On the Verge

by Ariella Papa

  I feel like I can relax here, because now it’s just us. Again, we all seem to be paired up. This time it’s Roseanne and Pete, Nicole and her new man Drew, and Tabitha and Blake. Once again, Todd and I are paired up together.

  “So, how’s work treating you?”

  “Like a dog treats a fire hydrant. We’re going through all these changes. I don’t even know what they mean—and honestly I don’t even care. We’re ‘reorganizing.”’

  “Have you let anyone see your stuff?” Great question, Todd.

  “Well, not in a while. At first I sent article proposals to like every magazine, but lately I haven’t exactly been proactive. They all use the freelancers they know. Anyway, it’s tough to break in.”

  “Yeah, I’m really glad I’m not creative. I just get a task and do it.” It occurs to me that Todd sees me as a creative type, because of all those articles I used to write for our school newspaper. Anyone who met me in New York would see me as just another schmuck living on another stupid dream. I don’t see why I can’t find the positive tonight but I can’t. Pete hands me a drink.

  “Todd, sometimes I sit at work and I can feel my brain slowly being sucked out of my head.” I’m getting sadder and sadder. I sense that he can see it.

  “Yeah, but it’s like the song. If you can make it here you’ll make it anywhere.”

  “I’m not sure if I’m actually making it.”

  “Yes, you are. You’ve got a cool apartment, you earn a good amount of money and you go to all these cool parties. You’re successful, especially for your age.” Todd is talking to me like I’m about to jump off a cliff. That makes me even more depressed. I look away from him. Maybe I need to find another phone booth.

  “Eve, I’m sorry about your mom.” I turn around and look at Tabitha and Roseanne. I can just imagine them sitting Todd and everyone I know down and saying, “Now, Eve’s a little testy because her mom is sick. Let’s just carry on like nothing’s wrong and get her as drunk as possible.”

  I’m about to confront the whole lot of them for treating me like a child, when the waiter comes back over to us and says to Pete, “Do you think this is a good tip that you gave the bartender?”

  “It’s three dollars. All she did was open some beers and make two drinks.”

  “You are not supposed to sit here if you are just drinking.”

  “The hostess told us we could,” Tabitha says.

  “Well you aren’t supposed to and this tip is ridiculous.”

  “Well, that’s the only tip she’s getting,” says Tabitha. She turns to us. “We’re leaving after this. So much for friendly atmosphere.”

  “Good.” The waiter walks away.

  “I didn’t think I had to leave much more of a tip than that,” Pete says. Something like this could force him into another bout of silence.

  “You don’t,” Roseanne says, obviously worried about the same thing.

  “Excuse me.” I get up and walk over to the waiter. I’m not sure what comes over me.

  “What the hell was that? You don’t have to be so rude. We were told we could sit there and now you’re being a dick because we won’t order food from you? That’s shitty.” The waiter is unmoved. “I have never been so insulted at a restaurant in my life. I have friends visiting, and it’s another friend’s birthday. Let me see the manager.”

  He sends the manager over. The asshole manager keeps insisting that we weren’t supposed to sit there and I’m getting louder and louder, demanding an apology.

  “Whatever! I’m filing a complaint against this place,” I say, and stomp away. Back at the table Adrian and Matt have joined us. Tabitha is filling them in.

  “Wow, Eve, you went nuts!” Tabitha smiles at me. The manager comes back.

  “Look,” he says to me, “can we get you all some appetizers?”

  “We just ate delicious food. I want our money back for these drinks and I want that asshole to apologize.” The manager walks away shaking his head. The hostess comes over to us now, it’s like a receiving line.

  “I’m talking to the owner. I want an apology.” I get up and the manager directs me to a woman sitting on a barstool.

  “I want our money back and I want the asshole waiter to apologize.”

  “I’m not giving you your money back.”

  “Your dicky waiter insulted my friends over a tip he and the bartender obviously didn’t deserve. I have never been so insulted in my life. What about customer service? That obviously means nothing to you. Your staff is a bunch of idiots.”

  “Miss, that’s your opinion.” Now, I’m seething. I’m staring at her and she has to look away. I would give me a refund, just because I would know that I’m losing control.

  “Fine, I hope you’re doing everything right at this restaurant because I’m going to file a ton of complaints. I’m going to call the Health Department and my favorite, the Better Business Bureau.”

  “Do it!”

  “I will!” I go back to the table. My friends are laughing and applauding, even Adrian, but I’m mad. I grab my jacket. “Let’s go.”

  I let them go out of the restaurant first, taking a long time putting my jacket on. Only Todd is waiting for me. There’s a vase of flowers on the bar and I grab it, tossing the flowers onto the floor. It’s heavy. Todd doesn’t say a word. We just start walking.

  In a second the asshole waiter is outside. He puts his hand on my arm.

  “Let go of me!”

  “Hey, buddy, just relax,” Todd says. He puts his arm around me, tugs me close.

  “Now you are stealing, I’m going to call the police. Call the police!” He yells to another waiter who’s watching from outside the restaurant. “Give that back.”

  “Call the police. I want you to.” I look right into his eyes. I am not giving the vase back. Nothing has given me such a purpose in quite some time. Both he and Todd tighten their grip around me. I tighten up on the vase. My friends have stopped now, they are farther up the street. The manager comes out.

  “She is stealing, I told her I would call the police,” the waiter explains. I know the manager is looking at me, but I don’t take my eyes off the waiter. We are staring each other down.

  “Call them. I want you to. I’ve got a lot to tell them, too.”

  “Look,” says the manager, doing a good job of assessing all the stories I might tell, “she wants the vase, let her have it.”

  I am still glaring at the waiter. Slowly he lets go of me and I nod. I have won this small, empty victory. I have the vase.

  When they go back inside, Todd puts his hand softly where the waiter had his. He looks into my hardened face. I must look so angry. “Eve, are you okay?” His voice is so quiet. I nod, quickly. “No, Eve, I mean, are you okay?”

  I take a deep breath in and when I let it out Todd is holding me. I know if I keep exhaling I’ll start sobbing. My body is so tense. I can’t let it go, but Todd is trying. He is trying to rub some happiness back into me. I pull away. I have to. He pushes my hair back and kisses my forehead. “Eve.”

  “Todd, I can’t.”

  “You don’t have to do anything, Eve.” I don’t want to think about what he’s saying, what he is offering me. Roseanne calls to me from up the street.

  “I’m fine,” I yell back weakly.

  “You’ve got a phone call,” Tabitha says, holding up her phone. It’s got to be Rob. I look at Todd. He has already pulled away a little. Tabitha and I walk toward each other and meet in the middle. She hands me the phone. I have to keep walking in circles, because I’m having trouble getting a signal.

  “I’ve been trying to get in touch with you. I thought this was the wrong number,” Rob says through static.

  “I think the battery’s low. What are you up to?”

  “Nothing. Been working. Are you in any condition to come over?” No.

  “Yeah, I’ll catch a cab now.” I look at all my friends except Todd. They are still waiting for an explanation. I hand Roseanne the vase. “H
appy Birthday, girl. I’ll get you some flowers tomorrow.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m going to go uptown.” Everyone looks at me a little skeptically. “I’m fine, everybody. Nothing to see here. Have a good rest of the night.”

  I get a cab right away. I don’t look at Todd until the cab starts pulling away, but when I do, when I see how disappointed he is in me, I sink into my seat and cry. I hope Yuval will understand why I’m not talking to him.

  The doorman lets me right up. Rob opens the door smiling. I don’t let him say a word to me. I just start kissing him. We wind up bumping around on the floor.

  “Do you want some water?” he asks as we’re lying there.

  “No, I just want to go to bed.”

  “You’re a little fiend tonight, Ms. Vitali. I have to check one thing on my computer. I’ll be in before you fall asleep.” I gather my clothes and throw on one of his T-shirts. I lie down, waiting, trying not to think about tonight or the way Todd held on to me all last night. I want to be awake when Rob comes in, but it doesn’t happen. I am asleep when I feel his side of the bed sink down.

  The next day I bring Roseanne a bunch of flowers when I get home. She tells me that Todd left on an early plane to Atlanta. He said to say goodbye.

  Try as I might to reschedule, Mabel winds up getting me into her change workshop. Gary, Lorraine, and two women from Yoga for Life are in my “class.” Elise was supposed to be here, too, but apparently she’s on maternity leave. How’s that for an excuse? If only I had some forethought.

  We do some stupid team building exercise. Mabel was really pissed, because we were supposed to be split up into two teams of three, but instead it was three and two. Gary and I were a team. We had to work on some kind of weird magnet construction. Mabel kept coming over with pointers. It was ridiculous.

  I did my best to help out Gary. Ever since the day in the conference room, I’ve felt like he needs a little special care. The other day in the recently enlarged Staff Meeting, I found myself buttering a bagel for him.

  When we finish constructing our magnet, which seems to take an eternity, Mabel gushes. She doesn’t do a sweeping “you guys are great” gush. She looks into everyone’s eyes and tells us how wonderful we are for working together and “recognizing this exercise.”

  The next task we have is to sit around and just shoot the shit about how we are about to be affected by the new magazine. Mabel doesn’t want anyone to feel forced to speak, but she reminds us repeatedly that this is “our forum.” Gary barely looks up from his chair. Lorraine and the two women from Yoga for Life have no trouble dutifully coming up with changes in their everyday lives.

  To every gripe, Mabel nods as if she’s never heard anything so true. “That’s huge,” she says over and over as she writes down each of the complaints. I got to hand it to this lady, I may be able to ridicule her in my thoughts, but when she’s around, I honestly believe everything she says. I know she wants Gary and me to speak, because of the way she keeps looking at us with an inviting smile. Gary doesn’t even look up, but I feel the pressure of Mabel’s pearly whites.

  I search my mind for possibilities. Why do I really care about this merge? Maybe because I wanted to hear it from Rob first and I didn’t. That’s not a good one. Honestly, I wish I had more ties to these people. Truthfully, I do care. I just don’t care about my job. I’ve settled into it now. Shit! But what if the change means I have to do more yucky administration work, order more lunches, dole out more supplies? Now that Elise is on maternity leave, what if they don’t get a temp? What if they give it all to me, and by the time Elise comes back they forget to redistribute? Oh, my God! Am I still going to be here in three months? That is so depressing!

  “So is there anyone else who has any other issues to bring up in this safe environment?” She’s looking right at me. I shouldn’t fight it anymore, but what do I say? I hate it here and can’t wait to get out?

  “Well.” I take a big swallow, I suddenly feel like I’m back in a college discussion section after not going to the lecture all semester. Shit. “I’m not concerned about anything specific, but just change in general. Change is frightening.”

  I swear I think Mabel is going to come out of her skin. She told us from the beginning that there were no right answers, that she just wanted to “capture” our feelings so that we could talk about it in the “safe environment.” When I voice my answer, she clasps her hands together and her eyes almost roll back in her head. I have a brief disturbing image of her having an orgasm.

  “Eve, yes,” she says. “I think you’ve really got something there. That ‘change’ is an ugly word for everyone. Sometimes we’re not exactly sure what the ‘changes’ are going to be.” Keep in mind that she is pausing after every fifth word so that she can make eye contact with everyone except Gary, who still isn’t looking up. She is not making those quotation marks in her hands, but intoning her voice so we know that if we get an e-mail transcript, we will find quotation marks around these words.

  “What Eve just said is huge. She’s really captured all our fears, and the big fear that is change. Change of the ‘knowns,’ our everyday responsibilities. Even scarier, change of the ‘unknowns,’ those things that we are only aware of on the peripheral. I really want to thank Eve for speaking to that.”

  My grandmother has an expression for all of this and that is “gobbledygook” and I know that when my grandmother said it there would be no quotes around it. But, I still feel like the golden child for saying the “hugest” answer. I wink at Lorraine, who laughs. She’s probably dreaming of her dogs right now.

  Anyway, Mabel figures that my huge answer is a great way to end this workshop, we all have private meetings with her this afternoon where we’ll touch on more of these “knowns” and “unknowns.” I tap Gary on the shoulder, he looks up at me, teary-eyed.

  I walk back to my cube with Lorraine, who tells me that upper management seems to have a whole new plan for administration, feeding into my fear that I’m going to have a lot more to do.

  “It might be an exciting time for you, Eve, you might get a lot more responsibility, even though you are afraid of change.”

  “Oh, Lorraine, that’s all so ridiculous, but honestly I don’t want more administrative duties.”

  “I know you want to write.” Lorraine doesn’t get it. She thinks I’m ridiculous and fickle. Lorraine is from an older school that believes one should be happy to have a job.

  When the time comes for me to have my meeting with Mabel I go down to the “space” she’s set up on the floor between our offices and the YFL offices. She smiles radiantly when she sees me. Now might not be the best time to ask her what exactly she does and how she managed to find someone to pay her for looking so sincere.

  “Eve, how are you?”

  “I’m okay.”

  “Yes, I know it’s an adjustment, but you are on the right track, by facing up to the changes and your fear of them. You are one very brave young woman.” Wow! I could really get to like Mabel, she’s not all bad. “Where exactly did you see yourself going with your job? How do you feel that’s going to be affected by the merge?”

  “Well, I don’t know. I guess it wasn’t quite going the way I wanted it to.” Mabel nods, I know she understands better than Lorraine ever could. “I suppose now I feel like I’m going to get stuck with more administrative duties and then, you know, never do what it is I want, which is write.”

  “Well, Eve, I think the most important thing you are going to have to do is to challenge yourself about writing. This new magazine will be good for you, there are going to be a lot more opportunities.”

  “It’s just hard because everyone is so depressed.”

  “Luckily, no one got fired. Unfortunately we’ve been doing these types of—” she pauses as if searching for the proper word (I want to offer “massive overhauls”) “—transitions for the past two weeks, and we’ll continue to do them. There have been a lot of ca
sualties, but certain changes have been made because those people were no longer serving the brand. You need to make yourself a beacon of this positivity that you possess, your courage will be an example to others. You may be a little younger, but, you aren’t afraid. And another thing—” Mabel’s lip starts to quiver “—I know you care about the brand.”

  “Well, yes.” At this moment I do. I care about the brand more than anything. There are possibilities here for me, stuff I never dreamed. I am equipped to deal with all of the issues. It is my “career.” I want to tell Mabel about how Prescott smiled at me. And that when I meet him, he will see all my qualities and how much I love the brand.

  “Oh, Eve, our work has only just begun. I am going to go back to Herb and to Lev, who is the new editor for Breathe, and impress upon them the talent that’s being wasted here. I commit that to you, if you commit to me that you will not give up until you feel that they have heard you.” She waits for me to say something. I feel like we’re about to get married.

  “Uh, well, yes, Mabel, I do.”

  “Thank you, Eve.” Mabel stands up, which is my cue to stand. She shakes my hand vigorously. I think I see a halo around her or a ray of light. I know she is going to go forth and champion me. As I turn to go, she is still smiling at me, amazed by my bravery. Mabel has instilled something in me that I never imagined. This could be what being in love feels like. Mabel and I have committed to each other to further me along in my career. Maybe Mabel is love. She is certainly an angel.

  I barely notice the armed guards that are on my floor when I get back to my desk, I’m still kind of gliding. I sit down and start to dial Tabitha’s number. Wait! Maybe Tabitha isn’t ready to deal with my bravery and my long-hidden brand love. Poor Tabitha! Gary comes up to me as I am gloating at my desk. When I see him, I know it’s a test for me, I have to be a beacon.

  “You see, Eve, you see how they lie? I knew it. They said no one was fired. Eve, they’ve fired Lorraine.”

  “What!” He’s got to be lying. “I just talked to…never mind.” I go to Lorraine’s office past the guards and sure enough, most of her office is in a box and she is packing up the pictures of her dogs.