by Angel Rose
hero, my strong, green-eyed hero. Did Michael remind me of him? Is he the one to rescue me? Where are you, Michael? Why haven’t you called? Why?
One night of pleasure turned into three days of complete and utter misery.
I still didn’t hear from Michael or see Michael or breathe Michael. I was completely shocked and wholly distraught and I couldn’t believe what just happened. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. And my nightmares were causing me a nervous breakdown. I missed my appointments with Dr. Logan
and my mother was right, I gave it up to him and he took it and ran. I called, texted, left messages, and even walked by his apartment numerous times before work. He was nowhere to be found.
Dave and I went to brunch that Sunday and I felt like my whole world was falling apart.
“Dave, I’m telling you…he left me…left me like a piece of garbage in the street!” I cried in his arms as we sat in the diner for Sunday brunch.
“Jenesis, please, it’s not what you think,” Dave said consolingly as he stroked my hair with his hands.
“Where’s Margaret? Does Tilly know? What about Eddie? What are you saying? What do you know that you’re not telling me?” I asked as I looked into his eyes and pushed away from him, crying hysterically.
“Look, he’s just going through something right now. Margaret had an appointment. Jenesis, for God’s sake…calm down,” he said as he held me by my arms glaring at me with worried eyes.
“What? You’ve spoken to him?” I said disappointingly shaking my head, tears drowning my face. I couldn’t believe the audacity.
“Well, he called me, but he asked me not to tell, until he was ready to talk to you,” he said as he looked at me with fear in his eyes.
“You mean to tell me I’ve been crying my eyes out and you knew about this! You spoke to him!” I grabbed my pocket book and walked out of the diner. Dave followed. “How could you do that to
me? Where’s your loyalty to me, Dave? Since when are you best friends with Michael, huh?” I shouted as I pushed him full force against his chest with my hands. I lost it.
Dave lost his balance and almost fell on the sidewalk.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he yelled as he tried to regain his balance.
“You know what, fuck you! And him! You can tell him, too! Since you’ve had the pleasure of speaking with him! You betrayed me, Dave! You betrayed my trust! How could you? How could you?” I shouted angrily as I turned around and walked away from him.
“Jen! Jen!” Dave shouted at me as he followed me through the crowd. I walked away from Dave with a feeling of total betrayal. I started to walk faster and faster and then I began to run; I ran as
fast as I could bumping into people on the busy streets of New York City. I could hear Dave calling out my name, but I just kept on running. I was breathless and ran as if I were being chased, chased
by the monster behind me. Oh my God! What have I done? What have I done? I thought to myself as I ran across the street thinking only the worst. I could hear my mother’s words racing through
my head. Was my father right? He’s going through something right now? Dave sworn to secrecy? What could it be? Did I turn him off? Did I scare him off? What? What?
Before I knew it I picked up speed and was running off the sidewalk into the street, cars were skimming by me as I darted out of their way, frantic, crazy. I lost my balance, almost falling backwards, as a yellow cab came at full speed in my path, down the street then screeched to a halt,
swerving to the side and slamming into another car on the opposite lane. The sound of the crash, glass flying and people screaming made my heart stopped as I froze in the middle of the street
staring at the black smoke and shattered glass. I was dizzy and my heart sank to the floor as panic set in. I fell to my knees, crying hysterically, placing my hands over my head.
“Jen, come on…get up…come on!” Dave whispered frantically in my ear. “Dave?” I stared at him, his brown eyes fearful. “Help me, please, help me!” I cried uncontrollably, gasping for air.
“Come on Jen, before the cop’s come,” he said grabbing my hand and then lifting me and carrying me across the street.
“Oh my God Dave…what have I done?” I held him tightly around his neck and buried my face in his neck.
Dave tried to flag a cab down. He was so impatient he actually stood in front of the cab, held out his arms, and jumped in front of the cab. He opened the door and motioned for me to get in it. I ran hastily and sat in the cab.
“Police, 695 St. Marks, now!” he ordered the cab driver as he waved his badge at him.
Dave stared at me intensely as he placed his hand on my shoulder.
“My God, Jen…Were you trying to… kill yourself, Jen? Were you?” He cupped my face in his hands looking for an answer.
I looked up at him, my eyes brimmed with tears. I couldn’t contain myself. I held Dave tightly and whispered, “Why did he do this to me? Why? He told me…he told me…he…loved me.” I whimpered.
“Don’t…don’t worry about him…you’re going to be okay…we’re home…we’re home,” he whispered as I sobbed into his chest.
I woke up lying on my stomach barely able to open my eyes. They were so swollen and hurt to the touch. I slowly sat up leaning my hands against the mattress and glancing over at Dave sleeping on the chair near the window with his chin resting on his chest and his arms folded around his
stomach. I still had on my clothes from yesterday. I slipped out of the bed trying not to make any noise and I walked over to the bathroom and closed the door quietly. I looked in the mirror and
my make-up was smeared and my hair was standing on end. What have I done? Did anyone die in that crash yesterday? Why is Michael doing this to me? I felt like I was losing my mind.
“Jen? Jen? Are you okay?” Dave asked as he knocked on the door softly.
I opened the door slowly.
“Yes… I’m going to take a shower. I’ll be out in a few minutes.” I lowered my head in shame.
“Okay…I have to go. I have to make sure what happened yesterday disappears.”
“Disappears? How are you going to do that?” The nerves in my stomach began to twist and turn.
“I got pull, Jenesis… remember, I’ve been on the force for a long time and I know a lot of important people. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it. I’ll see you tonight and…Jen…Michael called me last night, he wants to see you.”
“He called you? Why? Why now? It’s been four days now, Dave.” I felt the stab in my heart of betrayal, he called Dave instead of calling me. I nearly keeled over as the knots in my stomach tighten with the thought.
“Give the guy a break. Let him explain what’s going on with him. I’m sure you’ll understand.”
“Wait, you know…Dave, how could you?” I snapped at him.
“Look, he had no one to turn to…so I helped him out. Get over yourself Jen, I know things are hard coming from a farm to New York, but here…we don’t have time for bullshit. You’re a big
girl…put on your big girl panties…and if you want to be with him because you love him so much, then you’ll talk to him,” he said, mocking me as he put his two fingers up in each hand as if to quote me.
“I’m taking a shower. See you tonight.” I slammed the door in his face rolling my eyes up in my head in disbelief and the colossal gull of them both.
***
Dave called me that night. I didn’t answer the phone. He left me a voicemail as I stared at the phone while it vibrated on the chair next to me. I clicked on the voicemail and put it on
speakerphone as I sat on the chair in my room near the window, my knees propped up against my chest.
“Jenesis, I know you’re home. Pick up the phone. The car accident…everything is fixed. No one was hurt. Come on, Jen. Pick up,” Dave pleaded. The phone rang again to the tune of your boss is calling. I’m changing that ring tone to an asshole is calling.
&n
bsp; “What?” I snapped angrily.
“You’re in the clear. Everything is fine. No one was hurt. It’s over.” “Really? Dave, I’m sorry.” I was so relieved that no one was hurt. How could I be so stupid running into the street like that?
“I’m sorry I’ve been so irrational and I’m sorry you always have to clean up after me. Its better that Michael has nothing to do with me. Maybe I should go home, back to
Pennsylvania.” My tone was low and remorseful as I choked back my tears. I was horrified that I let a man get the best of me the same way my father did all my life. He held me down all of these years and I was persecuted for his actions unknowingly…unwillingly and destined to live a life of
shame. “Jen, you’re being ridiculous. We’re friends and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. More than friends. You’re…you’re like my daughter.
I never had any kids. I want to help you.”
“I’m so sorry. It’s just that ever since I came from Pennsylvania, you’ve helped me…with everything and I’ve been acting like a child.” “Jen, Michael is with me. He wants to see you. What do you say?”
“No! I never want to see him again!”
“Jen, please…he’s sorry. I know he is…”
“Dave please, please…don’t make me see him,” I pleaded.
“Jen, he loves you…trust me.”
“How can I trust you? You were both lying to me.” I covered my mouth with my hand holding back the tears.
“Jen, please, you know I don’t care much for him, but I…care about you” His voice was soft and loving.
“Does he love me, Dave? Does he?”
“Yes…he does…Jen trust me,” he pleaded.
My heart was pounding. I didn’t know if I could ever face him again. I loved him more than I loved myself. I wanted to forgive him. I needed to forgive him. But at what cost? Did I really almost kill myself because he left me? Can I let him in without destroying myself?
“Dave, maybe you’re right. Maybe I do need to see him. Maybe we should talk.” I let out a sigh of relief.
“He’ll be there in ten minutes. Jen, don’t ever feel like I’m not here for you. I will always be here for you.”
“Thanks, Dave.” I hung up the phone and walked over to the bathroom. I rinsed my face and applied fresh make-up…mascara…I needed mascara. A few minutes later, I heard a faint knock
on the door. I slowly walked to the door as my heart sprinted against my chest. I was so nervous to see Michael but I also felt unforgiving and I was angry…really angry. I had to take a deep breath
to calm me down. I wanted him to know how much he hurt me and I needed to let him know…he wasn’t going to do it again.
“Who is it?” I leaned my back against the door breathing hard from the anger that radiated through my body.
“It’s me, Michael.” he said softly.
I opened the door and Michael stood in front of me with his hands in his pants pockets. He stood there tall, lean, and sculpted. His denim jeans tight around his flat abs and his white polo shirttucked neatly in his pants. His eyes were saddened by the expression on my face. He looked
so beautiful and my heart melted as he bit his bottom lip. I could feel my anger slowly subsiding. I
could feel the steady beat of my heart begin to come alive again. I missed him so much. I loved him…too much.
“Come in.” I held the door open for him as he walked pass me I could feel his remorse. I died inside as he walked by me. I wanted to hold him so badly. He stood in the hallway hanging his head low.
“Jenesis I…” he stuttered.
“Sit, Michael,” I said softly as the mixture of emotions…love and fury… made my body stressed.
Michael sat on the sofa and avoided eye contact with me. He sat with his elbows leaning on his knees and his hands clutched together toward his mouth. He was exasperated and I caught a glimpse of sweat above his eyebrow.
“Why?” I asked abruptly. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. The built anger shot boldly out of my mouth.
“I was afraid,” he said as he sat up leaning his back against the couch still clutching his hands together to make one big fist.
“Of what? Me?” I barked.
“Of making a commitment to someone like you. I don’t deserve you. I’m not the person you think I am. I’m afraid what happened between us just made me realize that…” he said and then stopped to think about what he was going to say next.
“Michael, why are you saying that?” I squinted my eyes at him thinking, what the hell are you talking about?
“I can’t make a commitment to you, that’s all.” He sighed. He seemed so exhausted as if the conversation was draining the blood out of him.
“You told me you loved me. How could you tell someone that you love her and run away? I’m the fool, I believed you…I fell for it. I fell for you.” I shrugged my shoulders. “But, if you feel that way. What can I do about it?
You can leave now,” I said softly as I turned my back on him. I couldn’t watch him walk away from me.
“Jen, please.” He stood up from the couch pleading with his eyes. He grabbed me by the waist and pulled me close against his body. I collapsed inside and I pushed him away as my heart broke into tiny pieces. I held my tears in but I really wanted to let go.
“There’s really nothing left to say. What do you want me to do? Beg you?
I’m not. I came to New York to move on with my life. I was going through so much and I couldn’t handle it. But when you walked out on me…it hurt even more, and I feel I can’t recover from that.
You hurt me in a way that I don’t even think I can forgive you…do you even understand that?” I felt the tears stinging my eyes, but I held on. I couldn’t let him know that I was dying inside.
Michael’s eyes met mine and then he looked away. He walked towards the hallway and leaned against the wall sliding his hands into his front pockets, his head lowered, he seemed
defeated…deflated. He glanced over at me. His eyes brimmed with tears as they trickled down his face.
“I don’t want it to be over between us. I’ve literally never felt this way before about anyone…ever. My relationship with women has always been what they can do for me. I’m a lawyer and a successful one at that. They know I have money and they just want to use me, so I used them,
instead. Fucking them senseless and sending them off on their merry way, women in their twenties, thirties, even forties, beautiful women with beautiful bodies and minds. It didn’t matter. They all
wanted the glamorous life and I gave them a few days, a few weeks, maybe even a few months if I thought they were worth my time. I never once called them, thought about them, or even wanted
them.” He slowly walked over to me. “But when I met you, you stood in my head day and night. I couldn’t think about anyone else but you and that scared the shit out of me. I’m a loner, Jenesis.
A loner. If you’re in my bed, you better get ready to leave the next morning.” He cupped my face in his hands. “Can’t you see? I’ve been with all types of women, but never someone like you? You’re different…you haven’t even been to my apartment yet, and you never even asked…you’ve
never asked me for anything, and all you have ever done was want to be with me.” He let go of my face and slid his thumb across my bottom lip. “I had to stay away. I’m afraid of you. Of what
I feel when I’m with you. Try to understand…I do love you…I’m just a coward. A selfish, piece of shit, coward…and I’m sorry. I don’t blame you if you walk away from me this time.” The tears
kept flowing. He rubbed his eyes to avoid them skating down his face. He paced back and forth in the living room as he slid his hands through his silky black hair. He finally sat on the couch,
silently, pensively. He was desperate…desperate to find the right words to convince me not to leave him.
“I don’t know what to say. I thought you used me. You’re older than me…mo
re experienced. You have your career and I’m just starting out. I was afraid I couldn’t give you what you wanted. I gave myself to you because… I love you…no questions asked…nothing to hide. I trusted you and I love
you with all of my heart, the way my mother loved my father. I was devastated when you didn’t call me…I honestly never felt so abandoned in my life…and trust me…I know what it feels like
to be abandoned,” I said as crossed my arms against my chest sitting on the couch, trying desperately to comfort myself, like the little six year old who sucked her thumb. Then I reached
over, grabbed my throw blanket, and wrapped myself in it. I needed my mother…right there and then. I wasn’t saying the right words…I knew I wasn’t.
“I’m sorry, Jenesis. I could have walked away forever, but I didn’t and that means something, maybe not to you but it does to me. Can you ever forgive me…please?” he implored as he kneeled on the floor in front of me grabbing my hands and kissing my knuckles tenderly.
“I can’t right now. I need time. I need time to heal.” I placed my hands over my face and began to cry.
“No…please…please don’t say that. I can’t live without you,” he said as he grabbed my hands and placed them on my lap.
“Well, you’re going to have to. It’s not that easy. How can I trust you after what you’ve done? I can’t even trust Dave right now. I…I was so distraught…terrible things were running through my mind. Do you honestly think with everything I’ve been through in my life I would be able to handle
a relationship in which you think you have the freedom to walk away any time you please?” I was adamant, and at the same time, I was dying inside.
“It’s not like that. Do you think my life has been perfect because I’ve been with a lot of women? I’ve been lonely for so many years, so many. I lost my mother and I never had a father who gave
a shit about me. But look at me now. I never gave up. I owed it to her. I owed it to her.” He sat on the couch and placed his hands over his face and cried into his hands. I stopped breathing. I was
hurting so badly inside that I placed my hand over my mouth and started to cry. Then he spoke softly as he walked over to me, “And now here you come, waltzing into my life, surprising me,