“AHAHHAHAHAHAH, you are realizing this stuff is “kinda starting” to change your behavior?!!? Glad to see it’s taken only five years of emotionally vacant sexual encounters to move the needle… kinda.
I am not at all worried that this story would take on a braggart’s tone. I’m more interested to see what insights you have and what conclusions you’ve drawn from it all. Because to me, more than “this is what happens when you get everything you want,” it’s a cautionary tale about reaping what you sow. When you spend 6–7 years cultivating a culture that promotes and celebrates meaningless, emotionless sex for sex’s sake between consenting adults who, ideally, want nothing from the other person besides the sex, it’s going to come full circle when you have moved forward and realized there is something better than random sex while a whole generation of young people are coming fresh to your material as this static piece of biblical philosophy divorced from time and place. It’s no coincidence that these stories affected you in a way that you describe as feeling used (even if you are being partly tongue-in-cheek), and all three happened post-HotNurse.
You can do this story without the HotNurse angle if you talk about these things in a way that doesn’t deal with feeling used but rather how strange it all is seeing things come full circle (i.e., you used to say random crazy shit to girls to see what you could get away with all for the story. Now, because of the fame that lifestyle has brought you, girls are trying to fuck you for the story… but they’re not actually doing anything other than making the first move and consenting… which I guess is the female equivalent of doing crazy shit to see what they can get away with).
What’s so fucked up about this is that to the casual observer, the whole idea of YOU talking about being used for sex is just dripping with irony when the reality is that over the last four years or so, you never actually sought out one single girl for ANYTHING, let alone to use her for sex. The reality is that you have been getting used for sex for years. You made yourself openly available to all comers, and as your fame and notoriety grew, more and more of those comers had selfish motives unrelated to sexual gratification and a good time.
And the more important issue (at least personally and emotionally) related to that whole idea is that it profoundly affected how you viewed and related to women. I can say from firsthand experience that it jaundiced you toward women for a significant period of time to the point where you nearly became the woman-hating person critics made you out to be based on the book/site when, in fact, you weren’t that person at all when you wrote it. Which, of course, is yet another irony to pile onto the other ironies.”
Nils and Bunny were right. Fuck them both. Fine, I’ll put it in. But I’m not happy about it, and I’m NOT going to draw any of the inevitable conclusions.
I know that with all things there comes a time to pay the piper, a time to tally the costs of your lifestyle. And I know that nothing lasts forever, nor is it supposed to. My time to step off the stage will come… but that time and that reckoning are not today. For now, I’m sticking to my position from “Hot, Sane, Single”:
I prefer to keep fooling myself, at least for a little while longer.
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