‘The first time my mother visited she was wearing a very elegant sari and over it a full-length sable coat. That was very bad form. The next time she came dressed in Balmain, that wasn’t much better, too grand, too elegant, too sophisticated for the tweeds and the twin sets of cashmere and the obligatory pearls, that were just as much an embarrassment to the other boys. The next time she came, she wore the tweeds and that was worse. Then, finally, she just stopped coming and it was a relief. We all wanted our mothers to look like Bridget Bardot or Jane Fonda and dress like Marilyn Monroe.
‘Dad had it worked out. He always came in the right car with a huge hamper from Harrod’s and another from Fortnum’s, for my brother and me; we were told that they were from our mother for us and our friends. You see, any form of food was acceptable.’
‘What was the car?’ asked Page.
‘A Rolls driven by his chauffeur when my mother was with him, a vintage Mercedes Benz with a soft top when he drove alone.’
‘I get your message, Jahangir.’
‘Good,’ he said with a smile.
The grounds were teeming with people: schoolboys and parents, sisters and brothers, teachers and caterers. It had that strange atmosphere of being a festive occasion, a family reunion, a country fête, with all the anxiety and fun that comes with any and all of those occasions.
Anoushka and Page were walking together, followed by Jahangir and Sally. They were on the path heading for the headmaster’s office. Anoushka looked round and smiled at them, then turned to Page. ‘He’s so clever, I’m so happy for Sally.’
‘I suppose what you’re referring to are those admiring looks we’re getting from the boys?’
It was true. There were groups of them standing together, some with parents, some without. Anoushka had even heard a loud whisper from one boy to another, ‘Who do you think they belong to? Wow!’
Page, of course, was the most dazzling with her green eyes and auburn hair worn long and nearly straight for the occasion. She was dressed in a leather suit of dove grey, the skirt tight to her body and hanging to just below her knee. The short jacket finished snugly at the waist and was the same shade of grey in suede, trimmed in the polished leather of her skirt. It looked like the most refined biker’s jacket with its large revers and two rows of silver studs round the waist band. Her long shapely legs were in cream-coloured stockings and her flat-heeled shoes were grey snakeskin trimmed in black crocodile. Jahangir had declared mothers tottering on the grass in high heels, even worse if they were stuck into the grass lawns and had to be yanked out, a most serious embarrassment for a boy. Immediate laughter on sight. She carried under her arm an envelope bag of black crocodile. Glamorous but not flash, young but not ridiculously so. Perfect had been Jahangir’s opinion, thinking of himself as a young teenager starved for a woman.
Anoushka was looking ravishingly attractive. Her silvery-blonde hair shimmered in the sunlight. In Paris they had cut it short and it was wavy and worn off her face to show off better her high cheekbones and classical aristocratic Russian good looks. The silk and linen jacket of tiny checks in black and white hugged her body. It had great charm with its slightly puffed sleeves at the shoulder that fitted snugly to her arms and its short peplum that fish-tailed provocatively just above her bottom. The form-fitting skirt only accentuated the cut and dash of the suit that was more like a two-piece dress since she wore no blouse beneath. Her cream-coloured calfskin shoes and handbag matched. Page’s comment on seeing Anoushka had been, ‘Oh, you must have it. It’s Lauren Bacall’s suit when she met Bogart in their first movie. Well, almost.’
Of course heads turned for Anoushka and Page, but eyes lingered longest on Sally. She was every boy’s dream, petite, provocatively pretty, a doll of a girl. She, like Page, had chosen leather. Her suit was a polished coral colour, a hip-length jacket over a skirt finishing a few inches above her knees.
Jahangir too drew the attention of the boys as being very smart. He had chosen cream-coloured flannel trousers with turn-ups, a rich blue Turnbull & Asser shirt, a red and white polka dot tie, and a navy blue linen jacket, worn with its sleeves pushed up and open to show a tobacco-coloured herringbone waistcoat of linen.
Was it Anoushka’s imagination that everyone looked frightfully dull? No, not so much dull, there were a great many well-dressed and pretty women, handsome and well-turned out men, just an air of people taking themselves, and the event, and their children, too seriously.
About a hundred yards from the entrance of the building was the headmaster’s office. She had made arrangements to meet Robert and her boys there. Anoushka felt suddenly strange. Not at all the Anoushka Rivers she had been, her children had known, her husband expected. She had lost some of her insecurities about being anything other than the Mrs Rivers Robert had wanted. She was being reunited with her sons and that was what they expected, who they loved and wanted to see, but she was no longer that woman, only a fraction of her was left. Yes, she felt decidedly strange.
Mishka and Alexis saw her before she saw them. They were cutting across the lawn heading for the headmaster’s office, and not knowing why they had been summoned. At Anoushka’s request, her arrival had been kept as a birthday surprise. It was Alexis who recognised Page first from photographs Anoushka had been sending them of herself and her friends.
‘Mishk, I think that’s Mom’s friend, Page Cooper. What a knock out! It does look like her. Fancy Mom having a friend like that …’ He stopped in mid-sentence.
‘Alexis, that’s Mom with her.’
‘I thought it was, but she looks so different. Boy, she sure looks good.’
They broke into a run across the lawn and rushed up to Anoushka and Page. ‘Mom, what are you doing here?’
‘I’m a surprise for your birthday. And I brought my friends.’ It was difficult for her to hold back tears of joy but she managed it. ‘Don’t suppose you could manage a hug for your mom?’
‘Not here, not in public!’
That wise Jahangir, she thought, before saying, ‘Well, I can at least shake your hand. That is permissible?’ Finally Alexis gave her a hug, but it was quick and afterwards he looked round in the hope of not being discovered.
‘Mom, this is a great surprise.’
The boys looked so happy to see her, it gave Anoushka all the courage she needed to get through the weekend. ‘This is Page.’ They shook hands with her and were quick to thank her for the birthday gift she had sent. ‘And this is Jahangir.’ The boys immediately launched endless questions at him about the polo equipment he had sent them, and when Jahangir interrupted them to introduce Sally they suddenly became dumbstruck and fell in love. Every schoolboy’s dream to have a Sally to prance round with at an open day at school. She charmed them with more than her looks, and asked all the right questions about the events of the day. They made up a jolly and attractive party and every few minutes one of Anoushka’s sons would remark how different she seemed to them or how different she looked. Of course they were right, she was different, she’d been through hell and back again and you don’t make that trip without changing.
After fifteen minutes it was Alexis who said, ‘Oh, Mom, we were supposed to be at the headmaster’s office twenty minutes ago.’
‘I know, so were we. That’s where we’d planned to spring this surprise, and meet your dad.’
All the fun and life seemed to drain from the boys’ faces and they went very quiet. Finally it was Mishka who asked, ‘Mom, you’re not going to have a fight with him and say terrible things to him or make a scene like last time we were all together? That was terrible. You were kind of crazy, very scary. It’s not going to be like last time, Mom? You wouldn’t do that, would you?’
Then Alexis spoke. ‘If you’re going to make a scene, please not in front of the headmaster. That would be so embarrassing. Or any of our friends. We’d never live that down.’
‘I’m not going to make a scene. You have my word on that. And not in front of my friends either.’
Smiles
reappeared on the boys’ faces. ‘Well, that’s all right then,’ said Alexis happily. Mishka looked relieved. The atmosphere was relaxed again.
En route to the headmaster’s office they were stopped several times by boys who would approach Mishka or Alexis seeking to be introduced to their mother and her friends.
She could never remember seeing such pride in her boys’ faces or hearing it in their voices when they said, ‘This is my mom. She’s flown in from an island in Greece just for Parents’ Weekend. These are her friends, the ladies she’s going to sail the Atlantic with.’ And then they would very deliberately introduce everyone to each other. It was therefore a very happy party that finally burst into the headmaster’s office.
‘Boys, you’re late. This won’t do. Your father has been waiting. Oh, I see you have your surprise.’
Anoushka greeted the headmaster, introduced her friends to him and then apologised. ‘It was by accident that we bumped into each other on the way here, and I delayed us.’
That seemed to smooth things over with the headmaster who did not seem very cross but actually more interested in Jahangir than anyone else. Anoushka found it difficult to take her eyes off Robert and Rosamond who were standing at the window.
Sally and Page were watching her with some concern. Both of them felt a new admiration for her for what she was doing. How brave to be fighting back, they had declared to each other. Mishka and Alexis were obviously happy to see Robert and Rosamond and did nothing to hide their affection for them, kissing Rosamond on the cheek and shaking hands with their father who ruffled their hair. Anoushka thought her heart would break. They had had to think twice about giving her a hug, and the kiss had never happened.
Jahangir, standing next to her, whispered, ‘Remember, boys don’t kiss mothers in front of other boys.’ That helped. Anoushka closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath. She was all right, in control of herself again. How had he guessed what she had been thinking? Had it been showing? She simply could not have that. She could and would carry off this weekend, and on her terms.
Introductions had to be made. That eased things, distracted the emotions. It gave her time to organise her thoughts. Finally she was able to say something to her ex-husband. ‘Robert, you’re looking very well.’
‘So are you, Anoushka. In fact you look marvellous.’
Rosamond had not left Robert’s side. Anoushka faced her but was unable to bring herself to speak to her. The others were at the far side of the room looking at framed photographs of former pupils and searching for Jahangir’s brother in them. So Anoushka did have a modicum of privacy for this awkward meeting. It was Rosamond who spoke first. ‘I hope we can be friends?’
Not wanting to make a scene, Anoushka dropped her voice so that it was just above a whisper. ‘Oh, I don’t think so. But I’m calling a truce for my sons’ birthday.’ And then she walked away to join the others.
It was an exhausting day, with a continuous programme of field sports, some theatre, a concert, rowing, and sailing events, lunch and tea. The socialising with other parents was the most exhausting of all. In the evening there was a dinner dance at the school, black tie and evening gowns, and Mishka and Alexis and half a dozen of their close friends joined the Riverses and party. All in all it was a great success and no one was in doubt that Anoushka Rivers and her friends had made a great contribution to the festivities.
By evening Anoushka, Sally and Page had become the centre of attention for parents as well as boys and staff. They all wanted to know about the plan to sail the Atlantic. Why were they doing it? How? When? From where to where? Some wanted to know about their trekking in the Himalayas, others what it was like to live on a Greek island. They were adventurous, and boys and parents found them fascinating. Mishka and Alexis kept asking their father, ‘Isn’t Mom different? And terrific.’
‘A great surprise,’ Robert would reply, relieved that all was going so well.
Throughout the evening and all the attention heaped upon Anoushka and her party, Rosamond behaved impeccably. She joined in and was charming to everyone, including Anoushka, whenever the occasion arose. At one point while everyone was dancing Anoushka found herself alone at the table with Robert.
‘You’re making the boys very happy. You’re making a hit.’
‘And you?’
‘You surprise me pleasantly. But I would be grateful to you if you would be nicer to Rosamond. She misses you as a friend. She bears no malice towards you.’
‘Robert, please don’t be stupid, it doesn’t suit you.’
He bristled. ‘There’s no need for you to talk to me that way.’
‘And there’s no need for you to defend Rosamond. There is no defence for her behaviour. She stole you from me, and my home, my children, my life. What malice could she possibly bear towards me? She got everything she wanted. Why should I be nice to her? I said there was a truce and I’ll stand by that. But you expect too much.’
‘The lost years? The children we might have had? But let’s talk no further about this. There’s no point. We’re here for the boys.’
‘Maybe you are, Robert, but I’m here for the boys and me. If that means being civil to Rosamond, I will be. She’s a part of their life and has been for almost all of their lives, now more so than ever, but if she wants to stay that way she had better be damned nice to me. I suggest you tell her that instead of lecturing me on how to behave with her. Now excuse me.’ Anoushka rose from the chair and walked to the far side of the room to join her friends.
The following day at the school was more or less the same as the day before but Anoushka was with her boys and she had won them back. That for her was everything. There were odd moments when they expected her to behave as the mother they had always known: permissive of everything they wanted or did, vague, indifferent to their criticism of her, accepting of the little jokes about her bad housekeeping and lack of organisation. They sometimes sounded as if they were mimicking their father. The new Anoushka saw and heard things that she could no longer equate with herself.
Her greatest problem though was not her boys, or even Rosamond. It was Robert. She still found him handsome, sexually charismatic, charming. She still could not divorce herself from the years of happiness she had had with him. The security of home, a family, status in the community. She still wanted him sexually. She would have gone with him to any corner in that school, behind a hedge, anywhere, if only he had asked her. He could still trigger in her erotic feelings so intense she wanted to weep for his rejection of her, his deceit, the years of lies and disloyalty, but more than all of those things put together, for not wanting to have sex with her any more.
Anoushka struggled with that but kept it well hidden. She could see in the way he looked at Rosamond, his every touch, every word was filled with love for her. Sexual desire for her shone in his eyes when he looked at her across the crowded room. There was no hope for Anoushka. No reconciliation was even remotely possible. Had that been what she had hoped for?
Now for the first time she understood what those looks she had seen exchanged between Robert and Rosamond for so many years during her marriage had meant. They had always loved each other and she had refused to see it. She had been in the dark, whether by choice or ignorance. Should they not have taken her by the hand and led her into the light? How they must have hated her when all the time she thought she was bathing in their love for her.
Anoushka was aware that this was the new, the very changed Anoushka seeing the truth of her past life with Robert. The new woman could not feel the pain of that realisation as the old one would have. Anoushka had learned during her exile from marriage how to harden her heart, to love herself. She had stopped beating herself up for someone else’s faults.
It was no longer a matter of getting the weekend over with. She was enjoying being in the States, being a parent again, seeing her boys and their friends, their admiration for her, and the new life she was carving for herself. She was aware that it was in p
art thanks to her friends.
Jahangir had, of course, triumphed in his organisation of the journey from Groton to Lakeside. She was certain the boys at the school would never forget the vintage cars that swept the party away to a private airfield where they boarded a small plane. Anoushka told him, ‘Your organisation of things is making this such a joy for me, however did you manage it all?’
He replied, ‘It’s easy when you have a string of polo friends to help you out.’
She had fantasised so many times what it would be like to return to Lakeside, to see it again. The reality was nothing like her fantasies. It was difficult, she had expected that, but in a different way than she had imagined. She found Lakeside even more beautiful than she already knew it to be. And the house, when they drove up to it, all but took her breath away. It was home. The only real home of her own she had ever had, the only home she had ever wanted. Though she no longer wanted it, it still remained a palatial, beautiful place with all the grace and charm of New England at its best. To have allowed herself to be thrown out of this house and this town that she’d loved, she knew now she must have been momentarily out of her mind. It was at that moment, standing with Page and Sally and Jahangir, that she knew why she had insisted they stay in the house. She was laying ghosts that might haunt her all the rest of her life had she not faced them.
A few people were already there for the party when they arrived. Mishka and Alexis ran out to greet them, and Rosamond showed them to the guest rooms. That was almost unbearable for Anoushka, and certainly awkward for Rosamond and Robert. Just as she had predicted, however, they all managed to hide their feelings from the boys.
For Mishka and Alexis, having them all together again, mother, father, and Rosamond, and having a good time as they used to, gave them a sense of security about their future. They kept talking about it to the three adults. Anoushka had accomplished what she had set out to do.
If her friends and even Robert and Rosamond made it as easy as possible for her, Robert and Rosamond’s friends, people she had known for most of her married life, did not. Neighbours and their children, Robert’s colleagues, the children’s best friends and their parents, all found Anoushka an embarrassment, an intruder. They thought her appearance with her friends there to be in the worst of taste and that she should impinge on Robert and his new wife, vindictive. They were neither subtle nor kind about it. Only sensitivity to the boys’ feelings allowed them to be just civil to her.
Objects of Desire Page 26