by Ariella Papa
“I’m glad you like it, it’s from all of us and Santa.” My dad encourages this Santa thing, too. I think it’s so he can eat the extra cookies off Santa’s plate.
“It’ll help with your writing.” I can’t believe my parents know me so well, what I want and need and support me in what I want to do. “I just hope it won’t get stolen out of your apartment.”
I can’t even get annoyed about that. I just hug all around and say, “This is the best Christmas ever.” My sister hands me another wrapped box. “This is so you won’t become a slave to the computer age. Don’t forget that pens exist.” It’s this amazing journal and two really nice pens. There’s a card inside that says, “So you can capture all your thoughts.”
“Thanks, Monica.” We women sit basking in gift glow and my dad goes to get more coffee. He answers the phone and it’s for me. We never get calls so early on Christmas morning, but I figure it’s Roseanne.
“Merry Christmas,” says the warm male voice on the line.
“Rob?” I can’t believe it.
“How’s it going, Ms. Vitali? Was Santa good to you?”
“Yeah, great, I got a computer. Oh, and a little elf brought me some flowers on Friday. Thank you.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry I couldn’t call, Eve, I wanted to.”
“That’s okay, God, it must be what, 7:30 there, why are you up so early?”
“I went for a run. This is the first free time I’ve had since I got here. The weather’s great, but I could go for some snow.”
“Yeah, me, too. I love white Christmases. When are you coming back?”
“Not until the third. Listen, can we have dinner when I get back?”
“Of course.” My mother comes into the kitchen and I can tell she’s eavesdropping. I ignore her. “Your friends in high places must have worked real hard on this one.”
“No, your parents are listed, you told me Oradell.” Oh, right.
“Well, I should go, my relatives are coming over.” My mother has decided now would be the best time to refill the sugar bowl.
“Well, have a great day and I’ll call you when I get back.”
I try to escape the kitchen right after I hang up, but it doesn’t work. My mother asks me if I need more coffee, which means she is able to get me into a conversation with her. “Who was that boy?”
“Just someone from work.” He is so not a boy.
“On Christmas.” I give my mother a kiss and thank her for the computer again. I can tell she is not happy to let the boy subject drop. Any minute now she might tell me that I shouldn’t give in to boys, I should be creative.
When I get back to my apartment Roseanne is already there. My dad is with me, so that he can set up my computer. As soon as she sees my father, Roseanne starts apologizing for not having made anything. It takes us about two hours to set the thing up. Surprisingly, my dad knows a lot more about computers than I do. I offer him a beer and we sit on my bed, as he shows me all the functions that the sales guy told him about in Computer World. It’s kind of cool to see my dad so animated about something.
“Hey, Daddy, maybe you should get a computer.”
“Yeah, we don’t really have the money right now.”
“Can’t you write it off as a business expense?” My father gives me one of those looks he reserves for the times I bring up matters that he thinks are specifically adult, like rent, bills, taxes. He nods at me.
“Maybe, I could do that.”
“Hey, do you want me to order pizza?”
“Thanks, kid, but I should go back for your mother.” Chuck, Monica’s new boyfriend, is arriving tomorrow night. “I can give you some money, though, if you’re hungry.” He fishes into his wallet for a ten.
“Dad, I really…okay.” I take the ten, not because I need it, but because it’s my dad and I think he would like to think that I could still use some cash every now and then. I walk him downstairs. “Get home safe.”
“Yeah, you, too. Listen, kid, your mom and I are very proud of you. Don’t be afraid to ask us if you need help. We know you can take care of yourself, but we like to help you.” He pats me on the head.
“Thank you, Daddy.”
I bring back one cheese slice and two cheeseless mushroom slices to share with Roseanne. “How was home?” I plop down beside her on the couch.
“Well, I think my mom is a little bitter at me for leaving. She’s dating some asshole and she was kind of pissy. Christmas was just okay.”
“Yeah, you seemed a little bummed yesterday on the phone. I’m sorry. Did you see your dad?”
“Well, we spent Christmas Eve together. He tries so hard, my dad, but I just can’t help wondering how two people could’ve screwed up their lives so much. Still all they do is complain about each other. I don’t know. I guess it’s nice to feel removed from that, but at the same time I feel guilty about not being there.” We chew on our pizza for a while. “That’s a nice computer. Are you going to be hooked up?”
“Yep, we can check out tons of porn.”
“Can’t wait, let’s have a New Year’s party.” We agree that this is the thing to do. Everyone is always searching for the perfect New Year’s Eve plan and scrambling at the last minute. This way at least we’ll know what we’re doing. Roseanne is already thinking of appetizers.
The three days at work are slower than usual if you can believe that. Everyone is on vacation. I spend the time surfing the Net, checking out the after Christmas sales and calling people for the party. Somehow my sister manages to squirm herself onto the list with Chuck, as does Tabitha’s friend, Nicole, who will only go under the stipulation that she has nothing better to do. When I call Pete, he mentions that Todd is going to be in town and they will probably come. It’s so hard to actually have a conversation with Pete, you always think he is bored to tears.
Monica brings Chuck to the office. He is really excited about our party. Too excited. Right away, he acts like I’ve known him all my life. Monica beams about this. He also carries a guitar case. Neither he nor Monica gets it when I ask him if he’s going to play on the subway.
“So, Eve, can we stay at your place tonight?” It’s not easy for my bohemian sister to swallow her pride and admit she needs me to escape from our Italian Catholic household, but it seems easy for Chuck.
“Yeah, your sister and I aren’t used to chaperones.” Eww! Of course, he has to take it to the next level by rubbing my sister perversely and saying, “Or sleeping apart.” Yuck! I can’t believe my poor parents have to be subjected to this.
“No problem!” I guess this means I’ll be hitting the couch tonight. I hope I can scrounge up an extra pair of sheets when they leave. I’m trying. Really. I give them five “bang for the buck” vegetarian restaurants straight out of Zagat’s. Testament to what a good sister I can be.
We spend the entire day of the party cleaning. Roseanne has written herself a schedule for all the tasty treats that keep popping out of the oven. I run up and slip notes under the doors of our neighbors. We’ve invited maybe twelve people and told them they could bring whoever, but we don’t want to make waves with the neighbors.
At around nine Pete and Todd show up. We freeze in horror when the bell rings. I have just gotten out of the shower and Roseanne still has to dry her hair. She begs me to let them in and entertain them while she gets ready (she is still holding out for Pete, I think, hoping she might ring in the New Year with him).
I am still in a pair of sweats and a T-shirt, but I’ve got no one to impress. I haven’t seen Todd in forever, but he doesn’t seem to notice my outfit. If there’s one thing I can count on, it’s that Todd will find me attractive. I make the guys drinks and we sit around the living room listening to Todd tell us about his travels all over Asia. He inspects clothing factories and tells them exactly how to set up. It’s great to have him around to entertain Pete because I certainly can’t. Todd picks up a picture of Roseanne, Adrian and me and says, “Who is this stud?”
“Adrian. He’s gay.” I p
urposely mention this so Pete will know Roseanne is not into him.
“He’s not gay,” Todd says, shaking his head like an idiot.
“What do you mean?”
“You believed that hype? Gay men—so safe.” He starts talking in a high-pitched voice that’s supposed to be me. “Let’s move to Chelsea, Roseanne, it must be safe. Let’s walk around in our underwear—they’re gay, they don’t care—actually we can walk around naked, it doesn’t matter—they’re gay.” He gets off the couch and does an imitation of the seductive walk I would do and the “gay” men’s reaction.
“You’re ridiculous, I don’t talk like that or walk like that.”
“Of course not, not in front of me anyway, because I never said I was ‘gay.”’ He points to the picture. “But this guy, oh, my God, of course you can sleep next to me in my bed—you’re gay. Want to have sex with me? It won’t matter. Sure you’re gay. That’s the secret to New York. The New York Myth, that’s what I call it.”
“You’ve given this a lot of thought. The Myth of the Gay Man. Thank God you’re here to shatter it.”
“Yeah, Pete, think of all the hot chicks we could get if we were just gay?”
“We could still watch lots of sports and drink beer,” says Pete, for once funny.
“Maybe you should try it tonight,” says Roseanne, who is looking good in a pair of remarkably trendy and tasteful pants and the shirt I gave her. She emerges with the spinach dip. I take a heap of spinach dip and duck into my room for my transformation. I throw on Tabitha’s black BCBG dress that I wore to the Fashion Awards. No one has seen it yet. It might be a little much for a house party, but, it is after all New Year’s Eve. I feel like a little flash tonight. When I reemerge Adam and Joe are there. We all kiss hello. Todd is staring at me. He looks embarrassed and gives me a goofy grin.
I bring out some more of Roseanne’s appetizers and she sets up the chocolate fondue on the coffee table. Adrian and Anthony show up with some of Adrian’s friends. Adrian immediately decides he is in control of the stereo—it’s basically Marvin Gaye and Motown dance classics for the rest of the night (he brought his own CDs). There is barely any room in our kitchen for more alcohol. As I walk back in I notice that, with the exception of my co-hostess, there are only guys in our apartment.
“I never thought those two would show up,” Roseanne whispers to me about guys from her job.
“Ro, we are the only women here.” I grab a strawberry and dip into the fondue.
“That’s okay, we should enjoy it while we’ve got the advantage. Even though some of the better ones are gay.” Not according to Todd, an open heterosexual, who keeps ogling me. Every time I start to talk to someone, I notice someone else with an empty glass, so I run over to fill it. We have to keep freshening up the snacks. Anthony’s friend, Kristen, comes over with three other females. Monica and Chuck show up, looking like they’ve just come back from following the Grateful Dead. He’s got his guitar case. Mother of God!
By 11:00, the place is packed. We’ve developed a method of signing to each other when we need more stuff. I have not had time to realize that I’m getting drunk, but I do notice Todd talking to one of Kristen’s perky blond friends. Whatever.
There are at least thirty people here. I’m noticing chocolate fondue and smashed strawberries on our hardwood floors, but I can’t worry about it now. In addition to his CD collection, Adrian brought over a crazy colorful disco light. He shuts off all the lights and gets the music grooving. The place feels almost like a club and some people are starting to dance. Shit! It’s getting loud. I sincerely hope our neighbors are away. We see them so rarely, we have no idea what their stories are. I look over at Roseanne, who has her hand on Pete’s arm. He doesn’t mind. Todd is still talking to the Stepford Girl. I hate her and her tiny tummy. Adrian gives me a big kiss.
“Great party. We’re really turning the place out. I wanted to talk to you sooner and get the lowdown on that delectable guy you snagged at the Christmas party, but I myself have been wrapped in a lover’s embrace.”
“So, it’s serious?”
“Who knows? All I know is that neither one of us has had time to see anyone else, because we’ve been together 24/7. We even spent Christmas together. I might be rushing it, but it’s fun. Any chance of the big King man showing?”
“He’s in L.A. I know, very bicoastal. Do me a favor and give me a kiss when the clock strikes 12? After you kiss Anthony, of course.”
“Oh, Eve, look at all these men. They’re going to be lining up to kiss you.” The doorbell rings again. I’ve given up trying to figure out who it is so I buzz them in. It’s ten minutes to the New Year. I see Roseanne’s expression and for a moment think there is probably a psycho killer behind me. I hear Adrian make a high-pitched squeal. I turn around, expecting the worst, but it’s Tabitha, looking coifed and dolled up. Her very presence makes the night seem like it’s going to be okay.
“What are you doing here?” I don’t really care what the circumstances are. She just rolls her eyes and shakes her head.
“It didn’t work out. C’est la vie. At least I was able to exchange my ticket and come home as soon as possible. I could not have taken another moment of smelly Paris and dog shit all over the streets. It was gross!”
“Well,” I say, happier to see her than I have ever been, “you are doing it!”
“It’s two minutes!” We all huddle around my shitty TV. Someone else shouts that we should get a new tube and Tabitha, back in effect, says, “Enough!” which shuts everyone up. I look around and I begin to feel drunk, not just from whatever drinks I’ve been pouring myself, but also from all the anticipation in the room.
We watch the ball drop. It’s happening twenty blocks uptown, right outside Prescott Nelson Inc. And then it’s a new year and even though we don’t have noisemakers everyone is cheering and kissing. Tabitha and I hug and we grab Roseanne, after she finishes her tongue kiss with Pete (we’ll get to that later) and the three of us sway a little, psyched that we’re here. I make the rounds kissing everyone. I turn my face away from Adam, who looks like he is going for more than a peck. All of the sudden I have to pee and now is probably the best time. Todd comes out of the bathroom.
“Hey,” he says.
“Happy New Year.” I’ve seen Todd drunk many times. I can tell he is now. His face turns serious.
“Already? Shit!”
“You look like you found a friend.”
“Huh? Oh, yeah, she’s okay.”
“C’mon, she’s cute.” His lack of interest gives me the okay to push this girl on him. “You could have kissed her when the ball dropped.”
“I could have—” he grins “—but I guess ‘I dropped the ball.”’
“Oh, I’m sorry you missed the countdown. Here hold on.” I push him into the bathroom and close the door. What am I doing?
“What are you—? My watch.” I take Todd’s wrist and stare at his watch.
“Okay, get ready for our own little countdown. Ten, nine, eight—” he is leaning very close to my hair, I’m trying not to look up at him in the mirror. “Seven, six, five—” he starts breathing heavier. Boy, he smells good. “Four, three, two—”
“One. Happy New Year,” he whispers, and he grabs my chin and kisses me softly on the lips and I want more, but when I open my eyes he is just holding my face and staring at me. My hands are on his sides. He feels more muscular than I would have ever thought.
“Wow. Happy New Year.” He is still holding my face. I want to kiss him again. Wait! He’s Todd. I grab his hand. “Um, I have to pee.”
“Oh, okay.” And he’s back to being Todd, and I’m not quite sure what just happened. He opens the door and Adrian is standing here. He raises his eyebrow at me. He thinks I’ve made good on his boy-kissing prophecy.
“See what I mean, Eve? Is the bathroom suitable for use?”
“I just have to pee.”
“Oh, I bet.” Adrian is cocked. He gives Todd a once-over. �
��Nice ass.”
“Hey,” says Todd, “I know your secret, it’s not going to work with her.” I can’t stop laughing even as I pee. I’m still grinning when I leave the bathroom.
“Was he that good?”
“No, Adrian, get your mind out of the gutter. If you’re lucky I’ll tell you his theory sometime, it will give you a good laugh.”
“But, alas, I have more important matters. By the way, some people are going Scarface in your bedroom.”
“What?” I rush to my room, some unidentifiable opens my door.
“I’m sorry you can’t come in here.”
“It’s my fucking room!” I push past the guy and right atop my computer, some skinny girl is bending down to take a hit. There’s about five people in here that I don’t know, plus Adam. Where are Crockett and Tubbs when you need them?
“Look, I don’t know who half of you are, and it’s not cool that I can’t even get into my room.” Tabitha comes in behind me and shrieks.
“Oh, my God! Cocaine! What are you doing? These are not cocaine people!” Her voice has never been so shrill.
“Look, relax, we’re almost done,” says a girl I thought worked with Roseanne.
Roseanne is next to me and whispers, “Who is that?”
“I thought you knew.” Fuck. I look back at the girl. “Not to inconvenience you, but finish your coke, get out of my house, find a subway, and take it straight to hell.” Well, they clear out pretty fast. Everyone in my room, except Adam, leaves the party.
At some point the music stopped! I look at Adrian and shrug. Then the party gets hopping again. Todd passes out in the cranny and I take a quick peek at him. I think he’s drooling. I feel no animal magnetism and I don’t know what the thing in the bathroom was all about.
Monica keeps calling me “honey” and making sure I’m okay. She’s real shaken up. To calm her down, I agree to shut off the stereo and the flashing lights and let Chuck strum his guitar. He does a folk rendition of “Auld Lang Syne.” Horror of horrors! All our drunken guests think it’s wonderful and sing along, swaying. How can I associate with people that are so cheesy? Monica smiles proudly and rubs Chuck’s shoulder. Somebody get this woman a tambourine.