by Angel Rose
alone discuss the final particulars of my mother’s life…her will. The doorbell rang, and my stomach flinched. I fixed my clothes and worked desperately to do something with my hair, finally
settling on a ponytail. I glanced in the mirror and resigned myself to realizing there wasn’t much I could do to fix it right now.
“Uncle Mike.” I placed my hand over my mouth.
“Jenesis, how are you?” He smiled.
“Come on in, let me brush my teeth. Give me a sec.” He sat on the couch in the living room as I walked over to the bathroom. I trembled as I brushed my teeth, finally just finishing with my finger. I looked over at her hairbrush, released my ponytail, and brushed my hair, closing my eyes,
remembering how she brushed my hair when I was a little girl. My cell phone vibrated in my back pocket. It was Vivian.
Today 11:35 AM
Hey…how are you holding up?
Vivian
I sent her a text back.
I’m hanging in there. Can I call you later?
Jenesis
Sure…love you.
Vivian
Ditto.
Jenesis
“Jenesis, are you okay?” I heard Uncle Mike on the other side of the bathroom door.
“Yeah…I’ll be right out.” I placed my hair back up in a ponytail and walked out of the bathroom. Uncle Mike was standing in front of the door.
“Let’s sit at the kitchen table.” I motioned for him to follow me to the kitchen. “Please sit.”
“Your mother was a wonderful woman,” he said softly, staring at me with grief stricken eyes.
“Thank you. I never thought I would be sitting here with you at this age,” I gasped as my tears began to flow without recognition. My unexpected burst of tears caught me off guard, and I used my sleeve to wipe my eyes.
“Death is an unexpected thing, Jenesis. We just don’t know when we’re going to go.” He scrambled through his briefcase and placed some papers on the table. “Your mother was my friend
since the 3rd grade. I always knew Bobby was wrong for her, since the day they met.” His facial structure changed. You could see the tension in his face and the discomfort in his eyes.
“Why?”
“He was a drunk back then.”
“In the third grade?”
“No, in high school. Your mother fell so head over heels in love with him; it was like…he had some sort of magic spell over her. She couldn’t pry herself away from him. As many times as he hit her, she ran back into his arms.”
Hit her? You mean, he hit her back then, too? I thought to myself as I sat up straight in my chair glued to the words that rolled off of his tongue.
“All these years, I thought…I was the reason he hated my mother. I thought he didn’t want to have any kids. I thought maybe he wanted a boy.” My heart was crushed. I felt confused, and I could feel the bulge in my throat choking me.
“That bastard hated himself. His father was a Christian man whose life revolved around God and the demon that lived inside of him. He was a worse drunk than Bobby… and beat him every day.”
He shook his head as he fumbled with his pen. The look on his face gave away that he felt sort of sorry for my father.
“I think that’s why she stood with him all of these years. She wanted to protect him at all costs. She knew there was a nice guy somewhere deep down inside his tortured soul. She just rarely saw that part of him, but when he did show her he loved her, she was the only person he cared about in
the world, and that’s how he got her. That’s how…he manipulated her.” He looked up at me, studying me closely with his eyes and waiting for the next question to spew out of my mouth.
“I wish I would’ve known this about my father. It would have saved me years of hating his guts,” I said, shocked as I lowered my head in thought staring at my hands that were clenched together
on my lap. I felt so guilty that I hated him so much. I wanted to forgive him, but my heart didn’t let me.
“You know, Jenesis, your father did love her, somewhere, deep down inside,” he said sympathetically.
“Yeah, well, it must’ve been really deep. If he did, he sure had a funny way of showing it.” I looked up at him ready to let go of the lump in my throat and burst into tears.
“Did he…ever…you know?” he asked curiously.
“Hit me? No…and yes…he never hit me…I mean, only a couple of times…but he killed me inside…beating her every day in front of me. You know, I can’t remember a day he didn’t hit her.
I have nightmares every night…sometimes even during the day,” I said letting go of the lump and sobbing into my hands. Uncle Mike stood up and walked towards me.
“Jenesis, come here,” he said as he held me around my shoulders and placed his chin on the top of my head.
I held him tightly and squeezed him around his waist. Then I stood up reaching for his collar and pulled tightly because I wanted to scream and lose my mind.
“Look, we can go over the policy tomorrow, if you’d like?” he whispered in my hair then sat me down on the kitchen chair. He kneeled in front of me, lifting my chin to face him.
“No, I’m fine. Really… Let’s just get this over with.” I wiped my tears with the back of my hand. Uncle Mike reached for a paper towel and ran it under cold water.
“Here, clean your face,” he said as he handed me the soaked paper towel.
I wiped my cheeks that were buried under the mascara from last night that ran down my face from crying so much. My stomach was twisting and turning, and I got up abruptly to walk around.
I was wondering how Uncle Mike got the insurance policy. I thought I was the only person who knew where she kept her important papers. I wasn’t sure if she left it in the same place as when I
was a little girl. They were there for years in the same place. She had always told me when I was a little girl, “Jenesis, in the garage behind your father’s tool cabinet, is a tin box that has a
combination lock on it. If something were to ever happen to me, all of the paperwork to the house, insurance policies, and other important papers are in there. You have to memorize the numbers or
hide them in your room where nobody can find them. Now, show Mommy where it is. Hurry.” Then I would take her hand and show her, she would give me a hug, and say, “Good girl, that’s
my girl.” I still remember where I had hidden the numbers. They were in my purple pillowcase on my bed.
“Uncle Mike, how did you know where to find the papers?” My question seemed more like an interrogation, but I didn’t care. I needed to know how he knew.
“You and I were the only two people she told.” He smiled as if he remembered her face.
“Really? And here I thought I was special. Why you?”
“You are special. We were very close, your mother and I. Many times your mother went to church on Sundays and then we met at my house to talk. I knew everything that happened to your mother,
and even though I offered my support and advice to leave that son of a bitch…she never did. I was the only person besides you she could trust.”
“Did you guys…you know…have an affair?”
“Jenesis! For God’s sake…I know you’re not asking me that question. How could you? I loved your mother but not like that!” His face was stressed, and the look of disappointment in his eyes
made me feel guilty. “Let’s go over this paperwork. I have to leave soon. Your mother had a great insurance policy. She left you $250,000 and the deed to the house.
Sit…sit.” He shook his head repeatedly and even laughed at my crazy insinuation of an affair. He opened his brief case again and took out a stack of papers. We sat and reviewed the policy, and I still sat in disbelief. This is crazy…so crazy.
“The insurance check will be made out to you. We can pick it up together at their office.” He stood up and started to pack his things.
“How long?”
“Two day
s, I pushed them a little. I know you don’t want to hang out in the house too long. I know I wouldn’t. What do you plan to do?”
“Put the house up for sale…pay off my student loans at Penn State…and move.”
“Move? Why? I mean, I’m sorry to see you have to leave like this.” He gave me a quizzical look.
“Thanks, but I have to move on. She would have wanted that.” I wanted to stand, but I sat patiently waiting for him to stop asking me questions.
“Just don’t quit Penn State. You only have six months left. That doesn’t make any sense. Make the best out of it. Make her proud.” He kissed my forehead and started heading for the door.
“Uncle Mike, I was thinking maybe you could help me find a place in New
York,” I said as I stood up and followed him towards the door.
“New York? Why do you want to live there?” A perplexed look shifted over his face.
“I need to start my life over; staying here will only stop me from growing,” I said trying to convince myself.
“I don’t know, Jenesis, that’s a big move, and New York has a bad rep. something bad can happen to you out there, besides no one’s there to help you. At least here you have your aunt and your
cousins,” he said as he frowned at me. His mouth tightly shut then he bit his bottom lip apprehensively.
“Isn’t Dr. Joe practicing in New York now? He’s known me since I was a baby. He always sent us a Christmas card, and he sent me a care package every year since I started at Penn State. I can get in contact with him.
Besides, what could possibly happen to me? I’m my mother’s daughter, remember?” I said proudly sitting up straight in the chair.
“This isn’t a joke. That’s exactly what I fear. If you have a heart like hers, someone’s bound to take advantage of you. You’re too…nice.” His face was dead serious, and for a moment, I was thinking that maybe he was right. This was a drastic move for me and maybe I should rethink it.
“But, I’ll ask Lindsay, remember her? She works at the pharmacy. Her daughter goes to NYU. Maybe she knows a place you can rent. Some place you can afford. And please, rent, don’t buy, you don’t know if you’re going to like it there. I’m sure you won’t. I’m telling you. It’s dangerous,
filled with weirdos and all kinds of nut jobs,” he said as he pointed his finger at me and made circles in the air next to the side of his head.
“Thanks. I’ll see you in two days.” I watched him as he shut the door behind him.
I walked into the garage when he left. I saw boxes that were labeled bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen. I peeked in the boxes and noticed they were empty. Were they moving? Or was she finally leaving him?
I walked back into the house and sat at the kitchen table thinking about my mother’s days cooking and cleaning and how tired she looked sometimes when I got home from school. She worked eight
hours a day, came home, and dealt with my father for the next eight hours until she went to sleep. They were always arguing about something or about nothing, but he always found a way to upset
her and get the best of her. She led a difficult and disheartening life. Part of her youth disappeared a little bit every day. He stole it with his philandering eyes and his cheating ways; but when he
was sober and showed her he loved her, he made it known to the world she was his everything. She would always try to find the best in my father. She searched in her heart every day until he
would beat it out of her, and then she would cry that he broke her heart, and she couldn’t take it anymore.
We lived in Pennsylvania all of our lives, and occasionally we visited New York City, at least once or twice a year. I thought New York City was the most magical place…the city of dreams. All of the tall skyscrapers, the lights, the rich people walking on the crowded sidewalks with their fancy,
posh clothes. People walked hurriedly through the concrete jungle with a sense of urgency to reach their final destination making me want to be like them, and…run, run away.
***
Two days came and went, and Uncle Mike was knocking on my front door early in the morning.
“Ready?”
“Almost…give me a minute.”
He sat on the couch as I headed up the stairs to put some mascara on. I never left the house without mascara. I didn’t even stay in the house without mascara. I think it was an obsession. I finally came down ten minutes later.
“Jesus, what took you so long?” he asked impatiently.
“Mascara, Uncle Mike, mascara,” I said laughingly.
He shook his head, and we got in his dilapidated Honda Civic and drove to the insurance office. We signed for and collected the check. We stopped at Wells Fargo bank in Brodheadsville, and I
opened a bank account and deposited the check. Mike looked over at me as I sat in the passenger seat staring out of the window as we drove back home.
“Are you going to be okay, Jenesis?” he asked as he picked up speed.
“To tell you the truth…I don’t know.” I shrugged my shoulders at him as I slid my finger down the window.
“I didn’t tell you, but Misty and me…we’re getting married. We’re moving to North Carolina,” he said hesitantly.
“Oh, congratulations! That’s great news! Who’s misty?” I said surprised, though I really didn’t care.
“Some chick I met…she’s nice…she has two kids. Enough about her, I’m worried…I want you to be okay.” He extended his hand and held my hand in his. I squeezed his hand tightly.
“I’ll never be okay again, never. She’s gone, how could I?” The tears once again began to flow like a river. I held my face in my hands. I was so tired of crying, and I felt guilty because I didn’t
cry once for my father. I hated him. I hated him so much. Uncle Mike handed me a tissue, and I wiped my nose and glanced over at him.
“Uncle Mike…I miss her…I really miss her. I feel like I’m going to go crazy without her. Am I really ever going to be okay? Am I?” I wanted an answer from him. I searched in his eyes for comfort, pleading for him to tell me that this was all a dream. I wanted him to tell me that the pain
would subside tomorrow. I cried so hard, holding onto him for dear life. He held me with one hand and the steering wheel with the other.
The memories were eating away at me, and I just couldn’t seem to get any rest. I kept having nightmares about the accident. I could see my mother, her mouth wide open, screaming, and the
tears drowning her face because she was facing death head on. I knew she held on to him tightly before they crashed. I could see my father grabbing her by the arm to shield her from harm or
leaning over her to protect her. He might have been a drunken bastard to her, but he never let anyone or anything hurt her or us. He was extremely protective of us, and my mother loved him like no other woman could. She loved him unconditionally, that unconditional love that no matter what he did to her, she forgave him. She loved my father like no other, and she accepted him for who he was, an aggressive drunk, an abuser, a lousy father, and a lousy husband who didn’t want her, yet didn’t want anyone else to have her. Well, he finally got what he wanted. He was drunk all of the time, he beat her all of the time, he didn’t love me, I don’t know if he loved her and then…he killed her, so she never got the chance to meet anyone else.
I was always afraid for my mother, and now I know why; my father was a fast-talking, good-looking, manipulating, drunken, ticking, time-bomb who she couldn’t resist or control, and one day, when he would stop ticking… so would she.
CHAPTER 3
I only had six months until to graduation, but I withdrew from Penn State University despite Uncle Mike’s advice. I knew finishing my degree was important, but at that moment, the only thing that
was really significant was leaving Pennsylvania and moving on with my life…and leaving those tormented memories behind. It would be a new beginning for me in every aspect.
Though the
house was up for sale, I had no prospective buyers at the time. It was Thanksgiving morning, and a flood of emotions and memories hit me like a ton of bricks. I called Uncle Mike to let him know I was leaving…today. I didn’t pack up the house, and I didn’t take anything with me
except the pictures on the mantle, the peach throw blanket from the sofa, and my mother’s keys to her car. Before I walked out of the house, my cell phone rang. It was Vivian.
“Hello,” I answered.
“Jen, where have you been? I’ve been calling you.” She sounded nervous.
“I had my phone off.” My voice cracked.
“When are you leaving?” she asked.
“Right now.”
“Why? What’s going on?”
“I just can’t take it, Viv. It hurts too much.” I sighed deeply. “I love you, Viv. You’re the only person I have left in my life. I don’t know what I would do without you.” I swallowed hard, pushing down the ball of emotions I had stuck in my throat.
“You’re my best friend Jen. I’ll be here for you always. Be careful on the road. Call me when you get there.”
“I will.”
I grabbed the keys, the pictures, and the throw blanket and locked the door. It took everything for me not to lose control and fall to pieces. I ran to the car, opened the driver’s side door, and started
it up. I glanced over at the house and then leaned my forehead against the steering wheel and whispered, “God, please, I can’t take much more.”
I picked up my cell phone as my hands shook and called Uncle Mike again.
“Uncle Mike, I left the name and address of the movers to donate the furniture to the church on Cherry Hill Road. I left them a check on the table. Barbara from Keller-Williams will be contacting you after she sells the house.”
“Jesus, Jenesis, Just like that? What are you thinking? I don’t even know if the apartment is ready for you to move in.”
“I can’t stay. I guess I’ll find out when I get there. By the way, Happy
Thanksgiving.”
“Jenesis, you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to rush things.”