by Angel Rose
each memory as the tears fell from my eyes hitting the plastic covered photos. The photos of my mother and me, Vivian and her crazy boyfriend Danny, and then a picture of my father, with me
and my mother, the only picture I had with the three of us. It had been taken on my sixth birthday. My body trembled at the thought as I quickly wiped my tears trying to avoid the horrible memory
that was associated with that photo. My cell phone vibrated. I reached over to the night table and it was Dave.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Jen. I just wanted you to know that I gave you that Friday off. You know, for graduation.” He sounded pleased. I could hear the relentless rhythmic tapping of his fingers on something.
“You’re back from your trip so soon?” I asked.
“No…not yet. I’ll be back tomorrow. So what do you think?”
“Dave thank you, but it’s a little early for that don’t you think? It’s after Christmas, in January.” I giggled.
“Yeah, but you know I forget everything.” He chuckled.
“You know, Dave…I wanted to know…if…you would come see me graduate.” My voice was low, and I was waiting for him to shoot me down. “Me? You want me to go?” I could hear his voice kick up a notch. I could tell he was thrilled, and I couldn’t hear him tapping anymore.
“Yeah…I mean, if you can’t go…I totally understand.” My lips quivered as I tried to hold on to the tears that started to roll down my cheeks.
“Of course, I’ll go. Are you crying? Jen…are you?
“No…of course not.” I swallowed hard and tried to keep my composure.
“Wow…I have to buy a new suit. Do you need a new dress? I mean, I could give you the money. It’ll be my gift to you. And…” he kept rambling on and on. He was so excited and honored that I invited him. It was kind of… sweet.
“Dave, don’t worry. I have everything I need. So, it’s a yes?”
“Yes…”
I felt so relieved. I was actually looking forward to graduating knowing that someone would be there.
“I changed my mind…I’m going into work tonight…see you later,” I said with a permanent smile on my face.
“Okay…see ya.” He hung up, and I was in a better mood. I trusted him…and it felt good.
I went into work that night still feeling lost but grateful, at least. I sent
Vivian a text. She didn’t answer. She’s quick to respond, so I called her.
“This number is no longer in service,” the robotic voice said on the other end. I hung up as my heart descended into the pit of my stomach. I needed to talk to her. I needed to hear her voice.
The night passed quickly as I cleaned up the office and started finally getting the files in order. I still didn’t hear from Vivian and I began to worry.
I sent Dave a text.
Hey, can you do me a favor and put yourself in detective mode? Jenesis
I am in detective mode. LOL, what’s up little lady?
Dave
I haven’t heard from Vivian and her phone is disconnected. Can you try to get some info for me?
Jenesis
I’ll try but there’s no guarantee. Dave
Just try…please
Jenesis
A week had passed, and I hadn’t heard from Vivian. I was a mess. Dave called me every day to check up on me, but he didn’t have any information for me. Dave finally returned from his trip,
and he seemed exhausted. He said he was returning in two days and took five instead. I was bored and lonely at work. The only enjoyment I had was when Nick took me home.
The next night I went to work. Dave was sitting at his desk fumbling with some papers, drinking espresso and smoking cigarettes like they were going out of style. I almost choked at the cloud of smoke.
“Jenesis, hey, I did the research on Vivian like you asked me to.” His face was pale, and his eyes were sad.
“Really? And?” I knew by the look on his face something was wrong. “Jen, I’m sorry, but Vivian passed away on Sunday. She was in an accident at school. It was like a freak accident or something.
I couldn’t get much out of her mother…she was hysterical.” As the words caught my ears, I immediately broke down. I placed my cell phone on top of the desk, staring at it, and then I began
to cry. I was so hurt that my heart felt like it was sliced in half. I just spoke to her last week. I couldn’t function. I placed my head on the desk and cried and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.
“Jenesis, are you okay?” Dave wrapped his arms around me as I fell into him, feeling limp, like the life was sucked out of me.
“Oh my God Dave, I just spoke to her a week ago? What happened? What happened?” I buried my face in his shirt and held on to him tightly. “It’s not too late. They’re having the burial
tomorrow. Go…I bought you a ticket to Michigan. Her family is waiting for you.” He slid the ticket into my hand, and I grabbed it and held it tightly.
“Let me call Nick. He’ll take you home.” The mention of Nick’s name pushed me over the edge. I didn’t want to see anyone, especially, Nick.
“I’ll take a cab tonight.” I felt vulnerable, I felt guilty, and I felt like I could let go at any moment, and I didn’t want to be in the presence of a gorgeous man. I wanted to avoid Nick at all
costs…because he wasn’t the one. But, if Mr. Hunter were here, I’d take the chance in a minute; I’d be reckless; I’d let him take me and do as he pleased with me, forgetting my boundaries and
giving him everything I had; my heart, my soul, my body without question…without dignity. I just wanted him. I wanted to let go…to feel that insanity that made his clients get away with murder…I was guilty of wanting to lose myself, my mind… with him and only…with him.
“I’ll call you a cab then.” I walked and waited silently in the front of the precinct as I saw Nick drive by. I waved at him, but he kept on driving. The cab drove up, and I stepped in sliding in the middle. We headed to my apartment, and I walked into the building thinking about what Dave said to me. It’s not too late. I walked upstairs and entered my apartment holding on by a string, and then I grabbed a bottle of white zinfandel and drank; too much.
CHAPTER 6
The following morning I awoke feeling a little nauseated. I realized I wasn’t on the floor; a change from the usual bumps and thumps of the night. I quickly got ready, hailed a cab and headed to the airport. The air was crisp and cold, and as we drove down the busy streets of the city, the feeling
of Christmas was everywhere. The lights and decorations filled the department store windows, and the smell of roasted peanuts being sold on the corners ignited my sadness even more. No mother
or father, now… no friend. Poor Vivian. I wonder if she asked for me before she died. We arrived at the airport and I sat waiting to board the plane. I prayed for Vivian’s soul and for mine. The
worst was yet to come, but I had to face my fear, death, now at my feet again, only this time it was my best friend, Vivian. God help me. My flight was called and the anticipation of facing death
head on made my insides shudder. I sat near the window thinking about my mother. I was tired…tired of feeling alone and abandoned.
I returned from my trip with a feeling of emptiness and despair. Dave bought me an open ticket, and I decided to go home Christmas Day.
Vivian’s parents were so good to me, from the star treatment at their house, to letting me write and read the eulogy. They gave me so many photos, including the ones that Vivian had placed on her dresser mirror from her room. One of them was the same picture I have of Danny, Vivian, and I.
Her death was a shock to me, and I just couldn’t believe she was gone. My trip back home was agonizing, and when her parents drove me to the airport, they revealed something shocking to me.
“Jenesis, Vivian was so full of life. They said she was walking near the construction site near the main campus building and some bricks fell or something like
that and hit her. She was in the hospital for two days. She was doing so much better, recovering slowly. Then all of the sudden,
the following morning. She was dead. They had no explanation. Oh my God…my baby…my poor baby,” her mother whimpered. “She even whispered something to me. She said someone visited
her the night before. She said they would take care of you. They promised her. Jenesis, I think she was delirious; maybe she saw angels. She didn’t have any visitors, who could she be talking about?” she asked quizzically.
“Oh my God, Mrs. Martinez, I’m sorry. When did Dave contact you?”
“Last week, I gave him the address over the phone so he could give it to you. He’s such a wonderful person. He sent flowers, beautiful white orchids.”
“Last week? Oh, I see. So you didn’t meet him in person, right?”
“No.”
“Did he get to see her? I asked.
“Not that I’m aware…no.” she whispered.
***
I didn’t want Dave to see me. I was so overcome with emotions I wouldn’t be good company for anyone. I slept most of the day upon my return. I woke up a couple of hours later sick to my
stomach, reliving the pictures of Vivian’s casket and seeing her face…still…breathless and cold. I walked over to the kitchen and made a fresh cup of hazelnut coffee in the Keurig. I sat on the
windowsill staring aimlessly out of the window. Dave kept calling, but I didn’t answer. I glanced over at the espresso machine I bought him for Christmas, and I decided to send him a text instead.
Dave, please forgive me. I love you…I hope you know that. You’re the best father a girl could have. No one would have done what you did for me with Vivian. No one. Today, 10:45 AM
I understand, Jen…but don’t beat yourself up. It’s not your fault that she died. You couldn’t have known. Don’t get mushy. You know I hate that shit. I have such a beautiful gift for you, you’re going to love it. See you soon little lady.
Dave
I walked in my pajamas down to Dave’s apartment door holding an espresso machine in my hand. I left it in front of his door with a red bow on top and a Christmas card. I wanted to knock, but I just couldn’t. My cell phone was vibrating, and it was a private number. I assumed it was Uncle
Mike. I didn’t bother to answer. Even Mr. Dalton called two or three times, and I really didn’t care. Why the hell was he calling me during the holiday season, anyway? I sat alone with my thoughts,
and I hoped that 2013 would disappear from my memory forever. I sat on the couch flipping through the channels when my cell phone vibrated.
Today 1:25PM
Thanks, Jen, Just what I needed.
Dave
You’re welcome. Merry X-mas.
Jen
The holiday season came and went, and I rang in the New Year alone…2014 slid its way in, and I drank away 2013 about five times. I was glad it was gone. It was a shitty year all around, too many
deaths to mention; too many times my heart broke in half. I was glad I was able to see Vivian one last time, even if she was in a casket. I had placed the picture of us at Penn State on her casket and said a prayer before I left. Now it was time for me to move on with my life, make a difference in
this world, and make my mother proud. I was graduating tomorrow, and the new chapter in my life was just one day away. I hope the New Year brings me happiness…but most of all love.
***
The alarm buzzed, and my eyes closed even tighter. I didn’t want to get dressed. I didn’t want to go to graduation. I wanted to stay wrapped in my throw blanket…in my comfort zone…where I felt safe. But I had to leave…Dave would be meeting me in front of John Jay so we could head out
to The Theatre at Madison Square Garden. I’m sure he’ll be prompt. He was so excited when I asked him to attend. He stayed out in Brooklyn the night before on business. I saw the appointment
on the calendar in the office. I wished he had stayed home so we could’ve gone to the ceremony together. I chose a black, skin-tight sweater dress and my black impo boots. The dress was off the
shoulders; it was simple but sexy. I made soft curls with the curling iron and sprayed some spritz so they’d stay in place. My hair grew so quickly it was practically touching my bottom. I grabbed
my tiny purse and slipped on my faux fur coat I bought at a consignment shop in the village and headed downstairs and hailed a cab. You would think I was rich hailing so many cabs these days.
I had hoped graduation would prove one thing…that I’d get a real job and make some real money…soon. “Jesus…what took you so long? It’s fucking freezing out here! Who graduates in
January anyway?” Dave cupped his hands as he blew into them. The white smoke blew into the air and in my direction. “I have your
Christmas gift. Here open it.” He handed me a green metallic bag with a picture of an angel on it.
“Dave, watch your mouth.” I smiled. “Thank you.” I opened the bag and a ring box was inside. I glanced up at Dave. I was nervous, and I didn’t know what he was thinking.
“It’s not an engagement ring, Jen,” he said puckering up his lips to the side.
“I know that,” I said exhaling. I opened the box from Zales and there stood a beautiful graduation ring, with the birthstone for the month of February, amethyst, and diamonds along the sides.
February? I thought to myself. I didn’t have time to question it. It was so beautiful. I was speechless. The inscription on the ring read Penn State.
“Dave, my God, it’s beautiful.” My voice was low as my lips trembled. My heart was warm with love for him, and I felt his love in return. I hugged him and whispered, “Thanks, Dave.”
Dave’s eyes widened and then welled up with tears. “You’re welcome, little lady,” he whispered as he tried to pretend he wasn’t crying as he wiped his tears with his hands. It was a tense moment of father-daughter love, and I felt it, even though, I had never felt it before.
“I think they’re letting the graduates in through that side door. See you inside.” I walked hurriedly to follow the other graduates. I was so nervous, and I felt a pang of guilt hit me hard in my gut knowing that Vivian was in a casket instead of walking down the aisle and graduating like me.
As we marched along down the aisle to receive our diplomas, my heart took tiny leaps as I saw Dave in the crowd, and as I passed him, he winked and waved at me. Oh! Thank God he came! I
couldn’t do it without him. He stood there proud and gloating talking to the stranger that stood next to him, laughing as if he spoke of the daughter that he held in his arms since the day she was
born. He pointed and waved at me wiping his eyes with his handkerchief as the stranger patted him on the shoulder and offered him comfort. I swallowed hard as my eyes gushed with tears
making me use my graduation gown as a tissue. Our eyes met, and Dave waved at me again and nodded his head. He looked and acted the part of a proud parent, and I loved him so much for it.
Something was missing, and in my heart, I was still searching, yearning for my mother. It wasn’t the same, she wasn’t there, and no one could take her place, not even Dave. I checked my cell
phone looking for a congratulations text from Vivian, and for a moment, I forgot she was dead. I was hurting all over, but especially in my heart.
At the end of the ceremony, we went to our favorite coffee shop near Hunter College on the other side of town. I packed up my graduation outfit and placed it in a plastic bag. My emotions were
running me ragged. I wasn’t that hungry, but I ordered anyway. I had the salmon salad and Dave had a double espresso, his favorite, just the way he liked it, very strong.
“What do you plan to do now?” His smile was sincere as he stirred his drink.
“Take a break for a bit, maybe take a trip to Quantico, Virginia…check out the F…B….I…training base”
I said emphasizing every letter of the FBI. Dave laughed as he cir
cled the rim of his coffee cup with his finger.
“Thanks Dave…for everything.” My hands shook, and my throat tightened. How much more can I cry? Jenesis, get a grip already. I wanted to stand up and hug him tightly, but maybe I was pushing my luck.
“I’ll always be here for you, Jen. You can count on that.” He reached over for my hand, and I held his for a moment. I felt safe, and I was content in my heart that he cared for me enough to share my special day with me. I just couldn’t shake this feeling I had inside. No matter what Dave did
for me, it just didn’t seem like enough. I was being a selfish bitch and I promised myself…I would never be that way again. I had to open up and I had to let someone in.
We sat for a while and I finally did it. I finally told him about my parents.
“Dave, I’ve never told you this.” I swallowed before letting the words out.
“My parents were killed. That’s why I moved here to New York.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. How were they killed?”
“In a car accident; I really don’t want to get into details. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Of course not, I’m just happy you shared that with me. That must’ve been a big burden on your shoulders to carry around with you. Have you told anyone else? ”
“Who? I don’t have any friends” I shook my head.
“Well, you should keep that information to yourself. No one really cares anyway. You know how people are they’ll say anything to get into your business, but they’re not truly concerned. I’ll keep this to myself.”
“Thanks, Dave. It feels good getting this off of my chest. It’s been months since I’ve been holding on to their memories and to be honest, I thought I might internally explode.” I let out a sigh of relief.
“I remember when my father died, I took it pretty hard, but you wouldn’t know that I did. I never showed it. He was always on the road, but he tried his hardest to keep his family together, always.”
“I guess we have something in common.” I smiled gently at him and he gave me a smirk.