Anoushka had watched the colour drain from Alexis’s face, Mishka’s eyes fill with tears. Why hadn’t she held her arms out to them, given them a chance to rush into them? Just standing by the window, unable to put her pain away, had been her fatal mistake. Anger and bitterness had grabbed her and would not let her go. They had consumed her and left no place for her sons to slip in and comfort her, sapped her of the energy she needed to comfort them. Instead she continued, ‘Your dad wants you to stay with him in our house, for me to make a new life for myself elsewhere. He’s running me out of town, blackmailing me with your happiness.’
‘Anoushka!’ Robert’s shout made her jump with anxiety. She was way out of line. She had gone too far. The boys looked horrified, disbelieving, she could see that in their faces. Her hysteria frightened them. They looked not to her but to their father for an explanation of her behaviour. Robert went to his sons and sat between them. He placed an arm round each of them. Mishka placed his head against Robert’s shoulder.
Why hadn’t the boys run to her, tried to soothe her? Seeing her sons and her husband together made it somehow worse for Anoushka. She was unable to help herself. The sight of them all cosy with each other had only hardened her resolve to state the facts, tell her side of it. She wanted to show Robert up for what he was doing to them all. So she had continued.
And now, in the back seat of the car crossing town to The Plaza, her words were haunting her: ‘I have agreed to your father’s terms not because I want to but because I love you both with all my heart and don’t want to uproot you from home and friends. Dad says our divorce has nothing to do with my relationship with you boys. We can see each other whenever, wherever we want. I’m keeping the Caribbean house, and you can have your holidays there with me. We can travel. I’ll be at the end of a telephone whenever you want me.
‘All that is true, but hardly the same as us all living together as one family. Your father would like to think it’s simple for us all to dance to his new tune. Well, maybe it is for him, for you boys, but it certainly isn’t for me.’
They had been shocked by their parents’ intention to divorce. Concern for where their mother would go, what she would do, was in every question they had asked. Alexis had come out with, ‘Is it sex, another woman? Is that why Dad has stopped loving you?’
That was the question that had hurt the most. And she had done no better with that than she had with any of her other answers. She told her sons, ‘Your dad has lied to us all. He was only making believe he loved me, he says for our sakes, yours and mine. There has always been another woman he loved more than me, but I’ll let him explain all that to you as he has so cruelly explained it to me. She’s a traitor, like your father, and they have both cheated me for the last time.’
Anoushka knew her answers had been filled with bitterness and sniping at Robert, blaming him for everything, that she had kept babbling on about him irrationally, one minute attacking him, the next telling the boys they were staying with him because he was a good father who wanted the best for them all. The crossed signals she was sending out only drove Alexis and Mishka further away from her and her unhappiness and closer to the calm, quiet support their father was emanating. Anoushka had been appalled when she realised that the boys, prompted by their father, saw her plight as nothing more than glamour, a great adventure for her to go out into the world and construct a new life for herself. They would all have new lives with the old one as a foundation to build on. She wanted to kill Robert.
David interrupted her thoughts. ‘Anoushka, I feel there is something that must be addressed and this is the last time I will be able to have a quiet word with you before we get to The Plaza.’
Though she barely heard the words, David’s voice snapped her back to the present. ‘You’re using your attorney’s voice, David.’
‘I guess I am. As both friend and attorney I am advising you for the last time that you are being rash and very foolish. You are acting out of pain and pride in not going for a better settlement from Robert than you have chosen to take. Your own lawyer has advised you of that, and though I am Robert’s attorney, I as a friend, and Robert as my client, advise you to take what he is now offering. You will be much better off.’
‘Throw Anoushka another bone? Is that what he has instructed? Everything I take from him, David, makes me feel like a dog hungry for the leftovers of a life I once had with him. To learn that I have been living off the scraps and bones of his generosity all these years when I thought it was love is humiliating enough, don’t you think? I only want what I want. And I wish I had money of my own, something of myself to fall back on so I could walk away from him taking nothing. I’m not the dog he thinks I am, and I don’t want his generosity. I have had my fill of that. The house in Barbados, twenty-five thousand dollars, first-class travel for a year, and one thing, any thing, from the house that I want. And I am only taking those things so I can get on my feet. He got away cheap.’
‘That’s what he’s worried about.’
‘Tough, he’ll have to live with that.’
‘You’re not being rational or practical, Anoushka, just stubborn. You can’t make anything like the life you are used to with nothing but twenty-five thousand dollars and all your travel expenses for a year. What about when the year is up? How will you live? Even in Barbados?’
‘I don’t know how I’m going to live through this lunch, never mind anything after that. So stop asking me, and telling me what a fool I am. Don’t you think I know that? If you’re a friend then watch over my boys for me. I can’t think of anything else you can do except change the subject.’
They were waiting in the lobby of The Plaza: Robert, Alexis, Mishka, and the Holland boys, Rudi and Joe. The moment Anoushka came through the door she saw them all standing together, eyes on the entrance. Mishka had an armful of long-stemmed white roses and Alexis carried a massive box of chocolates, wrapped beautifully in silver paper with a gold bow. They rushed forward to kiss their mother. They did indeed think her departure a great and happy adventure for her, she could tell by the smiles on their faces, the enthusiasm with which they greeted her, and were looking forward to seeing her aboard the QE2 and having a tour of the ship. Robert had covered himself well.
Robert. The moment she saw him standing there in The Plaza her heart skipped a beat. How handsome and sexy he was. She wanted him. She was still attracted to him. It was purely physical. The chemistry for her with Robert was still there as strong as ever. As the boys hugged her and presented her with the sumptuous gifts, she smiled and kissed them and thanked them and put on a good show for them, but her heart was with Robert. She wanted him, yearned to be lost in erotic bliss with him. She wanted to come, for him to transport her into the erotic world she was so happy with him in. But it was gone, that would never happen again. An exciting sexual life with the man she loved, that too was over for her. For the first time since that dreadful night less than a week ago she realised the extent of her sexual loss. That was something else she would have to learn to live with. Yet another thing to traumatise her.
They gazed across the room at each other, his face as hard and cold and angry with her as it had been since that night when he blew her world apart and left her with the dregs of a life. He used his anger like a shield, deflecting all Anoushka’s grief and hurt at his actions as if he was afraid to confront them face on. He was not a man devoid of compassion, but as a doctor he had long ago learned how to bury it deep.
Rudi and Joe left Robert’s side to greet Anoushka. They gave her a kiss and presented her with gifts until her arms were full; they too were caught up in their friends’ mother’s departure. From her side they rushed away to greet their own mother and father. To anyone in the lobby of The Plaza, here was a happy family party. A birthday? An anniversary? Some mysterious and exciting rare occasion that was cause for a party? One would hardly have guessed a divorce. It was left only for Robert to join them.
He walked across the lobby and greeted Anous
hka. ‘You look very chic. I always did like you in that hat.’ He took her lightly by the elbow, wanting to usher her through the lobby to the Oak Room. She pulled away as discreetly as she could without making a scene. He managed a whisper to her.
‘For the boys’ sake, please, no scene. Christ knows we have had our scenes!’
Anoushka’s reply was to walk quickly from his side, to join Mishka and Alexis and ask them, ‘How about helping me with all these terrific presents? What a lucky lady I am.’
‘Postcards, Mum, lots of postcards.’
‘And for me too please, Mrs Rivers,’ had been Rudi’s and Joe’s reply to that.
All through lunch Robert was at his most charming. He had planned her farewell magnificently, leaving not a thing undone so that it should seem the most happy of celebrations. Bitterly she thought, well, it is for him, but kept that thought to herself and suppressed the misery she was feeling every minute of that lunch, every second of her last day with her family and friends.
They had a large table by the window. In the bowl in the centre were white tulips, her favourite flower. They were served oysters Rockefeller, turtle soup, rock Cornish game hen, wild rice, baby peas, candied carrot and sweet potato, a green salad with Roquefort dressing, chocolate mousse. All the boys’ favourites made up the menu for the Rivers party.
The twins had been seated on either side of their mother and the Holland boys on either side of them. Robert had seated himself where he and Anoushka need not confront each other across the table. The boys’ youth and innocence, love, their enthusiasm for her new adventure and endless talk about where they would go, what they would do if they were the ones sailing into the unknown, charmed and melted Anoushka’s heart. It eased her pain and she lost herself for a few hours in their dreams.
Afterwards it was to be coffee and petit fours in the Palm Court of the hotel where tables had been arranged for them. There was yet another farewell surprise too. Alexis and Mishka had vanished from the party for a few minutes only to reappear with guitar and flute.
The boys had been studying music since they were five years old and Alexis’s mastery of the classical guitar was something very special. The flute, played by Mishka, exquisite at the worst of times, was today ethereal, tender, so very sweet. Alexis took the chair placed in the centre of the court under a palm tree and Mishka stood ready to play next to him. They gave Anoushka a farewell concert, announcing first, ‘We have arranged this piece as a gift for our mother.’ The piece was composed by Joaquin Rodrigo, and the twins had adapted it so that they could play it together. Several times, as one played solo, the sound of the other’s instrument seemed to linger and ride for a few seconds on the notes of the other. In duet, they were equally impressive.
The surprise was almost Anoushka’s undoing. She had been saved from breaking down by a combination of feelings: rage, anger, love, pride and despair. Self-pity for her plight. Betsy, sitting next to her, reached out to take her hand, squeeze it, and whisper, ‘It was all their idea. You’re being terrific. When they are older, and understand, the boys will always remember you for this with admiration.’
Those words helped Anoushka to keep herself together. Never was she as proud of her boys as during their concert! They had heart and soul and genius with their music. How had she failed to realise that until now? By the time they had played the last note the Palm Court was ringed with people. Alexis and Mishka took their applause with ease and a smile and blew a kiss to their mother before joining her. They needed no words to tell them how much she had enjoyed her surprise. It was hugs and kisses from her, and more from Betsy, and shakes of the hand from Robert and David, a pat on the back from Rudi and Joe. ‘You get it from my mother …’ Anoushka began. The boys broke in and finished her sentence with her ‘… she was a master on the balalaika as a child, famed in St Petersburg for her skill with the instrument.’ Everyone began to laugh, even Anoushka herself.
‘You always say that, Mom. Every time we finish playing something you like,’ said Mishka.
‘Do I?’
‘Every time,’ repeated Alexis and Robert in unison.
Robert should have kept quiet. It broke the spell, cast her back to the reality of her situation. But once more she was saved, this time by strangers who made it easier for Anoushka by breaking into the Riverses’ party to praise the boys.
Later, walking up the gangway of the luxury liner with her family and friends, there was a moment when Anoushka did falter and think she could no longer go on with the charade. To die right there and have it all end, this sham of a life she had led, how she wished it could be over right then and there! But death is not all that merciful, not so easily achieved when you want it. Something made her reach way down into herself and, against her will, struggle on through the afternoon.
There came a moment when Betsy and the boys decided they would accept the captain’s invitation to have a look round the bridge of the ship and Anoushka was left alone in her cabin with Robert and David. Her immediate reaction was to head for the door. She had nothing to say to Robert. David looked uncomfortable. Robert asked in that same cold and indifferent voice he now reserved for her, ‘Anoushka, do you have everything you want?’
She swung round to face him. ‘What a very stupid, insensitive question. What do you think? You’re a smart man, supposedly a man of genius. Answer that one yourself.’
‘I meant, have you chosen what you want to take from the house? I’ll have it shipped wherever you like, whenever you like.’
‘Oh, that. Tie up the last detail, end it clean and neat, and then nothing left except civility between us for the rest of our lives. For the sake of the children.’
Anoushka caught the look of irritation with her on Robert’s face as he shot a glance across the stateroom to David. ‘Don’t worry, Robert, I made a deal, I’ll abide by it for the sake of my sons. Tie up the loose ends? They’re tied up, you hard, mean bastard! I’ve already taken a memento of my life with you.’
‘Don’t call me mean, Anoushka, you could have had more than one thing from the house. Hard, yes, I’ll confess to that – something I’ve had to be with you to get on with my life. Learn a lesson from that.’
It was David who, sensing the ugliness behind what was happening and how it could escalate, stopped it with, ‘That’s enough. It’s all been said. There’s no point in your beating up on each other any more. It’s not worthy of either one of you. Now, just for the record, what have you taken, Anoushka?’
She seemed to pull herself up. Walking tall, she crossed the stateroom to look in a mirror. She adjusted her hat, ran the pads of her fingers over her face as if she were wiping away the stress, all her anxieties, then turned to face them. Adjusting the magnificently luscious lynx collar of her camelhair coat she looked David directly in the eyes and told him, a degree of hauteur in her voice, ‘The Greek and Roman coin collection.’ Then she looked past David to Robert and for the first time since their estrangement challenged him with a look of pure vindictiveness.
‘You’ve never shown any interest in the collection. You’ve rarely taken the time to look at the coins and know nothing about them except that I am a passionate collector who has traded up my grandfather’s collection since I was a child. You took the one thing you knew I could not bear losing. It never entered my mind you could be so vengeful.’
‘Now you know how it feels.’
Anoushka walked from the stateroom with Robert’s and David’s voices ringing in her ears.
‘You wanted your freedom, Robert, it seems the price is the coins. Having signed a paper declaring Anoushka could have anything she wanted from the house, you’d better abide by that document and take this like a man.’
‘She knows nothing about them. She has no idea what she has there.’ He was protesting but there was resignation in Robert’s voice. And pain.
Anoushka had known very well that was the only loss that would pain Robert because for all his love of beauty and rare things, he was n
ot a materialistic man. He could sustain the loss of anything else without too much distress. Things were things to Robert. Life was something other than things, and she had always admired him for that. But the coins had always been something else for him, representing the special passion and excitement that all collectors live for. He would suffer this loss, agonise over what she would do with them. The coin collection was a lifetime’s love and work. She had hit him a blow she knew he would never recover from, and not only because she took it, or didn’t care about it, but because she knew absolutely nothing about the coins. Robert despised ignorance. The collection had been his very private thing. He had always been as reserved and secretive about it as he had been about not loving her. Oh, yes. She had got him where it hurt and that raised her spirits considerably.
The farewells were dreadful, and not only for Anoushka. At that moment, on deck, just before they were about to take leave of the ship and go down the gangway with their father, mother and sons kissed and hugged each other and made promises to write and for Anoushka to call once a week from wherever she was in the world. Tears welled up in the boys’ eyes and were fought back. There were smiles on trembling lips. It was Alexis who said it for them all: ‘We’re OK, Mom, it’s all just too new and a matter of getting used to.’
‘A new door opens and all that,’ chimed in Mishka, and placed an arm round his brother’s shoulder.
‘In a way you have to like the excitement of the drama Dad has created,’ said Alexis.
‘Well, maybe not like but play the role each of us has been cast in it,’ answered Anoushka.
That seemed to strike a chord in each of them and simultaneously they all laughed and tears vanished. Anoushka laughed too but asked herself, ‘Is this black humour?’ And then she was alone.
Objects of Desire Page 5