by J. M. Madden
“You know it wasn’t your fault,” he said, leaning forward. Surprising even himself, he reached forward and touched her hand, lightly, before drawing back. Marigold caught his scarred fingers before he could pull away completely.
“I think we’re both carrying a lot of needless guilt,” she murmured, her gaze hitting his for a long, timeless moment. Squeezing his fingers, she let him go.
Yes, they probably were, but he didn’t know how to release the albatross. Reaching blindly for his glass he tipped the remainder of the liquid into his mouth, relishing in the coolness.
Marigold watched him for a long moment and some understanding passed between them. Logan suddenly felt more connected to this young woman than he had anyone else in the past year. And it scared him. Once he found Miller’s family, his list would be complete and he would be free to do as he liked. That didn’t include tying himself to another person who would have to eventually take care of him.
Looking away, he flagged down the waiter for another beer. One was usually his limit, but he didn’t know what else to do with himself while she sat there.
As if in answer to an unspoken prayer, Duncan drew everyone’s attention.
“I want to thank you all for being here. I know we don’t really need a reason to get together and drink, but I think this is an especially good one. Parker and Andromeda,” Duncan raised a glass of beer to the beautiful couple, “welcome to the Lost and Found family. Again. I look forward to doing business with you.”
Parker pushed to his feet and limped close enough to shake Duncan’s hand, then they did a shoulder press and back slap. Both men were grinning, and Logan had a feeling they liked each other a lot. Duncan had to be a stand-up guy to run a business like this, so Logan assumed Parker was a good guy as well. And his fiancée or wife was stunning, beaming proudly as she watched.
The solidarity in this place, with these people, was really something. If he didn’t have a different objective in mind, he would like to be a part of this group as well. Who wouldn’t?
Several waiters came through in a wave to take food orders, and Logan realized he would be dining with Marigold. That was fine. He could do it. He just had to remember to keep his emotional distance.
Marigold felt it was fortuitous that she was still sitting at Logan’s secluded table when they started to order food. “We can join the group if you’d prefer...”
Logan shook his head. “I’m good here. I don’t know anyone enough to be good company.”
“I disagree. I think you’re fine company.”
He grimaced. “Then you’d better stay here.”
She took it for the invite it kind of wasn’t.
Colorado was a natural topic of conversation and Logan seemed genuinely interested in the state. Marigold didn’t try to gloss over the things she knew he wouldn’t be able to do with his disability, she told him about everything. “And honestly, I’m still learning. I moved up here to go to school, so I haven’t done a whole lot yet. I’m looking forward to summer, though, and hiking.”
His brilliant sea-glass eyes narrowed. “What are you going to study?”
Sigh. She was hoping he wouldn’t ask. “I’m going to the University of Denver Graduate School of Professional Psychology, with a focus on Military Psychology.”
Logan drew back, as she’d expected him to, and his battered face seemed to close down. Marigold was afraid of this. She didn’t want him to think that she was hanging with him just because of professional curiosity. It was quite the opposite, actually. She was very definitely personally interested in him.
Which was actually even worse. The guy was from Virginia and would be returning to Virginia once they’d found his family. Nothing that developed between them would ever go anywhere.
Maybe that could be an advantage, too, though. If they knew there was no long-term commitment, maybe they could just have fun.
The damn flip-flopping her mind was doing was going to make her sick.
Had Logan been with anyone since his injury? Dangerous thoughts, girl...
The waiter arrived with their food and it gave them a little breathing space so that they didn’t have to talk.
“Kind of ruined the vibe, huh?” she asked eventually, after they’d tasted their entrées. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re under scrutiny. I haven’t even started classes. I’ve been working and saving my money. Mom left a lot of hospital bills. My grandmother promised to help, but she doesn’t have a lot either.”
Logan glanced up at her. “It’s okay. It just took me by surprise. It’s actually a very worthwhile path of study. I’ve talked to more than my share of psychologists and they have helped me with some things. It’s just hard to open up and be vulnerable.”
“I completely agree,” she said softly. “I’ve talked to my fair share as well. Between Mom fighting her demons and being the child of a war casualty I barely even remembered, I’ve had more than my fair share of crap fall on me.”
She gave him a sardonic look as she took a drink of soda. “I think everyone could benefit with a little objective insight into their issues.”
Logan’s mouth crooked into a smile. “You’re probably right.”
They ate the rest of the meal companionably, talking about inconsequential things. When Logan mentioned that he wasn’t sure how long he was going to stay, Marigold debated with herself. Something had occurred to her earlier, but she wasn’t sure if she should throw it out there. Then she decided hell with it. “If you think you’re going to be here longer than a week or two, you might think about finding another place to stay. And I have to mention that my landlady is a doll. A bit of a dirty-minded doll, but easily the nicest landlady I’ve ever met. And I’m sure she would give you a better rate than what you’re probably paying at the hotel.”
Logan stared at her thoughtfully. “Thank you for that. I might give her a call.”
“I don’t know what your finances are like, but she might even make you a deal for a shorter amount of time. We can run by there on the way back to your hotel tonight if you want.” She could tell he was thinking about it. “We’ll see where the night goes.”
She shrugged like it was no big deal, but internally, she was jumping up and down at her brilliance. Though she’d only known him for the day, she had a feeling if he gave her a chance, they could connect.
And she strove to build that connection through dinner. Logan was a fascinating guy, insightful about world events in particular but knowledgeable about a whole range of things. Even without knowing his job in the Army, she would have suspected that he was in some kind of Intelligence position. Marigold had a feeling he could name everyone in the room he’d been introduced to, because he never hesitated or looked confused when she mentioned people. Eventually, the topics moved to the more personal. They talked about growing up in their respective states. Virginia sounded beautiful. She’d never been that far east before, so she couldn’t imagine the amount of green he described.
“Arizona was amazing and beautiful, but I think Colorado is even more so,” she murmured. “I love it here.”
And she did. There was no connection to Arizona anymore, other than her grandmother who traveled more often than she was home, now that she had time and freedom. So, when Marigold had started looking at colleges, she remembered one of the few family vacations she’d taken with her mother and grands, when they’d all been a family. It had been to Colorado. They’d toured ghost towns and ridden a railway line. It also had a fantastic college graduate program, so she decided Colorado would be a perfect home for her.
“Not leaving a boyfriend behind?”
Marigold was stunned that he asked. “No, unfortunately not. If there had been a boyfriend, I may not have left.”
“Hm.”
“How about you? No significant other?”
He snorted derisively. “Fuck, no. Not anymore.”
She waved a hand. “You can’t leave me hanging. What happened?”
“Wha
t do you think happened?” he snapped, his beautiful eyes narrowing in fury.
Marigold held her hands out. “I have no idea. Why would I?”
Color raced under his damaged cheeks, and she could see he was gritting his teeth. “I don’t understand,” she whispered.
Logan pushed up from his chair and left the dining room, anger radiating from him. Marigold stared after him, wondering what the hell she’d said. Her eyes stung with tears and she glanced around, wondering who had seen them. Everyone seemed to be enjoying their meal. Had none of them seen Logan storm off?
Should she go after him? For some reason she felt like she’d done something wrong, but she honestly couldn’t say what...
Her internal monologue was interrupted a few minutes later when Shannon joined her. “Everything okay?”
“Not sure,” Marigold murmured, “I think I just pissed Logan off.”
Shannon’s eyes widened. “How did you do that?”
“I don’t know,” she cried. She related the conversation. “I can only assume someone left him because of his injuries.”
Shannon nodded. “Sounds like it,” she murmured sadly. “Unfortunately, it happens a lot. You’ll hear about it repeatedly when you’re a military psychologist. Duncan’s fiancée did it to him when he was in the burn unit at Walter Reed. He would tell you that himself. It motivated him like nothing else.”
Marigold frowned, looking toward the door. She’d been waiting for Logan to return and laugh it off, but if he didn’t, she would have to go find him.
“Veterans, especially combat veterans that have seen action, are very different animals,” Shannon continued. “I don’t think Logan has been out of combat for a full year, yet, so he’ll probably react to things a little more aggressively for a while. They find offense quicker and are willing to fight sooner. It’s probably nothing you did, just a perceived slight that feels more hurtful than it actually is. They need time and understanding to work through their emotions, because they’ve been taught by the military to turn them off for so long.”
Damn. The insight and understanding in this woman’s heart was something it would take her years to learn at school. Sighing, Marigold looked toward the door. “Should I go after him?
Shannon smiled. “It’s up to you. John and I didn’t expect you to babysit Logan so thoroughly. We appreciate it, of course.”
“I’m not babysitting because I have to. I like him.”
Shannon gave a single nod of her head. “Then maybe you should go after him. Just be aware that veterans, especially those that have recently come back from combat, are more sensitive to situations and words. We’ve thrown a lot at Logan today.”
Marigold snorted. “I know. I may or may not return. I’ll see you tomorrow, Shannon. I’m glad you’re back.”
Shannon waved her off and Marigold left to find Logan.
“What’s going on?” John asked her, rolling up beside her chair as she sat down.
Shannon grinned. “I think there might be something going on between Logan and Marigold.”
John’s eyes went wide, and he glanced at the door. “Seriously? He just got here.”
Shannon smiled and leaned over for a kiss. “I know, but I think he’s been searching for more than his family for the past few months. You should try to find him a job, because if the look in Marigold’s eyes is anything to go by, she’s not going to want him to leave. And I’m not sure Logan is going to try to get away very hard.”
John shook his head. “What the hell did you do to us, Shannon?”
She smirked and reached out to run her fingernails through his black beard. “Nothing you wouldn’t do yourself. I know how you are.”
“You’ve ruined me with good food and good sex and incredible children.”
“I did,” she agreed, grinning. “And you love it.”
“I love you. More than I ever could have known. I was thinking about this earlier.” He glanced around to make sure they were out of earshot of the rest of the group. “Years ago when I was in Walter Reed recovering I contemplated throwing myself off the balcony to the pavement below and getting it over with. I didn’t think I was high enough to actually kill myself, though. With my luck I figured I’d just fuck up my arms in addition to my legs, and I would have been seriously fucked. I’m very glad I didn’t go through with it, or eating a bullet later, when I had the option. I’m not sure why exactly I stuck around to deal with the suck of my life, but I’m very glad I did now.”
Shannon’s eyes filled with tears at the thought of the despair he had to have been in. “I’m very glad you didn’t as well,” she whispered, her throat tight. “I can’t imagine you not being in my life. Or my kids,” she sighed, blotting at her eyes with a napkin. “I think Logan might be dealing with some of that right now. I can tell he feels inadequate being here, but it’s deeper than that. I think he’s suicidal, and I worry now that if Marigold is growing attached to him, if he leaves it’s going to wreck her.”
John frowned. “If he is, there’s not much that we can do about it. We’ll express to him that he has options, but he’s a grown, apparently sane, man. If he decides to end it, there’s nothing we can do.”
Leaning forward he pressed a line of kisses along her jaw and into her hairline. “Let’s make our goodbyes to the group and go see those incredible kids.”
Shannon nodded and they turned to say their goodbyes.
9
Logan didn’t go very far. He knew he was probably overreacting to Marigold’s words. She was young and had no idea how many men were left by women in the military.
Amber, his ex, had texted him that they were breaking up. At first, he’d laughed. The laughter had faded when she’d reiterated her position that they would be better off apart. Logan had been in Walter Reed at that time, unable to walk from the injuries to his legs. He was, quite literally, about to undergo his tenth surgery at the time. Logan had been in shock for the better part of a week, not understanding how the woman he’d loved had turned on him so thoroughly. It wasn’t until a week later that he realized how royally Amber had fucked him. When he’d been deployed, he’d given her access to his accounts for shared living costs. They’d been living together at the time, for more than a year. By the time Logan had realized she was still using the account, she’d taken almost thirty thousand dollars. Logan had immediately messaged her, asking her what the hell she’d been thinking. Her response had been that the money had been for pain and suffering as she got over their broken engagement.
Logan had had to have a hospital liaison investigate whether or not he could file charges on her. He could, but it would have been an uphill battle proving that she wasn’t allowed to have the money since he hadn’t taken her off the account when he’d returned to the states, regardless of the fact that he was drugged into a coma because of the burns on his legs. Rather than engage in a lengthy civil court battle, he wrote off the money as a hard learning experience. The retirement account was untouched and he had a small savings account she hadn’t known about. He would be fine as long as didn’t live beyond his means. The biggest expense he had right now was the hotel.
Logan wasn’t surprised when Marigold slipped onto the stool beside him. Of course, she chose his damaged side. Logan knew she deserved an explanation. He’d kind of gone off on her.
“My fiancée screwed me over when I came back from deployment,” he admitted. “It’s still a little raw. Sorry I snapped.”
“I’m sorry I probed,” she murmured. “I didn’t know.”
He shrugged, drawing on the straw of his ice water. He’d realized when his head started to swim that he needed to lay off the beer. It was a bad idea to drink it anyway considering some of the pain meds he was on, and the company he was in.
His father had always complained that the Army had done him dirty, looking for a reason to discharge him for being injured on the job. He’d thrown out his back lifting a crate, or something. The reasoning just didn’t hold water, though.
The military dealt with thousands of soldiers injured on the job. What was one more? According to his father, when they’d done a random search, they had found a pain pill in his pocket. Logan had always thought there was more to the story, though.
Logan thought they discharged him because of the addictive personality he had. At home, when Dad ran out of pills to treat his ‘bad back’, he’d moved onto alcohol. And their lives had been hell. They’d always struggled for money and food because first priority had always been liquor to control their father’s pain. Because when he was in pain, he was an abusive asshole.
Logan did not want to follow in his footsteps in any way, shape or form.
“I need to clarify, too, though,” she continued, voice hesitant, “that I don’t believe your scars are as bad as you think. So, I didn’t honestly think it would be enough reason to cause a breakup.”
Logan felt his face flush and he clenched his jaw. Why did she have to keep at him?
“They’re bad enough,” he snapped.
One of her hands rested on his right wrist. “They’re not. I promise you.”
Logan was shocked speechless as she leaned against him and rested her lips against his rough cheek. Her warm breath tickled the hair at his ear. “I promise,” she whispered.
Her voice and movement sent chills up the right side of his body. It made the skin on his lower leg and thigh hurt as it tried to respond the same way as the rest of his body. Logan drew in a sharp breath and glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. “Why did you do that?”
If she gave him some bullshit response about his ego or some shit...
“Because I wanted to. You smell...” she paused, her nose burying behind his ear. “Well, you smell like something I want a candle of.”
Those damn goosebumps erupted in another wave down his body, sending sharp awareness throughout. Logan closed his eyes as he savored the reaction of his body. It was startling, feeling something so pleasurable. His life had been made of pain for so long, he’d almost forgotten what it felt like to feel excitement, and arousal.