by Bry Foster
How can someone I’ve only met so recently see me in a way that I have never even seen myself? I am not sure anyone else in my life knows that I hide behind my smile, my jokes. Everything I do is to distract people from the fact that I’ve always felt so lonely and lost in my own skin.
“So,” she says as she let’s go of my hands and takes a step back. “Though you thought you were fooling me, you never had the upper hand.” The words of her son the first day I met her play in my head again, ‘My mère is one tough cookie.’ That she was.
She looks me up and down and a large smile graces her face.
“You look beautiful. You will be the fairest bride I have ever seen. Bienvenue dans la famille.” She says before repeating for me in English, “Welcome to the family.”
The tears that had gathered at the bottom of my eyelids fall over as I am overwrought with emotion. I have never felt like I have been a part of a real family before. And the acceptance I feel at this moment is better than anything I have ever felt before. I surprise her, through the lump in my throat I say in broken French, “Merci, grand-mère.” She smiles as a tear slips down her face and she quickly brushes it away.
“Some day, I hope that I will love your grandson as much as you loved your husband.”
“Chérie, something tells me, you are on the way.” She says before she exits the room. I turn towards the mirror and look at myself. My eyes are slightly puffy and my cheeks and nose are red. I glance down at the dress, still beautiful, maybe even more so now because of the mood that I am in. I am worthy of love. I think to myself before climbing off of the pedestal to change back into my clothes.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Today is the big day.
I am marrying Cashel Castille.
The words do not even sound real in my head. They sound like a wish. Something I might whisper to myself at night in the hopes that putting the dream out there in the atmosphere would make it real and tangible. Hoping that speaking it might make it true. I have not said the sentence out loud in months yet the time is here.
I am about to marry one of my best friends.
For all of the wrong reasons.
There is something truly heart breaking about hanging in the balance of everything you want. Being at the doorstep, the foothold of everything proper and right in what you would imagine is your perfect world, and then have reality come crashing around it like an out of tune marching band. Blaring the disgruntled mis-notes of everything susceptible.
I am on the precipice of happiness, yet I cannot jump. I stand on the ledge like a coward and bite my newly manicured nails. A hand comes out and smacks it away from my mouth.
“Ouch!” I startle and look up into the firm gaze of my best friend. Her eyebrows are pinched and both of her hands now rest on her hips. She looks lovely in a champagne bride’s maid dress that flows out around the bottom of her feet like a calla lily would in the spring. The skirt is bell shaped and gives her curves she does not have in normal clothes. Her red hair is piled elegantly on top of her head and she wears a flawless look about her that is heightened with the natural makeup she wears.
“It’s time to get you in your dress.” Liz tells me. Again. I’ve been delaying this moment for the past hour coming up with other things I need to do and prepare for and ready before getting myself together. I couldn't delay hair and makeup but, Lord knows, I tried.
“I think I need to-“
“-No you don’t. Everything is handled. Everyone is dressed. People are already seated in the fancy little pews of the church. Everyone is dressed and ready except the bride.” I look around. Liz, Jasmine, Clara and Corisande are in here with me. Lena did not feel the need to see me before the wedding because she had already seen me in my dress. Though I think her exact words to Cash were, ‘No dear, I would like to be surprised by what they were able to put together’. Put together like I am some kind of ‘Mrs. Potato Head’ that needs that much sprucing up to be presentable.
Clara’s dress matches Liz’s though it somehow ended up mysteriously more low cut. Corisande wears a fashionable tea length navy gown that looks as expensive as my wedding dress.
My eyes dart around the room again before I look at Liz with wide eyes.
“I don’t think I can do this.” I whisper to her. Real fear is running through my veins. The confidence I am usually able to summon is cowering somewhere beneath my feet. I feel jittery and the runaway bride Cash was joking about might make an appearance today. Or not.
Liz’s face changes when she sees mine and fear creeps into the corners of her eyes and pulls at her lips as well.
“Oh no. You cannot do this to me today, Khloe.” I bit my lip. I feel like my heart is going to explode. The lub-dub of it sounds so loud in my ears that it almost blocks out the sound of Liz’s voice when she talks.
Liz grabs my hands and I realize that they were shaking pretty violently.
“You can do this Koko.”
“No. I don’t think I can. I don’t-“ I pause when Clara walks by us to grab her clutch bag. She looks over at us with raised eyebrows. Whether that is because I am not dressed yet or because she is suspicious about our conversation ending when she got close, I am not sure. When she walks away I huff.
“Khloe. What are we going to tell everyone?”
“I don’t know. We can tell them I got sick, or I broke my pinky toe or something.” I whisper to her.
“Pinky toe?” She whispers to me loudly. She wants to shout at me. I want to shout at myself. This may be the dumbest thing I ever do in my entire life. “That’s all you’ve got for me? Pinky toe? The bride can’t make it down the aisle because her pinky toe is broken?” She repeats. “That has to be the most unoriginal lie you have ever come up with. And I’ve known you for a decade.”
“Well what should I do? If you have all the answers, feel free to let me know.” Liz chews on her lip while she looks at me. She lets go of my hands and addresses everyone else in the room.
“Ladies. The bride would like some time to get dressed in private, would every one mind waiting out in the hall?”
“The ceremony should be starting soon. Is there a problem?” Corisande asks.
“No. No problem, she just…needs time to collect herself.” Liz smiles tightly and after a moment of pause everyone leaves the room. Liz turns to me. “I’ll be right back.”
“Where are you going?”
“To fix the wedding day that’s where.” She mutters as she exits leaving me in the large room by myself. Just a pretty white dress and some left over hair supplies, makeup and self-pity to keep me company. After a few minutes I hear footsteps by the door and then knocking.
“Yes?” I call.
“Hey. Liz said you wanted to talk to me?” My stomach drops. I thought it had hit the road with my dignity but apparently it stuck around to give my body the drama necessary to fulfill this part of my humiliating experience.
“Uhm…” I say not sure what to tell him. The door creaks open and a black shoe appears before he stops.
“Wait, are you in the dress?” Cash asks me and I shake my head and then realize he can’t see me. After I run over to the dress and zip up the garment bag it is in I say, “No. It’s okay.” Cash enters the room in his tux and I have to suck in a breath. He is the most handsome guy I have ever seen and I cannot believe I am delaying marrying him. He smiles at me. A sweet genuine smile.
“You are aware most cultures consider this bad luck?” He comes closer to me. I shrug.
“What’s luck when you have a verbal agreement?”
“And soon a written one.” Cash quips and I bite the inside of my cheek looking away from him. I notice that his smile drops from the corner of my eyes. “Oh. That’s it then? Cold feet?” I exhale and plop down on a chair in front of the vanity. When I work up the nerve, I look up at him.
“Cash. I don’t think I can do this.” I whisper. He steps closer to me, and squats down in front of me.
“Talk to me.”
/>
“I just. I just think that marriage is something that should be taken seriously. It shouldn’t be a game. And I don’t want either of us to regret this in the future and it destroy the friendship that we have. Because I love our friendship. I love our relationship. It’s important to me.” I suck in a deep breath and try to keep the frog in my throat from preventing my speech. “What I feel for you. It’s real. And I don’t think it would be in my heart’s best interest for me to marry the guy I am in love with…when neither of us are ready for that step.” I whisper the last part but, I cannot meet Cash’s eyes. Eventually he sighs and grabs my hands. He tugs on them so that I look at him. When I do his brilliant green eyes are gazing back at me with nothing but adoration and acceptance. Not exactly what I was expecting.
“Khloe. How many times am I going to have to tell you about my feelings for you before you understand them?” My heart stops.
“What?” I whisper.
“This may have started off as a game. Maybe. Maybe, I have known since I first walked into Warren Academy and sat next to the girl who promised to castrate me if I did not pick her bag up off of the floor, that you were someone I could actually connect with. Someone that could actually get me and want me because of me, not because you knew who I was related to.”
“But, that’s exactly what this is. Isn’t it? An arrangement of convenience?”
“It started off that way. Khloe. I have known since I first set eyes on you that I wanted to be in your life. I didn't know how I would do it. Here, I was so accustomed to girls already knowing who I was and throwing themselves at me. In America, I could be just another one of the guys. The adjustment I had not prepared for was meeting you. Everything about you is so real, and honest, that it was difficult for me to believe that a girl like you, on the straight and narrow with goals and stars in her eyes would want to be with a guy like me with all of the baggage that entails. The more I got to know you, the more I wanted to be with you. I would flirt with you, and sometimes you would return the quips, other times you would brush me off. It was hard to get a read on you. But this,” He pauses to point between us. “Has always been real for me. In fact, I may have been in this relationship six months longer than you.” Cash jokes and I choke out a surprised laugh and squeeze his hands.
“If that is the case, you my friend, are a cheater.”
“A guy has needs, Beauté.” I roll my eyes.
“Why didn’t you…why didn’t you ever express this side before the whole engagement?”
He seems to think about this. “I was an idiot. I wanted you, but your signals were so mixed I was never sure how to approach you seriously.” I don’t know what to say to that so I don’t say anything at all. “Khloe. If you don’t want to do this, then don’t. I would never force you into anything you don’t want to do. But I will tell you that I want to try this; seriously — I know that no one else thinks we can do it. But, you and I have never been the kind of people that care what other’s think, we are in a league of our own. I love you Khloe.”
“I love you too.” I smile so big my cheeks hurt.
Cash stands up and pulls me with him. He pulls me into a hug and then kisses my lips, both of my cheeks, and my forehead.
“I do think that you are right, though.” I frown.
“Right about what?”
“Marriage. It should be taken more seriously. That’s why I gave you this.” He grabs my hand, gesturing to my ring. “Everything I said was genuine but this wedding,” he pauses. “This is not how we wanted it. You’ve dreamed of your wedding, non?”
I shrug. “I’m pretty sure every girl has dreamed of her wedding.” He nods.
“Then, we should do it the way you want to. When we want to. On our terms.” It takes a minute for what he is saying to sink in. He is giving me an out. We do not have to get married today. Could I live with that? We had a deal. But, since the conversation we had the other night about how different things will be between us if we get married now that we are in a real relationship, it could turn awkward. Then I think of my dad. He is the only family that I have and he is not here to see one of the most important days of my life. I did not even get to pick my invitations or the cake design. My wedding dress is the only thing that I had input in and I love it. I will keep it. I nod.
“What about the reason behind all this?”
He exhales deeply but pulls me closer to him. “We’ll figure it out. As long as we have each other, no one can stop us.” He winks, giving me a devastating smile.
“And all these people that came here to see us?”
“They didn’t come to see us,” he scoffs. “They came to see a show. We can give them that.” I laugh at the mischief in his eyes. Charming devil that only he could be. Cashel Castille my prince charming. My kryptonite. My Achilles heel.
I should have known that our love is abstract. It’s not tangible to others but it is abundantly apparent to us. It’s different. Our love is a Picasso in a room full of da Vinci’s. Not better, just in a different taste. We are not like everyone else. Like he said, we are in a league of our own.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Everyone was less than pleased about Cash and I’s announcement that we were postponing the wedding indefinitely. Ultimately, we made the right decision for us. For the entirety of our relationship, we had been under the hand of everyone else, and like Cash said, that was not us. We make our own rules. So we are. We told everyone to stay for the food and to consider this an engagement party. Liz said that we were crazy but hugged both of us with bright, approving smiles and joined in on the festivities of the engagement party. Tomas and Jas congratulated us with smiles as well. Jas said that she was happy for us and we had her support no matter what decisions we make.
Surprisingly, even Corisande was okay with our decision. A few people were not. Lena, I thought was going to have a coronary. Clara looked pretty happy about the news, I am sure we will see an article about it with her inside story about how she knew this was all a sham or some foolishness. I don’t really care. I have Cash and that is all I could ask for.
Arms come over Cash and I’s shoulders. We both look to see Noa with a huge smile on his face. “Khloe, I was so looking forward to you becoming my sister!” He says.
“Don’t worry, some day soon, if the gods permit, we shall be related.” I say in an ancient accent. Noa laughs.
“So shall it be.” He replies. Wyatt comes around and hugs me.
“Does this mean that we get to have another bachelorette party? I can so throw a better one with more notice.” She exclaims. My eyes grow wide.
“Oh, no.” I groan.
Liz laughs. “I don’t know Wy. You might be a little too crazy for us.”
“What? This is Paris baby! We must fun while we are young!” We all laugh at her outrageous personality.
“Whatever you want, you party animal.” I tell her and she smiles at me.
“If you all do not mind, I would like to have a few moments alone with my fiancé.” Cash says. Everyone makes kiss faces at us as Cash leads me out to the balcony.
“What’s up?” I lean on the balcony. My hair blows in the mild Paris wind and Cash leans his forearms on the balcony right next to me so that our arms brush.
“I have an…engagement gift for you.” He says with a smile. He reaches into the front of his tux and pulls out a long, rather slim, rectangular box.
“If this is jewelry, then you know how I feel about it.” I tell him. He grins at me. I roll my eyes and open it, expecting to be overwhelmed with discomfort. Instead I am overwhelmed with curiosity. “What is?” I open one of the first envelopes, leaving the rest in the box and setting it on the balcony. I read the name on the return address but don’t understand, until I open the letter.
Dear Ms. Khloe Hudson,
After reviewing your portfolio and application Atwood University is pleased to congratulate you on your acceptance into our Advanced Arts program for the fall semester. The instructors i
n that department are very pleased to offer you a place in the program.
Enclosed with this letter, you will find the necessary enrollment forms to fill out and return at your earliest convenience…
“What? I don’t?” I am so happy and excited and confused. Cash’s face is so bright with joy it looks like the sun is shining from his mouth.
“Apparently, many schools were so inclined to offer you a space after learning of your troubles. Mrs. Bailey, my grandmother and I put together portfolios from your art classes and sent off copies to as many schools as possible.”
My mouth is still going open unattractively. “All of these…?” I question as I look at the stack of letters.
“All acceptance letters. Some for culinary arts, others just art programs. You can research each and decide where you want to go. Some are even here in Paris.” I can’t believe he did this for me. Tears spring to my eyes for the millionth time today. I never knew crying of joy could happen to one person after so many nights of feeling too numb to even cry due to hardships.
I spring myself at him and he catches me. Swinging me around as I squeal and cry and kiss his face, his cheeks, his lips.
“That is the best gift anyone has ever given me.” I whisper to him. Cash raises and eyebrow but I can see the happiness still radiating from him.
“Well, I’ll just be taking that ring…”
“Oh no no no…that stays with me!” I laugh and he swings me again, sets me down, and rains kisses down on my face. Before stepping back and away from me a little bit, keeping us touching as he looks at me in wonder.
“What?”
“I just wanted to look at you with the backdrop of my family home.” He says sweetly. He leans over and pecks me on the mouth. I light up on the inside and I am sure it is so bright that it radiates through every pore on my body.
“Well, aren’t you just Prince Charming?” I ask mockingly and push a hand through his hair as he anchors me to him. He chuckles as he kisses me. Warmth seeping through my bones against the chill of the night. My heart swells and feels too light inside my body at the joy I am experiencing in it’s completion right now. I may not be married, but I did get my prince.