In My Veins

by Madden, C. A.

  I knew it. I could feel it. He was different.

  He seemed cold.

  He looked different too. His previously perfect dark hair is a disheveled jet black mess. It was scary but hot at the same time.

  He’s not even looking up at us. He’s playing with a lighter. Just turning it on and off staring at the flame. His eyes are blank with no emotion. But the glimpse that I could see I could see that it was back to its fiery red color.

  Once David closed the door James shut the lighter lid and looked up at us. Well me. He wouldn’t even look at David.

  James smiled, but it wasn’t the heart melting smile. It was cold and distant, “Hi baby…”

  His voice was different too. Just like everything else, it was the same…but different. It was almost cynical and low sounding.

  “Hi…” I replied nervously.

  I looked at David and his eyebrows were furrowed and he had taken one step ahead of me. Ironically I felt safer because of him.

  What am I saying? Why do I even need to feel safe? James is the love of my life not a monster. I’ve known him for over half a year…we practically lived together the past two months.

  “David… could you go get me a glass of water or something? I would like to be alone with Karina for a moment.” James said still not breaking the stare with me.

  “I’ll just tell Ellie to bring it…” David hesitated and looked at me but I couldn’t get my eyes off of James. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I wanted nothing more than to run into James’s arms but this wasn’t my James.

  “Please bro. Just ten minutes.” He said finally looking at him. I felt a chill go down my spine once he broke the staring.

  David sighed as he looked at me, “If you need me just call out for me. I’ll be able to hear you,” He hesitated leaving but he eventually did, closing the door behind him. But not all the way. It was still half an inch open. That added to some of my comfort.

  James snickered at the door and looked back at me again. He gracefully jumped off of his bed and started walking slowly to me. I felt my heart rate increasing… why do I feel scared of him? The way he was walking toward me was like a cat about to jump a mouse. No. Way scarier than a cat, a lion.

  I bumped into the wall trapping me between the wooden desk on my right and the door on my left. I didn’t even realizing I was walking away from him.

  Should I run away?

  No of course not. I love him and he loves me. He wouldn’t hurt me.

  He finally reached me and pulled me into a hug. He rested his head on my shoulder as he hugged me and I felt another chill go down my spine. His face is so close to my neck that I could feel him grinning.

  “I missed your scent…” he mumbled running his nose down to my collar bones. A chill went down my spine and goose bumps covered my skin, “But why are you scared? I wouldn’t hurt you.” He pulled back and smiled showing his fangs. He slowly started walking around me as if he looking for the best piece of meat. I felt like prey with Collin before, but this was much worse. I felt like I was in the lion’s den as a cat toy.

  The door opened with David pulling me away from his grip and shoved the glass of water at him. James looked at David’s grip on my arm and laughed. He went back to the corner of his bed and drank his water as he looked at me with hungry eyes.

  “That was definitely not ten minutes.” James said casually.

  “I think we should go…” David said making his grip on my arm tighter.

  “NO! She’s mine. I want to be with her, alone!” James practically growled making me jump.

  “I really don’t think---”

  “It’s okay. I want to be alone with him too…” I said cutting him off making them both look at me in shock. They both can sense and hear that I’m scared. I’m not even like them and I could see the difference in everything I was doing because of fear. But it’s just my body. Even though my body and brain are saying ‘run for your life’, I want to stay.

  David hesitated but eventually let go of my arm and slowly walked out of the room. “This is so stupid…” I mumbled while walking out of the room.

  James stayed where he was and stared at me. I took a deep breath and started walking towards him not taking my eyes off of his. I slowly slipped off my slippers and crawled on his bed surprising both of us.

  I crawled over to him in his little corner and cuddled in his arms. He hesitated at first but then held me. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest and run back home on its own.

  “You’re so scared.” He said as a fact.

  “I’m sorry…”

  “For being scared? It’s not your fault…”

  “No… for everything. I thought I could…”

  “It’s okay. I know you did it for me…” he said as he gently swirled his finger on my arm giving me goosebumps. He was talking like the James I knew. He didn’t sound like he was looking at me like pray.

  We stayed quiet for a moment as his hold on me got tighter. He twisted us so that he was on top of me. He was snarling at me, flashing his sharp fangs. “Still want me?”

  His grip was so tight that I couldn’t even think about anything else but his hands pressing my shoulders into his mattress, “James… you’re hurting me.”

  He groaned and buried his nose in the crook of my neck, “Do you still want me to make love to you? Because I’d be like this. I’d definitely not be able to handle myself now.”

  I bit my lip not wanting to say anything; he was just trying to scare me off. His hands squeezed me again and I was sure they were going to bruise and suddenly became loose.

  His body fell on top of mine and his face stayed near my neck. “Karina…I think we should break up.” he said against my skin. I felt my heart drop to my stomach.

  “What?” I asked pushing him away from me so I could look at him. Please tell me I heard you wrong.

  “I can’t do this…you deserve better than me. I’m a monster. There’s no hope of me ever being normal now. And I am struggling so much to control myself when you’re around. I can’t do this forever…”

  “James…no…” I struggled and grabbed his hand.

  “David!” he called out, I looked at the door and back to him, “Please James I don’t care what you are I love you….”

  “I love you too… which is why I have to let you go. I can’t trust myself around you.”

  “James…” I said trying not to cry. I felt someone’s hand on my arm. I looked back and saw David with his sad smile.

  “Please go… David said he’d stay with you till we figure out where Collin went and what he wanted.” He said as David pulled me off the bed away from him.

  I angrily slapped David’s arm away, “I don’t want David to protect me. I want to be with you James!”

  “We have to break up Karina…”

  “James!”

  “Karina! I swear if you’re around any longer I will want to hurt you and I will like it too much to stop. You need to go!” he growled showing the fangs to scare me again.

  Furiously I glared at him and turned around. I couldn’t see him like this. I had to go.

  “You’re lying. You wouldn’t hurt me.” I whispered knowing he could hear me as I marched out.

  He just wants me to leave. I’ll give him what he wants.

  Rushing past Ellie I heard David calling me and running after me.

  “David let her go… she’s hurt. She needs to be alone.” I heard Ellie say sympathetically to him. Too angry to even notice that she actually sounded sincere I rushed out of the house as fast as I could.

  Where do I even go?

  ***

  I knocked on Tiffany’s apartment door fully aware that I was crying my eyes out and probably looked like a wreck to her neighbors. She lives in a nice apartment building. Very city chic. But her neighbors don’t get the concept of privacy as they stay out most of the time in the apartment ‘yard’.

  She opened the door happily then her expression changed
upon seeing mine. “What’s wrong Kar!?”

  “James…” I sobbed.

  “Oh my God… come in!” She hugged me and pulled me inside her apartment to give me my medicine for bad days…tea.

  She poured me a big cub of my favorite tea in my favorite cup at her house, the turquoise one with polka dots. I sat on the couch and took her white sequined throw pillow and hugged it. A nervous habit I’ve had since high school.

  She sat across from me with her cup of tea and stared at me with a worried look, “What’s wrong? What happened with James? Did you two fight?”

  “Yeah… I don’t really want to talk about it though. I just needed a friend….” I said sadly.

  Tiffany chatted with me about the most random things attempting to get my mind off of James. But it wasn’t working. The smallest things would remind me of him and my lips would quiver from holding back more sobs.

  Tiffany’s phone started ringing. After she checked who the caller was, she looked at me and gave me a worried look.

  “Who is it?” I asked whispering as if they could hear me before she even picked up the phone.

  “Daniel…”

  “Go ahead, I’m going to head out now anyways…” to where I don’t know. I stood and proceeded to open the door.

  And it was already dark already. James would have been furious with me for being out at this hour alone.

  “James’s looking for Karina?” I heard her say out loud causing me to close the door again. I turned around and waved my hands to let her know to not say anything, “No sorry I don’t know where she is. Did he try her apartment? Oh he already went and she wasn’t there? No she wouldn’t be at her parent’s house. Maybe she went to a hotel. Oh…no…okay yeah I’ll let you know if she comes here…”

  After a moment she hung up, “James is looking for you. Apparently he’s been calling you.”

  I nodded and felt my jean pockets for the phone and got nothing. “I must have left it at James’s…”

  Why is he looking for me? I thought he wanted nothing to do with me…

  “Um… I’m going to go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Thanks for everything today.” I said and opened the door again. “And I’m sorry that you had to lie to Daniel.”

  “Kar, you’re my best friend. Are you sure you want to be alone? You should stay here…”

  “No. I’ll be okay…”

  Chapter Twenty

  I called for a cab and went back home. I was hungry but I didn’t feel like eating. I stared in my pantry and sighed. Only non-perishables since I wasn’t sure when I’d be back home.

  Instant Korean ramyun or Instant Japanese ramen were the only choices I had. Both mixed in with my cry fest would make my face bloated like a balloon in the morning. I closed the pantry and marched to my room.

  I changed into my comfy clothes, black lounge pants that belonged to James; he had left them here last time he was here, and a black cami. I laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling. One of the reasons why I agreed to this particular apartment building even though I had found a cheaper one at the time was the rooftop garden. Many nights I would go and lay on the bench staring at the smog covered stars and barely visible moon.

  I ran up the steps to the garden and took in the semi-fresh air. It was weird, but I loved the sound of nearby traffic. I loved the idea that people were out and about living their lives. Going to work. Losing work. Falling in and out of love. That was life.

  This was inevitable. The first man I fall for and I lose him. I should have known… no one ends up with the first person they love. I have to have my heart broken a couple hundred more times before fate decides it’s enough. I’ll go by the supermarket in the morning, buy enough ice cream to help me survive the week and give myself two more days of crying.

  I finally had calmed down and had my eyes closed taking in the scent of the rose bushes and the cool breeze when I felt someone sit by me. I quickly sat up and looked at the person in shock.

  James handed me a single rose and smiled sadly.

  “What are you doing here…?” I asked and quickly wiped my cheeks.

  “I missed you…” He said sincerely and waved the rose so I’d take it.

  I looked at him and felt my throat close up and my lips strain to quiver. I took the rose and told myself not to cry. I rarely cried but I have been a crying mess the past few hours.

  I couldn’t help myself. I practically pounced him as I sprang from my seat and hugged him throwing him back on the bench. He laughed and hugged me back.

  “I don’t want us to break up…” I said my voice muffled in his clothes.

  “I don’t either…” He said softly as he buried his nose in her hair. “You smell like roses…” he whispered, “You have no idea how hard this is for me. It’s an internal battle not biting you to get rid of my stupid craving.” I pulled away to look into his red eyes and frowned, “But you’re so worth the battle.”

  He pulled my chin up so I wouldn’t be able to move and he kissed me gently. I could feel that he was holding himself back not to lose control.

  The past twenty-four hours or so were horrible. James and I arguing about what to do. Me not listening and almost dying thanks to a monster that is apparently related to James. James almost dying but instead becoming cursed forever. Then he broke up with me.

  And now…it’s back to perfect. I looked up at him still in his embrace and analyzed his face as he looked at the stars. He’s still the same James. Just different hair and eye color. I mean… he’s sort of in the entertainment business so I guess he could get away with sunglasses in the building and at night.

  “What are you looking at…it’s making me nervous.” He said giving me a sad smile and making his reddish eyes sparkle.

  “You make the look hot.”

  He had a forced smile, “I’m sorry I ever asked you out… now you’re stuck with a monster.” he said sadly, “if you want to leave… I’m giving you this last chance. Tell me now… and I’ll never bother you again.”

  “And if I want to stay with you?”

  “You’re stuck with me forever.”

  “Forever huh?”

  “Yes.” He said and pulled me to his lap so that I was straddling him. He wrapped his arms around my waist as I looked at him in his eyes.

  “Be careful, forever sounds like a proposal.” I joked and kissed his cheek. He hugged me making me rest my head on his shoulder.

  “That’s exactly what it is if you agree…” he said with his deep voice.

  “Are you kidding James?” I said pulling myself back to look at him eye to eye again.

  “Are you kidding when you say you want to stay with me forever?”

  “No! I wouldn’t kid about that.” I said defensively making him laugh. The first real laugh I’ve seen from him in a long time.

  “Then no, I’m not either.... when David told me you were with Collin I knew what you were doing… My heart dropped to my stomach. You risked your life to break this stupid curse. I can’t see myself without you… and if something had happened to you---”

  “Then why did you send me away?”

  “I don’t want you stuck with a monster. Because Collin bit me…it caused the curse to be permanent. I can’t go out now…ever. Unless I have sunglasses and a beanie or something but I’d still get attention.”

  “Why won’t I turn if Collin's bite did that to you?”

  “That’s not how it works baby. You were never cursed, thank God. So it had no effect to you… except that horrible wound…” He frowned and touched the awful bandage David made me wear. He looked back at me and smiled, “So…what do you say? Will you marry me? Even though I’m this…”

  “I really wish you’d stop referring to yourself as a monster. You’re not a monster. You have a good heart. A monster is someone that is heartless, curse or not. You saved me James. He wasn’t going to stop…” I shuddered at the memory. “Of course I’ll marry you.” I smiled and kissed him to seal the deal.


  Suddenly James pulled back. I didn’t think much of it since he’s trying the whole ‘control so I won’t eat your blood’ thing but he started looking around like he heard something.

  I hate when he does this because it gives me a mini heart attack every time. I heard a low throaty growl escape him as he held me tighter against him. “What is it James?”

  He put his finger to his lips. I looked in the direction he was looking and saw the tall rose bushes move.

  Then I saw it, someone was coming out of the bushes. I felt James tensing up and holding me tighter and closer to him. I didn’t even realize he had made us stand up…and he’s carrying me again as if I weighed nothing.

  I looked back at the bushes and Collin came out and stood there.

  “What is he doing here?” he whispered to me. Pointless to even whisper since Collin most likely hears anyways.

  “Why the secrets? I’m here to make peace.” Collin said almost sarcastically.

  “Get the fuck out of here!” James growled. I looked up at him and his teeth were showing and looked sharper and scarier than seconds ago.

  “No need to get defensive. See...” He smiled to show his normal teeth. I looked at his eyes and they blue. Not the usual bright red I’m used to seeing him in. Maybe he’s telling the truth.

  But it doesn’t change the fact that he’s the reason why James is so miserable now. “Baby let’s just go inside…” I whispered in his ear, hopefully really really low enough that he Collin wouldn’t understand.

  “May I come too…? I want to talk to you both.” Collin asked.

  “You’re never coming anywhere near Karina again, you hear me? You’re lucky she’s here right now because if she wasn’t I’d---”

  “James…” I stopped him, I hate hearing him like that. It’s not him.

  “Sorry baby…” he smiled at me apologetically.

  “I’m really sorry…” Collin said and got on his knees surprising us both. James and I looked at each other with furrowed eyebrows mirroring each other. I tried to get out of his hold but he held on to me tighter and gave me a disapproving look.

  Collin had his head down, “I’m so sorry… I didn’t know this would happen to you James…” his voice quivered, “Well… I did know it was possible… I had heard of it. But I didn’t know it would actually happen. I wasn’t thinking… I just wanted more blood and you were in the way of Karina…”