3 Heads & a Tail

by Vickie Johnstone

  “Yeah, it was fun,” she said, and then got that funny déjà vu feeling, like she'd done this before. She also began to feel a bit woozy. Too many pints of ale! Her head began to spin.

  “Are you alright, Josie? You're swaying a little.”

  “Yep, yep, I just drank a little too much,” she said, straightening up and smiling. “I'm fine, really.”

  “Do you want to sit down for a minute? Before we go in, I was wondering if you'd like to go with me to the...”

  Ben didn't get to finish his sentence. The front door flew open and Glen bounded down the steps, almost knocking him over. “Calm down, boy!”

  Glen yelped and bounced around, overjoyed to see his young master.

  “I swear he's trying to tell you something,” laughed Josie, stifling an urge to hiccup. The steps were spinning slightly. “He looks intelligent enough to talk!”

  “Hey, Josie!” came a deep voice through the darkness. It came from the doorway, which was wide open. David was standing there in just his jeans. His muscles rippled in the shadows and his teeth glinted – a perfect, almost unnatural white. He looked like a model for Levis as he stood there, with one arm raised against the doorframe, his bicep bulging. “I missed you, girl!”

  Josie went bright red. Ben looked up with a start and frowned. Glen stopped barking and lay on the ground, whining softly.

  “What's going on?” Ben mumbled to himself, scratching his head.

  Josie just stood there. The ale had definitely kicked in and she realised she was drunk. Everything was moving in a haze, dream-like. She needed to lie down... now!

  “Are you coming in or are you just going to stand there looking confused?” asked David. “I've got some cold beers in my room if you want one.”

  “I f-fink I need some t-tea,” replied Josie.

  “Ay, what?” mumbled Ben.

  He stood and stared as Josie drifted sleepily up the steps towards the doorway. David flicked his hair in his usual nonchalant way, which Ben could only guess was classed as sexy by 99.9999% of the women in the world – and quite a few guys too. Ben froze as Josie's fingers trailed across David's chest as she passed him in the doorway. They both disappeared inside.

  “Damn!” He'd definitely lost more than a game of pool today.

  Sighing, Ben slumped down on the stone steps and replayed what had just happened in his head. He couldn't believe it. It didn't make sense. He thought there was a spark between himself and Josie. Had he imagined it? Glen whined by his feet and put his big, soft head into his lap.

  “Thanks, boy,” said Ben, looking down and ruffling his ears. “I really needed that.”

  Above, the full moon was glowing, nestled in a cloud-free sky. New beginnings, he thought, staring up at it. Silver stars twinkled all around. It was time to stop dreaming. New beginnings...

  Glen

  Sorry, Ben, I wanted to warn you when I realised what was going on, but I had no way of telling you – you wouldn't understand me, me being a dog. Pretty obvious I guess. Not sure what I was thinking there. So here we are, just the two of us, sitting on the step, looking at the moon. Well it's a pretty nice moon. “Voof.” Kinda glowing, it is. Really bright. “Voof, voof.” Oops, he frowned. Best I don't howl at the moon I suppose – guess he won't find that funny tonight.

  David is now on my 'to bite in an ideal world where anything goes' list. In reality, I'd get arrested. Well, Ben would get arrested, and I'd end up in a doggy home or in big doggy trouble at least. It gives me the shivers just thinking about it. I'm not letting David take me for walkies or stroke me ever again. Nope.

  Poor Ben, he looks so sad. I'll just nuzzle him. Yep, he likes that. Nestle my head right there on his lap and look up at him with my big, brown eyes. I know that works wonders! Is that a little smile I see? Okay, maybe not, but he's stopped frowning. I'll just stay like this for a while. Oops, my eye is twitching. It itches! Ooh, my ear is flicking. Flick, flick, please scratch it, Ben, please, doggy please. Ah, nice. Shucks!

  What is Josie thinking? David is totally the wrong choice. They don't match. They are totally different. Like a cat and a dog. Nope, he's not a dog – insult to me. Like a cat and a mouse. That's more like it, David being the cat, of course, 'cos he's looking for a catch and she's it. I didn't think she liked him. I thought she liked Ben. Ben is nice. What's wrong with her?

  Has it got something to do with David walking around half-naked? Ben doesn't do that. Ben always wears clothes. Is it the way David is always flicking his hair – Ben doesn't. Nope, it can't be that. What else? Maybe David looks better to girls? Well, I might be biased, but I think Ben looks voofing better. David talks more than Ben, that's for sure. What about the way he talks and the way he smiles all the time? He really thinks he's the dog's bollocks. Maybe that's it! Maybe he has bigger bollocks. Or maybe he just thinks he has bigger bollocks.

  Ben is my best mate. Best mates count for something. Ben deserves to win, but has he already lost? I'll have to find out. Hope she went to her own room. There's me thinking she likes Ben, yet he stands as much chance as me with that posh but beautiful golden Labrador in the park. “Voof.” I could dream about her all night. If only she was here with me now under this glowing full moon. I think she'd find it really doggy romantic, whereas David is just dodgy. Josie is too nice to be with him. I need a plan, but not now. I'm too tired to think and Ben's lap is really cosy. Time for a snooze.

  Chapter 13

  “Oh shit!” gasped Josie, waking up to see a big guitar case and an ocean of pants, socks, trousers, books, crisp packets, beer cans, albums – you name it, it was decorating the floor. Where was she? Why wasn't she in her room? Oh, her head! Thump, thump, thump!

  The answer nudged her. Ah! Oh my god! Who's that? David! She was in David's room! In his bed! Looking at his piles of pants on the floor! Nooo! Oh my god, she was in one of those movies where you can't remember what happened the night before and there's some stranger lying next to you, grinning inanely. Except David was, thankfully, still asleep and he wasn't a stranger, though right at this moment she wasn't sure if that was the lesser of two evils!

  Got to get out of here fast, she thought. To her horror, she realised she was only wearing her bra and knickers... and one sock. Oh, no, he'd seen her almost naked! Could this get any worse? Then she remembered it was a work day! Oh, lord! What time was it? The clock at his side of the bed said 1130.

  Well that was it, she'd missed work. She'd have to ring in with some incredible excuse. She felt guilty that her colleague, Maisie, would have to cover for her. Or perhaps she could just pretend she'd been out covering a story. Yes, yes, that was the solution – she'd do that. Just wash, scrape her hair back and go. Maybe pay another visit to the camel man who she saw the other day to finish writing that feature about the nutrients in camel milk. Good plan. Things were coming together. If only her head would stop thumping.

  She wished her memory was coming together. As cheesy and ridiculous as it sounded, she wasn't quite sure what had occurred last night. Her head was fuzzy. There was no way she would have ended up in this position if she'd been sober, but what if – surely not? Her body didn't feel like anything had happened, or maybe he had been really crap and her body hadn't noticed! Maybe her brain had blanked out the experience? Stop joking, she scolded herself, this is serious. No, she was sure nothing happened. She wouldn't have done anything with David. She had kissed him, but that was one time, and she wasn't really interested. But then why was she in his bed?

  To recap, she went to the pub with Kay, played pool and came back home. Then she had felt drunk all of a sudden, David offered her a beer, she wanted tea... and that was it. No memory after that. Josie sighed. Sliding softly out of the bed and on to the floor, she quietly gathered her clothes. David didn't stir – such a heavy sleeper – or snore at all. She pulled on the clothes she was wearing the day before, just in case Ben was about.

  Ben! Oh, no. What was he going to think? He was going to think the obvious, as anyone wo
uld. She shuddered. Don't think about that now, she told herself, just get out of the room! Gently, Josie pulled open the hatch and stepped out, closing it quietly, before tiptoeing down to her room. There, she felt safe – stupid, but safe. Dialling her work number, she told Maisie that she was on an assignment and would be in shortly. Then she sprinted to the bathroom for the fastest shower in history.

  Glen peered up at her with the strangest expression just before she left the house. He was sitting outside Ben's room, the door of which was ajar. His master was at work, thankfully, but the Labrador gazed up, almost with a 'what the hell were you thinking?' look on his face.

  “Sorry,” she heard herself mutter, as she passed.

  Glen's look was so penetrating and it made her feel so guilty that she didn't know what else to say. He rested his head on his front paws and closed his eyes. All the way to work, she kept reminding herself that he was a dog. He wasn't really thinking anything – nothing beyond sleep, dog food and walkies. Imagining things had always been her forte!

  Chapter 14

  “What happened?” asked Kay, shocked.

  “I've no idea,” said Josie, trying to support the mobile phone between her ear and her neck, while she searched for her keys in the bottom of her bag. Why did she carry around so much useless crap in there?

  “Where are you now?”

  “I'm nearly home. I don't know what to say to David – never been in this position before,” mumbled Josie, finding her keys, and grabbing the handset before it slipped away.

  Kay giggled. “Maybe David will remember if you...”

  Josie was not finding it at all funny. “I'm pretty sure nothing happened,” she said firmly. “I was so drunk that I must have passed out. But he saw me in my underwear and I cringe every time I think about it. I woke up in just my bra, pants and one sock!”

  “Did you find the other one?”

  “Yes, I have both socks, but that's not the issue! I'm not happy about the whole thing. I know I kissed him in the park, but it was just a 'lost in the moment' type of thing. It didn't seem real and I really didn't want to do it again or date him... or anything! I guess I made a big mistake kissing him.”

  “But he's so fit. Are you sure? He seems to like you.”

  “Yeah, I know he looks like a model, and he was sweet that time when he took me to the coffee shop, but I don't want to get involved with him. He's too perfect... perfect looking that is. I'm not sure if I really want to date anyone at all. It always starts easy and becomes complicated. Dating is too much hassle. It's so much simpler being single.”

  Kay laughed. “Okay Miss No Hassle, maybe you just need some great sex! When's the last time you had that?”

  Josie sighed. “Depress me even more by reminding me! There's been no one since Alvin.”

  “But, you dated Alvin over a year ago. I thought you'd got over him.”

  “I have, I did, ages ago, but I'm not ready. Look how stressed I am today and I'm sure nothing happened! There's more to life than sex you know! Have you been overdosing on hormones or something?”

  “I'm just enjoying life, my dear! You may as well rent yours out as a bird's nest if you don't use it soon!”

  “Kay! You're so crude!” Josie giggled. “I've got to go now. I needed a quick pep talk. I've been shaking in my shoes going home. This morning even the dog was looking at me like I'd done something wrong. I felt so guilty that I said sorry!”

  “To the dog?!”

  “Yes, to the dog! Imagine! How crazy is that?”

  “You were hungover,” reminded Kay, trying not to laugh. She pictured Glen telling off Josie in a stern way with no tail wagging, barking 'you naughty girl!' “Anyway, even if something did happen, why feel guilty? You're both single adults – what's the problem?”

  “The problem is we live in the same house. It's so embarrassing. I want to be able to relax at home with no stress.”

  “I get ya',” said Kay, realising it wouldn't help to make a joke about horizontal positions being relaxing. “It might be weird for a few days, but then everything will go back to normal, you'll see. Don't worry. I imagine David's pretty experienced and probably does this every week. No big deal to him!”

  “Thanks! Not sure if the idea of David being a tart makes me feel better or worse, but I know what you're trying to say. Gotta go now. Have a nice afternoon and see you tonight for the band.” She put the mobile into her bag and breathed a huge sigh.

  Glen

  “Walkies!”

  Where can I hide? I gotta hide, anywhere. Whoosh! I'm running into the lounge. Where? Where can I go? Oooch. Behind the sofa? Too obvious, he'll check there. Behind the TV? It's too small! Behind the curtains? Yes! Great idea. Oh no, I'm too doggie big. My bum's sticking out!

  “Come on Glen, walkies!” yells David from the corridor.

  He's coming in. I can hear the door.

  “Glen!”

  Spotted. He's seen my big bum sticking out of the curtain. Damn. “Voof.” No, I don't wanna go walkies with you. I hate you. I'd piss in your shoes again, but I know Ben will tell me off 'cos there's no-one else to blame. I can't imagine Josie pissing in shoes. Asshole!

  “Come on!”

  Damn, he's putting the lead on my collar. I'm not moving. You're going to have to drag me. Go on. Not strong enough, are you? You can drag and drag, but I'm not moving, going nowhere. You're just going to look stupid. You are stupid anyway, but you're too stupid to know how stupid you are, Mr Stupid!

  “If you come for a walk, I'll buy you those special dog biscuits you like. The ones Ben doesn't buy in case your teeth fall out!” says David, bending down.

  “Voof.” Now you're talking. Okay. I feel like a hypocrite, but it is exercise and that's good for me. Ben would be pleased. And there are doggie biscuits at the end of it. Not any old biscuit, but the special ones. Ben wouldn't be pleased about that bit of the deal, but they taste so good. I'm licking my lips just thinking about them.

  And we're off! We're heading down the street. Mind the doo doo! Not so fast, man! Don't drag me ... through... the ... doo doo... ooh, David! Dammit! Now I stink of another dog's butt. Where's the grass? Get me to the grass quick, you oaf, so that I can wipe my paws!

  “Come on boy, there's no cars...”

  I can see there are no cars! Do I look blind to you? Are you my guide human? “Grrrr.” I can't move so fast 'cos my paws are covered in another doggie's doo doo, and that's your fault, mister. Mister Idiot Tight Pants.

  Great – grass. Hold on, I'm wiping my paws. Yep, that's what I'm doing. Don't stare. Never seen a dog wipe its paws before? “Voof!” All done, we can keep going now. You see, now you know that the dragging thing really doesn't work on this dog. No siree.

  Wow, how I love this park. Every time I come here it's like the first time. Just love it – the smell of the grass, the trees, the flowers... mmm. The best flowers are just where you walk in. “Voof.” Even walking with David, of all humans, it is still nice. Now, am I going to see her? Will she be here today? It's a bit late in the afternoon – she's normally earlier – but maybe?

  “Hi David!” smiles a foxy woman with white-coloured hair, wearing white trousers and a white vest, walking her white poodle. I guess she likes white, but who is she? She's kissing him on the cheek! I thought he liked Josie. What's he up to?

  “Hi Sam!” replies David, his annoyingly white teeth glinting in the sun. I wonder if he paints them with glow-in-the-dark paint. Yep, that's alright, I'll just stand here getting bored while you pose for the woman.

  Why do poodles have bows in their fur? I don't get it. That just looks stupid. And it's pink! It's very undoggie-like. You'd never catch a golden Lab with a bow on its head. That's just so undignified.

  They're still talking. Yakety, yak, yak. I'm bored. Stop staring at me, poodle, please. I'm not in the mood for conversation today. Sorry. Ah, great, they've finished talking. What? She kisses him again? Oh, and we're off again. Bye, poodle, sorry about that stupid pink bow on
your head. Makes you look like a girl!

  And we're off, strutting though the park. The geese are by the lake. Can I chase 'em? Can I? Can I? Yes, I'm looking at you, gormless. Nope, you're not going to let me off the lead are you? Well that's just fine. Ben doesn't let me chase the geese anyway. I wouldn't bite them, just play. Ooh, squirrels – can I chase the squirrels? Can I? Guess not.

  “Well hello, sexy!” says a tall, dark-haired woman wearing a very short skirt and the highest heels I've ever seen. She looks like a stork – a stork with a woman's head. How does she walk in them? I don't get it. Why do women wear those things? Do her feet stay in that shape when she takes them off? What? She's kissing him as well?

  “Hello Veronica! How are you?” asks David, giving his cheesy smile.

  “Why haven't you rung me, honey? I'm missing my Wednesday night roll!”

  Wednesday night? So he's seeing other women as well as Josie? Asshole! When can I tell Josie? I have to tell her! Then she'll like Ben. Oh, I can't tell her, I'm a dog. That's right. She doesn't understand doggie language. Damn it. “Grrrr.” Oh, the stork is staring at me now. “GRRRRRRRR.”

  “Well, David, you seem to have your hands full at the moment. I'm not too good with dogs. Ring me, baby, or I'm coming to find you!” she says, grabbing his face and kissing him big on the lips. Wow, she's not shy is she? David's not complaining. David, I so want to piss in your shoes! One day...

  Plan – how to tell Josie that David is cheating. How do I do that? How? Why do humans cheat anyway? If I had a regular doggie friend I wouldn't be cheating. Now, if I was seeing Miss Golden Paws, well... oops, where's he taking me now? We're heading across the park. Now where? Ooh, squirrels... stop! Okay, no stopping. We're going to the coffee shop, the one by the lake. Are we stopping? Will I get a nice cool drink? Yes, they've put a bowl of water by the door. Great! I'm drooling.

  But, what's he doing now? He's tying me to the pole! That's nice. Oh yeah, no dogs allowed. Who made up that rule? Come on! We're not dirty! We're man's best friend. We should be allowed in buildings, especially when it's cold and raining! Have a heart! Well, at least this water is cool on my tongue! That's me done. Now where's Asshole gone?