"Shut up," I hissed, tears threatening to escape again. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and shook my head. Why were his words making me feel as though I was standing in front of him, naked?
I opened my eyes. He was still too close. The walls began to close in around me, my heart hammered in my chest, and my ears rang. I couldn't breathe.
What’s happening to me?
I was cornered, scared. I needed to get the hell away from him. "What do you want from me?" I challenged him.
"I don't understand," he answered me.
Who was he trying to fool? He was standing in front of me with those puppy dog eyes, which I was certain he had been using since he was a kid to get anything and everything he wanted. Was I supposed to swoon simply because he told me that I was beautiful? Because he knew my secret? Because he noticed a few details of my life? Because he noticed pretty much everything? "Don't play dumb with me, Landon. You know exactly what I'm talking about. You don't have to keep up the act."
"What act?"
"Oh, my God! Would you just stop for one second? Dumb blonde isn't attractive on you!"
Landon looked around the room, as if the space could explain to him what was happening.
"Belle, tell me what you want me to say because I'm obviously not following you."
"You've got this act down cold, don't you? You kissed up a little and you got the job, I get that. But you already have the job, Landon. So why are you keeping it up? Do I amuse you? Does it seem easy to you…to get poor, pitiful me to fall for you? Am I an easy mark? You like to play games with the old lady to have some fun?"
“You’re falling for me?”
“That’s not what this is about!” I shouted.
“Yes it is!” He shouted back. “How we feel is all that matters.”
I bit the inside of my cheek, delaying my response.
"Belle, I told you yesterday that I had feelings for you. It’s the truth. I’m not afraid of it, but you are. All I want to know is… why?"
"The ‘why’ doesn’t matter. Yesterday you told me that you wanted to be my friend...nothing else. Now all of a sudden are you ready to take this somewhere that neither of us should even think about going, especially me!”
“I said I have no choice but to be your friend. I want to be more, but that's impossible. And if I'm not your friend, then that means you're not a part of my life. I want you in my life."
"You want me in your life?"
"Yes," he answered me.
"As what?"
"How ever I can have you."
"And what if you can't have anything?" I asked him. Why couldn't he see this was such a bad decision for him?
"I don't understand where this is coming from. Is this because of what happened yesterday? Are you upset that I know what's really going on with you and Derek?"
"Don't you dare put this back on me! I'll tell you where this is coming from. Ever since that day you walked in here, you've been flirting with me, buying me coffee and cookies, going on walks. But what I don't get is… why? Am I just a distraction from your life? Does the idea of being with a married woman excite you? You don't want to make a decision about your future, so you’re escaping from all that by messing with me?"
"No, that's not it at all! You’re not a distraction!"
"Oh, I'm not? Then tell me, what are you really doing here?"
He thought about it for a moment and then calmly answered, "At first I came through the door simply looking for a job. And yes, I did try to charm you. I’ll admit that, but once I spent some time with you and got to know you, it became something… different. I’m connected to you, I feel responsible for you, and I have no idea why."
I laughed. I laughed hard, doubled over, grabbing my stomach.
"You...feel...responsible...for...me?" I laughed so hard I could barely get it out.
"I'm so glad you find this funny."
"I don't find it funny,” I said between giggles. “I find it completely ridiculous." And it really wasn’t funny, but if I didn’t laugh, I would cry.
"Why?"
"Because it isn't true! Tell me something true, Landon." I stood up straight, determined to get him to back down.
"Like what?" he asked me.
"Tell me something that matters."
He leaned back on the wall, crossed his arms, and looked straight at me. "You matter to me, Belle."
"Not that. I want something true." My hands shook, and my heart rate picked up again.
"You said to tell you something true, something that matters...you matter to me."
"I don't understand."
"Stop the act...dumb blonde isn't attractive on you." He threw my own words back at me and laughed cynically.
"Don't." I held up my finger to silence him. "Don't do that. Don't joke when I'm pissed off at you."
“Why not? You just laughed at me when I told you that I feel like I have a connection with you.”
“That’s different.”
"It wasn’t different at all!” He exclaimed in frustration. “Besides, why are you mad at me anyway?"
"I don't know!" I yelled at him.
"I think I know why," he said softly.
I waved my hand at him. "Please, enlighten me."
Landon took a step toward me, backing me up against the counter. He placed one arm on each side of me, trapping me there as he leaned over, his face so close to mine, his hot breath on me as he spoke. I wanted to reach out and brush my thumb over the stubble of his beard, to see if it felt the same as I had imagined.
"I'm getting close and that scares you. You don't like that I know about what your husband does to you because that takes away your control over it. You don't like to talk about anything personal. It's like pulling teeth."
"Why do you care?"
"I just told you, you matter to me."
"But why? I don’t get that part. What does a 25-year-old, single guy on the verge of an exciting life want with a married bookstore owner who’s stuck in this town for the foreseeable future?"
He lowered his face even closer to mine. All I had to do was move toward him, a mere fraction of an inch, and my lips would be touching his.
I didn't move a muscle as he held me hostage. My hands were aching behind me and my head swam. I felt as though I was floating about a foot off the ground. What was happening to me?
"I don't care about any of that..." He continued, his voice low. “I care about you. Why is that so hard for you to understand?"
"Because it just is."
He shook his head and then dropped a quick kiss on my nose. A jolt of desire shot through my body coming out through the tips of my toes. I was sure I was going to pass out.
"No, Belle. That's not an answer."
"Landon, I'm married. I took vows. There is no other answer than that."
He paused, looked down at the floor between us, and pondered something there as though it held all of the answers in the world.
"I've thought about that," he finally said, a somber tone to his voice. "I've actually thought about it a lot. And I have a lot of respect for the idea of marriage. I’ll be honest and say that up until I met you, I would never even consider becoming involved with a married woman. I would never want to get in between a sacred thing like that."
"And now?"
"And now I care about you. Your vows are important, but I can't just ignore how I feel. And I know you care about me too. I have strong feelings for you and I don't know what to do with that."
"You can't do anything about that, Landon. Don't you see that? And I certainly can't do anything to make you feel better about any of this."
"But that's unacceptable to me. I want to be with you."
I just stood there, staring up at him, his face moving even closer to mine. As if it was possible to get any closer without touching each other. Before his lips made contact with mine I turned away, moving just enough that my lips were no longer within easy reach. He pulled back and looked directly into my eyes.
I shook my head. "I don't know what you mean."
"You know exactly what I mean. You don't let anyone in. Why?"
He was getting too close, again. "You know why, Landon."
"He doesn't deserve you, Belle."
"I'm no prize.”
"To me, you are. Does it make me a bad person to want something I shouldn't?"
"It only makes you human," I responded honestly. I wanted to tell him that I was more human in this moment than I’d ever had been in my entire life, because I wanted him more than anything. Even though, I knew I couldn't have him.
"Tell me that you want me, too. Tell me I'm not alone in all of this."
Thinking it was one thing, saying it aloud was quite another. "I can't—"
"Are you scared?"
"No." I laughed in denial — my old friend denial — but he wasn't convinced.
"Tell me, Belle. Tell me what's in here..." He took one hand off the counter and placed it gently on my chest, over my heart.
I looked up at him, right into his haunted eyes, and could barely remember my own name, let alone all of the reasons why this shouldn't happen. In that moment, I knew what I wanted, and the last vestige of logic I’d been clinging to by my fingernails slipped away without warning. I freed my hands, lifted my arms, roped my fingers into his thick mess of curls, and pulled his lips down onto mine.
I surprised him. He didn't move a muscle at first but it took only a matter of seconds for him to catch up to my sudden shift in disposition. My tongue teased him, taunted him, begging his lips to open.
Who was this person I’d suddenly turned into?
When his lips finally parted and the kiss deepened, a strangled moan escaped from my throat, and Landon smiled against me. My reaction had pleased him. He groaned in return and it was my undoing.
Our hands were everywhere, feeling, touching, exploring, and he pressed himself into my hip. Oh my god, he was hard. I pressed back, rubbing against him, and it was his turn to come undone.
His hands wrapped around my waist, and without breaking the kiss, he lifted me onto the counter in one quick movement. My legs parted and he pulled me closer to him — so intimate. One of my hands left his tangled curls, trailed down his chest and stomach, and ended its journey on the waistband of his jeans. I realized how easy it would have been to flick my wrist — undoing the button and opening the door to what certainly would have been ecstasy. My mind raced as his lips continued their assault on mine.
If I did let this happen, how long would it last? What if Derek found out? How bad would the beating be?
And after Derek hurt me, or worse, he would go after Landon.
Once that happened, how long would Landon stick around?
Would he leave me eventually? Did I actually expect him to stay? Sneak around hoping my husband wouldn’t discover my indiscretion?
And if he left, how would I ever recover? I was in way over my head. So far, in fact, I knew my heart would shatter when he left. If I added sex to the equation, how would I possibly survive the inevitable loss of him?
I stopped kissing him mid-thought, our lips still connected, frozen in the moment. He opened his eyes.
It took all the resolve I had, but I pushed on his chest with all my strength, backing him away from me. Landon pulled back, our lips parting and it felt as though a piece was torn away from me.
"Belle. Sweetheart. What's wrong?" He asked, out of breath and obviously confused.
"Please don't call me sweetheart. I can't do this." I tried to push him away again. I needed some distance. But he didn't move.
"Why not? Please tell me what just happened."
"We almost made a huge mistake. I can't do this, Landon."
"Why not?" He repeated the question and his challenge was infuriating. Why couldn't the boy let anything go?
"Because I can't!" I slid back on the counter, swung my legs around, and hopped down. I needed to put some space between us. I needed to think!
"Is it because of your husband?"
"Yes! No! I don't know...maybe."
Landon tried to come around to the back of the counter but I held up my hand to stop him.
"That doesn't sound like an answer." He didn’t come any closer. At least that was something.
"Well, it's the best one you’re going to get."
"I don't accept that."
"You like to say that. Like when you don't accept something, the entire world is supposed to shift so that you can have whatever it is you want.
"You don't believe that."
"Yes, I do. You’re acting just like Hannah!
He wasn't, not really, but I knew he would be insulted. I regretted the words for their effect on him but not their result. Landon retreated as they sunk in fully.
"Is that what you think of me?" he asked.
"Maybe. I don't know." I was so confused. One part of me wanted to throw myself back into his arms and let him kiss all these doubts away, while the other part — the sane part — made me stay on the other side of the room, a safe distance away from him.
"Then you don't know me at all."
"Apparently, I don't. You say that I don't let people in, Landon. Well, neither do you. I know nothing about you."
"Ask me anything. I’ll tell you the truth."
"What do you want from me?"
"I want to be with you." His answer was simple enough and it almost shattered my resolve. I wanted to be with him too. I wanted to say that to him. I wanted to finish what we started on the counter a few minutes before and figure it all out later. However, life was much more complicated than Landon believed it to be…I knew that.
"You think you want to be with me, Landon." I sighed with all of the frustration that was in me.
"No, Belle. I know I want to be with you."
"For how long?" I asked him.
He didn't respond.
"For how long?" I repeated the question.
"I don't know. I can't answer that.” The words cut me like a knife.
"Well, that's the first goddamned honest thing you’ve said all day!"
"Wait! What I meant was that none of us knows how long we are going to be here. I could be gone tomorrow. You of all people should know that life has no guarantees. That's why you have to take advantage of every day. I can't promise you anything except today and today I want to be with you with all my heart."
His truth made me angry. It scared me. He was being too honest.
After I lost my mom, I didn’t think I ever wanted to love again. Maybe that's why I married Derek, because I knew I would never truly love him; therefore, he could never really hurt me. If he left, I knew I would survive.
But if Landon left...well...the thought was too much to bear. I had to get out of this, quick. I had already gotten in over my head. It was time to end it now.
Even though it was going to hurt him and I knew I would regret doing it, I had to make him walk away from me. It was time. I stood up straight, a combination of pissed as hell and scared shitless. Somewhere deep inside of me, I channeled Hannah, coming out from behind the counter and sauntering towards him.
"So, what do you want, Landon? I mean, what was all of that just now? You just want to get in my pants?"
I was close enough to touch him. I trailed my finger over his chest and his muscles twitched in response to my touch. I let my finger blaze a trail back and forth across his stomach. I let it slip even lower, until it rested right inside the waistband of his jeans and I pulled him to me in one swift motion.
"No, it's not like that," he mumbled with a nervous shake to his voice.
It was too late. I was off and running.
"You know what I think, Landon?" I said in a low voice, almost a whisper. "I think you just want a hot summer fling to brag to all your friends about later. You want to tell them all how you took pity on the poor, small-town woman and showed her a good time."
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He was speechless.
"Don't flatter yourself," I added, "I'd break you in two."
I heard him swallow, his throat dry. So boys hadn't changed all that much since the last time I was in the game. I had him right where I wanted him.
"Let's go, Landon, but I don't want to break the counter...it's an antique you know? Very valuable. So let's do it, right now, in the back room.” I took a step away. Swinging my hips and sticking my chest out in true Hannah-fashion, I motioned, with one finger, for him to follow me. "But if you have any fantasies of candles and romance and lovemaking — you can throw them out. You may have noticed I like it rough, real rough."
His breathing was shallow as he stared at me. He was only without his composure for a moment and then, with the blink of his eyes, all desire vanished. No more puppy dog eyes, no more smoldering, sexy looks. There was nothing — finally. It was about fucking time.
Landon looked at me with a coldness in his eyes I’d never seen before.
"Who’s acting like a kid now, Belle?" He turned away from me, obviously hurt, and walked out of the store.
When he was gone, I leaned up against the counter, still covered in books, my legs shaking. That was too close.
I glanced down at one of the books scattered across the countertop. It was the latest series from National Geographic Kids, its bright blue letters exclaimed "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Cougars!"
"Shut the hell up!" I yelled at the book and stomped away.
Chapter Eight
Sunday morning came and with it, a torrential downpour. As I drove to the store, the rain looked as though it was coming down sideways and the wind drove it into the driver's side of the car, leaving the passenger's side almost dry. The real news of the day was that this storm kept the tourists in their hotel rooms, or worse, found them all heading back to the city early. Either way, the result was the same: no customers.
Landon called in and left a message before the store opened that he wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be in to work. He apologized for the short notice but it had come on quickly overnight.
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