by Lila Felix
I nodded. It was all that was left in me.
I didn’t know what else to do. Protect her. The only tangible thought I could conjure was protect her. And the only way I knew how to protect her was here, under my roof and under my watch. Discarded were the negatives of the situation, she was young, she was desperate, and that other little thing—I hardly knew her at all.
“Do you have everything, or do you need to go get some stuff? I will walk with you. You can’t go around by yourself again. What if those people try to get you again?”
She pointed to a very stuffed backpack, “No, that’s all of it. Don’t give me that look. I don’t want your pity.”
“I don’t pity you. I just thought about all of those brats out there who complain about finding the perfect prom dress—but you don’t complain about anything. I’ve never met someone like you—and I don’t hardly even know you.”
She looked down.
“Havok, look at me,” barely a mumble.
She did, but stubbornly.
“I’m still here—waiting—whenever you need me to listen. There’s no pressure here.”
“Thanks. So what do we do now?”
I shrugged, “A movie? Something normal.”
“Yeah, I still have money. I haven’t been to a movie in a long time.”
“Can you let me pay for something just once?”
I was answered with a glare, “You paid for lunch the other day.”
Her stubbornassery did nothing to intimidate me, in fact, the only thing I wanted to do when she was so completely obstinate was kiss her. Finally get to feel the contrast of what I knew were warm lips and cold metal. But I didn’t want to give her the wrong idea after asking her to live here. I certainly didn’t want to imply that kind of rent payment.
I wonder if she’d like a taste of her own medicine.
“Fine, then I’m not going.”
“Why? Because I want to pay for myself?”
“Yep.”
“You’re not my boyfriend, friends don’t pay for friends.”
“Ugh, thank God, I’m not your boyfriend,” I smiled, making sure she knew I was kidding, “But friends who do something courageous like leaving a bad situation for a better one have to let the other friend pay as congratulations. It’s a rule.”
“A rule, huh?”
“I don’t make these things up,” I said with as straight of a face as I could muster.
“Fine. Pay. I’ll just be a mooch.”
“Perfect, I love a mooch. Let me get dressed.”
She stood mouth opened while I went to my room to change. I felt like someone should give me a trophy for actually winning a battle with Havok, no matter how small. I threw on some jeans and a Beck t-shirt, some slip-on Vans and walked out. And she was cleaning.
“Why are you cleaning?”
She sighed almost like she didn’t even realize she was doing it, “Habit?”
I shook my head at her, “Stop cleaning Cinderella.”
“I know someone who calls me Cinderella. There’s a song and everything.”
I stepped into the kitchen and took the sponge from her hand, “The one in the Laundromat?”
Squinting her eyes, I could still see a hint of yellow shadow leftover from whoever attacked her, “How did you know that?”
“Don’t look at me like that. I was walking one day and I saw you in there with a girl who looks an awful lot like you, well, she did from the side. I really couldn’t see much except you’re prettier. Anyway, she was singing something to you and you were doubled over laughing.”
“That’s her. She called me Cinderella all the time when I did my mom’s laundry.”
“Ready to go?”
“Yes.”
Walking the few blocks towards the movies, I realized how asinine my suggestion was. She probably needed to rest, needed time and space to hash things out in her brain. But the first thing I’d thought of was the stupid movies.
“We don’t have to go—I just thought it would be fun. I don’t think you get to have a lot of fun.”
Her gaze darted all over the place and then back to me, “I’m out of practice with fun. Another thing you might have to help me with.”
“You know what? I’m a little out of practice too. I’ve been living like a zombie for a long time.”
She laughed, and the sound was so much better close up. I’d only heard it through the glass of the Laundromat doors.
“Night of the Living Dead has nothing on us.”
We approached the movie theatre, mostly empty so early in the afternoon.
“Comedy, Tragedy or horror?”
“Comedy. You do not want to see me ugly cry or scream. Scratch that, you’ve seen me ugly cry. But we’re trying to have fun here.”
I grabbed her hand briefly, getting her attention, “Trust me, there’s nothing about you that’s ugly. Even your crying.”
She didn’t pull away immediately, but she didn’t exactly hold my hand back.
I bought two tickets for the comedy. I forced her to go to the snack bar with my hands on her shoulders guiding her.
“There’s a lot you can tell about someone from what they order at the snack bar,” I told her.
“Really? Shit, now there’s all this pressure. Fine, you order first.”
“Ok,” I turned to speak to the girl behind the counter, “Large popcorn, large root beer and a box of cookie dough.”
I turned to find her face contorted in disgust. “What?”
“Nothing. I want a small Sprite and a box of those.” She pointed to a box of Butterfinger bites.
“Hmmm…” I drawled out, making her think I’d really discovered something by her choice.
We got our food and headed inside the theater, which was completely empty. She moved first, climbing the stairs all the way to the top and scooting down towards the middle of the aisle.
“Huh,” I said as I sat down.
“Knock off the noises. It’s making me paranoid. You sound like Mr. Bean.”
I stood in the theater, trying to embarrass her even if we were alone in the place, going so far as to stand all the way up in my chair, “Ladies and gentleman, Havok, the Smartass is back!”
She chunked one of her pieces of candy at me and laughed. We talked a little more about shallow likes and dislikes until the lights went down. I thought of another way to make her laugh and leaned over to try it out, “Just because the lights are out and we’re here by ourselves, keep your hands to yourself. I’m not that kind of guy. None of that yawning, boob grabbing stuff either.”
She got up and moved three seats down, giggling the whole time.
“What the hell,” I asked in the loudest whisper I owned.
“It was too tempting, so I moved. Especially the boob grabbing. You do have one fine rack.”
“Either get back over here or I’m just gonna follow you all over the damned theater. We’ll look like a bunch of hopped up kangaroos.”
She shrugged,“It’s your virtue.”
She came back and we settled in for what proved to be a movie that was so dumb it was funny. Counter to her order, she kept grabbing handfuls of my popcorn and counter to my friendship promise, I put my arm around her shoulders and pulled her to me halfway through the movie. I wanted to feel her laughter against me, and it seemed like she didn’t mind.
We left and she began asking me questions about me and my life. She asked about siblings.
“I have one sister, my twin, though we don’t look anything alike. Her name’s Camille. Now you; you said no brothers or sisters, right?”
“No, though I’m surprised the way she…nevermind.”
I shoved her shoulder with mine, “Be careful, Hav, you almost let out top secret info.”
“I know! Damn you for being so easy to talk to.”
“Parents?” She asked me.
“No, I have no parents. I was spawned from the seeds of a…
“Shut up. You know what I mean.”
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“My Dad’s gone. He left when Camille and I were five or so. We saw him one weekend a month until we didn’t want to anymore—all court liaison supervised visits. My mom married my step-dad when we were about ten. He was fine with me until I dropped out of college. Now he’s a real asshole.”
“It’s always just been my mom and me. Even my birth certificate says ‘unknown’ under father. I would’ve felt better if she’d listed Satan. ”
“Tell me something no one else knows. Give me something.”
She smiled and a crimson blush speckled out along her cheeks, “I know this guy named Cal. He’s kinda great even though I shut him down all the time.”
I stopped walking, my apartment in sight and looked around, taking note of the buildings, the sky, the trees.
“What are you doing?” Her hands were planted on her hips. Why was it that her anger turned me on?
“I’m just taking in this moment—you complimented me. I just want to savor it.”
Grabbing the front of my shirt, she pulled me towards the apartment, laughing.
The next week I didn’t get to see her much. Our schedules were so out of whack. There were remnants of her everywhere. Her hoodie was thrown over the back of the couch since she always claimed I kept the air conditioning too low and was trying to freeze her out. There were two bags of cheese sticks in the middle drawer of my refrigerator. I’d bought them after she’d practically gotten on her knees and thanked God for them when she ate one after our first grocery shopping trip. Though she never showed much preference for anything else when we went shopping. I thought maybe she was afraid I’d spend money on her. And the truth was, I’d empty my account out if there was something she wanted.
The next Thursday afternoon, a knock on my bedroom door startled me. I threw back the sheets and opened the door to the biggest smile I’d ever seen on Havok’s face.
“What?”
“Look!” she screamed and did a little dance.
I grabbed the two pieces of paper from her and scanned them quickly. She’d not only gotten into LSU but also Purdue. I didn’t even know she’d applied there. And Purdue had offered her a full scholarship. I noticed both of the letters were addressed to her high school and I tried not to show my relief that she hadn’t returned to her apartment.
“Oh my God, Havok! This is so great! You did it!”
I bent and encircled her waist with my arms and hugged her as tight as I could. She hesitated, like she always did, but eventually wrapped her arms around my neck and squeezed back. I let her down, her body slid down mine. And by the look in her eyes, the friction caused a stir in her that had nothing to do with friendship.
“Are you ever going to let me in, sweetheart?”
I thought she’d bolt like she always did, but she stood steady. Before I could say anything else I felt her hands on my bare stomach. She slid those warm fingers down the ridges of my abdomen. I sucked in a breath wondering what happened to make her change her mind. Hoping to God she’d changed her mind.
“I wanted to say yes,” she said and I could feel her breath on my chest.
“What?”
“When you asked me out in the library, I wanted to say yes. I didn’t want to pull the friendship card.”
I took advantage of the moment, threading my hands through her hair, just because I could.
“Then why did you?”
“I was a basket case. I still am. But I think I’m better now that I’m away from her.”
“I don’t want to rush you into anything or make you feel like you need to because you’re living here.”
Her hands rested on the sides of my waist, “I know you wouldn’t. You’ve been so sweet to me. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone in my life who was kind to me just because. You never expected anything back from me. I swear I’ll let you in, if you let me do it a little at a time.”
“I’m not going anywhere. You know that. Are you gonna let me date you now?”
“We’re kinda backwards. Don’t you think? We’re friends, then roomates, then—whatever.”
“Actually, I think we’re right on track. I’ll take you anyway I can get you. So, tomorrow night I’m taking you to dinner, we’re gonna celebrate you graduating and going to college.”
“Are you going to come to graduation?”
“Next Friday night, seven o’clock. Wouldn’t miss it. I’m glad I did what I did last night.”
“What did you do?”
“I put in a written request for a day shift. I want to spend all the time I can with you. I’ve missed you this week. I don’t think I could do this for a long time, only seeing you here and there. Especially now that you’ve relented to my sexiness.”
She took her hands from my waist and placed them on her hips, “Oh please, it’s been you pining this whole time.”
I shrugged once, “No argument. Ok, I’m going back to bed, this is all too much good news on a few hours’ sleep. You can come join me,” I proposed, waggling my eyebrows.
“Really?” It was said in an ‘I can’t believe you tone.’
“Hey, you took down the friendship sign. Get ready for the flood.”
“I’m actually gonna head over to Ali’s. I haven’t been spending too much time with her lately. Hell, she doesn’t even know I’m living here.”
“Have fun and please, please be careful. Oh, and there’s something on the counter for you.”
She left my presence and I shut the door to the bedroom and for the first time in a long time I went back to sleep a happy man with something to look forward to.
I reluctantly left him and stopped in the kitchen to see what was on the counter. There were two things, one: an iTunes gift card and two: a cell phone. There was a note attached to the cell phone telling me what my phone number was and letting me know that his cell and home numbers were already programmed in. I didn’t even know how to turn the damn thing on. I pushed buttons until it flashed to life. I’d have to enlist Ali in teaching me how to use it—if she was still speaking to me.
I walked the couple of blocks towards Ali’s house, past the bakery. I had another apology to make there. I stopped and Mrs. Swan greeted me like a long lost daughter instead of a girl who had shucked out of her responsibilities and out of the verbal contract we’d maintained for so long.
When I entered the bakery, I saw her across the counter. She noticed I was there but squinted her eyes as if she didn’t recognize who I was.
“Who is this girl with the thing in her lip coming in my shop? I used to know someone that looked like you. She would help me out around here.”
I walked behind the counter and hugged her. She’d always been so giving and kind to me. It was wrong to have ignored her. She made me sit for a half hour and forced me to eat and tell her everything. So I did. She gasped and patted my leg at the right parts. And by the time I left she’d convinced me to stop by on my way home and get food for Cal, as a thank you from her to him for taking care of me.
A few blocks of walking later, I knocked on the door of the Blakely house, not knowing what to expect of my best friend. Mrs. Blakely answered the door and nearly smothered me in a hug, inspecting my face and my lip, parts that had previously been in her care.
“She’s been missing you, Hav. She’ll never admit it. But she has. Instead she’s been spending time with Guyliner. You know who I’m talking about? She’s tried to tell me that he’s just a friend, but I’m sneaky.”
I laughed, Ali always thought she was so sly, “Make up with her, please. Maybe that way she’ll stop threatening me to get a tattoo.” Then she raised the pitch of her voice, “Because Herbert has one.”
“Ok, let me at her. I’ll do my best.”
I ran up the stairs and knocked at the door and then walked in. I could hear her talking on the phone. She lay on her bed, legs crossed, looking totally bored with the conversation she was having with who I was assuming was Herbert.
“Hey,” I said tentatively.
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nbsp; She looked my way, startled, and then made her excuses on the phone. She sat up but made no attempt to look my way.
“It’s been a while.”
Leaning against the door frame I answered, “Yeah, since you dismissed me in the hallway.”
“Nothing like a little old fashioned jealousy,” she shrugged and finally lifted her eyes to face me.
“There’s a lot happening to me, but it doesn’t feel real unless I tell you. I’ve been hiding a lot of things. Can—can we just talk?”
She patted the bed next to her and I began to unload everything since the day I met Cal. I kept Fade to myself. I’d never known anyone to have a poker face like Ali, so by the end of the conversation, I didn’t know if she wanted to hug me or punch me. She huffed out a sigh, picked at invisible lint on the bedspread, and started to speak several times before settling in on her commentary.
“It worries me that you’ve moved in with some guy you hardly know, but if he’s cool and sweet to you, then I’m proud of you. I never know what to say about your mom, Hav. She’s horrible to you but you love her. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around. But I’m happy you left her. You don’t know how many times I asked my mom to report her or just go get you. And one more thing—Herbert is sooooo boring. I was about to break up with him before you walked in.”
We both cracked up.
“Your mom calls him Guyliner. She despises him.”
“I know! She thinks I don’t know that she knows. But I paraded him around on purpose. I think I’ve stayed with him this long just to piss her off.”
We heard a sound but neither of us knew what it was, “Hav, are you beeping?”
“Oh shit, that is me. Cal got me a phone.” I pulled it from my back pocket but knew nothing about how to work it.
“Give it to me, you look like Scotty from Star Trek pushing random buttons.”
“Star Trek,” I questioned her.
“Yeah, Herbert, please don’t ask. It was like torture.”
She showed me how to do the basics and I pushed the button with the envelope and it opened a message from Cal.