by Reif Larsen
“Whatever were they thinking?” Charlene could not help saying out loud.
Naked, T. K. had looked over at her and asked her what she meant by this and she said nothing, but she remembered feeling a kind of infinite sadness. To let a kid like him, a miracle like him, loose in the city? The city relished the chance to eat people like him for breakfast. In the end, of course, she was wrong: it was not him but her whom the city would devour, but she would not understand this until much later, when she was already safely in its belly.
She had first met T. K. at one of those sweaty, drug-heavy midnight Bleecker Street parties, where he had shown up with a fellow first-year med student, looking bewildered and comically out of place in an ill-fitting three-piece linen number, as if he were about to participate in a grade-school ballroom dance competition. She had laughed out loud when she saw him like this, and yet she had also fallen hard, very hard—she could not explain why. Encouraged by the lingering buzz of a Nembutal cocktail, she made a beeline across the room, greeting him with an overly familiar kiss and pulling him, despite his earnest protestations, into a round of astrological strip Ouija.
Things had slipped into place that night, as they sometimes do, and they had both surprised themselves by going back to her place and fucking with what she mistook for a mechanical midwestern urgency and with what he mistook for a groovy East Coast blasé. There had been an incredibly awkward moment when he, still naked, had fumbled for his linen trousers and then produced, unceremoniously, a roll of crumpled bills and offered them to her. She stared at him, bewildered, so offended and yet so moved by his innocence that she started to laugh and pushed the money back at him.
“It was a joke,” he said hastily, repocketing the bills, though the look in his eyes told her he had no idea what to think. They lay in bed afterwards, and he pointed to every bone in her body and named them for her—every bone, including all twenty-eight bones of the skull. Touching her own cranium with her fingertips, she marveled at the power of the naming: to conjure twenty-eight things when before there was only one.
For two weeks, T. K. occupied her every waking thought. Together they explored the city, laughing at the intricacies of urban density—the joy of a child leaping through an open fire hydrant, a ninety-year-old woman walking five shih tzus, an impromptu performance art–cum–Mod dance contest in the middle of Forty-second Street as taxicabs blared their horns—she seeing it all through his eyes for the first time. She wanted to protect him and she wanted to be ravaged by him. It was the closest thing she had felt to love. She shot up only twice during this time, and never in front of him. It felt like cheating.
Strangely, he refused to take her back to his apartment in Washington Heights. He claimed his place was too small.
“I don’t care,” she said. “I want to see where you live.”
“It’s not fit for someone like you,” he said and kissed her on the eyebrow, where she had a tiny scar from falling down the stairs as a child.
And then everything imploded, suddenly, as if it had always been meant to implode like this, as if time were only a prelude to all that which must come to an end. He met her outside her apartment one morning and said he could not see her anymore.
“Why?” she said, crying. She felt the panic rising in her chest. And she wanted to ask, “Is it because I’m white?” and she hated herself for wondering this and she hated herself for not asking it.
And he said, “I just need to concentrate more on school,” even though they both knew it was not true, and what was true would never—could never—be said.
Years later, she would see him again, after having spent many nights dreaming of his voice, his body, his laugh, after searching for him in the streets, at the parties, on the subways, in the parks, in the shadows of the skyscrapers that towered above her. He came calling on her in New Jersey, quite out of the blue—she couldn’t really make out how he had managed to track her down. She was already dating Kermin by then, but when T. K. showed up on her doorstep, it was as if no time had passed. They had sat for a coffee, and she had wanted to ask him a thousand questions—how he had managed, whether the world had defeated him or he had managed to defeat it—but they had not talked about these things or about anything else she could recall. Nor did she ever get to ask him what his initials stood for. Maybe they didn’t stand for anything. And then he was gone again, this time for good, and it was as if she had experienced a dream in which she dreamed of a dream she had had long ago.
And so, as she sat in the kitchen with the twins, she made a secret prayer to God or some vague stand-in for God that the father of her unborn child be T. K. and not Cal, the serial narcissist, or Hector, the Peruvian dealer who had shown her his gun and called her “mi pequeño coño.”
She considered keeping the child. Raising him alone. She really did. Particularly if it was T. K.’s—she could see herself devoting the rest of her life to raising his brilliant little son. Reading him Robert Louis Stevenson. Telling him about the father he never knew. But then she had a fever dream in which she was trapped in an infinitely long hall of white doors, all of them without doorknobs. Each door was unlocked, she knew, but she had no way of opening them. She woke up sweating, terrified. For the first time, the baby growing inside her felt foreign, thrust upon her by a guiltless world.
The next morning, she called the number the twins had written on the prescription bottle and then rode the subway up to Harlem to the fixer’s house. In the subway car, she found herself studying the faces of the weary black men, willing them to be T. K., willing them to come rescue her from what she was about to do.
The fixer’s name was Jarmal, and he was not charming in the least. He took her into his living room, where there was a yellowing dentist’s chair in the middle of a stained afghan rug. The room’s shelving was stuffed with collected Oriental tchotchkes that had been hastily covered in plastic sheeting, creating the impression of an impromptu crime scene.
“Take off your clothes and then take this,” he said, handing her a pill.
Afterwards, she was so groggy and in such excruciating pain that she forgot to ask if the fetus had been black, whether you could even tell that kind of thing before a baby was born.
She paid him $75 for his services. All things considered, this seemed like a fairly good deal until she developed an infection one week later that landed her in the St. Luke’s emergency room. It was the day before Thanksgiving. Her parents arrived, horrified at the doctor’s declaration that their oldest daughter had come within “two hours of dying,” whatever this meant. Vivienne even called her on the phone, her honeydew voice mimicking concern, with mixed results. Her sister was cursed with the unexamined libertarian ignorance that only the very privileged could espouse: she believed everything that happened to you, good or bad, was the result of your own choosing. The problem was that in Charlene’s case, this was most likely true.
Charlene refused her parents’ offer to help her recuperate in their soft Trenton lair and (this part was implied) to take stock of how far she had fallen with a Rutgers degree in hand. Wounded, they made sure she was going to live and then promptly cut off her allowance.
She convalesced back in her squalid little Hell’s Kitchen den, hardly leaving her bed for almost three weeks. Unexpectedly, Lila and Vespers displayed some real maternal behavior, checking in with her nightly and bringing her back sad little clumps of foraged groceries. They even chipped in to cover her rent that month. Charlene, feeling the full effects of her withdrawal, pleaded for opioids. To their credit, the twins refused. Charlene became manic. More than once, she seriously considered suicide. Her only solace was a stray cat that frequented their fire escape. She fed him butter pats and named him Bumble Bee—Bee for short. Bee had a gift for non-judgment.
She rediscovered her books. She read and reread A Tale of Two Cities and then devoured Anna Karenina three times through. The words suddenly all felt new,
as if they had been freshly planted on the page. She developed a pathological kinship for Anna’s character. Charlene was not deterred by her limited selection; rather, the repeated rhythms of the narratives beat back the wet terror festering inside her chest.
When she was well enough to leave the apartment, she made two decisions: (1) She would find a job, a real job, and (2) she would go clean. Her fortitude on item number 2 felt shaky, so she wrote her intentions for sobriety down onto a piece of monogrammed stationery that her parents had given her the previous Christmas. She initialed the page and then hid it beneath the floorboards of her room.
In fact, it was her fortitude on item number 1 that proved the problem. She was not good at finding a job. There was something liberating about being completely broke in New York. Or maybe she was just lazy. She began spending all of her waking hours at the Strand, reading entire novels as she stood next to the towering rows of shelving. What a strange population haunted those aisles: maharajas and heart surgeons, shell-shocked vets and Shakespeare scholars, hunchbacked pensioners and schizoid hoboes. Lured by literature or the promise of literature, they came and they usually stayed, and some of them slept and a few of them peed. She read the rest of Tolstoy, then Dostoyevsky, then Dickens, and when she tired of Dickens she turned to Woolf and then Melville. She read the Iliad. She read the new Vonnegut. She read The Crying of Lot 49 and afterwards was so overcome with what we are able to accomplish with the simple constellation of words that she walked right out of the store in a daze, forgetting that she was holding the book in her hands.
A hand grabbed her shoulder. She turned to find a cute, bespectacled young man doing his best impression of an angry manager. He demanded the book back, threatening some kind of intense police intervention. Realizing her folly, Charlene began to apologize profusely, though she also couldn’t help but be amused by this man’s clear dislocation from the outside world. He was a fish out of water; he belonged back among the books. Relieved, the man quickly dropped his austere routine, and soon they were both absorbed in a cyclical conversation about Pynchon, right there on the sidewalk amid the December rush of shoppers. The bookstore and the city and everything else fell away, and the universe contained only him and her and the delightful possibility of the Trystero all around them. She was not sure how much time had passed, but she surprised herself by asking him for a job. She was good, she said. She knew what the books needed.
The man’s name was Petar—it was spelled with an a, as she would later come to learn. Needless to say, she was hired. Needless to say, she also began sleeping with Petar. He was kind and gentle and terribly nerdy. Together they got matching tattoos of the Trystero post horn on their ankles. The relationship lasted just long enough to make her believe that she was capable of caring again.
The job itself was a revelation. She loved haunting the bookstore after hours, glimpsing the occasional spine of an old library copy, its Dewey Decimal numbers protected by a crumbling layer of Scotch tape. She began to memorize the index of Dewey Decimal subjects, pairing those numerals with its far-flung content:
813: American fiction
883: Classical Greek epic poetry and fiction
646.7: Personal grooming
179.7: Euthanasia
621.38416: Radio operations (ham)
The system was a salve against the chaos of life, and the disparate glimpses of its calculus made her miss the rigorous order of a true library, where each volume was slotted into place like a giant stopwatch of human knowledge. She realized she had been avoiding her calling. Books, the cataloging of books, that pursuit without end, was the only way to quell the panic.
She applied and was accepted into the master’s program in library science at Syracuse. The year was 1969. Back in her parents’ good graces, she borrowed their nearly expired woody, packed up everything she owned, which was not all that much, bade the melancholic twins, Bee, Petar, and the great city adieu, and headed north.
It was a tough time to be a librarian. It was never easy to be a keeper of books, but it was particularly tough during that turnover winter of ’69, a hinge point when the world rubbed its eyes and realized all was not as it seemed. Students were too busy protesting and talking about protesting to really read anything of substance, and libraries shifted from being quiet places of study to social justice performance spaces and raucous backdrops for self-important sit-ins. The books, poor things, suffered the brunt of this indignity. Various wet concoctions were thrown around in the stacks that should not have been thrown around in the stacks. The books were used as props, shelter, weapons. Precious manuscripts, seen as relics of the establishment, were soiled with palimpsestic hippie poetry and bodily fluids. Students stole everything by Nietzsche and Marx. The entire section on Zen Buddhism (294.3927) disappeared overnight. Charlene found herself shooing away half-naked couples smoking grass and/or fornicating in the stacks on a daily basis. Heavy times. Groovy times. Just not for a librarian. Charlene might’ve cared more about the whole movement if she hadn’t found it all so completely juvenile. She felt like an older sister watching her younger siblings tear apart the house while their parents were away.
There was a professor in her department, H. H., whom she greatly admired. He excelled at that high-wire act—unique to the professorial métier—of appearing both desperately out of fashion and yet also far ahead of his time. A wearer of herringbone tweeds, H. H. had a thick mass of brown hair that, despite vigorous morning placations with a comb, always seemed to untangle gravity’s spell by lunchtime. He was a true scientist of books, the only person she had met whom she could definitively call a genius. H. H. was working with a library in Ohio to develop a computerized system that would eventually replace the card catalog. He and Charlene got into endless arguments about this—she defending the sanctity of the cards and he dismissing them as already outdated, an anchor weighing down civilization’s eternal march forward.
“Paper will soon be a thing of the past,” he said. “It probably already is.”
“And so what of the library? Should we just burn down all of our cultural cathedrals?”
“The library is not a cultural cathedral. It is an outdated warehouse.” He put a hand on her shoulder. “Progress, my dear. It’s the only truth in life. There are some things that you just cannot fight, though I must admit, I find it quite charming when you do.”
When Houston Revere, a drawl-edged southerner in her program, asked her if she was sleeping with H. H. yet, she responded with a surprisingly venomous denial.
He held up his hands defensively. “I’ll take that as a yes,” he said.
On the one hand, it would’ve been so easy to slide down such a path. Her time in the city had left her with a sexual aptitude that she was not necessarily proud of. She knew that men found her particular mixture of melancholy and candor alluring, but every time she thought of H. H.’s hands upon her (and she would admit, she had thought of those hands, of running her own hands through that pritchkemp mane), she was filled with a sense of terror, of falling backwards into a lake with no bottom. This was familiar territory that she had sworn off for the abstinence of the bibliography. She did not want to turn back. His lingering gaze, despite the heat it elicited in her chest, felt like a force prying her fingers off the tiller.
And so she started sleeping with (it must be said, a somewhat surprised) Houston. True to his southern roots, Houston was polite and oddly balletic in bed, but altogether prosaic. When he came, he sounded like a seagull. It was just what she was looking for. She fought off all uncertainties with the banality of their lovemaking.
Then, in May, the shootings at Kent State popped the balloon of tension that had been steadily inflating that entire spring. Students all across the country recoiled at pictures of bodies lying facedown on the pavement like lonely, discarded mannequins. These pictures were pictures of them: they could’ve been lying on that pavement, with young runaways wailing above t
hem at the bewildered National Guardsmen: What have you done? What have you done? What have you done?
At Syracuse, the academic pursuit seemed wholly worthless in the face of such mortality, and so the remainder of that semester withered and died with barely a whimper. Exams were optional; students, unsure of what still lassoed them to campus, clustered around boys with guitars on the quad who tried to mimic Dylan’s whining pontifications. As she hurried past these sing-alongs en route to the Carnegie Library, Charlene silently tsked their laziness, their disheveled, E-minor self-importance. Where was Homer when you needed him? Mēnis—rage so pure it could be felt only by the gods:
Rage—Goddess, sing the rage of Peleus’ son Achilles,
murderous, doomed, that cost the Achaeans countless losses,
hurling down to the House of Death so many sturdy souls.
These boys with guitars wouldn’t know real rage if it clobbered them on the head. They had no idea. Achilles, who became so intoxicated with mēnis after the Trojans murdered his lover, Patroclus, that he killed everyone in sight, and when their bodies choked the waters, he fought the river god, too. Achilles, who finally tracked down Hector, his lover’s murderer, and threw a spear straight through his neck, tying him to his chariot and dragging him around Troy for nine days until the mass of flesh became unrecognizable as anything human. That was dedication. Not these slow-jam-acoustic-hashish-hippie symposia. This was the curse of the voracious reader, she realized. Real life never quite measured up to the heightened and precise contours of her literary worlds. A real war was never as true as a fictive one.