by Nina Levine
Brian glanced my way and stood. “King, we were just wondering what time you’d come by.”
I entered the kitchen, my eyes meeting Ivy’s. There was still resentment there, but it had eased a little. To Brian, I said, “Can you give us a minute?”
He nodded. “Sure.”
After he exited the room, I pulled out the chair next to Ivy and sat. Resting my arm on the table, I turned my body to face her. Taking in the tired lines on her face, I said, “You didn’t get much sleep either?”
She shook her head and reached for the mug in front of her. After she took a sip, she said, “I think I managed two, maybe three hours. I was thinking about you all night.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. What a prick you can be.”
“Because a prick would fucking rescue you from the motherfucker you put your trust in, and find you a bed to sleep in while you get your shit together.” Fuck, even when I didn’t wanna argue with her, she managed to get under my skin and rile me up to the point where I fucking found myself arguing over stuff I gave zero shits about.
“Fuck you, King.”
I scrubbed a hand over my face while I forced myself to take a moment and think about what came out of my mouth next. We could sit here and argue our way to lunchtime or I could lead the conversation in a better direction. Blowing out a harsh breath, I said, “Why did you say no yesterday when I suggested I drop you over to Bethany’s?”
She averted her gaze, refusing to look at me while she turned silent.
“Ivy,” I pushed. “What’s going on?”
Another few moments passed between us in silence before finally she looked back up at me. “I haven’t spoken to her in five years. We had a falling out, and she refuses to talk to me now.”
“What happened?” I didn’t like the woman; I didn’t like that she turned her back on family.
She fiddled with the tablecloth as a tear slid down her face. “She didn’t like Tony. We’d argued over him for a long time, and after one of my miscarriages, she told me to choose between them. I chose my husband.”
“So she did the same thing to you over him that she did over me?”
“Yes.”
I hated that a mother could do that to her child. But as much as I disliked the woman, the fact remained she was Ivy’s mother, and I could see Ivy’s pain over losing her. “You should call her, tell her what’s happened. She might surprise you with her response.”
“And she might not.” She looked at me through her tears. “I don’t know if I could handle that.” Her voice cracked, slicing through my heart. This conversation threw me back to the past, to the time in our lives when so much shit was going down and bad decisions were being made. It fucking dredged up old hurts and a fuckload of anger that I still carried with me. I’d tried to let that shit go, but because it was all tied together in my mind with Margreet’s death, I’d failed.
I chose not to push her on it yet. Instead, I said, “You heard about Tony?”
“Yes.” Her voice held relief. “The lawyers are helping me sort through everything, but there won’t be much left over when all is said and done, so I just need to pick myself up and start over.”
“Brian can help you with that. He’s got contacts everywhere. He’ll help you find a job, and you can stay here for as long as you need.”
“Does he owe you for something? Is that why he’s okay with me staying?”
“No. We manage this place together. I front the cash, he runs it.”
She wiped her tears away while she studied me for a beat. “For an asshole, you do good things sometimes.”
“Just trying to help the people who need it. That’s all.”
She slowly shook her head. “No, that’s not all, King. I may have hated you for a long time, and been angrier with you than with anyone else in my entire life, but even I can acknowledge when you do something nice. I’ve met the two women staying here at the moment. Their lives were unimaginable, worse than mine with Tony, and what you’ve given them is hope.”
My chest squeezed with heaviness. This place may have helped numerous women, but the one woman I should never have turned my back on sat in front of me broken because of my actions. “I should have kept an eye on you after you married Tony.”
“No, that wasn’t your burden to carry.”
“Fuck, Ivy, if I hadn’t—”
Her shoulders slumped and she sagged in her chair as she cut me off. “Don’t blame yourself for the choices I made in my life once you were no longer part of it. Sure, while we were together we both made some shitty decisions, but after that”—she shrugged—“my choices were all mine. And some days, like today, when I’m honest with myself, I can see I’m a fucked-up mess. Maybe if you stop by tomorrow, I’ll be back to thinking you’re an asshole and hating you for the part you played in it. But today, I just think you’re an asshole who tries to help people and sometimes gets it right.”
As I listened to her, a rolling movie of memories filled my head. All the years we’d spent loving each other and fucking each other up. We’d never had a chance. Not with the shit we’d each been through before we even met.
When a puzzle was missing pieces, it would never be complete. It would always be lacking. Ivy and I never had a shot at making that damn puzzle come together because we were missing pieces all over the place and the pieces we did have didn’t slot together in the right ways.
Sometimes two people just weren’t meant to be together.
Sometimes there was more hate than love, more war than peace.
Sometimes love wasn’t enough.
I stood. “You’ve got my number. Use it if you need something.”
There was one more thing I could do to help her, and as much as doing it would put me back in front of someone I wanted to forget, I would do it. Because even though Ivy and I would never be together again, I would never stop wanting the best for her.
“You shouldn’t have come here, King,” Bethany said to me through her screen door an hour later.
I’d left Ivy and taken my sweet fucking time coming here. It was unlike me to hesitate to do the shit I needed to do, but just thinking about this woman threw up all kinds of red flags.
I squared my shoulders. “We need to talk about Ivy.”
“What about her?”
“Fuck, Bethany, what the fuck do you mean, what about her? You say that like you don’t even fucking care about her—”
Her lips pursed. “I’m not interested in standing here listening to you swear. If you have something to say, say it, but do not use that language with me.”
If her appearance was anything to go by, the years hadn’t been kind. She stood hunched over, her frail hand gripping the door to steady her. Lines wrinkled her face, grey hair sat in a mess of a bun on her head, and breaths wheezed out of her. Mostly, though, she looked defeated by life. And the way her face pinched, she appeared to be full of resentment and bitterness.
“Open the door and let me in,” I demanded. “Your daughter needs you, so you need to hear me out.”
She debated about allowing me in for another good minute before finally unlocking the door and swinging it open.
I entered the house and walked into the kitchen, doing my best to ignore the onslaught of memories. Fuck, they were like a hundred motherfuckers coming at me all at once. Fucking stabbing me all over.
“Tony Romano is dead,” I said, facing her.
I would have expected a reaction to that statement, but all she gave me was an arch of her eyebrows.
Fucking stunned, I said, “That’s all you have to say when I tell you your daughter’s husband is dead? You’re a fucking piece of work, Bethany.”
“Watch your mouth,” she snapped.
“You care more about a fuck coming out of my mouth than the fact your daughter is alone in this world?” This woman made my fucking blood boil, and I regretted coming here. Ivy was better off without her.
“I care more about being subjected to
your presence than the words out of your mouth. As for Ivy, she made her bed years ago. In fact, she made it the first time with you, and I should have known she was incapable of making better decisions, but I fell under her spell again for a while there.”
“You fell under her spell? What the hell does that mean? She’s your child for fuck’s sake. What kind of parent talks about their children like that?” Fucking hell.
Her displeasure plastered itself over her face, but I ignored it. I didn’t give a flying fuck if I upset her. “She’s not my blood. I tried to help her, and look what I got in return—nothing but heartache.”
My breaths came harder. Heavier. They carried my fury as I let loose on her. “There’s a reason you weren’t blessed with children of your own. Heartache is part of love, and when you choose to bring a child into your life, you choose all the things that go with love. You can’t fucking have love without pain. As a parent, it’s your job to teach your child how to deal with both so that they can go out into the world and stand on their own two feet and weather the fucking storm of love. If you weren’t ready for that job or to accept that sometimes those you love will tear pieces of your heart out, you should never have taken Ivy in. Because the very word mother means unconditional fucking love. It means protection. It means safety. And while you knew how to make cookies and decorate a house so it looked like you were a mother, you never had a fucking clue how to give any of those things.”
My tirade angered her to the point where she finally gave me the kind of emotional response I felt this conversation deserved, but it wasn’t the response I’d hoped for. Pointing at the front door, she snarled, “You’ve said what you came for and now you can leave. And don’t ever come back here. You are never welcome here again.”
I had no intention of ever coming back here. I wasn’t sure why I thought this had been a good idea to begin with.
Anger and disappointment punched through me as I stalked out to my bike. Thank fuck I hadn’t told Ivy I was coming here. Bethany’s rejection would have killed her.
Thoughts of Bethany filled my mind for the rest of the day. As much as I tried, I couldn’t get her out of there. A headache settled in at lunchtime and intensified to the point where I wanted to rip my fucking head off by 6:00 p.m. I called Lily to let her know I wouldn’t be over tonight. Fuck knew I was in a mood, and she didn’t need to be subjected to it.
“Hey you,” she answered with a smile I could hear all the way over here. “I’ve just put dinner in the oven, and the best news of the day is that Linc took the kids, so we have the place to ourselves.”
Fuck.
“I can’t make it tonight.” I was a fucking bastard, but the choice was made for her, and as far as I was concerned, it was the right one.
She went silent for a beat. “What’s wrong, King? You sound off.”
I rubbed my temple. “It’s been a shit of a fucking day, and trust me, you do not need me there tonight.”
Silence again, and then softly—“Okay so while I get that, here’s something for you to consider. Maybe when you have a shit of a fucking day, coming to see me is exactly what you need. That’s what relationships are about, right? Sometimes you give, sometimes you take. Let me give tonight. And if all you want is to sit in front of the TV in silence, I’m good with that. We can just be tonight. We don’t have to do.”
Somehow I knew that when Lily made an offer or promise like this, she meant it and would make good on her word. I also knew this was her telling me she wanted to be the one to help me. And while I had never been big on people helping me, because mostly they just fucking let me down, I also knew I’d finally found someone I wanted to allow in to help. Lily wouldn’t let me down.
“I’m leaving now,” I said gruffly. “You got beer?”
“Yes,” she said around another smile I figured they could fucking see from Mars, “I have beer.”
22
Lily
Monday night, I sat outside on my back patio, grabbing as many quiet moments to myself as I could while my kids and mother fussed over Brynn inside. I leaned back in my seat and stared up at the dark sky while trying not to think about the fact I wasn’t smoking. I’d given it up again this morning. I was sure I was already nearly dead from that. Everyone told me smoking would kill me; I figured not smoking might be more dangerous to my health. My mental health at least.
I shifted my thoughts to King and the weekend we’d just had together. He’d shown up Friday night all screwed up by something that had happened that day. I hadn’t asked him what. He hadn’t offered. I’d learnt that King didn’t like to discuss shit, and I was okay with that. I mean, I wanted to know everything about him, but I refused to try to change him to be someone he wasn’t. King had a lot of baggage, but he didn’t want or need someone to carry it for him. He just needed someone to take the trip with him, and I liked the views his journey offered, so I was all on board.
He’d worked my body so hard that night that there hadn’t been any more sex for us on the weekend. I’d taken care of him, but he hadn’t tried to fuck me again, and I hadn’t asked for it. Jesus, the man was brutal in bed, but I couldn’t get enough of him. King put a smile on my face simply by breathing. All it took was a thought of him, and I was smiling like a loon.
Adelaide had asked me on Friday why I wasn’t fearful of getting involved with a man like King, a man who ran an MC. I’d told her she didn’t know his heart, which meant she didn’t know anything. When I met King, I saw two things—that he had the kind of looks I was attracted to, and that he was a bit of an asshole. Then I saw how he cared for and looked after his sister. Then I saw a moody bastard who liked to boss people around, but who also helped people when they needed it. Through all of that, I saw a man trying to handle his business and look after those he cared for. I didn’t see the biker or club president with a dark streak that Adelaide would have run a mile from. By the time I saw King’s club and all that entailed, I’d already fallen for his heart. And for me, everything in life was about the heart.
I had been worried when he’d told me the kids and I may have been in danger. I’d definitely spent some time running through scenarios in my mind of what he could possibly have been referring to. I had also thought long and hard about what this meant for my life going forward. In the end, I’d decided to put my faith in him and his men to protect us. At the core of the matter was my heart. I couldn’t change who it led me to. And King had mine. Now he had my complete trust, too.
“Lily.”
I turned my face to find King walking towards me. Standing, I met him halfway and looped my hands around his neck. That was after I took the time to run my gaze over his body, appreciating the way his muscles filled out his clothes. My belly fluttered as I thought about those muscles. His powerful thighs straddling me, his strong arms holding me, his firm ass that I couldn’t get enough of.
After I caught his lips in a kiss, I said, “I was just thinking about you.”
He snaked his hands around my waist and settled them on my butt. “Your mother told me you’ve been sitting out here for a while now. You good?”
I liked how he always had a way of taking in the stuff I said to him without feeling the need to comment on it or engage in conversation about it. Because honestly, sometimes I rambled. King let me do that without complaint.
“I’m good. I’m taking advantage of the kids being occupied by Brynn and Mum.” I leaned in close and inhaled his scent. “Oh God, you smell so good.” At his frown, I said, “I quit smoking again today. I can smell the cigarettes on you, so you should expect me to be smelling you a lot going forward.”
His lips twitched and he brought his mouth back to mine. He then kissed me so thoroughly and for so long that I got lost in it and missed him as soon as he pulled away. “Maybe I’ll smoke more and kiss you more, just so you can get the taste,” he rumbled.
I tightened my hold on his neck as I cocked my head to the side. “Is that you being playful?”
His eyes flashed with heat. “That’s me figuring how to get my hands and mouth on you as often as I fucking can.”
I let go of his neck and slowly dragged my hands over his shoulder and down his chest and stomach. Stopping when I reached his jeans, I said, “Baby, you don’t have to engineer ways to do that. I’m down with you getting those hands and that mouth on me whenever and however you can.”
He seemed to like that, because the heat in his eyes flashed in ways that wouldn’t leave anyone confused as to what he wanted. We were interrupted by my mother, though, so the moment was broken.
“Lily, I really hate to barge in on you two, because, well, we all know that King is doing wonders for your dry spell, and I never want to do anything to stop that, but we really need to think about dinner. Brynn suggested we could order pizza. I think she’s desperate for some junk after all that hospital food, but I’m not sure I can stomach it. I was thinking more along the lines of Thai if we’re going to order, but that requires someone to go out and pick it up, and I wasn’t sure if you would want to do that, and I certainly can’t drive at the moment.” She eyed me with expectation, wanting me to say yes.
“Mum, you really need to let my dry spell go. I mean, I didn’t see the need to talk about it in the first place, because women are allowed to take time off sex, you know? But—”
“Oh, Lily, why do you always say that? And what woman in her right mind would want time off sex? I mean, really.”
King positioned me in front of him with his arm around my chest, and I didn’t miss the way his body shook gently with laughter.
“Maybe a woman who’s taking some time to be with herself for a while,” I threw out, exasperated with her.
Her forehead wrinkled as she thought about that for a moment. The idea seemed foreign to her, and in the end, she simply ignored it and carried on. “So about dinner. What do you want to do?”
“You order it. I’ll go out and pick it up,” King said.