by Ariella Papa
“When I left her office, I was psyched, kind of about my promotion, even though it wasn’t the big one. I wanted to call all my friends and tell them, all the people I trusted. Who should I call? Adrian? Okay, yeah, he’s a friend, but what does he know about me? Nicole, come on, she’ll start thinking of even more ways to get her clients in NY By Night. And I couldn’t stop thinking about you and what you said. I guess you just wanted me to trust you, and that pissed me off for some reason.
“All this time, I’ve been trying to be this person and that’s fine, I mean it’s New York, you know, but you need to have someone whose going to get your back, whose going to like you, no matter what.
“I’m from somewhere worse than Jersey. I’m from a little town upstate that you’ve never even heard of.” What? “And while I’m giving this Oscar speech, I might as well tell you that my family has like no money and there were times I could barely support myself. So I set up a Web page, which I bet you didn’t know I could do. I sell my underwear on the Net. It’s sort of sketchy. You would never believe how much money you can make doing it. That’s it. That’s me. Now you know. Now I guess I can trust you and Roseanne, who’s been listening to this whole thing. Hi, Rosie.”
“Hi,” says Roseanne from my doorway. “Wow!”
I sit up in bed and turn to look at both of them. Tabitha is in sweats and has her hair up in a scrunchee. I can’t believe it. She looks so different all of a sudden. Not any less glamorous or anything or trashy in lieu of what she just said, but less like a Tabitha and more like a friend.
“So that’s my story, Eve. What’s yours? Why are you like this, right now? Why are you crying and snotting all over yourself in a way that is so unlike you?” I’m a little shocked by everything Tabitha just told me, I have to admit. I figure I might as well just talk to her and see what comes.
“I honestly don’t know. I feel like if I start talking I might never stop.” Roseanne comes in and sits down on my bed, too.
“So what is it? It seems like you’ve got a million reasons to be upset.”
“It does, doesn’t it?” I can feel my lips trembling. “I’m sure all the reasons you can think of are probably true, but to single any one of them out would be an excuse. I don’t want to use my mom as an excuse.”
“So, what is it?” Tabitha is being so matter-of-fact.
“It’s me. I guess it’s everything. It’s how I’m becoming. A lot of what you said the other day was true, Tabitha. I know I should have done this long ago. I should have gotten out this good cry years ago. Maybe I should have planned for this in college, but this is it. This is my life.”
“Eve, what are you saying? I don’t think we understand.”
“On top of everything, my mom, my shitty sister, the end of the whatever I had with Rob, ruining a five-year friendship with Todd, in addition to all that, I’ve come to a shocking realization. This is it, guys, I’m going to be an assistant for the rest of my life. I got fucking flowers for Secretaries Day. There are worse things I guess, but I just can’t stand that I’m defined that way.
“Do I want to have my life, my emotions, ruled by these stupid meetings and decisions other people make based on how things look on paper? The highest I can go is to become a Lacey, a Mabel or a Big C who thinks that this is it. And for what? For some stupid sports magazine?”
“Eve, you’re not even twenty-four, this isn’t your life, it can’t be! You won’t let it be!”
“Why the fuck not? I am letting it be! I have gotten so complacent! I’ve been sitting there playing hangman, surfing the Net, slowly losing any ambition I ever had to do something else. Something that I don’t even know. I am like a pseudo slacker. I am a slacker on the down low! I am the worst!”
Tabitha shakes her head and looks around the room. It’s really strange to see her with so little makeup. Roseanne rubs my foot and says, “Shoot.”
“Why don’t you quit?”
“Tabitha, let’s not go crazy, she’s in a bad state as it is.” I am sure Roseanne is thinking about the rent, too. “It doesn’t seem like this staying at home stuff is working.”
“Besides, I’m never ever going to be able to find a better job. Part of me really believes that’s my in. I don’t want to leave my foot-in-the-door position until I’ve actually gotten in.” Tabitha rolls her eyes at me.
“I’m not talking about getting another job. I’m talking about taking a risk. I’m talking about really doing it. Starting a magazine, giving it a go.”
“Oh, right, the magazine tree that grows outside this window is due to blossom anyday now, all this rain is going to do it.”
“Do you have any savings?”
“I have about four thousand dollars, I started saving it in like kindergarten. That would last me maybe three months. Maybe.”
“Listen, maybe it’s time we all took a risk. I’ll give Eve money. I’ve saved fifteen thousand. I’ll invest it, I might as well.”
“You’ve saved that much from selling your skivvies?”
“Your used panties?”
“Yes, and sometimes—” she covers up her face “—yours, too.”
“Eww!” We both scream in unison, hitting her.
“I definitely want a cut of that!” I say. “Honestly, though you’d be out of your mind if you gave me fifteen thousand bucks for a pipe dream that I haven’t even fleshed out. You were right when you said college newspapers didn’t mean anything.”
“Eve, flesh it out a little. It’s New York, anything can work. Sorry about what I said. You’re young, you’re hip, I have imparted a great deal of fashion sense onto you. This is the way it works here. Look at the Styles section! Who are those people? They are just people who got a good spin! They have got no more luck or talent than you do.”
“Probably got a hell of a lot more discipline than I do, though. I have barely turned on that computer since I got it and if I did I’d probably surf the Net. Maybe, I’d check out your site.” Roseanne and I laugh; I still kind of can’t believe this.
“I’ve come clean now, and I feel better,” Tabitha says. “Skeletons out of the closet. You both know where I stand.”
“Yeah, we got your back, girlfriend,” Roseanne says like she’s a hip-hop sistah.
“True that,” I say, mocking.
“So, what are you going to do, Eve? You going to do it or not?”
“Tabitha, I feel a little bombarded, right now. I’m not going to make this kind of decision with any sanity.”
“But what’s your gut telling you?”
“Roseanne, I thought you were against this?”
“I was, but I like living vicariously, and besides, that was before the money.”
“That’s the craziest part of it all. I am not going to lose your money.”
“But you wouldn’t. I guarantee, if you took my money you’d do your best to get it back for me. You wouldn’t be on your own, we’d help. Right, Roseanne?”
“Sure, I do the money and cooking sections!”
“I’m not sure anyone wants a cooking section,” says Tabitha, shaking her head, “but we’ll see.”
“Yeah, we’ll see about everything, I’m still in the midst of my breakdown.”
“Whatever. You have until your birthday to decide.”
“That sounds like a pretty expensive birthday present.”
“It is. All this unburdening—let’s go get some cigarettes and a drink.”
“You guys, I haven’t had solid food in like four days.”
“The liquid diet won’t be affected. We’ll get some late night Krispy Kreme.”
“Fine. Twist my arm. Let me just wash my face.” They both give me a disgusted look. “Okay, all right, I’ll shower, too.”
I decide to take another couple of days off. I leave the message on Herb’s voice mail. Let the temp handle all the new wretched scheduling. I need the mental health time—I’m having a breakdown. I don’t really feel like crying anymore. Now I can finally enjoy it.
Tabitha’s first assignment in her new coordinator position is to gather all the facts on some East Village restaurant that NY By Night is doing a major story on. Tabitha has to go down there and do a little research. She invites me to come down for lunch with her and Raj, the photographer. After last night’s debauchery with the girls and now this little outing, I am definitely deviating off the breakdown course.
Tabitha is totally eating up the way the staff of the restaurant is kissing her ass, so she’ll portray them in the most fantastic light.
Any evidence of the vulnerable Tabitha who showed up at my place is totally gone. She is dressed to the hilt in Dana Buchman. I ask her how much of a dent she put into that infamous savings by purchasing the shoes she’s wearing.
“Let’s get at least four entrées. I want to see what Raj makes of my appetite,” she says, ignoring me. The food here is great, but Tabitha has warned me not to show too much approval.
“We want to keep them on their toes.” She’s expressionless as she jots things down in her little notebook, but not as she flirts with Raj, who looks like an Indian mobster to me.
“Do you girls want to get a drink after this?” I can tell it’s my cue to exit.
“No, actually, I ought to get back, but thanks.”
“Sounds fabulous,” Tabitha says, winking at me. “Do you need cab fare, Eve?”
“I think I’m going to walk.”
“It’s a pretty good walk back up,” Raj says.
I walk up Avenue A for a while and along the way, I’m amazed by how much is going on around me. There’s people unloading instruments, a rally going on in Thompson Square Park, crowded ethnic cafés, upscale restaurants cleaning up after the lunch crowds, a student film being shot, and tons of people on the streets performing or begging for money.
The weather really is starting to get warmer and if I were up at college, this would be the time that I pulled out my sandals and sat up on the hill near my dorm. But I’m not at school anymore, I’m here. I’m in New York with a little bit of money in my pocket and not much more certainty about the future. But it’s as if all the reasons I love it here and all the possibilities have set themselves up for me today. I breathe it in. I inhale it and feel a little hopeful.
I promise to give myself one more day. I just can’t go to work yet. I can’t until I put my life in order. I start with the easiest parts. Rob. I don’t miss him. All right, I guess I miss part of him—the good parts. I just don’t feel like we were ever on equal footing. It’s not easy to date someone who has influence over whether or not you get a job. You can’t have that relationship without feeling like a bit of a ho.
Then there’s Todd (I am going backward from easiest to hardest). I can’t quite put my finger on why I’ve been thinking about him so much. Why am I nervous to leave him messages? Why, when I close my eyes and want to think about the random guy in the elevator or Rob, or anyone but Todd, do I find myself getting this strange feeling in my stomach? I can’t explain it. I don’t like it. I’ve known this guy for like, forever; I can’t be attracted to him.
Besides, he’s got a girlfriend and he’s in Atlanta. I just need a diversion. Then of course there’s my mom and my sister. I decide to call Chuck. I don’t know why. I hope my sister won’t be there. Luckily, she isn’t, she has a class. He sounds super happy. “Are you at work, Eve?”
“No, I’m taking the day off.”
“Everyone needs a day off now and then.” Of course, if you’re Chuck, then it’s always a day off. “I’m really glad you called, Eve.”
“Really?”
“Yes, how are you doing with your mom’s sickness?”
“I guess okay. I went home for dinner last week, and it wasn’t that much fun. I didn’t stay over. She told me she was feeling fine.”
“And you didn’t believe her?”
“I wanted to, but you know, they haven’t exactly been the most up front with me.”
“That really bugs you, huh?” I notice that Chuck is just kind of reacting to what I’m saying and encouraging me to say more. He may think he’s got me fooled somehow, but I am totally aware of what he’s doing.
“Chuck, it’s my family. I’m really pissed that they told Monica about this but not me. No offense.”
“Look, Eve, it’s not about Monica now, I want you to think of me as your friend.”
“Why?” The question seems to stump him.
“Well, because I guess I’d like to be a part of your family someday, and I don’t want you hate me because you feel as if, somehow, I was untruthful with you.”
“I see.”
“I know you aren’t getting along with your sister right now, and I know it’s painful for her and I’m sure it’s painful for you. It’s times like this when families get polarized, unfortunately.”
“Well, why do you think they told her and not me?”
“I don’t know, Eve.” Some help he is. “Maybe, since you live a lot closer to them, they thought perhaps it would take too much out of your life if you felt like you had to be with them all the time. Monica is far enough away that there really wasn’t too much she could do, unless she wanted to drop out of school, which they made her promise not to do.”
“Well, how come she didn’t tell me?”
“That’s something you should ask her. Eve, I don’t really have any family right now, my mother died when I was young and my father and I don’t get along too well. The sad thing is that try as you might to avoid this, no matter how much better she feels, she and your family are never going to be the same.”
“That’s encouraging.”
“Eve, please don’t be so cynical with me. I’m just being honest with you.”
“Look, I’m trying not to be. I’ve cried for about four days straight and only now do I have a handle on things. If I start again, I might not stop. I thought I was doing okay.” I’m not, because I start to cry. Chuck sings me a funny little song over the phone and it makes me laugh, just because of the sheer cheesiness and sweetness. I’m amazed that I can actually stop and laugh, but I can.
“Thanks for talking to me, Eve. It’s nice to get to know you. Your sister has told me a lot of great stories about you. She loves you a lot and I’m glad to have this opportunity to get to know you myself.”
“I think she loves you a lot, too. Thank you for talking to me.”
I don’t know if I was expecting the building to have burned down or what, but it’s still there when I go into work. Everything is pretty much the same on my floor, except my desk is a lot neater and the temp left me a long note about all the things she did in my absence, so I will have the “heads up.”
Gary comes over to me right away to update me on all the meetings and the ways they’ve been lying to us while I was gone. I clear my throat to let him know that Mabel is standing right behind him. He looks at her defiantly.
“Also, Jim quit.” He nods at Mabel. “I doubt he’ll be the last one, either.”
He goes back into his office and Mabel smiles down on me. “Hey there, Mabel.”
“What’s going on, Eve? I heard you were sick, are you better, now?”
“Yep, it was a nasty stomach flu. Believe me, you don’t want to hear about it.”
“I’m sure I don’t. I wanted to urge you to check the postings. There might be some positions right here in this department that you would be suitable for. We are provided by law to post these positions, but I think you might have an in.” I can’t believe Mabel is looking out for me like this. I thought she would hate me for not being a good enough beacon, for getting sick right in the thick of things.
“Writing positions?” Her smile doesn’t falter. She is unsinkable.
“Well, actually, these are administrative positions, but I think you’ll find a lot of growth there.” I bet it’s Lorraine’s position repackaged.
“Oh.” Thanks, I guess. Luckily, my phone rings.
“I’ll talk to you later, Eve.”
“How’
s your first day back?” It’s Tabitha.
“Oh, you know, the usual. How’s it going for you?”
“I’ve been interviewing my replacement. You would not believe the awful candidates the staffing people have sent up so far. You would not believe it.” I have a feeling Tabitha is going to make this poor assistant’s life a living hell anyway. “But, I had a great night with Raj. It’s true what they say about Indian men.”
“Really?” I have no idea what she’s talking about, better not to ask.
“Eve, gotta run, I have a 10:30. A Brown graduate. I noticed two spelling errors on her résumé. They expect these people to fill my shoes? I don’t think so. ’Bye.”
I decide to check on Herb. He’s got the incense going particularly strong and he is sitting cross-legged in his chair, staring out the window. I knock on the door and he turns slowly toward me and smiles.
“Oh, hello, Eve,” I want to believe he smokes weed a lot or something, because I can’t understand how he can appear so calm all the time. I wait for him to ask me how I’m feeling, but he doesn’t say a word.
“I’m feeling a lot better,” I offer finally. “Just wanted to see how you were.” Again we stare at each other. “How are you?”
“Oh, I’m well, Eve, I’m optimistic about everything. The merger just has to be approached the right way. We plan on having meetings to help everyone adapt a bit better than they have been.”
“To help them think properly?”
“Exactly.” He smiles at me, reassured it’s a simple concept if even the assistant can grasp it.
“Great,” I say. It’s so easy to slip back into the bowing and scraping. “Did you need anything?”
“Actually, we’re getting a new coordinator, her name is Erica Rutt. I was hoping maybe we could have all the files in order for her when she gets here.”