I feel like I am.
She wanted to say that was nonsense, but he wouldnt believe her. Her brother hadnt. Once her husband had basically said the same thing after a severe seizure. Still, she went on, PTSD isnt who you are. That doesnt change, not the core essence of you. The same was true of Sam with his seizures. They were something he had to deal with, but they didnt make him who he was.
Jake studied her face. I appreciate what youre trying to do, but
She stopped his words with her fingertips pressed against his mouth. The physical contact with him captivated her, the softness of his lips in contrast with the days growth of beard on his chin. Her throat went dry. Her pulse accelerated.
Im only telling you the truth, she murmured, his head bending closer.
She wound her arms around him, wanting him even nearer. This was the first kiss shed shared with a man since her husband died, and it felt so right. A scary thought. What was she doing? She wasnt ready for any kind of relationship with a man when she was the reason her husband died.
She pulled back. I need to get Josh home. Its a school night. Sandy is bringing all the boys over tomorrow at four-thirty. Ill be here at five to help and then take them home later. She pushed to her feet, her legs shaking. Is that all right? If not, what sounds good to you? Her words flew out of her mouth so rapidly she could hardly follow herself.
All emotion fled his face as he rose and crossed to his back door, letting her go inside first. Whatever works for you all. Ill be here.
She blocked his way into the hallway. I wont ever tell Josh about your PTSD. If you want him to know, thatll have to come from you. In Joshs eyes his uncle Ben was the greatest before he was injured and still is now that he knows the problems Ben has.
How did you explain Shep?
He thinks Shep helps with your leg. I train all kinds of dogsservice, therapy, companions. If Im not needed at the animal hospital, Im working with a dog. Dr. Harris is one of the supporters of Caring Canines. She made her way to the living room, feeling the drill of Jakes look as she walked ahead of him.
Ready, Josh?
Her son nodded, whispered something to Shep and rose from the floor. I finished nailing that last piece of paneling. See ya tomorrow, Jake, Shep.
Thanks, kiddo, for helping me.
Josh grinned and waved goodbye then headed down the porch steps.
Emma hung back, wanting to explain why shed broken off the kiss. But the words wouldnt form in her mind. She couldnt tell him about her part in Sams death. Instead, she mumbled, Good night, then hurried after her son.
*
Jake watched Emma and Josh leave, replaying in his mind the sensation that had swirled through him when hed kissed her. Then the feeling of rejection when she had yanked back as though he was damaged goods. And he was. He wasnt whole, no matter how much she tried to reassure him he was, that his PTSD had nothing to do with his masculinity.
It wasnt true. It controlled his life. He sometimes felt like a prisoner.
Anger surged through him. He slammed his door so hard, the pictures on the walls in the foyer shook.
I want to be whole. I want my life back. Lord, help me.
Chapter Eight
Saturday afternoon Emma wrote a check to the hospital, draining the last of their funds for the month, but at this rate she would have it paid off by the end of the year. That would be a good feeling, and her next payday was in a few days.
Josh came into the living room, beaming. Mom, you shouldve seen us with Jake today. We were awesome. I learned two new moves.
Emma basked in the expression on her sons face. Since Jake had been working with Josh on his baseball skills and self-defense moves, shed seen more smiles and joy in his eyes. I was impressed when I saw you all on Thursday working with Jake.
He told us today you arent a snitch if you tell the authorities a crimes being committed. That we all need to stand up to someone whos doing something wrong. He told the guys about when he was bullied and what he learned from it.
What was that?
Letting the bullies get away with it only encourages them to do more.
True, but I dont want you starting any fights.
He doesnt believe in that, either. He says as a group we should stand strong.
She imagined if Ben were here he would be telling her son the same thing. She was glad Josh had Jake to turn to. Hes going to be here any minute. Are you ready to go to the ranch?
Joshs smile grew. Yeah. I get to show him the dogs at Caring Canines. Can I take Buttons? Jake said Shep was going with him.
Sure, but on a leash.
Josh whirled around and raced back to his room to get the leash then went to the backyard for his terrier.
Emma rose from the desk and rolled her head around, then stretched, trying to work the tightness out of her muscles. She hated balancing the checkbook, but at least it was done for the month. Now she intended to have a nice day at Winter Haven Ranch with Jake and Josh.
Glimpsing Jake pull into the driveway in a blue Ford Fusion made her heart seem to pause in her chest then begin pounding faster than normal. This was a first. He was driving her and Josh to the ranch. She knew he drove when he went to the doctor or a few other required places, but this trip was for fun. It was just an opportunity for Jake to get out more with Shep and spend some time with her and Josh.
Like a family popped into her mind, and she quickly brushed it aside. Jake was a client she was helping adjust to the service dog shed trained. But in her heart she knew Jake and Shep had bonded and didnt really need any help from her.
Josh, Jakes here. Lets go! she yelled and grabbed her purse.
Her son hurried from the back of the house with Buttons on a leash. Do you think hell mind her going?
The doorbell rang. Well ask him. Emma moved to open the door.
Seeing Jake standing on her porch rather than honking for them to come out sent her heart racing again. She imagined him in his dress uniform, and her legs went weak with the picture in her mind. He would have been impressive.
Hi, were ready, she said with a grin that matched his.
Good. Ive heard a lot about this place. Itll be nice to finally see it. Jake glanced at Josh. Do you want to take Buttons?
Can I?
Sure. Lets go. He stood to the side while Emma and Josh left their house, then he followed them to his car, opening the front passenger door for Emma. Josh, you can hop in with Shep in the back. I figure you can keep the dogs entertained. I hear youre good at working with them.
Josh blushed but drew himself up tall. I wanna train them like Mom.
When Emma settled herself in the car, she glanced back to make sure Josh sat between the two dogs. Shep was thoroughly trained, but Buttons had only started. She lay down and placed her head on Joshs lap as if staking her claim to him.
Josh was telling me the lesson this morning went well. I know the other parents are happy with what youre doing.
He glanced at her then backed out of her driveway. The boys are eager to learn. His gaze slid to her again, a gleam in his eyes. Ive been enjoying it.
Did you ever hear anything back from the police about your window?
They managed to pull a print off one of the smooth rocks, but nothing turned up in their database.
Thats because it was Liam, Josh said from the backseat.
What makes you think that? Jake stopped at a red light, his knuckles white as he gripped the steering wheel.
Because I heard him bragging about toilet-papering someones house where he used to live. He likes to do stuff like that, Josh answered.
Emma twisted toward her son. Thats not the same thing. I dont want you saying anything without proof.
Josh tilted up his
chin. It was him. I know it.
Emma chanced a look toward Jake, trying to read his expression. Tension poured off him, but she wasnt sure whether it was because they were talking about the other night or the fact he was driving. She shouldnt have brought it up.
Hed warned her that driving for him was hard. Did a piece of trash in the road hide a bomb? Would stopping at a light invite a snipers shot? He had to keep reassuring himself he was home and safe.
His chest rose as he dragged in a deep breath. Jake started across the intersection. Josh, Im pretty sure it was Liam or one of his friends, too. Since the police havent found them, theyll start to get reckless and mess up. Theyll be caught. Until then I wouldnt waste any energy thinking about it. I refuse to let someone like Liam ruin today.
Okay, Josh said. But when do ya think hell get caught?
In time. His tight grip on the steering wheel loosening some, Jake turned onto the highway that led out of town. So what are we going to do first?
Caring Canines, Emma and Josh said at the same time.
Not the horses? Ive heard that Dominic Winters is building up his herd.
When I go to the ranch, Madi and me like to ride. Once we went to the factory Dominic built on part of the ranch.
Emma frowned. You never told me. Thats pretty far from the barn.
We just went to the hill overlooking the factory. Chad went with us. I think Madi bugged him until he did.
Whos Chad? Jake drove through the gate to Winter Haven Ranch, the stiffness in his shoulders relaxing.
The foreman. Madi has him wrapped around her finger. He lets her do a lot of things. Joshs forehead creased. Maybe I should find out how from her.
Maybe I should say something to Abbey, Emma said with a chuckle.
Mom! You better not. Madi will get mad at me.
With laughter in his eyes, Jake looked at Emma. So how old is this Madi you keep talking about?
Ten. Shes not like most girls. Shes cool.
When Jake parked in front of the building that housed Caring Canines, Josh grabbed Buttons and scooted out of the back of the car.
He likes coming out here. Jake watched Josh hurrying into the building.
Yeah. Madi and Josh have grown closer since Abbey and I have been working together to get this place going. Dont tell my son, but Abbey says that Madi has a crush on him.
Probably a good idea. At that age, I didnt have any interest in girls.
She shifted toward him. So, Jake Tanner, when did you acquire an interest in the opposite sex?
Oh, about eighth grade when the most popular girl asked me to the dance at the end of the year. How about you? When did you become interested in boys?
Ah, I remember it as if it were yesterday. Keith Chambers moved to Tulsa, and the first day he walked into my sixth-grade class, I thought it was love at first sight. Sadly, he didnt. We did become friends by the end of the year.
See? Girls seem to be into that much earlier than boys.
Because we figure out way before you all that love makes the world go around.
His laughter filled the car. It wrapped around her as though his arms embraced her.
What a cliché.
But true. Im not just talking about a man and a woman. Im talking about friendship, family, the Lord. Love is what its all about. Even when I become attached to a pet, thats a form of love. I dont want to do anything halfheartedly.
So you either love something or someone or whathate? Isnt that the opposite of love?
I dont think there has to be an either/or. I look for ways to heighten my good feelings about somethingsomeone. Is that why my feelings for Jake are shifting?
He leaned toward her, hooking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, then cupping her face. His brown eyes delved deep into hers, assessing, probing for answers. Where do I stand with you? Her heartbeat picked up speed.
My grandma used to tell me that God is love and love is God. The rough pad of his thumb made circles on her cheek, sending chills through her.
She swallowed hard. Shes right. Marcella and your grandmother were good friends. I can remember when she died last year how heartbroken Marcella was.
I didnt get the news of her death until a week later. I was on assignment behind enemy lines. The first thing I did when I came here to live was go to her grave site and say goodbye. He glanced away. I fell apart when I saw it. She understood me and was always there to support my decisions. I refused to go to West Point the way my father, her son, wanted. My dad and I had a huge fight over it. That summer between high school and my first year in college I stayed with Grandma. My dad didnt speak to me for months. I wasnt sure if I wanted to go into the service. I was eighteen and needed more time to think about my future. In the end, after I completed my bachelors degree, I did sign up but my father was always disappointed I didnt go to West Point.
Im so sorry. I know its hard when parents have one vision for us and we have a different one. Mine didnt want me to quit college so I could work and put Sam through his last year. I dont regret doing that one bit, but they thought I was putting my dreams on hold. She covered his hand, and his look connected with hers. I love what Im doing, and I might never have stumbled across training dogs if it hadnt happened the way it did. Now my parents understand, especially when they see how Ben is with his service dog.
I wish I could say the general will understand one day. He wont. The army is his life, and he thinks one way or another it should be mine, even with this injury. His hand tensed under hers.
What are you doing about the medal they want to give you? Veterans Day is only a couple of weeks away.
I dont know if I can accept it. I…
Someone banged on the window next to Emma and she jumped, swiveling around to find Abbey and Josh standing next to the car. A lot of things can change by then. Give it some more time. I think were being summoned. She pointed her thumb at the two. Id like to introduce you to my best friend.
When she started to open the door, he grasped her hand and stopped her. Thank you. I appreciate what youve done for me.
I want more than gratitude. The words were on the tip of her tongue, and she swallowed them. Being friends was all that Jake could handle or want. She would have to settle for that, especially since she wasnt sure what she wanted anymore.
When she climbed from the Ford and Jake joined her, Emma made the introductions while Abbey and he shook hands. Then Josh grabbed him and tugged him toward Caring Canines.
Abbey gave a low whistle. Good thing I already found my man, or youd have competition.
For what? Were friends.
Girlfriend, what I saw on his face when I approached the car didnt look like friendship to me.
Emma blew a breath, lifting her bangs on her forehead. No, it was only gratitude. Nothing else. Then she walked after her son and Jake before her best friend had them engaged and the wedding planned.
*
Jake watched Madi and Josh racing toward the black barn with a bichon and terrier right beside them. Josh wasnt going full speed probably in order to allow Madi to keep up. All around Jake were green pastures, black fences and horses. He spied a foal next to its mother nursing in the paddock next to him. There was something about the scene that calmed him.
From what youve told me about Madi, shes doing remarkably well since the plane crash. Emma walked beside him, and Jake fought the urge to slip her hand in his. It would send the wrong message. All he could handle was the friendship she offered.
Her injuries involved both of her legs. She had to really work to get where she is today, but she was determined. I have been amazed, but then I think a lot of it had to do with Cottonball, Abbey and Dominic.
So that fluff ball of fur w
as her therapy dog?
Yeah, a stray Dr. Harris found. She hadnt been on her own long, thankfully. Madi fell in love with her and the rest is history.
I see a black Lab at the barn. I think there are as many dogs here at the ranch as horses.
Emma chuckled. Not quite but who knows in the future. Abbey has ambitious dreams about Caring Canines. She wants her dogs to help people not only around this area but all over the region.
A tall, dark-haired man came out to greet the children. Is that Chad, the foreman? Jake slowed his step, his leg aching from walking so much this afternoon, as well as the self-defense lesson in the morning. He wished hed brought his cane.
Thats Abbeys husband, Dominic. She told me hed meet us down here. She thought it would be fun for the kids to go riding.
And us?
Emma smiled. Yes, unless you want to stay back.
His expression brightened. I havent ridden since I was a teenager, but I used to love it when I went to my grandparents farm in Virginia.
Your mothers parents?
Yes, my moms father was an army man, too, but he was in only four years. Not like my dads family who all made long careers in the military.
Was your dads father a general, too?
Yes. Jake came to a stop.
Emma stepped in front of him, and her gaze drew his. You did your part for eight years. You did all you could. Youve done nothing wrong. Isnt the army wanting to give you one of its highest awards an indication of that fact?
Shep planted himself right next to Jake, his body pressing against him. Automatically, Jakes hand went to the top of Sheps head. His throat thickened. His eyes blurred when he peered into Emmas beautiful face. Why was I one of the soldiers to survive? I rarely leave my house. I… As usual, he couldnt completely express what he was wrestling with deep inside. Although it hurt his leg, Jake knelt to stroke Sheps back, relishing the calmness that washed over him when he did.
Emma stooped next to Jake, laying her hand on his arm. You arent the only one who feels guilty about surviving. Ben went through the same thing when the soldier he was with died. My husband should never have died. He shouldnt have been up on that ladder. He Emma clamped her lips together.
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