He was idly running his fingers in my hair and stopped. I looked up at him and he too was looking at the family and frowned.
“You okay?” I asked reaching up to move his hair away from his eyes. He looked down at me and had a guilty expression, “Are you sure you won’t regret being with me?”
“Um…” I tried to think of a way to say it to finally get him to understand I wouldn’t regret it.
He looked at me with more guilt. “Are you already regretting it?”
“What? No! I do not and will not regret being with you. I just don’t know how to explain it to you to get you to realize it. I know what you are and I know what our lives will be like. I refuse to be without you.”
He smiled and pulled me impossibly closer. “I’ll try to find something I promise.”
“Even if you don’t. I really like it. The teeth are kind of hot. I’ve always had a secret fantasy about vampires.” I whispered making him smile before I pressed my lips to his.
Back in the States we decided to not let anyone know we were back. We were still in vacation, just in a familiar home. We bought some a lot of groceries to make food. I realized James was extra carnivor-ish so I bought extra meat and tried to find some extra meaty recipes.
I was making a roast our first night. James was keeping his distance from me because he was hungry. He won’t admit it but I know. He’s even doing a puzzle to keep his mind off of me. I’ve never seen him do a puzzle or even mention that he does them.
I sighed. I really need to do some research while we’re in hiding. I don’t mind that he’s the way he is, but I hate that he sees himself as a monster and danger to me.
Deep in thought while cutting the carrots my knife slipped and I cut my finger. Remembering the rose incident I rushed to the sink but was slammed against the wall before I could reach it.
His hands were gripping my arms pinning me to the wall. I’m definitely getting a bruise. He was growling and staring at me. His eyes were red. Blood red. He had his teeth showing and they looked sharper and scarier than ever.
My heart was racing making it worse.
He buried his face in my neck and I felt the warm breath and sharp tip of his teeth graze my skin.
“Ja… James…” I said as calmly as possible. I tried to lift my arms to sooth him out of whatever he was in but his grip became tighter and growls got even more aggressive.
“James!” I yelled.
He brought his face back up and glared at me. I stared into his eyes. “James… please don’t do this.”
He snarled at me and I my knees were starting to get weak, “James…please.”
He stopped growling but still got closer. His grip was still tight, tight enough to bruise, but not as tight as before. He brought his face to my neck again and I felt his warm breath again. Is this going to be how it ends?
His grip suddenly loose, he wrapped his arms around me. “I’m so sorry…” he kept repeating. I felt warmth on my neck again but this time it was wet. He was crying…
Still scared I wasn’t sure what to do. I took a deep breath and forcefully brought up my arms to comfort him.
That was so close…
Chapter Twenty-Two
We stayed like that for what felt like hours. We somehow ended up on the floor. He was still holding onto me with my back against the wall and his face buried into my neck. My left shoulder is now damp from his tears, which in turn is making me want to cry. I hate that he’s in so much pain and there is nothing I could do.
Although I’m getting a little uncomfortable and hot from the attachment I don’t want him to let go. He needs this, I can feel it. I needed it too. So I rubbed his back with my hands trying to comfort him.
“I’m so sorry…” he continued to mumble occasionally.
“It’s okay… I’m fine…you’re fine.” I whispered.
“I attacked you…I actually attacked you.” He shook his head, “I’m so sorry… please don’t leave me…” he said squeezing me tighter.
“I’m not going anywhere…”
Am I stupid for staying? He just attacked me and he’s not even denying it. “You should run away.”
“I’m stuck to you.” I said.
“No offense…but you’re stupid for staying.” He laughed bitterly.
“That’s what love does...” I didn’t deny it.
“I’m so sorry…” he mumbled again. I sighed glancing at the slide door to the balcony. It’s already night. We have been like this for hours. That means the meat’s been sitting out for hours…that’s not edible anymore. He needs to eat or else his control would be worse.
“It’s okay baby…” I tried pulling him away but his embrace got even tighter, “James, you need to eat something. Let’s order some Chinese or something and we can go to sleep…” I said softly.
“No…if I let go you’re going to run away…”
“I’m not going anywhere…” I said now running my fingers through his hair. He pulled back to look at me, his eyes still red but they didn’t look scary.
“Promise?” he said almost childlike.
“Yes. I promise. You’re stuck with me.” I smiled but he still looked worried. “At the moment you’re literally stuck with me.” I laughed making the side of his lips go up a little as he loosened his grip and finally let go. Still sitting in front of me, so it would still be impossible for me to run away.
I smiled and pointed to the counter behind him with the phone. He looked and reached to get it. He called the order himself, ordering everything with extra meat.
He put the phone down and stared at me again. I started feeling trapped being against the wall. “Can we at least go sit on the couch…the floors getting uncomfortable?”
He remained quiet and before he lifted me up effortlessly and walked us to the couch. He sat next to me and held my hand quietly.
“James… I promise you I’m not going anywhere you don’t have to act like this.” I said holding his hand up.
He had a painful expression and he glanced at my hand in my lap. I looked at it and saw the bloody finger. It was dry but I’m sure with his sharp sense of smell, he could probably smell the blood. What did he say? Blood is like bacon or was it cupcakes? And I can smell bacon or cupcakes hours after it’s done cooking.
I tried to discreetly slip my hand in-between my side and the side of the couch. He still won’t talk which is making me feel uneasy. Why isn’t he talking? I glanced at him; he was now looking out the balcony window. Almost as if he sensed me looking at him he locked his eyes with mine. His eyes were sweet looking again, but they were still bright red. He’s definitely struggling to not bite my neck off at the moment…but I’m not scared. If he were to bite my neck off I would be gone I wouldn’t even know it…but he’d feel horrible about it.
I felt a chill run down my spine just picturing how different it could have gone if he didn’t stop. How would he explain my disappearance? He would be in a lot of trouble…and they’d see what he was like revealing to the world the curse. Would his family get in trouble too?
The doorbell rang and we both jumped up. He looked at me and tensed. I immediately knew what he meant. I buried myself deeper into the comfortable hotel couch and smiled at him.
It was just the food we had ordered. After he ate he was back to normal. Well… as normal as he has been since the permanent vamp state. I kept myself close to him so that he could know that I wasn’t going anywhere. Even though, admittedly, the nervousness was still in the back of my head since the second attack.
We turned on the TV and watched some random family comedy. I wanted that. I never wanted it so much before. And the thought of James never wanting a family because he’d be too afraid of having a son like him breaks my heart. For the both of us.
Like most girls I always played house with a doll but never thought much of it till James. I always thought I wouldn’t want it. Always kept myself busy with school and most recently work. Pushing the fear of relationships to
the surface so that I wouldn’t have to risk getting hurt. But I know James would never hurt me. At least not like that.
“I want a family…” I said before I could stop myself.
He noticeably tensed. I looked up at him and he avoided all eye contact.
She got out of my embrace to look at me in the eyes, “James… I know you’ve been avoiding this subject.”
“I don’t know…”
“If we do get married. I want to have your children…”
He remained quiet. Neither for or against it. I felt my heart squeeze and I started thinking that I might have crossed our awkward line and I wanted to sink into the sofa cushions.
He smiled and ran his fingers in my hair, “Baby… I’m…” he looked around and I looked at him hopeful for any answer, “I’m getting kind of sleepy, are ready for bed?”
I sighed, disappointed. I nodded and stood up so we could get ready for sleep.
That night he held me extra tight as we slept. I always fell asleep before him since he would wait for my breathing to even out before he even attempted to sleep. I tried to fake my sleep so that I could do some thinking but failed miserably.
I woke up again and looked around the room as well as I could without moving. It was hot. The curtains blew in gracefully showing that it was windy outside. Or at least there was a light breeze. But it was still a hot night. And having James holding me, my skin against his, wasn’t exactly helping.
It was still dark and the only light was the glow of the moon and city lights.
But why did I wake? Something woke me up from my slumber. I wasn’t a heavy sleeper, but I wasn’t a light sleeper either.
As if to answer me, I heard a whimper and James squeezed me tighter. James mumbled something I couldn’t understand and whimpered again. I brought my chin up so I could glance at his face instead of being smashed into his chest and saw that his brows were furrowed and his eyes squeezed shut. He looked like he was in pain. Do vampires have nightmares?
He mumbled something again, I think it was ‘no’ and ‘don’t go’ which broke my heart. I attempted to free one of my arms that were wrapped around him so I could touch his face. But that only caused him to squeeze me tighter.
“James wake up…” I whispered knowing that was loud enough for him.
He stopped whimpering but his brows were still furrowed.
“James, baby…you’re dreaming wake up.” Finally letting my hand free, I ran my fingers through his hair. He snapped his eyes open and looked around the room. He looked back down to me and hugged me impossibly tighter. He brought me up to eye level with him and kissed me all over my face. “I thought you were gone …” he mumbled and hugged me again. He was shaking. Terrified.
“I’m not going anywhere…” I mumbled softly before pressing my lips to his softly. We couldn’t sleep but we stayed in bed as he held onto me tightly. He stayed quiet, but something was definitely going on in his mind. The sunrise eventually glowed into our room. We stayed in bed. Both of us refusing to move.
Deciding to break the silence I glanced up at him and saw that he had his eyes frozen at the wall. “What were you dreaming of?” I asked already knowing part of the answer.
He sighed, “You.”
“I give you nightmares?” I arched my brow, a silent dare for him to say I did.
He smiled, “No. But in my nightmares, you’re always leaving me. You always end up calling me a monster and leaving.”
I sighed this time and sat up straight to be closer to his face, “well, there is no famous saying that says nightmares come true. I’m not going anywhere. We just have to take this one step at a time, une etape à la fois.”
He looked at me wide eyed, “Since when did you know French?”
“I don’t… I just heard it on the movie in the plane while you were sleeping.” I laughed.
“I like it.” He smiled and kissed the top of my head. He kept his lips there. I felt him smell my hair, “It’s so hard for me…to control myself. Are you sure you feel safe around me?”
“I only feel safe around you.” I said pulling myself away and realizing he hasn’t truly kissed me since the incident. Not being able to resist his perfect lips I quickly gave him a chaste one and pulled back to look at his surprised expression making me smile. He pushed me down and kissed me back, but finally the passionate one I was craving.
One of his hands ran down my side to my waist and I ran my hands down his back to his hard chest feeling the ridges of his abs and the V around men’s hips I’ve always found hot. He groaned and pulled away as quick as he had pushed me down on the mattress. I sighed and wrapped my arms around his neck pulling him back to my lips.
Before I knew it he was moving lower to my jaw then to my neck. I started feeling a little nervous especially when I felt the soft prick of his teeth. We both froze and the prick turned into a kiss. “I almost lost it again…” he mumbled, “you’re making this so hard…” he said and laughed.
He pulled back to look at me in the eyes, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay… I think we should get up anyways…”
The week went by the same. We relaxed on the rooftop garden together. I read magazines and he did some work from home. We didn’t do any emailing or phone calls since we were technically still supposed to be in Europe.
Sighing I looked at the magazine in my hands. Socialite reality star with her new born baby…her second. Singer with her two year old at the beach. Another actress with her five kids and expecting another. Seriously is everyone having babies? Why is it the moment I start thinking about possibly wanting this in the future, it becomes something that he doesn’t want? He totally changed the subject when I brought it up in Paris…and I was not going to bring it up again.
I quickly flipped the page to a fashion ad and felt like I was being stared at. I looked at James and he was looking at me with a sad expression.
He took my hand, “You okay?”
“Yeah I’m fine.” I lied and forced myself to smile.
“You’re lying. I can…feel that you’re sad.” he said looking at me. “Is it about…kids?” I didn’t answer, I just shrugged. He sighed and leaned closer so we could talk more privately even though there was no one else on the rooftop, “I do want…them. Especially with you. It’s just… it scares me. The possibility of having a son…someone else that will have to go through what I am going through. It will feel like I’m the one that cursed him… if I can even still have kids.”
“What do you mean?”
“Look at me… I’m a monster. I’m not normal. I don’t know if it’s possible that I could be with you still without draining you…” he said.
“But… you were born… your father had the curse, your father’s father…”
“They weren’t stuck with it though… they broke the curse before they got married and had the kids.” he said looking at me. He cupped my cheek and examined my face, “I know you’re disappointed… there’s nothing more I would want than to start a family with you. But I can’t take the risk… I won’t risk your life for that. I’m already being selfish as it is making you stay with me.”
“You’re not making me stay---”
“I’m being selfish by not pushing you away.” He cut me off, “Unless we find something, I’m stuck like this forever. Who knows what would happen if I really could have kids. What if the baby hurt you, or I hurt you, or complications… I just can’t risk it.” he explained. Not knowing what to say I nodded and tried to smile. Probably failing miserably and just looking ridiculous.
I groaned and sat back in the bench facing forward. “I’m sorry baby. I can’t give you anything but this mess.”
“As long as you are with me…that’s all I need.” I said resting my head on his shoulder and suddenly feeling exhausted.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The next few weeks were quiet. James worked from his home studio and went to rarely went to work. I guess producers are known for being quiet,
so him not talking wasn’t a huge deal but he says he can’t hide it for long.
I went back to work too and got in touch with the makeup company that wants to us to do their ads. I finalized my report and smiled that I got everything done as walked to Mr. Yang’s office. I walked past Jennifer who has continued to show up and glare at me but there is no sign of Collin. Apparently she spent all her time trying to get rid of me that she couldn’t make the company she was doing ads for happy.
I knocked on Mr. Yang’s open door and waited for him to say I could come in.
I opened the door and smiled at him with the files in hand. “The finalized plan is ready.”
“Wonderful come have a seat.” He said pointing to the chair across from his desk. I handed him the file and sat on the comfy looking, but not so comfortable when sitting, office chair. I did a quick glance around his office and noticed the framed picture of his kids on vacation on the desk and smiled, who would have thought the scary but nice boss was a happy father.
“Well Karina. What can I say? Hiring you was a risk since you were fresh out of college with no real experience…but I’m glad I took it. You have shown that you are a hard worker and I can only see you going up as a marketer.”
“Thank you sir.” If it was socially acceptable I would have been screaming from happiness.
“Although this particular project had to do with advertising I’ve noticed your knack for leadership. As you know our actual company is owned by Dash and Watson, they’ve seen some of your ideas and work and they’d like you do be an assistant.”
“Dash and Watson? As in the owners of the building…” I asked pointing to the ceiling.
He nodded getting some papers out of his desk, “Have a look at the offer and let me know what you think. I’d be sad to lose you here, but this is really good for you. Plus, you’d still be in the building so hopefully I’d be able to steal you over for some help some day.” he laughed.
In My Veins Page 19