
“Sorry. Sorry.”
Bethany leans in front of me on the island counter. “Mav’s a catch. You should totally lock that down. He’s sexy as hell, too.”
Shocked, I gape at Bethany. “What? I don’t like him like him. But no one can deny he’s male model hot. And he’s a good guy. You know, he’s the only one who comes around to check on me. Cap used to help me out sometimes, but I could tell he hated doing it. Ever since I dear johned Dozer, he hasn’t liked me. He gave Hodge a lot of shit when he wanted to claim me as his old lady.
“The HOCs like to say we’re family and all, but Mav and Lily are the only ones who treat me like I’m still family.
Mav comes around and gives me money, even though I’m always a bitch about it. I know he can be a dick, but I think that’s just because he’s still hurtin’, you know? He used to be the best guy I knew, besides Hodge.”
My curiosity wins out and I find myself asking, “You knew him before Dana?” She nods as she sips her drink. “What was he like?”
Putting her drink down, she taps her finger over her mouth and looks up at the ceiling for a minute. “I don’t know. I guess he was a lot like Bodie. Happy. Carefree. Kind of a jokester and everybody’s best friend. He liked the ladies, and they liked him, but he wasn’t as promiscuous as some of the guys are. And he was funny about club stuff too. Hodge told me once that he had a big problem with some of the illegal jobs the guys used to do and they’d give him a lot of shit about it. They even tried to give him the road name Saint. He hated it though and beat the shit out of anyone who used it. After that, everyone just called him Mav. Or after Dana, Rick the Dick behind his back because he’d snap at everything and everyone.”
Lily interjects, “That girl must have done a real number on him.”
“All I know is that he was pretty devoted. I’m not sure why though. She was nice looking and all, but had that gothic rocker vibe. Dark, quiet, sad. Troubled. When she left him, he went a little crazy. It took him a month to find her. When he did, she was in bed with another man and blissed out on drugs.”
My heart cracks open for Mav. I know what it feels like to have someone disappear on you. You hope every day that it’s an oversight, a mistake, just them being forgetful. Every day you think, surely they’ll call or come home today. You worry that something happened. Maybe they were in an accident. Maybe someone hurt them. After a while though, your worry turns to anger and then bitterness. I know what Mav felt up to the point when he found her, but not after he did. I never found my mother. I have no idea what happened to her. But I have a feeling she’s out there somewhere living the life she wanted to live. The one without kids, bills, and responsibilities.
Finding Dana with another man must have torn Mav’s heart in two. It explains why he’s broken. Why he couldn’t stand the sight of another girl who looked like her coming into his home.
For a moment, I let myself imagine what it would have been like to meet Mav before Dana. What would it have been like to walk into his office that first day and meet Maverick Gunn and not Luce? It still would have been lust at first sight, but would it have been love at first sight too?
Ugh . . . Ember . . . listen to yourself.
“I know he’s broody and mean and all, but the man knows how to . . .”
As if Lily’s drunk self suddenly realizes what she’s saying, her face turns ashen and her eyes dart away from mine. “Oh, God, I’m drunk. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinkin’.” She hurries to say, “It didn’t mean anything. And it was forever ago.”
Nausea builds in the pit of my stomach. Against my will, images of them together roll through my mind. A sharp pain pierces my chest, and I don’t know when it happened but my jaw has dropped and I’m not sure I have the ability to lift it.
Her sad eyes meet mine. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. But sooner or later if you guys got together, I’d have to tell you. I was the new clubpiece and I didn’t really have a choice.”
I nod. It makes me sick. But at the same time, how can I hold it against her? She didn’t know me, and Mav didn’t either. “I get it. If you hadn’t told them I was virgin, I would have been doing the same thing.”
Bethany chokes on her drink, spits it out on the floor. When she recovers, her big eyes meet mine. “You’re a virgin?”
“No.” The ball of nausea in my gut eases and the corner of my mouth tilts up. I watch her wipe her face and then get paper towels to clean up the floor.
“I just told the guys that to buy her some time. I hoped by saving her for Edge, they’d leave her alone for a while,” Lily explains.
Bethany looks doubtful. “And they bought it?”
Lily grins. “Yeah. Hook. Line. And sink . . . her.” She starts smiling again.
Bethany looks at me with an expression that says, “Oh, my Lord, she’s wasted.” Then she rolls her eyes and continues to mop up the mess.
Something wiggles on the top of my thigh and startles me. Looking down, I remember the phone in my pocket.
After pulling it out, I see I have two messages.
Luce: 512 miles of road and I don’t remember a mile of it . . . I can’t stop thinking about you.
Luce: You there?
My insides do a series of flips. Goosebumps spread over my arms. Not only because he’s put himself in my phone as Luce, but also because he’s texting me. The messages are spaced thirty-eight minutes apart with the last one being sent a second ago.
“Is that a message from him?” Lily tries to peak over my shoulder. I pull the phone tight to my chest and she laughs. “It is. Look at you. You’re blushing.”
I fight to push down my excitement and embarrassment, as I stare at the phone for a good five minutes trying to think of what I should say back, if anything.
Bethany and Lily start making themselves Silver Sanctuaries. The drink Lily says is named after Goose.
I type and delete what I write five times before I decide to go with something simple. I don’t tell him how excited I am to hear from him, or how I can’t stop thinking about him either. Though both are true.
Me: I’m here . . . still here.
His reply comes within a few seconds.
Luce: You scared me. Didn’t think you were going to respond. Thought maybe you already left.
Me: I wouldn’t leave without telling you.
Luce: You don’t know what that means to me, Doll. You doing okay?
Me: Yeah.
I almost leave it at that. But I find myself typing and deleting again. Finally, after taking a breath, I just type my thoughts and hit send.
Me: Bethany’s mixing drinks. Lily’s toasted. We’re having a girl’s night.
Luce: And you are . . . ? Sober . . . drunk . . . ?
Me: Feeling relaxed.
Luce: Having a good time?
Me: Yes. And believe it or not, I’ve never done this.
Luce: What?
Me: Had a girl’s night out.
I’ve had a girls’ night out with Will, when we’ve gone out for ice cream, or rented a movie and stayed in. But never with friends.
Luce: No?
Me: No.
Luce: Then I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself. I’ll let you get back to it.
I feel a pang of regret that he’s ending our exchange. But I’m not about to tell him that.
>
Me: Okay. Good night.
Luce: Night, Doll.
Later, as I lay in the bed in the guest bedroom, my mind wanders to Mav. Where he is? What’s he doing? Is he staying with another club? Or is he out at a bar with the guys? A million scenarios run through my mind and most of them are not good. They make the sick feeling in my stomach come back full force.
I know there’s no need to worry about him being tempted by drugs, but what about other things. Getting in trouble with the law. Women coming on to him. Without his chilly demeanor, I can see a lot more women flocking to him. And the idea of Mav having sex with someone else not only makes me want to rush to the toilet bowl to get rid of all the alcohol flooding my system, but it makes me want to hurl a breakable object at the wall.
If I stayed and let him get close to me, if we started something, would he cheat like Bodie? Would he expect me to share him? Could I ever really trust him even if we promised to be exclusive, especially when he’s away and partying with another club? Who knows how many clubpieces they have and no doubt they’re just as slutty or more so than the ones at the clubhouse.
It scares me to admit, but without a doubt, I could fall in love with the side of Mav I met today. If I did, it would Hetear me apart to give him my heart and then find out he was with someone else.
Obviously, this is something I shouldn’t worry about until I figure out things between us. Still, thoughts of him with someone else keep me up half the night.
There can be no lonelier place than to be at a party among strangers.
EMBER
Bethany groans as she looks around the parking lot. Her hands tighten on the steering wheel and she blows out a puff of air that makes her bangs lift away from her forehead.
“How upset do you think Lil’ will be if I don’t show up?” she asks.
“She threatened to sell your dirty underwear on eBay and never again come over for Margarita Monday’s,” I answer with a half-smile.